Saturday, September 30, 2006

Win A Date With Moist Rub

First I would like to thank everyone that entered the contest. The macaroni bust and the interpretive dance of his life were particularly impressive; however, a short man wearing a renaissance costume delivered a telegram to my door informing me that I was the ultimate winner. Next year Moist Rub has vowed to remember to include the clause that prevents employees of Leper Pop Publishing and its subsidiaries from entering.

Knowing that Moist Rub is a guitar hero and a Beth Hart fan, I suggested that we go to the upcoming Jeff Beck show at the Chicago Theater. I can appreciate the work of the guitar hero like Jeff Beck, but never thought I could sit through an entire concert of it.

My brother and I used to say that drowning in beer was like heaven, eh? Now he's not here, and I got two soakers... This isn't heaven, this sucks!

However, this time Jeff wised up and decided to invite Leper Pop idol Beth Hart along to sing with his band. So I carefully navigated the Ticketmaster website and found some crappy tickets for way too much money. I gave up hope and figured our date would be the usual night of Cuban food and flamenco dancing. I donned my hand crafted Spanish dance shoes, but then I thought about “it.” Yes, “it” – the dumbass eBay commercials. I fired up my Paypal account and found a plethora of tickets to the show available, and purchased a pair on the main floor at about 30% off from a guy that probably couldn’t find anyone to go to the show with him. I know that because he offered to buy one ticket back if I would be his friend. I had a good laugh at his expense while preparing for my date with Moist Rub.

I carefully flossed my teeth and agonized over whether to wear the black, white or green Chuck Taylors. I decided that the white ones would convey a clean look in conjunction with my jeans and t-shirt. Sure it was after Labor day, but I’m a rebel. Well, not quite. I remembered the show was on a work day. But my rebellion rose from within again, and I decided to flaunt office dress code and wear jeans to work that day. Imagine, it wasn’t even Casual Friday. I paired the Levis with my blue denim shirt, giving me that prisoner in a minimum security prison look.

We decided to meet for a romantic dinner at Potbelly Sandwich Works since it was across the street from the theater, and hey, who doesn’t like sandwiches? I searched the joint for Moist, but didn’t see him and went back outside to get some fresh urban air and wait for his arrival. Several seconds later he walked up and I greeted him warmly with a “hey” and a head nod. We had the normal awkward small talk about the menu, ordered up, paid, and the only two seats were at a counter type table over looking a couple booths in front of us. We stared at the two chicks eating sandwiches in the booth directly in front of us, but even with the most imaginative effort it was not erotic in any way. I don’t know about Moist, but I did make up my own clever backstory for them involving nudity, a copy machine and the demise of their dictatorial boss. Eventually, the dinner evolved into a brief business meeting, which consisted of my unaudited and flawed financial report and his unfinished marketing plan. We then agreed to no longer talk business for the rest of the evening and begin the trek across the street to the theater.

Using the Intellivision skills honed in college, we navigated through the mass of burned out, smoking ex-stoners out front of the theater and through the mass of oblivious people in the lobby who appeared to have been hired exclusively to stand around and get in the way of anyone that might have wanted to walk anywhere that evening. After taking our seats, my first observation was, based on the demographics of the rest of the audience, that we must be old. This was further confirmed after Moist Rub hoped out loud that everyone would remain seated so we wouldn’t have to stand all night. Finally, I considered applying for Social Security after the woman in the row in front of us, instead of sharing a toke from a joint, was offering up some delightful lemon lime gum before the show. I don’t remember what the guys behind us were talking about, but I seem to think it had something to do with Dockers, and I could feel any last remaining shred of cool being sucked from my body just by being there. We gave up hope that the empty seats adjacent to us would be filled by nubile college chicks and sat sullenly contemplating the bitch slap of reality that had just occurred.

Tom Marker, another old guy that’s been on WXRT radio since I can remember, came out not to introduce the band, but merely to announce that the show would start soon. That was about as useful as me telling you that I was planning to eat dinner tonight, but since old Tom probably had nothing better to do that evening we were sympathetic to his plight.

Finally, the unmistakable silhouette of Mr. Jeff Beck appeared from the shadows. It was either him or Nigel Tufnel, but I didn’t see Spinal Tap listed on the bill that evening. He then launched into a pretty cool song that I didn’t know, but with some cool guitar parts. Then he played another pretty cool song that I didn’t know, but with some cool guitar parts. Then he played another pretty cool song that I didn’t know, but with cool guitar parts. Then he played another pretty cool song that I didn’t know, but with some cool guitar parts. Then he started another one, and Beth came out to sing. Beth exuded cool, so much so that I felt a little of it return to my body just from being in her presence. She seemed to fit in well with the band, but it just wasn’t right. It was like watching Marty Casey on Rock Star. Yeah, he was doing well, but it just wasn’t quite right watching him do those songs with the house band. It’s just more right watching him play his songs with the Lovehammers. Or is it just Lovehammers? I never quite figured that out. But I digress.

Beth also sang on the next song, a bluesy number that I actually recognized, and then waved goodbye and went backstage to struggle with her personal demons. Jeff stayed with us and played another 5 or 6 tunes that I didn’t know, but with some cool guitar parts. He invited Beth back out for a couple generic rockers. She sounded a little better this time around, and I tried to support her knowing that the tour would at least look good on her curriculum vitae when all was said and done. I can’t really remember what happened next, mostly because I was fixated on destroying the keyboard player’s equipment in the same manner that Belushi smashed that acoustic guitar in Animal House. It was that annoying, but I guess it’s all part of Beck’s M.O. so it wasn’t going anywhere. Oh, yeah, there was Beatles cover that I actually enjoyed quite a bit. He finished the evening with a solo cover of Katherine McPhee’s Over The Rainbow. Again, it was impressive but at least Katherine was interesting to look at.

I know this hasn’t sounded like a glowing review, but I it was an extremely impressive display of guitar skills. But it just wasn’t fun. It was like sex with a way hot chick that sucks in bed. Beck just uses one damn guitar and doesn’t rely on a bunch of effects – it’s just him and his fingers and all the technique he’s developed and perfected over the years and I’m glad I got to see it firsthand, but I was just waiting for him to do something wicked or more to my liking with all that talent. And it never happened for me. I thought that maybe I was just a moron, and I might be, but I was happy to see that Moist didn’t find it overly exciting either. We walked morosely to the exit, dodging worshippers vying for Jeff Beck memorial shrouds. I bid Moist adieu with a “later” and closing head nod, and he walked toward the parking garage and I toward the train station. He was a gentleman and offered me a ride to the station, but I wanted to avoid that awkward moment when we would have arrived and not knowing what to do or say before getting out. Instead I made a lame excuse about having to stop at the office to make some photocopies of my ass. He seemed to buy it and I made it back safely to blog again another day.

If you want to read a real review of the show (or at least the Oakland show, but it sounds the same), check it out here.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Call Me Kitty VI - Sports Palace

This is the sixth installment of the Call Me Kitty series. For any new readers, it's a slight departure from our usual fare, so if you don't like it then just wait a few days and we'll return to our regularly scheduled idiocy. For any fans of our hero Dave, please read on.

“Hey, Dugger.”

“Hey, Dave… Rolling Rock?”

“You got it.”

And so went the usual interaction as he stepped up to the bar at Gordon’s Bar and Grill. Gordon was rarely around, but Dugger was predictably behind the bar anytime Dave stopped in after work. Dave never knew Dugger’s real name, but called him by the name of the small town in Indiana from which he came. Anyone who had ever been to Gordon’s more than once would call him Dugger and would be quickly reprimanded if they called him anything else. Especially if they called him “sir”. Some people are like that.

Dugger dropped off the Rolling Rock and Dave responded with an automatic “thank you, sir.”

Football season was in full swing, so as Dugger stepped to the tap and poured some beer down the side of a small beer glass for himself, Dave asked what looked good this weekend.

“I’m surprised Minnesota is only 4 point favorite this week… spread should be a lot greater than that.”

Dugger pulled up a stool on the other side of the bar from Dave and continued. “The big money must know something, so I’d take the 4 points and hope the Vikes tank.”

Football was always more exciting with some money on the line, but Dave was a little short on funds this week. Dugger was no authority on the game, but his logic sounded good at the time.

“Tell you what,” Dave proposed, “you spot me on this one and I’ll take the 4 points for a buck. If the Vikes do happen to cover, I’ll give you the two seats I got for the hockey game next Tuesday. Center ice, man.”

Dugger knew he shouldn’t take advantage of one of his best customers -- he knew Dave had just broken up with Kate, his frequent companion to the games. And the inside scoop on the line was only some crap he had heard some blowhard spewing out the other night. Hell, if he wanted, Dugger could probably even get a date with Kate. He was sure she would enjoy using the tickets she had become accustomed to.

“Deal, buddy. I’ll spot you a hundred and call Baker.”

Baker was the local bookie that occasionally frequented Gordon’s. He didn’t even need to call him. The Vikings would cover, and even if they didn’t Dugger could talk Dave into rolling his winnings into another losing bet. Life was good. And so was Kate.

Dave finished his beer and a few others and left a generous tip in return for the action. Life was good he thought to himself as he sloughed off to his car. It’s definitely who you know....

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Rock Star Sucks, And So Are We

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." Yes, the immortal quote from none other than Ferris Bueller. Or wait, maybe it was John Lennon. I get them confused. Yes, indeed, it was John Lennon. It was Ferris that said, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and take a look around once in a while, you could miss it." They both sang Twist and Shout, so I'm sure you understand my confusion. Or was it Paul who sang that one? I know it wasn't Ringo. No, I'm sure it was John. Ringo sang the No No Song. But I digress.

I've been so busy making other plans that I had a feeling I've been missing a lot. So today I stopped down and took a look around. That included dropping in at some of my favorite band websites, first stop Nu Shooz. No word on a reunion tour yet, so I moved on to Beth Hart and found that she was back touring in the US! Singing for Jeff Beck. I immediately sent a text message with the Chicago date to Moist Rub on my Verizon VCast phone to share the news, but remembered that he doesn't have a Verizon VCast phone. I think he donated his to a local charity that needed the hottest new videos at their fingertips. So I hopped in my Honda Ridgeline and rode in style to his house, where I waded through a throng of chicks camped out on his lawn waiting for just a glimpse of their hero. I found him inside strumming his guitar, courtesy of Gibson, and I nervously asked him to be my date. I don't think he heard me over the power chords, so I left a note on his fridge and I'm still waiting to her back. Update: He said yes! lonelyleper41 is no longer lonely!

But while perusing the Beth Hart site I checked out some vids. And after just a few seconds, the sorryness of our CBS Rock Stars became apparent. Same as last year. Show me one rocker that can hold xe's own against Ms. Hart. None of them are even worthy to wash her balls. I'm very bitter. I can't believe I spent all this time watching another season when I could have been learning conversational Albanian. One never knows when one might end up in the Balkans. But I digress.

Go buy a Beth Hart CD or DVD. Buy a ticket to her show. Come to the Chicago Theater show on September 19 with me and Moist. If you can't go out on a school night, then meet me in Milwaukee for The Von Erichs show on September 22. Just turn off the damn TV for a while. I understand the need to catch a Wings rerun every once in a while, but doesn't your couch need a break?

Finally thanks to everyone that came around this season - we've had over 28,000 hits since the season started and love every one of you. Except that creepy guy in Little Rock that keeps sending us pictures of his nipples. In case you're new around here, we continue to blog about stuff when Rock Star ends so stick around. Some of it sucks and some of it doesn't. We also have a message board to hang out at if you want to tell us how much you weigh, celebrate David Hasselhoff, or tell us what new releases are worthy of our time. Rock on, y'all.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Rock Star - Our Constipation Has Finally Dissipated by Moist Rub

Tonight was the night. Brooke declared it, so it has to be true. The rockers all seemed excited, especially Dilana as exemplified by her Mary Catherine Gallagher “Superstar!” pose she threw at the audience. Then she fell into some chairs and exposed her grandma panties.

Brooke, dolled up in the finest Pocahontas maternity wear, demanded we all give Suave Porn a final “Hell Yeah”. I don’t like that kind of coarse language, so instead, I shouted out, “Fuckin-A, Yes!” Brooke admitted she couldn’t have done any of this without the help of Dave Navarro. Any of what? Any of standing there looking pretty and reading the teleprompter? Is he both her plastic surgeon AND her optometrist? That dude is multi-faceted, for sure. As we learned, last night’s final performance show could only be described as “epic”, so don’t even think about calling it amazing. Dave had his best summer ever in this calendar year, not counting the six-week binge and hookerfest he had in Brazil last (northern hemisphere) winter, which technically was summer there. He settled Suave Porn’s worries by telling them they could not lose with any of these remaining rockers (except for three of them).

On to Danger Island where Brooke revealed that Magni, Toby and Lukas all spent some time in the bottom three of the voting. Two of these three gentlemen would have to sing to the death with their favorite song of the year. Dilana was safe for the moment, but she continued to smell her fingers after having held them in her armpits. They smelled like partially dried dishrags. Brooke informed us that the voting volume broke records last night, although she did not say which records. My guess is that they broke the record for the most leprosy patients treated, which was held prior to this by the Avadhoot Bhagwan Ram Kushta Seva Ashram Hospital at Parao, India that has treated 99,045 patients with full leprosy since 1961. Incidentally, this amount is a dual record also held by Navjot Gavaskar, an admissions clerk at the hospital since 1961, for counting the most lepers.

Magni was deemed the first unsafe rocker on Danger Island. His favorite song this summer is Fire by Jimi Hendrix. Tlee hates Magni, by the way. You can tell by the look on his face every time Magni’s name is brought up. It’s the same kind of look Katie Couric used to give Matt Lauer. Tlee also hates Iceland because he doesn’t know where it is or that people actually “come from there.” The back of the stage looked like it was actually on fire during Magni’s performance. I feared for Nate’s life until I realized it was just one of those fireplace videos people in mobile homes put in their vcr’s during Christmas. Finally, something eventful happened during one of Magni’s performances. My dog threw up on my carpet. I shouldn’t let her eat leftover burritos sitting on my counter from the weekend.

The second rocker hanging in the balance was Toby. He felt like pretending he was Billy Idol with White Wedding. He sounded like Billy for the first part of the song. But it was merely a ploy to show how much he’s changed since the show started, as he Tobyfied the rest of the song to the delight of young hopping girls across the globe. He almost made it to the end of the song without leaving the stage. He couldn’t take it anymore, since he’s deathly afraid of heights. So he jumped down into a clearing in the crowd, but returned to the stage with a rocker roll, timing the tangent of his coccyx to floor perfectly with the last beat of the song. Angus Young can’t even do that.

Toby and Magni stood on stage, with their hands folded at their respective crotches as if they were waiting for their prom dates to finally descend the staircase so they could escape the suspicious leer of their dates’ father. Unfortunately, only Toby’s date came down because Magni’s date was upstairs puking from pregnancy sickness that he caused a few weeks earlier after the acoustic show. Toby was allowed to dance his heart out at the prom, while Suave Porn father beat the snot out of Magni and sent him back to his fiery cave in Iceland. Although, they did mention they liked his ride. Ultimately, Suave Porn thought Magni was more suited to be in a band than to front a band. I agree. As we’ll learn later, apparently, the Suave Porn guys like to stand around and do nothing on stage while the lead singer does all the work. But, that is a story for another few minutes. Jason declared Magni the King of Iceland and sent him on his way. Iceland doesn’t have a king, as it is run by their prime minister. Although, they do have a president who acts as more of a ceremonial leader, so maybe that’s what Jason meant. He was in Metallica so we’re not sure what he ever means. But, he was in Metallica, so it’s ok.

Before we could move on to the good stuff (hopefully there would be good stuff), we endured the plights of the three remaining rockers, in video form, enhanced by a live comment by each rocker. Lukas admires Suave Porn for being good guys, even though they are rich, and being rich gives people the sacred right of being a prick, but Suave Porn is not a prick. He would be honored to lead them, as long as they stay away from any tall grass, in which case Suave Porn wouldn’t be able to find him. Dilana proclaims to be the One Ring to rule them all, to find them, to bring them all and in the darkness bind them because she is dedicated 1000% and is not limited by the rules of math. Tlee’s ears perk up when he hears the talk of binding them. Toby punctuates his growth as a performer, licks Suave Porn’s ass for showing him the way and mocks the other two rockers for being munchkins. Tlee declares them all amazing, not to be confused with epic, and decrees that they should all sing once again.

During the next commercial break, we are tormented with clips of Lukas singing Headspin in a Survivor promo. Gee, I wonder who’s gonna win? But, I’ll go through the rest of this crap, anyway, but with less heart than I normally do.

LukasBittersweet Symphony by The Verve. He was competing with the band for room in the soundosphere, and was losing except for where the orchestration was brought down for dramatic effect. Slathering, contortioning, pointing. Nothing new here. And why would there be?

DilanaZombie by The Cranberries. Dilana came at us with the determined look of a preschooler trying to write a cursive capital Q. It looks like her severed calf has healed, thank goodness. Either that or Paula Abdul gave her some helpers after the taping of last night’s show. Other than seeming to produce some vocal tones on her inhales, ala Ronnie Woo Woo of Cubs fan fame, nothing new to report here, either.

TobySomebody Told Me by The Killers. Why bother, Lukas already won. I’m watching Storm’s pre-Rock Star Great Day on You Tube right now. Beauty. And I just got done watching some Scott Weiland/STP videos to see if there was any similarity between his style and Lukas’, as my newest conspiracy theory claims that Suave Porn is trying to form a “super” group to compete with Velvet Revolver. There wasn’t much similarity. Maybe back in Scott’s younger days – a little. He’s better than Lukas. Still, I believe my theory still holds true. Now I’m eating Chips Ahoy cookies. They’re not as good as they used to be. I’m getting crumbs in the keyboard. So, that was Toby’s last performance on the show. Good on ya, mate.

Ooo, look, Tlee’s drums magically appeared on stage. Brooke must have missed the stagehands (they’re not called roadies on a tv show) setting them up during the commercial break because she was busy trying to find out what my new phone number is. Nobody knows why Tlee’s drums are on stage. I’ll play along. Jason booted Toby from the show because he has great vocal range, has the best voice for cutting through the guitars and has notched himself up through the ranks all season long. I guess he ran out of notches. I’m not even sure where you would buy notches. What the hell is a notch, anyway? It sounds like something I don’t want to have growing in my sigmoid colon, that’s for sure. So, the notch ridden Toby is no more. He thanked the Suave Porn and also told them to eat it.

They eliminated the march of shame for the ousted rockers for this year’s version of Rock Star. I was looking forward to seeing the fallen rockers again, especially Chris, one of the best singers in the world, so I’ve heard. Instead, Gibly asked for more time to keep us in suspense for an extra couple of minutes. I took this opportunity to scratch my back on the corner of the wall.

We came back from commercial to watch two sweating people on stage. I usually go to Wal-Mart to look at sweating people. Someone on the show said this has been an incredible summer of rock and roll. As far as television shows go, I agree. This show has rocked pretty good at times. It’s no Don Kirshner’s Rock Concert, but it’s probably all we can expect from network TV nowadays.

The final Suave Porn assessment of Lukas: He’s got the look, the energy and they love the way he moves and can't wait to see if he ever explodes.

The final Suave Porn assessment of Dilana: She’s yeah, enchanting and unbelievable, but mostly yeah.

Lukas, you’re our boy. Welcome. (note: now I’m listening to Patrice’s original Suave Porn clinic song – Hopscotch Butterscotch, or whatever it was called and then I'll watch her performance of My Iron Lung - one of my faves from the show, like Suzy's Get Back from last year.)

Dilana was pissed but was cordial and said all the right things. Although, she did do the Animal House coughing “Blow Job” and “Eat Me” thing. Dave asked her to come rock with them on tour, since they’ll need somebody to smack around after Lukas gets too bloody. Gibly promised to help her write and produce her album when he has nothing better to do. Dilana said that would kick ahss, and encouraged Lukas to kick some serious ahss, too. So Lukas kicked Paul in the face. They were having so much fun kicking Dilana off the show, Sauve Porn forgot to unveil themselves with Lukas, until Brooke reminded them because that is what the teleprompter told her to say.

After a few minutes of Suave Porn hug fest on stage, they tried to crank it up with Be Yourself, which is that one song that sounds like a Louis XIV song. It is at this point I figured out the primary reason they chose Lukas. They don’t want anybody understanding their insipid lyrics and making fun of them. They have succeeded in that quest. Eventually, they made their way to It’s All Love, a non-descript anthem. As I alluded to before, another reason they chose Lukas is because of his energy. Jason and Gibly act like they are performing in a wax museum on stage. Tlee looks like he’s operating a lathe and doesn’t want to mess up his wood. They’re not very dynamic performers at all, especially compared to all the bragging they’ve been doing all summer. You know, Jason used to be in Flotsam and Jetsam. Magni accompanied them on It’s All Love, and he was the most animated musician in the band. What does that tell you? It tells me, they should hire acrobatic robots to perform for them. Or at least let Shields and Yarnell join the band as back up mimes.

One good thing has come out of all of this. After diligently watching every Tuesday and Wednesday night for the entire summer and seeing the same commercials being played over and over and over in my face. I’m really excited about that new show The Class. It doesn't look similar to Friends at all.

Having said all of this, I do intend to see Suave Porn live – as soon as they open for The Lovehammers.

(By the time I was finished writing this amazing epic, I was watching videos of Marty from last year's show. If you don't like this blog, blame him. It's his fault we started this whole mess. The Lovehammers are awesome - Brooke says to check them out.)

Sid's Rock Star Finale!

I waited ten weeks for that???

Rock Star - We're Almost Done, Thank Xe by Moist Rub

Tonight, Brooke wore a menacing dark suit with a blood red power tie. As she sat behind a desk with her hands folded, she announced that the safety of America depends on the outcome of the battle on the stage of Rock Star. If Suave Porn chooses the wrong rocker, the terrorists win. Wait, maybe that was President Bush last night in his pull-the-wool address that interrupted our football, and it was the battle in the streets of Baghdad, instead of on the stage of Rock Star. Either way, it was one of the stupidest lines I’ve ever heard. That crazy President Bush and his presidential addresses – he’s the original reality show darling, appearing on one of the scariest reality shows I’ve ever seen. Even worse than Enemas With B-List Celebrities You Recognize But Can't Recall Their Names.

There was a lot of hand made signs displayed in the audience tonight, each praising the bearer’s favorite rocker. I saw one for Tlee that said “My Dad Love’s Tommy Lee”. On the back of it was written, “In the Worst and Most Painful Way.” That sign was held by Gibly’s daughter. When Tlee saw it, he moved his chair closer to Gibly’s and did the yawn/put-your-arm-around move. Another sign said, “I’m Paula Abdul and I have no idea where I am.”

Brooke was feeling a little tired from being gravid, so she turned over the announcing reigns to Dilana to announce the winner of the Rock Star loser vote. Yes, the winner was Ryan Star. Yes, when I said “loser” in the prior sentence, I was referring to the people who voted for Ryan. But I don’t think the votes mattered, so no offense to you losers out there. Apparently, Ryan has an album called Dark Horse already on sale on line. Mark Burnett owns eighty percent of it, so the “voters voted” for Ryan to come back and sing to us about his only chance of getting laid – global thermal nuclear war. Hey, it worked for Matthew Broderick in The Producers. Ryan’s song is called Back of Your Car, but is also known as Armageddon to Get Some. His desperation to get his pee-pee dipped is pretty evident in that he’s asking his partner to take off her clothes in the first line. What, no romance? Not even a “your eyes look so beautiful when reflecting the atomic blast in the distance”? If you have to ask your partner to take off xe’s clothes, you’re trying too hard. I know this to be true because Dr. Phil told me so in a dream. And then I braided his back hair. To get Ryan to come back to his stage of shame, they bribed him with a repossessed Honda CRV, complete with a chocolate phone that he immediately used to make wireless s’mores.

Next we took a recap ride on each amazing rockers’ amazing roller coaster amazing journey through their amazing rock star experience. It was nothing short of amazing.

Toby began the rocking, performing to a sea of EVS signs, with Karma Police by Radiohead. He wore his best cop sunglasses to reinforce the law enforcement motif of the song. Toby had just come back from working out and still wore his weight lifting gloves. This was his personal statement about police brutality. None of us know which side of the issue he is on, however. More importantly, he wore the gloves because he can’t afford to get calluses due to his masturbatory sensitivity issues. This also explains the numerous bottles of aloe in his bedroom. And the oven mitts. And the silly putty. Toby gave us an expected Tobylly awesome version of this song. The only twist he tossed us was that he stayed on the stage for the entire song. I didn’t see that coming. To crank out his original, Throw Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh It All Away, Toby demanded the presence of the man from Iceland on the stage. Since Halldór Ásgrímsson was not in attendance, Magni took his spot and played guitar. This allowed Toby to add a dimension of frivolity to his show. At one point, he appeared to be examining Magni’s scalp for sebaceous cysts, but he was actually writing “EVS” on the back of his skull with a permanent marker. Permanent marker, not one of those Crayola washable ones. They are now considered to be married in some parts of the Australian outback. There is nothing more rock and roll than aboriginal same sex marriages. And what about the pig-footed bandicoot? What, indeed. Magni tried to get back at Toby for marrying him without asking his wife by attempting to bludgeon Toby with his guitar. But it was all in fun, so they had figurative make up sex on stage by playing tandem guitar. Toby was the driver, in case you were wondering. Dave and Suave Porn all loved the Toby show, except that Gibly bitched about something, but nobody listened to him because we were all distracted by Tlee’s tongue in his ear.

Lukas used the Liza Minnelli comb over to groom himself for tonight’s show. It was fabulous. I think he may have used some of her make-up application techniques, too. He probably has the entire Liza self-help DVD collection at home. Lukas likes to shower himself with more dramatic lighting than the other rockers. It exemplifies his histrionic, Jan Brady-like outpouring as he works through his personal demons on the stage. Little does he know that the audience has decided to start charging him $150 per hour for these sessions. Lukas’ cover song tonight was Fix You by Coldplay. I’d like to tell you how he did, but, honestly, I don’t remember it much. It wasn’t much different than all of his other efforts. I do remember he was pointing at everybody a lot. I felt so accused. After a moment or six of dramatic dead air, Lukas let us know that he would be taking Head Spin down a little bit. He took it way down. He chose to solo acoustic at it. His guitar was open tuned in case his hands cramped up from the emotional pain he would experience and he would then be able to play the rest of the song with his feet. Unfortunately, his hands remained pliable. The feet playing would have spiced up the act immensely. This taken down performance enabled us to actually understand some of the lyrics. Once the pain in my temple from trying to make sense of them goes away, I’ll let you know what I think. Dave announced that Paula Abdul was in the audience because she wanted to hear some real singers perform. She was holding another sign: “Will critique nicely for pills”. Dave and Suave Porn proceeded to bathe Lukas in tongue sauce.

Dilana chose to sing Roxanne by The Bacon Patrol because a departed rocker had already performed it, and she wanted to show the world how it should be done. That is quite a challenge Dilana gave herself – singing the same song that another rocker did that was arguably considered the worst performance of the entire season. Way to set the bar high, Dilana. To her credit, she did a fabulous job. I enjoy the tender Dilana more than the braying hellhound Dilana. She pippified the male rockers to sing back up for her. They sounded great, too. Then she ruined everything by singing Soup Or Soul, her original song that dares the listener to choose between eternal existence and an unbelievably delicious crock of lobster bisque. I took the bisque, and I hate seafood. She announced the song by declaring, “This song is not a rebel song, this song is Super Bloody Soulday.” I think she may have borrowed that introduction from somebody else. She went on to say that this song was about letting the bad things go, like this song. So we let it go, as she wandered around the studio, singing to all that would listen, and eventually serenading Suave Porn, with face touching and everything. She even sang a bit to the anesthetized Paula Abdul. I found it interesting that when Dilana did that, she happened to sing, “No way you can hurt me anymore.” Paula must have been stealing Dilana’s face jewelry, mistaking them for Librium pills. Again, Dave and Suave Porn declared their goat fetishes about Dilana.

Magni closed the show by singing Hush by Deep Purple and then his original When the Time Comes. It was a typical Magni performance. Solid, yet uneventful. I like Magni, and I hope he wins, but he won’t. First of all, I never get what I want, so boo hoo for me and for him. Remember when I wanted that new sled for Christmas in the third grade? Remember what I got instead? That’s right, airplane glue. Looking back, I enjoyed the airplane glue more than I would have enjoyed the sled, but that’s not the point. Second of all, Tlee roasted him. He claimed to remember the other three rockers’ songs, but that there was nothing memorable about Magni’s original. I happen to think Magni’s original is pretty good and is definitely closest in style to what I’ve heard of the Suave Porn stuff. Magni retorted, “I don’t hear anybody walking down the street humming any of your crap you guys made us sing over the past few weeks either, scarecrow.” Which is true. Tlee does remind me of a scarecrow. I can’t recall a single melody of any of their songs. And, if I can’t recall one, nobody else can either. That’s a rule I just made up. So, Magni is pretty much out. Unless Tlee is messing with us. But, I doubt it, and I don’t care, because Storm is gone.

The Bird Ass Beans were Magni, Lukas and Toby, with Dilana leading the pack. I’m not sure how it will end up tomorrow. I still can’t figure out how Ryan got to be the resurrected rocker. The human animal confuses me. That is why I spend most of my time with pig-footed bandicoots. I’m not even sure what the plan is for tomorrow’s show. Do they oust the low man on the voting pole from the get-go, and have a dance off between the remaining ones? Or, do they do us a favor and give the gig to the highest vote getter and end the show after two and a half minutes. Again, I don’t care, because Storm is gone. And so is Patrice. And Brooke is knocked up. This season has been very rough on my frail little psyche. I think I need to write a song about Lukas’ mother.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Rock Star - Sept 12 - Sid

Yeah, I know I didn’t recap the mansion show this week, but I suddenly realized that I really don’t care. They could fill the joint with a hundred monkeys and I still wouldn’t be interested. I don’t think I’d accept an invite to the place unless they guaranteed that Crystal Bernard was serving dinner like she did in It’s A Living. Even then, she had better be serving up something like baby back ribs. I’m not sitting next to Lukas or Dilana for the baked chicken and green beans that you get at a wedding reception.

But after watching for several weeks, I’m guessing the mansion show went something like this. Brooke reminded us that there was a performance AND an elimination show last week and had us check out this clip. Back at the mansion the remaining rockers all toasted Storm, talked about her amazing amazingness, and all agreed that she will kick their collective asses as a solo artist. Toby smashed cake in his own face in celebration of his encore, Magni hid under the table, Lukas put on a goalie mask to protect his makeup, and Dilana stuck a safety pin through the bridge of her nose to celebrate her lame cowpunk rendition of Cheap Trick.

Hmmm, I’m guessing Gibly showed up for some sort of clinic. I can’t remember which clinic we’re missing from last season, so I’m assuming it was something new like a tour bus hobbies clinic. The next day they all brought a sample that represents how they would pass the time on the tour bus. Magni spent his time translating .38 Special lyrics into Icelandic. Gibly was unimpressed. Dilana built several models of World War II airplanes and then decorated them with some groovy flowers and smiley faces. Gibly smiled and nodded, and then ran them over with his motorcycle after she left. Lukas brought Gibly a ball of yarn and a really cool pattern, said he was going out for a beer, and asked Gibly to call him on his cell phone when he had it finished. Toby had forgotten to pick a hobby, but showed up with cake on his face and a bottle of Yukon Jack. Gibly loved the youthful energy that Toby brought to the clinic, licked the frosting off this face, helped finish off the Yukon Jack, and declared Toby the winner.

During song selection nobody wants to perform Tequila because it’s too hard, so they give it to Storm. Or more specifically, a pillowcase with a face drawn on with a black Sharpie and “Storm” written across the top. Dilana fights for the right to perform Stairway to Heaven, then claims she has never heard the song before but the lyrics really spoke to her heart. Lukas is given You Spin Me Right Round by Dead or Alive, but says he will just perform Headspin again. Toby chooses Fight For Your Right to Party because it will allow him to showcase his youthful energy and dance with underage girls in the studio audience. Yeah, I’m jealous, so what about it?

Finally, we learn that Magni and Toby did not get to rehearse with the house band, because after having to rework songs for Dilana and Lukas, Paul has hanged himself and Jim was giggling too hard to continue.

The other reason I didn’t watch the mansion show was because I was on a crappy wireless network in Orlando fighting for bandwidth on a crappy wireless network against bunch of bloated businessmen trying to download porn in their hotel rooms. I finally gave up, called an escort and finally lived out my Minnie Mouse fantasy.

For the performance show I suppose it’s a no-brainer that Brooke recaps all that stuff I just said. Except that Minnie Mouse thang. That’s our little secret. She makes the crowd give it up for our four remaining rockers. Dilana pulls a hamstring giving the devil horns. She introduces Suave Porn. TLee asks the audience if this is friggin’ huge. Jason makes a dorky face that makes James Hetfield cringe. Gibly sits quietly like a porn actor waiting for his big scene. I believe that Dave Navarro and Amanda Peete could be brother/sister. I also believe that children are the future. We’re so screwed.

During the intros I spotted a sign that said, “My dad loves Tommy Lee.” There is something very disturbing about that sign, the person who wrote it, and their dad. Or maybe it was just the bastard son of Vince Neill putting in a good word for his father.

Ryan wins the Verizon Wireless Fan Favorite vote. In addition to winning a Honda CR-V he also earned a $250 gift certificate at the MAC counter, which he apparently spent all on mascara.

By now all y’all know that I’m not a big fan of Lukas, but the one thing that I do dig about the little guy is that he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about whatever Brooke is talking about. While everyone else sits around politely with their hands folded in their lap reading along to the teleprompter, Lukas is jumping around yelling at the crowd, the house band, and the production staff like the wacky guy in the background of the live shot on the local news.

Karma Police - 70’s policeman shades and cycling gloves. All he needs are rented bowling shoes to complete the random ensemble.

Throw It All Away
– I’ve heard enough of this song in the last two weeks, but at least he made it interesting by making Magni his bitch. Toby forced him into servitude by enlisting him as rhythm guitar, signed him like a Terrell Owens touchdown ball, and then finally relegated him to the role of a guitar strap. I was waiting for Toby to command him to start licking his rented bowling shoes.

Toby really is a decent fit for Suave Porn, but while I was watching him stand there with Brooke I can totally see him going the way of Willie Ames and Celebrity Fit Club on VH1. Enjoy him while you can, girls.

Fix You – Lukas interpretation of this one comes off like a lullaby for Rosemary’s Baby, Paula Abdul sways in the crowd, Dave Navarro holds up his Verizon Wireless phone, and I want to move to a remote place with no television.

Headspin: No, headache.

Gibly compliments Lukas, saying that rock and roll is about not being afraid to try something new. I guess that’s why Suave Porn sent Zayra and Storm home.

Roxanne – It pissed me off that I liked this performance. The same feeling I get when I like a Will Ferrell movie.

– What’s up with the latest trend of walking through the crowd? I see people walk through crowds every day I go downtown to work. The producers need to put a stop to it since once they get beyond the first three rows of paid hot chicks, the dorks in button down shirts, polo shirts and Dockers aren’t giving the show much cred. As if the fake Mayan Theater wasn’t enough of a travesty.

Hush – This guy could totally make a great living playing the summer festival circuit. In the band that gets the 3 p.m. gig on Saturday afternoon playing mostly covers and the random original.

When The Time Comes – It makes perfect sense that he paired his original with a Deep Purple tune since it sounds like they both could have been written in 1968.

Early results in order of most votes received:
Dilana, Toby, Lukas, Magni

Sid’s Bottom Three Comic Strips:
Marmaduke – OK, I get it already. He’s a real big dog.

Family Circus – Cute kids are not nearly as funny as you think. They aren’t that cute, either.

Nancy – She’s annoying, has bad hair, dresses terribly and is not funny. Sluggo is an idiot for hanging out with her. The only redeeming feature is her hot Aunt Fritzi. Notice the Joe Nichols shirt – he's famous for his song Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Rock Star Sucks - How Could They Do That To Dear Sweet Innocent Little Storm by Moist Rub

Oh, where should I start? How about the end? They launched Storm. I officially blog under protest from here on out.

Not that any of the rest of this crap matters, since they got rid of Storm tonight, but here is what happened. Dave congratulated Brooke for getting knocked up. Brooke told us she is having another girl. Dave appreciates the possibility of having another little Brooke Burke in the world. We are all very happy for her. How does that help Storm? It doesn’t. We move on.

How could they get rid of Storm? Obviously, she was the best and most unique performer. She had the most to offer Suave Porn and what did that get her? A swift kick in the ass. That’s what. She intimidates them. That’s what it is. Fine. Good luck to you, dumb ass Suave Porn. Here is your future should you choose any one of the remaining “rockers”.

Magni – they’ll get one short-lived quasi-hit out of him. He’ll trick them into signing him to a lifetime contract. After the quasi-hit dies out in a matter of weeks and Pauly Shore won’t even return their phone calls, they’ll move to Iceland, move into a volcano, sell Magni’s wife for bier money and vow to raise Magni’s son together. An Icelandic television producer will hear about their living situation and create a reality sit com show called Minn Fjórir Viðmótsþýður Klám Faðir. The volcano will erupt in the third season encasing them all in Pompeii-like tombs. Then we’ll mock them in museums throughout the world.

Lukas – after spending months upon months in the studio and only being able to record one verse and the chorus of each song, Tlee downs a giant bag of lysergic acid diethylamide, finds a magic furry frog and teaches it to sing. He fools the rest of Suave Porn into thinking the frog is Lukas by painting a white stripe down its fur and by applying gobs of disoriented eye make-up to its face. Lukas is out roaming the halls of the studio checking out what Men Without Hats are doing with their comeback album when Suave Porn finishes recording. Suave Porn, led by the magic furry frog, heads out on tour, which, along with the album, is fabulously successful. They reach the ultimate heights of rock super stardom when PETA finally catches up with them and douses them with carbolic acid for Lukasifying a perfectly innocent magic furry frog. Suave Porn corrodes into withered skeletons (which would have happened naturally in about seven years, anyway), while Lukas tries to remember which reality show he won. The magic furry frog goes on to become the spokesamphibian for Mentos.

Dilana – before they can even begin rehearsals, Dilana complains to the press that Tlee doesn’t eat all of his vegetables, Gibly sleeps with his shoes on and Jason likes to spit into the air and catch it back in his mouth. She refuses to sing the lyrics written by the band because they have nothing to do with her. Without informing Dilana, Suave Porn decides to record an instrumental album and lets Dilana sing her egocentric lyrics into an unplugged microphone. On the way to their first gig in Vegas, they shove her out of the limo window into a canyon. The Suave Porn boys all return to their old bands where they belong. Dilana tears her other calf muscle on the fall down the canyon. The cacti she lands on think she’s a hero for enduring such pain and asks her to join their band. She agrees and they do a few shows at garage sales in Encino.

Toby – Toby’s presence in the band attracts a lot of young hot chicks. They have a successful album and tour and make a lot of money.

OK, maybe Toby will work out.


I’m still disenchanted with this show, however.

They gave Magni the opportunity to front the Suave Porn. To tame his fierce stage show, they hid him behind a large, cumbersome acoustic guitar. The name of Suave Porn’s new hit single is It’s All Love, which is an homage to Courney Love’s basketball career. Or, maybe that was Bob Love. Magni spent most of the time singing to the stage floor since the stage floor demographic buys most of the albums in Iceland. When he rid himself of the guitar to crank it up a notch (effectively using the roadie slave labor, I might add), he tried to stumble walk over to interact with Gibly and Jason. They ignored him like a stomping horse at an abacus convention. They were busy concentrating on the notes. Note concentration is often overlooked in rock and roll. These boys should be commended, but they won’t be by me because they hurt poor Storm.

Good news. At least I thought it was good news until I learned that Storm would no longer be on the show. Now, I couldn’t give a pig flying coital feat. Suave Porn added Dave and his channel of panic to the tour bill. Yip-fricken-pee.

Toby was awarded the encore for his Oh Oh Oh song. He also won a tricked out Honda Element. By tricked out, they mean it’s got enough gas in it to make it to the nearest gas station to fill up. Toby dedicated the song to the master of the stingray, Steve Irwin - The Crocodile Hunter. His death is tragic, especially when you consider he left a young daughter behind and was beloved by many people, but at least he didn’t have to live to see the day when Storm WOULD BE OUSTED BY SUAVE PORN! Toby’s encore was no different than his regular core last night. Brooke gave Toby the keys to the Element after his performance. He ate them because he thought they were barbecued dingo teeth (a delicacy in Australia).

Everybody made it to Danger Island this week. Storm should have never been there. What kinds of communists are voting out there? Juggling communists? Fire breathing communists?

It pained Brooke to announce Storm’s name as the first contestant in the bottom three. There was magic in the full lipped, and a little bit of tongue, kiss they shared on yesterday’s show. Magic not unlike that a magic furry frog may wield. Storm chose from Marty’s arsenal to defend herself as she fought the bottom three dragon with Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd. She was fabulous. One would think she could never be asked to leave the show after such an immaculate performance. It makes me question my most deeply held beliefs, such as my belief that truck tires grow from telephone poles. She made everybody cry. She made Lukas’s make up run, by golly! That was for you, Mom of Storm. I guess Suave Porn hates Storm’s mom. Nice. Real nice.

Next up, Delino Deshields. His career batting average was .268 and he hit 80 home runs. I can see why he got a sex change and changed his name to Dilana. She propelled herself onto the stage using her newly bought Chia crutches. What a trooper. Nobody in the history of the universe has ever dealt with such pain and has been able to perform with such dorky hoppability. Had this tragedy happened to Storm, she would have bit Tlee’s leg off and stapled it to her hip in order to provide a crutchless, whineyless, self-pityless performance for the masses. But I guess that kind of courage makes no difference to Suave Porn. Dilana wanted to sing a punk song. When I think punk song, I invariably think of the poppy, yet a little cheesy, but well likable, I Want You To Want Me by Cheap Trick. Who doesn’t? If she wanted to sing a Cheap Trick punk song, she should have at least opted for He’s a Whore. But, what do I know; I’m just a blogger with two perfectly healthy calves. I’ve got no talking points. She tried to punk up the song and make it dastardly, but it didn’t work. Sure, she fooled the audience and the Suave Porn, who gave her a standing ovation, but she didn’t fool me. I did give a standing ovation to her good calf, however.

Magni fell for it. Toby didn’t.

Lukas the doofus (as coined by my son) was the third bottom tonight, because Brooke needed him on stage to ask him for some eye shadow application tips. Lukas and Dilana have very similar voices, only Dilana’s is tinged with more testosterone. Come to think of it, they have a lot in common. For instance, neither one of them are Storm and they are both still on the show, and I’m bored with both of their acts. Lukas felt the need for more catharsis tonight, so he tortured us with his bi-polar Headspin, once again. As usual, his performance consisted of disc-slipping, rib-breaking body contortions and his coughing-up-a-lung singing style. Dean Martin used to do the same kind of thing until he saw Jerry Lewis doing it and realized how stupid it looked.

Gibly mailed in his wrap up. He cursed the two women for recurring themselves in the bottom three and set the doofus back to the rocker den since it was only his first offense. Tlee forgot to take his viagra and was not able to perform his Tleehawk duties. He granted those duties to Jason, who was not interested in sleeping with Storm, as Tlee was, so he had no problem giving her the big bus ticket. He even told her to sleep in her own bed, when he knows damn well that she’s been sleeping in Magni’s bed all this time.

Storm thanked the fans in the audience, the fans at home (me, in particular) and her freak family of rockers. They must have omitted her thanking Suave Porn. Or did she? We may never know. We may never care. Dave gave Storm the around the world tongue bath of her life. I like Dave. He’s got a good head on his shoulders. In fact, I may buy an extremely overpriced ticket to their tour stop in Chicago, watch the House Band featuring the crappy rockers and enjoy Dave and his band, and then go home, just to piss off Suave Porn. And they’ll know that I left, I guarantee it. I will leave them an acerbic note on the windshield of their jet. And, I’ll buy one of their t-shirts from the parking lot guy instead of one of their authorized vendors. That’ll show them.

Who cares? Storm is gone and I hate everybody.

Rock Star - Sept 6 - Sid

I see that Brooke decided to wear her Leper Pop t-shirt tonight, but the donkey ball producers made her turn it inside out. I guess I understand, since then they would have to allow Dave to wear his t-shirt and allow Jason to wear his t-shirt.

Brooke noticed TLee looked tired and Dave noticed that Brooke looked knocked up and nobody noticed Jason.

Then there was more lame chatter than on a bad blind date, before the Suave Porn dropped us off out front with a handshake and a promise to do it again soon. Then they got on with their late night booty call and announced Magni as this week’s Suave Porn Featured Dancer.

Suave Porn/Magni – It’s All Love: I can’t see them filling arenas with this guy at the helm. In fact, I’m not sure they’d make enough money to buy him a ticket back to Iceland after the last stop on the tour.

Brooke told us that the rockers made their way to the show in true rock star style – in their Honda Element SC’s. I’m not sure it’s considered rock star style if I can go out and buy one for $17,995.

I don't know what happened for the rest of the show because I passed out at this point after playing my new drinking game in which I do a shot every time somebody says “amazing”. Before they even got to the encore I had polished off a bottle of Wild Turkey, some Cuervo, and was halfway through a bottle of Ny-Quil. I think it was the Ny-Quil that put me over the edge. Thankfully, the DVR was still rolling so I shook it off and continued on.

Next we got some exciting Suave Porn worldwide tour news (although I’m not sure that three forays into Canada qualifies as a worldwide tour).

“Brooke! Brooke! Hey, Brooke!”
“Yes, Dave?”
“I think I want to rock out with Suave Porn.”
“Dave, they already played tonight – did you already forget their memorable performance of It’s All Love with Magni? You should have checked it out.”
“No, Brooke, I mean I want to tour with them – me and my band Channel Locks.”
“Dave, I thought they were called Panic Button.”
“No, you’re thinking about that Staples commercial.”
“Sorry, Dave, but that’s great news, isn’t it.”
Audience: “Yaaayyyyy!”

And scene.

Oh, and whoever gets tonight’s encore gets to keep their Honda Element SC. I think they also get a sponge bath from Gibly featuring Passion Fruit Shower Gel from The Body Shop. I was so pumped up when Storm won the….. wait… what? Serious? Friggin’ Toby? Where’s the rest of my Ny-Quil? This show sucks. I resign.

Oh, what the hell, I might as well finish this episode. So Toby introduced his song called Throw it Away which is about getting so wasted that your skin hurts the next day, and dedicated it to poor dead Steve Irwin the crocodile hunter. I’m sure Steve is honored and his family is flattered.

Bottom Three time, and all rockers are on Danger Island this week. First up is…

Storm – Wish You Were Here: Jason cried. Storm cried. I cried because I ran out of Ny-Quil. And just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, Storm pulls out one of those little Kleenex travel packs that only your grandma carries around. Good grief, who’s next?

Dilana – I Want You To Want Me: I give her props for her athleticism in hopping down from the den and back up on the stage with impressive dexterity. So let me get this straight… she took a classic Cheap Trick song and re-worked it??!!?? What was she thinking? Because she totally what the what sucked it. She claimed it was punk. No. It wasn’t. If I cared enough, I’d send her a CD of The Gits for her first lesson in punk. What she was attempting, and failing at, was more a country punk sound. If you want to hear it done right, go listen to some Von Ehrics. Kicking off their Midwest tour next weeek. I’ll be at The Note on September 23rd, so why don’t you all meet me there. I’ll buy you a beer. So who’s next? Is there anyone here that actually wants to win this thing?

Lukas – Headspin: I love it when rockers decide to do their own damn encore. I think he thought that Tommy and Brooke would get confused and give him an Element, too, but it didn’t appear to work. I’m not sure since I fast forwarded through his performance on my DVR. I sure hope nobody got naked. I’m betting Moist Rub would let me know.

The Gibly Pre-Hatchet Recap
Storm – you throw a nice change up, but you’ve yet to throw a complete game.
Dilana – you’re the top prospect, but seem to be in a slump.
Lukas – Whaddya doing up there – go sit down, you lovable little lugnut.

The Tommyhawk didn’t have the heart to pull the trigger on the babes, so made Jason do the dirty work. Jason did the obligatory “you guys rock pretty good for chicks” speech, then told Storm that she would be going home to sleep in her own bed tonight. Or my bed. I’ll leave the door open, Stormy.

Dave and the Suave Porn continued sucking up to Rock Star: Storm Nova and she was gracious enough, but appeared ready to just get the hell out. Her goodbye speech seemed reminiscent of Bill Murray’s speech in the barracks to the rest of the platoon:
Lukas Rossi, you are a madman. When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with you, cowboy. If the two of us together, forget it.

Yeah, I know I already used that reference earlier this season, but it’s not like we haven’t heard the same damn songs over and over. And over. And over. One more week, buddies, just one more week.

Rock Star - Sept 5 Moist Rub

I know we are all worried about Ryan since he was so rudely catapulted from the show last week. We all fear that he will not have an appropriate outlet for his angst and will end up brooding at librarians in the street. Do not fret, as he has found an activity that will help him channel his angst in socially acceptable ways. He has been busy, very busy, downloading his own performances from MSN. He has been so prolific at this task that he now holds the top three spots for the most downloaded artist, including his original song of throes. He has had to replace his keyboard and mouse thirty-seven times, however.

We endured the recap of the mansion show. The only noteworthy segment, other than the mischief merriment described by Sid, yesterday, was Paul’s comment about Dilana’s attempt to transmogrify Behind Blue Eyes having never heard the entire song. He declared it her changing from a position of ignorance. From his cagey tone and the way he kept hand grooming his hair away from his face (ever heard of a bobby pin, mister?), I got the feeling that he thought this was the wrong thing to do. Speaking as a man who has changed from a position of ignorance when my son was born, and eventually I got pretty good at swapping out those dirty diapers even though I had never done it before, I beg to claim bull poppy. Sometimes a position of ignorance breeds novel and exciting directions, like the time I thought it would be a good idea to place a week’s worth of diapers on the boy each Monday, and merely peel the outer one away each time he soiled. I still can’t figure out why that didn’t seem to work. It looked good on paper.

Poor Dilana. She ripped a calf muscle trying to tap dance her way out the derisive comments she made about her fellow rockers. This should be a lesson to you young rockers out there – Tap dancing and rockin’ don’t mix. Always go with the Farandole, unless the beat demands the Lindy Hop. Luckily for Dilana, Michael Clarke Duncan was hanging out back stage and was able to carry her to a stool on the stage for her performance. Then he said, “Just took it back, is all. Awful tired now, boss. Dog tired.”

Dilana began her set with the aforementioned Behind Blue Eyes by The Who. She began in tender fashion, reminiscent of Shirley Temple’s Polly Wolly Doodle. Eventually, she tore down the temple and launched the new rad fad of Stool Jammin’, not to be confused with Michelle Pfieffer’s A-frame ladder jammin’ in Grease 2. Being cripple, she resorted to pointing around the stage so the audience would know where she wanted to romp. She also made the House Band come to her to rock and to bring her soup and hot oil gauze pads. The camera zoomed in on her own blues at the end of the song so we could see what was behind them. No surprise here, it was only a couple of optic nerves, just like most other people. To keep the set hot, Dilana described her life as the house amoeba and denounced the importance of her becoming the singer of Suave Porn because she is a Super Soul and that is all she needs. Or maybe she meant Super Sole, and she plans to open a chain of footwear stores if she doesn’t win. Like the other glimpses we’ve had at her lyric writing, this song is all about her in the here and now, as if she has no past experiences, no forethought on the conditions of others, no dreams or no overtures of getting in a girl’s pants. Her lyrics describe her current situation at all times, “Ohhhhhhh, I’m at the butcher shop, and I like the ribeye, but ooooooooo, that hot pork chop, is making me cry. Ohhhhhhhhh, I’ll need some peas, to serve on the side, but oooooooooooo, help me please, it’s a crazy ride!” Gibly called her out on the literalness of her songs. Dave didn’t like her original. Nor did I. Tlee threatened to put Dave in a box, because he enjoyed Dilana’s Super Sole and asked what she had available in size twelve. Jason commended her on her strong will and effort, which, of course, is what we say to all the crappy players on the little league team.

We were all delighted to hear that Suave Porn would be playing an additional show at The Joint on New Year’s Day, since the original gig is sold out. What a relief! Now I won’t have to kill my neighbor to get his tickets to the New Year’s Eve show. Also, we learned that the House Band will be opening with the ghosts of Rock Star past. Darn tootin’, I’d be willing to pay double for that kind of show, which is good because they’re already charging double, from what I’ve seen.

Magni took the stage next. He began his set with Back In The USSR by The Beatles. Do not fear, dear audience, there is no danger of Magni falling off the stage, as Suave Porn would like him to do. He follows the same path, up and down the runway (I think he’s on a trolley track), subtly eliciting emotion only by his careful man handling of the mic stand and performing his signature two-handed mic grab. Magni strolled over to Rafael to watch his guitar solo. He looked like a politician being forced to watch the Ladies Auxiliary Kazoo Jamboree as part as his campaigning, especially when he peeked to the audience with his, “would ya get a load of this” facial expression. Magni transitioned to his original with the clichéd “Are We Having Fun?” to the crowd. He explained that he had freshly translated the lyrics from Icelandic into English, and we should ignore the references to fish spleen ascensions, because there is no English word that translates literally to it. Magni’s original song is called When the Time Comes, and it rocks, especially after hearing Dilana’s bio-song about pushing back her cuticles. Magni has the voice to support Suave Porn, but he does not have the attitude and stage presence. That will be his bane, unless Suave Porn thinks they can keep him permanently drunk. Dave dug the riff and Magni’s aggressive vocals. Tlee questioned Magni’s duplicated approach to both songs. Magni claimed that the he performed both the songs, and all songs sound the same in Iceland. Gibly wanted him to bring it a little more and fall off the stage.

As Brooke announced Storm to the stage, Dave, surprised to hear that Storm would be singing Suffragette City by David Bowie, interrupted Brooke to ask Storm if he could rock with her. She said, “Sure Dave, sit your ass down behind the glockenspiel and rock your heart out.” Storm was dressed in a black French spy outfit which was in stark contrast to Dave’s white guitar and glowing aura, coupled with the blatant difference in the height of Storm compared to Dave, and confounded by the traditional leadership roles between men and women being recalibrated by their interaction, created a dichotomic dynamic which was not actually reflected in their performance, so I shouldn’t have even brought it up. Storm used this song as a helicopter launching pad to eventually reveal a truer version of the real Storm in her original. Although, her plan was almost foiled because Dave was playing in the wrong key. It wasn’t his fault. This was his first time manning the glockenspiel. To keep things rolling between songs, Storm chose to pray to the good lord almighty (Mark Burnett) and strip down to her under shirt. Her song was called, Ladylike, but it was actually called What the F*ck is Ladylike, but actually sung as What the What is Ladylike. So, if you were confused about what exactly is ladylike before hearing this song, there is no way in hell you know what it is now. I know I don’t. This was as close to seeing the real Storm Large as I’ve seen on this show, based on the videos of what I’ve seen of her solo work. Storm gave Suave Porn a good dose of what they’d be getting if they hired her. I don’t think Suave Porn could handle it. She would take over, relegating them to and the Heartbreakers status. Dave gave Storm the utmost compliment of being on the same level as Perry Ferrell. He also claimed it was his favorite original ever performed in the decade spanning history of Rock Star. Tlee boasted that her track was vvvvvvvhhhhhvhvhhvhvh. Gibly busted his balls and said the same gibberish. Nice one, Gibly. They cut whatever philosophical blather Jason offered. On the way to commercial, Storm kissed Brooke full on the lips and said, “See, if you stuck to this kind of stuff, you wouldn’t have to be wearing that horrible vertically striped top to disguise your growing motherly paunch.”

Lukas, wearing an outfit from the Beetlejuice collection from Sears, revised the crap out of Livin’ On a Prayer by Bon Jovi. I mean that literally. He took the crap right out of that song, turning it into something audibly bearable. However, I was not sure what song he was singing until he got to the chorus, because of his garbled groaning in the first verse. He instilled a mood diametrically opposed to the cheerful optimism Jon Bon Jovi used to try to trick girls into sleeping with him. Like his cherubic good looks and fantastically teased hair was not enough. As for Lukas, he is trying to trick girls into thinking he’s got a giant bag of heroin in the back seat of his car. Maybe he does. Whatever it takes, right ladies? No matter, he improved a hackneyed song. Speaking of hackneyed, Lukas asked the audience how everybody was doing out there as part of his transition to his original song. I heard one guy yell, “pretty good, how about you.” Lukas created the best flow of the night from his cover song to his original. Headspin, Lukas’s original, which is a song of hate about his mother, began in a similar tempo as his harnessed Livin’ On a Prayer, and built slowly from there until he was writhing on a couch in the fetal position sucking on his thumb while Jason took notes asking him how does that make you feel. Lukas must have found the bag of angst Ryan forgot to pack before he left the mansion. I can’t say that I liked this song. Well, I could say it, but I would be lying, and the last thing I want to do is make stuff up. I did enjoy the dainty background singing by the House Band. Also, it was fun watching Sasha spit hot soup all over Nate. Dave dug the emotion. Tlee wasn’t sure how he felt so he asked the audience if they liked it. The applause sign eventually went on, so the audience liked it accordingly. Gibly finds inspiration in Lukas’ hate for his mother. Jason must have bombasticated some more philosophical hoo-hah, since his thoughts were stricken from the record.

Toby closed out the show with his set that began with Mr. Brightside by The Killers. Short glimpse: better than The Killers, not as good as Marty’s from last year. Magni should pay attention to Toby on the stage. He is chock full of energy and emits it all over the place, without sacrificing his vocal strength. I could do without the pseudo-rap romping, but I guess that is what’s in now, and I’m a fogey. At one point, Toby flashed my old gang’s symbol, so I went out to the corner and shot an old guy that would not admit being in a rival gang. Toby prefaced his original by asking if anyone ever feels like they’re not in their own skin, especially after a weekend of heavy drinking. The bad guy from Silence of the Lambs raised his hand. Toby looked at him and said, “Well, this one’s for you and for your pit in the basement, weirdo V-boy.” Toby performed Throw It Away as a message to all young people that you will not be held responsible for all the stupid things you do when you’re drunk as long as you throw it away, where “it” is any dead bodies, used prophylactics, evidence of any wrong-doing or general memories of acting like a dope that were the result of your intoxication. I will use this song to train my children as then enter pre-adulthood. As usual, Toby was all over the room during his performance. He works the crowd well and demands the folks have a good time. I could even see Brooke’s fetus tapping its yolk sac though her tummy. On his jaunt, Toby spent much time on the Suave Porn perch. Tlee couldn’t handle seeing Toby’s tight little Australian ass wiggling in front of him for too long. Eventually, Tlee tried to grab Toby’s tush. Toby directed Nigel to perform a drum solo while he went to Human Resources to file a sexual harassment complaint. He soon returned and finished the song by molesting all of the rockers in the Al Roker den. Toby rendered his song an anthem with his repeated rhythmic “Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh’s”. The crowd loved to sing along at home, and Suave Porn took notice. Dave declared it instantaneously memorable. What is? The song. What song? I don’t remember. Tlee thought it was bad bleepin’ “S”. You thought it was bad. No, good. But you said bad. I meant bad meaning good. Oh, good. No, bad. What? Gibly likes the way he puts the fun in rock and roll. Until now, rock and roll has been all about doldrums. Jason enjoyed the way Toby embraces people, but stay away from his daughter. Toby is the love child of the recently departed Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin and Billy Idol, in case you were wondering.

In and effort to squash my marketing of the Bird Ass Beans term to represent the early bottom three in the voting, the producers decided to give a full rundown of the early voting ranks of all rockers. Those bastards! The prompt voters put the rockers in the following order: Toby, Lukas, Magni, Storm and Dilana. This would indicate that the Bird Ass Beans (so there!), derived from this list, are Magni, Storm and Dilana. Personally, I would take Storm out (to a local dive bar and then maybe hit Wendy’s on the way home because they’re open late, but if it’s too late, we’d go to either White Castles or Burritoland), and put in Magni. Storm is my new favorite. I think Dilana’s reign of terror will soon be over.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Rock Star - Sept 5 - Sid

Even hot chicks make tragic fashion decisions once in a while. But my girlfriend Brooke made an ice cream and pickle decision standing in front of her closet tonight. It was that bad. She looked like a wedding present. I’m sure the gals at Rock Star: A Fashion Tragedy would be happy to help. Just pick up the phone. They’re always home. Just dial 36 24 36 – hey!

Brooke also told the rockers that they shouldn’t worry about getting sacked, since Ryan has taken over the #1 spot on MSN since leaving. And if a dillhole like him can do it…. However, Brooke failed to mention that Ryan’s only competition on MSN is the 4th grade chorus from Grant Avenue Elementary School and some B-sides from Miami Sound Machine.

OK, now, you weren’t really expecting me to give you a recap of the recap were you? That would be especially dumb since all you really have to do is scroll down now to our earlier posts. You know how to scroll, don’t you? You just put your lips together and blow.

Behind Blue Eyes – Man, if someone can’t handle a reality show without getting hurt, how do they expect her to handle a world tour? And during rehearsal? How do you tear a friggin’ calf muscle during a reality show rehearsal? I say if you don’t understand the importance of stretching, then you shouldn’t be rewarded with some goon to carry you around. You should have to suffer the deserved humiliation of having to wheel your sorry excuse for a rock star ass out there yourself. The only star that deserves to be carried around is Shania Twain. But that won’t happen because she’s smart enough to properly warm up and stretch. Those Canadians are smart cookies,
So I was ready to watch Dilana crash and burn on this one, and the ominous church music was sufficiently annoying, but I found myself unwillingly captivated by her higher register in the same way I’m strangely attracted to those female cats that Pepe Le Pew is always courting in those Loony Toon cartoons. I think she had the nicotine scraped from her larynx this week and it was rather refreshing.

Supersoul – Dilana was busier than a one-legged Indian in a butt-kicking contest on this one. I didn’t think the song was that bad, but I kept wishing I could hear someone else sing it. Like Beth Hart. That’s not a good sign. Like the time I asked a girl to dance and she asked, “With who?”

Brooke interrupted the showgram to break the news that the Suave Porn’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve show is sold out, so if you don’t have your ticket then you might as well just stay home with a box of pizza rolls and a puppy jigsaw puzzle, loser. However, there is a New Year’s Day show just added, and I’m sure the Suave Porn will be feeling really good for that performance. She also said something about the house band, but I was distracted by TLee’s ensemble of soccer mom capri pants, his Michael Jackson inspired military jacket and a t-shirt purchased with his Marlboro bucks.

Back in the USSR –So far so good. A whole week and he hasn’t been covered in his own or another contestant’s blood. However, I thought he looked a little bloated, like the week before his period. Maybe that’s how it works in Iceland. Vocally I thought he was great, but he looked more like he was at Banana Joe’s karaoke night than auditioning for Suave Porn.

When The Time Comes – Magni explained he had just finished translating the lyrics from Icelandic to English, which explains why nothing rhymed. His original reminded of the stuff I listened to in the very early 80’s – the totally forgettable period between the legendary arena rockers of the 70’s and the hair metal of the later 80’s. Stuff like, uh, hmmm, you know.

Suffragette City – OK, so I’ve already confessed that I so wish I were cool enough to hang out with Storm. But after watching her in her Inspector Gadget get-up and telling Dave to get his ass up on stage and then commandeering the house band, not only do I want to hang out with her but now I want to be one of her Balls.

Ladylike – Excuse my language, but fuck yeah! It’s about time. The restraint exhibited in this song left me aching for more. TLee restraining himself from running up there to hump Storm’s leg and Storm restraining herself from flipping a vocal bird to the CBS censors with the original lyrics. I was so ready for her to just Hulk Hogan that t-shirt right off. By the time she gave Brooke that little kiss at the end, Mrs. F’er pretty much hit me with a bucket of ice water and the evil eye.
Dave declared it the best original song in Rock Star history and Jason was about to record it in the official journal, but then discovered that Dave had forgotten about Deanna’s original My Truth.


Livin’ On A Prayer – I just realized I don’t think I’ve ever know anyone that has gone to a Bon Jovi concert.. And that makes me feel pretty good about myself. I dated a girl once that had a Backstreet Boys ticket stub in one of her scrapbooks. Kind of had mixed feelings on that one. It was like, hey, she likes the Backstreet Boys and I still made the cut, but on the other hand, she likes the firggin’ Backstreet Boys. As the great philosopher Luksas Rossi once said, “I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.” Or maybe it was Groucho Marx. I get them confused. But I hope that story successfully diverted your attention since I dozed off during this performance and have nothing to report.

Headspin - His whole set was like that part of every concert where you go take a leak, get another beer, and hit on the promotions interns at the local radio station booth. When it came time for TLee to evaluate Lukas, it was clear that he was still thinking about humping Storm and had to ask the audience what they thought. Gibly was inspired and immediately went out to start a paper route, while everyone had already forgotten that Jason was still in Suave Porn.

Mr. Brightside – Two words: Robot Toby. It was as if Storm had unscrewed the panel on Toby’s back, Magni inserted the Killers chip, Lukas had a beer, and Dilana pouted.

Throw It Away – I wasn’t as blown away by this song as it seems everyone else was, but I was fascinated by what the song inspired. TLee was inspired to tickle Toby’s ass as if it were a toddler’s tummy, and then Toby’s fellow rockers all felt inspired to deliver a spanking when he joined them in the rocker den. Even Brooke gave him a gentle butt rub while giving us the numbers to call to vote for him. Very strange, but EVS.

The early bottom three: Magni, Storm, Dilana

Sid’s bottom three rockers: Magni, Lukas, Dilana with Magni going home.

Sid’s bottom three pizza toppings: Pepperoni – a classic, but just seems to make everything a little too greasy. Green Olives – they only belong in martinis. Tomato – you already have tomato sauce, so it just seems redundant.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Rock Star - Mansion Show - Sid

Previously, on Rock Star: Suave Porn…..

You never see Brooke on the mansion show, only hear her voice. Kind of like phone sex. You imagine what she’s wearing and abuse yourself to occupy time while they show the first of approximately 37 recaps for the week. But I digress.

As usual, the remaining rockers toast Ryan, talk about his amazing songwriting, his amazing performances, his amazing talent, his amazing keyboard skills, his amazing hoodies, his amazing insights, and then remind each other how friggin’ amazing they must be if he’s gone and they’re still around.

Except for Dilana, who wallows in self-pity after proclaiming her bottom three performance “the worst of her life”, although I might have voted for the naked run around the pool a couple weeks ago. Get back in the vampire costume and go back to the darkside.

Since Toby got the encore and Ryan was not around to return the traditional cake to the face tribute, Magni handled the duties. He didn’t seem very committed, but it was enough to provoke the obligatory food fight that the producers had scheduled for this week. In fact, none of the rockers seemed very committed to the food fight. The producers were so unimpressed they decided to scrap the group shower scene and just told them to jump in the goddam pool to clean off. Storm must have been wearing a water soluble shirt because it seemed to have disappeared during the pool scene, thus giving the blurry dot guy on the production crew some work to do. Afterwards, they sat around the pool, except for Lukas who ran upstairs to re-apply his make-up. If the rockers ever ended up on Survivor and were divided up by season one and season two, my money would so be on the INXS rockers.

Life is a constant clinic, as we all know from Lukas, and this week was no exception. The rockers got yet another new track from Suave Porn, and they all agreed that this one rocked like no other track they have ever heard. Dilana thought it was dark and dirty, Toby said “EVS” to try and be cool but the excitement in his eyes said otherwise, Magni nodded his naked noggin knowingly, Lukas wrote a verse and chorus before the track was even over, and Storm humped a sub-woofer.

The next day they woke up to their Bose Wave Clock Radios from Sharper Image, showered with some Passion Fruit Shower Gel courtesy of The Body Shop, had a bowl of Post Raisin Bran cereal for the regular rock star, and then piled into the Honda Ridgelines for a ride to Gibson and some one-on-one song writing with Gibly. Apparently TLee and Jason were busy in a beach volleyball tournament or something.

First up, Storm and her song Maniac Nightlife. Gibly seemed to enjoy working with Storm, but probably because she smells a lot nicer than Axl used to. Probably due to the Passion Fruit Shower Gel, available at The Body Shop. Storm said that chemistry was incredibly important and thought that they should just give the gig to Phil.

Magni was next and thought he might be at a disadvantage since English is not his native language. It doesn’t appear to be TLee’s native language, either, but that hasn’t stopped him. I say that if you can find a rhyme for hryggur in Icelandic then English should be a breeze. Apparently not. Gibly thought it sucked and scheduled Magni for a remedial English as a second language clinic with Klaus Meine, and sent along a gift basket with some Passion Fruit Shower Gel from The Body Shop. Klaus can’t get enough of the stuff, and few people know that the reason Michael Schenker got kicked out of the Scorpions was for constantly borrowing Klaus' gel.

Lukas brought along the verse and chorus, dropped it off for Gibly, said he was going out for a beer, and asked that Gibly call him on his cell phone when he had it finished.

Gibly spoke so highly of Toby’s talent, freshness, energy and rock star good looks that it made me a tad uncomfortable. Especially when he asked Toby if he liked chess and invited him to take a ride on the back of his bike back to his place for a quiet evening.

Dilana thought she had a hit single with her Metamorphosis lyrics, but Gibly found the story of a guitar player waking up one day as monstrous verminous bug very cliché. She tried to change it by adding the words “rock n’ roll” to each line, but Gibly wasn’t buying it. She was given a bottle Passion Fruit Shower Gel from The Body Shop as a parting gift, while Toby and Gibly rode off into the sunset.

To wrap up the clinic, Gibly said, “If you’re not bringing anything, what the hell do I need you for?” Poor Jason started packing his bags, thinking he had just been kicked out of Suave Porn.

Song Selection

Toby discovers the songboard containing five covers and a letter indicating each rocker would do a set of one cover and one original and also have to make sure that the paid audience members don’t fall asleep between songs.

The big debate this week is the fight over Behind Blue Eyes, which is coveted by both Lukas and Dilana. So Magni, in his evil Icelandic ways, dares Lukas to take Living on a Prayer, since anyone that can make that song cool is definitely Suave Porn material. Lukas falls for it, we assume Dilana gets Behind Blue Eyes, and Storm gets bonus points for her great TLee “Can you say ‘rock star’” imitation. I so wish I was cool enough to hang out with Storm Large.

In rehearsal, we get to see Storm preview her original tune What the Fuck is Lady Like. She says she’s tired of trying to impress Suave Porn by trying to wear less clothes and will instead try to impress them by finally showing them what she can do vocally. What a novel approach. Especially since the preview of the song indicates that we will finally see her do something cool. Way cool. For the first time since Marty Casey got Hit Me Baby One More Time, I’m actually looking forward to a performance.

In the meantime, Dilana admits that even though she fought for it so hard, she is not really familiar with Behind Blue Eyes and seems to believe it is a country tune done by that classic old cowpoke Wild Pete Townsend. The band snickers at her to her face, calls her a dumbass behind her back, and will likely hit themselves in the head with hammers after Suave Porn tells her how great she is.

The epilogue consists of the rockers participating in an imaginary game of double dutch jump rope, and I’m starting to miss Brandon Calhoun and his damn Lynyrd Skynyrd sing-a-longs.