Saturday, September 17, 2005

Tour de Sid - Sept 17

I’ve been working more hours than Inspector #8 at Kathie Lee Gifford’s sweatshop. I also found out it’s not letting up, so I’ll be missing the mansion show again. So I went for bike ride today (Schwinn, not Harley) to clear my head and here’s what happened:

Mile 1: Already Pretty Vegas is running through my head.
It ain’t pretty…
Like Kirk, I can’t get the damn song out of my head.

Mile 5: It’s still there and starting to get annoying. I decide I’ll try to override it by singing Trees.
It’ll be you and me, up in the trees….

Mile 6: It slowly morphs back to the tune of Pretty Vegas,
It ain’t pretty, when you're sitting in the trees and waiting for answers…..

Mile 15: Pretty Vegas continues to torment me with each mile. In desperation, I look to MiG for help.
Baby, I love your way….

Mile 18: I’m on side of the road, sobbing and thinking about Carmen Electra.

Mile 19: I realize Carmen is out of my league.

Mile 20: I wonder if JD’s sister is do-able.

Mile 20.5: I remember that Mrs. F’er reads this blog and might not find that last thought as entertaining as readers that I’m not married to.

Mile 25: I decide that I’ll just get a Sharpie when I get home, write notes on my palms professing my love to Crystal Bernard, and flash them at the TV during reruns of Wings while Mrs. F’er isn’t looking.

Mile 30: It’s mid-September and 97 degrees. I’ve run out of water and Gatorade and begin questioning why I moved to Texas and why I’m still here.

Mile 35: I wonder if I had Jordis on the back of my tandem bike singing to me, how long it would take for me to get sick of it. Answer: Mile 18. I’d have to leave her roadside and trade up to a non-smoker with better aerobic capacity. I wonder if Brooke smokes and how she looks in lycra.

Mile 38: I decide that I’ll only go see the RS tour if Dana is part of it. Dehydration has clearly set in and clouded my thinking.

Mile 40: I arrive home and take a nap under my INXS sheets.

I probably won’t talk to you before the finale, so here’s the prediction. MiG is deemed not roit, leaving JD and Marty standing before the band. JD wins, but only under the condition that he stays off the INXS jet and drives to each show in his Honda Civic where he toils under the watchful eye of the Farriss Brothers. Just like Clay Aiken, Marty rides his runner up position to greater success than JD can imagine. MiG, after doing a beach party movie with Hilary Duff, fades into oblivion with Justin Guarini. And by oblivion I mean music theater in Wichita, Kansas.

Sorry about the American Idol references. I’ll try to make it up with a link to Ted Leo’s superior cover of Since You’ve Been Gone.

This week LeperPop hits the road, with Sid F’er doing a personal appearance at Larry’s Subs in Jacksonville, Florida. I’ll be happy to autograph your favorite post, even if it’s Moist Rub’s. Just print it out and bring it by with a package of Baked Lay’s (KC Masterpiece flavor). I’m not sure when I’ll be there, so just hang out and look for the guy dressed like Brooke Burke. It makes the clients a little uncomfortable, but it kept me out of the Korean War.


AMAI said...

LOL to all of it, especially the story about the mélange of original songs in your head.

Mile 40: I arrive home and take a nap under my INXS sheets.

Thread count over or under 400?

Whatever possessed you to include AI references? By the same token, does this mean you're thinking of blogging about the next round of that dreck?

I'd read it.

Jules said...

*look for the guy dressed like Brooke Burke. It makes the clients a little uncomfortable, but it kept me out of the Korean War.*

Too bad that didn't work for Klinger. Maybe you should have given him some pointers.

Jules said...

As far as your prediction for the end goes, I hope you're right. I hope that INXS chooses the forgettable JD and I can go back to my previous, blissfully ignorant state. Aside from the fact that I'll become a raging, die-hard Lovehammers fan, of course.

On the other hand, Marty wants to win. And I want OBINXS to be smart and make the obvious choice for the best frontman. (i.e. NOT Elvis)

In other words, I'll be disappointed if they choose Marty, but I'll be pissed if they don't. I think I need therapy. Or, as I've said in other posts, I just need a life. Curse you, Mark Burnett and INXS!

AMAI said...

I want Marty to win.

Who here would like to read my Survivor ep 1 recap?

I'd love to know what you think. I was inspired to be snarkier by you guys, Sid & Moist.

Andree said...

In the last comments area, there was a link to a big, scary Elvis with a glittered megaphone/bullhorn. Can anyone tell me if that is standard Elvis-impersonator issue? I'm not finding pictures of Elvis or impersonators with megaphones.

There's a mention of one here:

I'm going through the pictures for the episode, and no Elvis yet.

Is this the same Elvis from the other picture?

By the way, I checked out the fees for Elvis impersonators at gigmasters, and, uh, I think I might have to give it a go. Did Elvis himself get that much in the beginning? And he was himself, not an impersonator.


Andree said...

Oops, sorry about that. In fact, both posts above could be deleted. I didn't realize at first that the megaphone was added by someone.

Obviously I'm running on stupidity.

Maybe you guys could review sports?

Khajiit said...

Thanks for the Ted Leo track. I am blissfully unaware of the Kelly Clarkson original.

And I'm torn on the outcome of this whole shebang, just like Jules.

dalebud said...

Sorry to continue some guitar-nerdisms, but the Dec issue of Guitar World has OBINX's "Need You Tonight" tabbed out. Everyone can now learn how to play "dum, dum, dum, deetle-eetle-eetle-ee-dee." Perhaps an indication of the power of Mark Burnett, it's the first time a song by OB has been featured as such in any of the guitar mags since '89. In a creepy coincidence(?) all the featured tunes (except Cream's "Born Under a Bad Sign") are by a band with a dead key member (OB, Blind Melon, AC/DC, Pantera). Clapton, Ginger and Jack better check on their wills and insurance policies.

Sid, 40 f'n miles? Holy crap.

Sid F'er said...

I'm in the same boat with the other Marty fans here. Would like to see him win it if that's what he really wants, but not necessarily what I want to see. On the other hand, I think somebody mentioned it could even benefit him further to follow through and get the experience and contacts that a tour with the veterans would bring.
I think they're impressed with Marty, but probably also a little frightened. I don't know how long they want to keep this INXS thing together, and moving in a new direction at this point in their career might not be what they want to do.

Sid F'er said...

Dalebud -
Even with lessons I never made the transition to guitar hero, so pretty much gave that up and turned into a bike geek. You can spend just as much money collecting them, but it gives me a chance to work off those frosting binges.

Jules said...

This is a little out of the blue, but it struck me while Marty was singing "Creep" that he seemed to be channeling Adam Sandler at certain moments of the song. ("What da hell'm'I doin' here?" and the falsetto part "she's running out, running Aaaa-howt," specifically)

Did anyone else hear that? No? Just me?

AMAI said...

Jules, I was wondering what that sound reminded me of. LOL - I'm going to quote you on that, if I may.

Long as I'm in here, I have to say, "Cycling 40 miles is pretty impressive, Sid." Do you do it just for fun & exercise, or are you in competition?

Andree said...

In the beginning, I wanted four people to win, Jordis, Ty, MiG, and Marty. I thought that would make for an exciting show, with lots of variety, all kinds of fans, and a sound that couldn't be duplicated anywhere else.

I agree with you Sid, in that I'm not sure what I want for Marty at this point. Not that anyone has checked with me for MY opinion from the show.

Has the experience and exposure been enough to do what it can for Marty's career? With the Lovehammers? Would he, and the Lovehammers, benefit more with Marty touring with INXS? Would Marty WANT to go back to the Lovehammers after INXS? Would he change too much so the Lovehammers didn't want him back?

Does anyone consider MiG a serious contender at this point? He does have a good look on the stage, but as so many much wiser folks have pointed out, his stage performance seems staged.

J.D.? His first performance with the hair pulling turned me off completely. I don't remember the performance. Just grabbing a girl's hair in the audience. Wrong. Wrong thing to do. Bad first impression.

If if he rescues stranded cats in flood waters, and sets broken legs of other lead singers, he's still a pulls-hair-of-strangers guy.

I'm beginning to feel hoodwinked. If it was purposely edited to show J.D. as the bad guy (who makes good), I'm going to be pissed at the show. At the producers and the band for having part of that monkey-business.

If he IS a bad guy (who makes good), I'm STILL going to be pissed. Because of his initial crapola. There's the sneaky t-shirt and the finger to...who? The audience? The people who don't like hair-pulling, rude guys?

Now, there could be the "No, really, I AM a good guy, I was just confused!" scenario. Oh, balogna.

Which brings us back to Marty. And you guys. How about the one year scenario for INXS and each of the finalists? A prediction, if you will, gents.

What do you see happening? And how many lawsuits pending after the year?


P.S. I've shortened the syndicated column name to "Rub'er and F'er" It can't get more gratuitously pandering than that, eh?

Jules said...

Spread the word, Amai! (My deepest apologies, Marty. I adore you, but the truth must be told!)

And I have to chime in on all of the biking awe: If I give into the frosting craving you've induced, Sid, does that mean I have to bike 40 miles, too? 'Cause I certainly aspire to your awesome writing skills, but I think your awesome biking skills would kill me.

L A Ray said...

What he's not telling you is that the bike is motorized.

Devious D said...

Damn, LARay. I was going to say:

And you believe everything SF & MR post?

But you beat me to it with a much funnier line.

Devious D said...

Very scary, Sid. I had the Miles 1, 5, 6 experience during the week, without the miles. Kept waking up, finding myself singing PV. First day, I combat by watching Marty's video of Trees a few times online, till that's in my head all day long.

Next morning, PV is back. Evil. I try to put Trees there instead, but sense it's hopeless. Start rewriting stoopid words to PV.

Instead of a song merger, what occurs to me is that perhaps PV might be passable if sung by Marty. Mr. D laughed this off.

But then, the show tonight...

Jules said...

Just saw your post, Andree, and had to comment. (Am I getting annoying or what?)I have nothing against MiG and if We Will Rock You came rolling through my area I'd certainly go and see him in it. He's got a good thing going with all of the shows he's been in and I don't think he should give it up. (Personally, I'd give up a few appendages to be able to be in theater at that level. Which appendages, I haven't decided yet.)

As for JD, it's the same song in different key. (Woo-hoo! Check my fancy-schmancy metaphoring, there!)He's putting on a theater show, too, only he's playing the part of a junior high kid pretending to be a rock star. All of those things you mentioned are like a checklist: "Okay, have I flipped someone off yet? Check. Have I worn a surreptitiously offensive item of clothing? Check. Have I shown my utter disdain of humanity by abusing my fans and insulting my peers? Check."

I think you're right, Sid. OBINXS might be too intimidated by Marty to let him patiently control them. JD may be a loose cannon, but he'll sing the songs they tell him to sing. (If he bothers to learn the words, that is.)

migrainegrrrl said...

Hey Lepers--

Just wanted to thank y'all for putting Snarkgasm in your links. We've been enjoying your snarky goodness for a while now.

And Sid, I can manage a bike ride up to the courner market and that's about it. Go on with your bad old bike riding self.

Carry on.

Sid F'er said...

I think we can stop writing now and let our comment commandos take it from here. Well done.

Regarding the bike post, I did exagerrate... it was only 36 miles, but 40 was a nice round number. It's just a hobby so I won't be leaving you all for the pro circuit anytime soon. I'll leave it to your imagination what my thoughts were we Mrs. F'er and I did the hundred miler a few weeks ago. She's a badass.

LA Ray - next stop in Dallas you can come along. We'll upgrade you from the Huffy.

Devious - it's actually possible to ride that far in one afternoon if you don't stop for beers every 2 miles.

Jules said...

RE: comment commandos

*insert sheepish, apologetic grin here*

Sid F'er said...

Migrainegrrrl -
Kudos on being the first to call us by our proper collective name - Lepers. There are actually more of us in this world, but Moist and I are currently running the publishing division.
Thanks for the comments - let me know if I steal any more of your material. Unfortunately, I've been busy and have fallen way behind in my reading over at Snarkgasm.

Sid F'er said...

"comment commandos" was intended as a compliment. i'm digging all the stuff here.
kind of blown away by it all.
keep it coming.

AMAI said...

"comment commandos" was intended as a compliment.

Oh phew! Glad to hear we've not become annoying yet. But we need you guys to post - you're our touchstone, our facilitator, the spark that sets the forests ablaze. Ahem.

On an unrelated note: I tried to visit Snarkgasm but the link didn't work for me. It's because I'm on a Mac, isn't it?

Sid, thanks for the email! Yep, one at a time is the way to do it. I'm Scottish (ergo cheap) and get by with free email, which allows very little room for large files. Off to read Moist's recap of the Sunday night show...

L A Ray said...

Sid - I'll bring the Huffy. I think you'd agree that 40 miles on my Huffy would be much more challanging than on one of those pro-stock deals you ride. If Huffy would only start using bearings in their wheels. NTN bears!

213 said...

Again with the condescension toward the Huffy!

I let l a ray use the Schwinn for the NS Pub n Pedal, and he blew a tire on that.

The Huffy worked fine for me, but then I didn't have Jack & Gatorade in my water bottle.

devious d said...

What you talkin' 'bout, Sid? I've been known to do a 30+ miler, and was also able to resist the evil vortex of the collar bone killing curb, unlike others I might claim to know. Numerous stops notwithstanding.

It was only a broken toe that stopped me from the NS P&P.

And now, just because we took a hiatus, we're apparently going to have to go to court over another organization usurping the P&P rights. They had the audacity to collect funds--supposedly for charity--and then mob and trash an establishment prior to a GAM Squad kool-aid benefit (for the GAM Squad, natch).

Now back to your regular Rockstar: INXS musings.

L A Ray said...


What are you getting at? Are you suggesting the my weight combined with the weight of the Jack and Gatorade was enough to blow the tire? Hey there was alot of distance between pubs and I didn't want to lose my mojo. You're not angry because I never paid you for the tire, are you?

Want me to send you a Huffy? Better yet, come out an visit, and I'll take you to the Hollywood Hills for a visit to the Rock Star mansion. It may be empty by then, but I'm sure we could fine a plate of rancid sushi with dried up wasabi laying around.

213 said...

My recollection is that the incident at the first P&P was blamed on the Huffy, and I'm sick of Huffies being treated as second class citizens.

I'm going to contact Jesse again and organize another boycott.

L A Ray said...

now don't go and get all huffy about it.

L A Ray said...

now don't go and get all huffy about it.

L A Ray said...

Now don't go and get all huffy about it.

L A Ray said...

And I mean it!

Devious D said...

As the lead bike in the final P&P procession, I rule the Huffy was a poor, defenseless victim. And Jack Daniel's was nowhere in sight.

Final verdict: The curb was the culprit--for jumping out when the Huffy's navigator decided to take a previously unannounced over-land shortcut.

No, wait, there was a brief announcement. "Hey! Wait uuuuuuuuuuuuh--" Ker-plunk.

Perhaps we should send JD a mighty Huffy that's brave enough to sacrifice itself for the greater good.