I’ve been working more hours than Inspector #8 at Kathie Lee Gifford’s sweatshop. I also found out it’s not letting up, so I’ll be missing the mansion show again. So I went for bike ride today (Schwinn, not Harley) to clear my head and here’s what happened:
Mile 1: Already Pretty Vegas is running through my head.
It ain’t pretty…
Like Kirk, I can’t get the damn song out of my head.
Mile 5: It’s still there and starting to get annoying. I decide I’ll try to override it by singing Trees.
It’ll be you and me, up in the trees….
Mile 6: It slowly morphs back to the tune of Pretty Vegas,
It ain’t pretty, when you're sitting in the trees and waiting for answers…..
Mile 15: Pretty Vegas continues to torment me with each mile. In desperation, I look to MiG for help.
Baby, I love your way….
Mile 18: I’m on side of the road, sobbing and thinking about Carmen Electra.
Mile 19: I realize Carmen is out of my league.
Mile 20: I wonder if JD’s sister is do-able.
Mile 20.5: I remember that Mrs. F’er reads this blog and might not find that last thought as entertaining as readers that I’m not married to.
Mile 25: I decide that I’ll just get a Sharpie when I get home, write notes on my palms professing my love to Crystal Bernard, and flash them at the TV during reruns of Wings while Mrs. F’er isn’t looking.
Mile 30: It’s mid-September and 97 degrees. I’ve run out of water and Gatorade and begin questioning why I moved to Texas and why I’m still here.
Mile 35: I wonder if I had Jordis on the back of my tandem bike singing to me, how long it would take for me to get sick of it. Answer: Mile 18. I’d have to leave her roadside and trade up to a non-smoker with better aerobic capacity. I wonder if Brooke smokes and how she looks in lycra.
Mile 38: I decide that I’ll only go see the RS tour if Dana is part of it. Dehydration has clearly set in and clouded my thinking.
Mile 40: I arrive home and take a nap under my INXS sheets.
I probably won’t talk to you before the finale, so here’s the prediction. MiG is deemed not roit, leaving JD and Marty standing before the band. JD wins, but only under the condition that he stays off the INXS jet and drives to each show in his Honda Civic where he toils under the watchful eye of the Farriss Brothers. Just like Clay Aiken, Marty rides his runner up position to greater success than JD can imagine. MiG, after doing a beach party movie with Hilary Duff, fades into oblivion with Justin Guarini. And by oblivion I mean music theater in Wichita, Kansas.
Sorry about the American Idol references. I’ll try to make it up with a link to Ted Leo’s superior cover of Since You’ve Been Gone.
This week LeperPop hits the road, with Sid F’er doing a personal appearance at Larry’s Subs in Jacksonville, Florida. I’ll be happy to autograph your favorite post, even if it’s Moist Rub’s. Just print it out and bring it by with a package of Baked Lay’s (KC Masterpiece flavor). I’m not sure when I’ll be there, so just hang out and look for the guy dressed like Brooke Burke. It makes the clients a little uncomfortable, but it kept me out of the Korean War.