Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Rock Star Sucks - How Could They Do That To Dear Sweet Innocent Little Storm by Moist Rub

Oh, where should I start? How about the end? They launched Storm. I officially blog under protest from here on out.

Not that any of the rest of this crap matters, since they got rid of Storm tonight, but here is what happened. Dave congratulated Brooke for getting knocked up. Brooke told us she is having another girl. Dave appreciates the possibility of having another little Brooke Burke in the world. We are all very happy for her. How does that help Storm? It doesn’t. We move on.

How could they get rid of Storm? Obviously, she was the best and most unique performer. She had the most to offer Suave Porn and what did that get her? A swift kick in the ass. That’s what. She intimidates them. That’s what it is. Fine. Good luck to you, dumb ass Suave Porn. Here is your future should you choose any one of the remaining “rockers”.

Magni – they’ll get one short-lived quasi-hit out of him. He’ll trick them into signing him to a lifetime contract. After the quasi-hit dies out in a matter of weeks and Pauly Shore won’t even return their phone calls, they’ll move to Iceland, move into a volcano, sell Magni’s wife for bier money and vow to raise Magni’s son together. An Icelandic television producer will hear about their living situation and create a reality sit com show called Minn Fjórir Viðmótsþýður Klám Faðir. The volcano will erupt in the third season encasing them all in Pompeii-like tombs. Then we’ll mock them in museums throughout the world.

Lukas – after spending months upon months in the studio and only being able to record one verse and the chorus of each song, Tlee downs a giant bag of lysergic acid diethylamide, finds a magic furry frog and teaches it to sing. He fools the rest of Suave Porn into thinking the frog is Lukas by painting a white stripe down its fur and by applying gobs of disoriented eye make-up to its face. Lukas is out roaming the halls of the studio checking out what Men Without Hats are doing with their comeback album when Suave Porn finishes recording. Suave Porn, led by the magic furry frog, heads out on tour, which, along with the album, is fabulously successful. They reach the ultimate heights of rock super stardom when PETA finally catches up with them and douses them with carbolic acid for Lukasifying a perfectly innocent magic furry frog. Suave Porn corrodes into withered skeletons (which would have happened naturally in about seven years, anyway), while Lukas tries to remember which reality show he won. The magic furry frog goes on to become the spokesamphibian for Mentos.

Dilana – before they can even begin rehearsals, Dilana complains to the press that Tlee doesn’t eat all of his vegetables, Gibly sleeps with his shoes on and Jason likes to spit into the air and catch it back in his mouth. She refuses to sing the lyrics written by the band because they have nothing to do with her. Without informing Dilana, Suave Porn decides to record an instrumental album and lets Dilana sing her egocentric lyrics into an unplugged microphone. On the way to their first gig in Vegas, they shove her out of the limo window into a canyon. The Suave Porn boys all return to their old bands where they belong. Dilana tears her other calf muscle on the fall down the canyon. The cacti she lands on think she’s a hero for enduring such pain and asks her to join their band. She agrees and they do a few shows at garage sales in Encino.

Toby – Toby’s presence in the band attracts a lot of young hot chicks. They have a successful album and tour and make a lot of money.

OK, maybe Toby will work out.

Maybe.

I’m still disenchanted with this show, however.

They gave Magni the opportunity to front the Suave Porn. To tame his fierce stage show, they hid him behind a large, cumbersome acoustic guitar. The name of Suave Porn’s new hit single is It’s All Love, which is an homage to Courney Love’s basketball career. Or, maybe that was Bob Love. Magni spent most of the time singing to the stage floor since the stage floor demographic buys most of the albums in Iceland. When he rid himself of the guitar to crank it up a notch (effectively using the roadie slave labor, I might add), he tried to stumble walk over to interact with Gibly and Jason. They ignored him like a stomping horse at an abacus convention. They were busy concentrating on the notes. Note concentration is often overlooked in rock and roll. These boys should be commended, but they won’t be by me because they hurt poor Storm.

Good news. At least I thought it was good news until I learned that Storm would no longer be on the show. Now, I couldn’t give a pig flying coital feat. Suave Porn added Dave and his channel of panic to the tour bill. Yip-fricken-pee.

Toby was awarded the encore for his Oh Oh Oh song. He also won a tricked out Honda Element. By tricked out, they mean it’s got enough gas in it to make it to the nearest gas station to fill up. Toby dedicated the song to the master of the stingray, Steve Irwin - The Crocodile Hunter. His death is tragic, especially when you consider he left a young daughter behind and was beloved by many people, but at least he didn’t have to live to see the day when Storm WOULD BE OUSTED BY SUAVE PORN! Toby’s encore was no different than his regular core last night. Brooke gave Toby the keys to the Element after his performance. He ate them because he thought they were barbecued dingo teeth (a delicacy in Australia).

Everybody made it to Danger Island this week. Storm should have never been there. What kinds of communists are voting out there? Juggling communists? Fire breathing communists?

It pained Brooke to announce Storm’s name as the first contestant in the bottom three. There was magic in the full lipped, and a little bit of tongue, kiss they shared on yesterday’s show. Magic not unlike that a magic furry frog may wield. Storm chose from Marty’s arsenal to defend herself as she fought the bottom three dragon with Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd. She was fabulous. One would think she could never be asked to leave the show after such an immaculate performance. It makes me question my most deeply held beliefs, such as my belief that truck tires grow from telephone poles. She made everybody cry. She made Lukas’s make up run, by golly! That was for you, Mom of Storm. I guess Suave Porn hates Storm’s mom. Nice. Real nice.

Next up, Delino Deshields. His career batting average was .268 and he hit 80 home runs. I can see why he got a sex change and changed his name to Dilana. She propelled herself onto the stage using her newly bought Chia crutches. What a trooper. Nobody in the history of the universe has ever dealt with such pain and has been able to perform with such dorky hoppability. Had this tragedy happened to Storm, she would have bit Tlee’s leg off and stapled it to her hip in order to provide a crutchless, whineyless, self-pityless performance for the masses. But I guess that kind of courage makes no difference to Suave Porn. Dilana wanted to sing a punk song. When I think punk song, I invariably think of the poppy, yet a little cheesy, but well likable, I Want You To Want Me by Cheap Trick. Who doesn’t? If she wanted to sing a Cheap Trick punk song, she should have at least opted for He’s a Whore. But, what do I know; I’m just a blogger with two perfectly healthy calves. I’ve got no talking points. She tried to punk up the song and make it dastardly, but it didn’t work. Sure, she fooled the audience and the Suave Porn, who gave her a standing ovation, but she didn’t fool me. I did give a standing ovation to her good calf, however.

Magni fell for it. Toby didn’t.

Lukas the doofus (as coined by my son) was the third bottom tonight, because Brooke needed him on stage to ask him for some eye shadow application tips. Lukas and Dilana have very similar voices, only Dilana’s is tinged with more testosterone. Come to think of it, they have a lot in common. For instance, neither one of them are Storm and they are both still on the show, and I’m bored with both of their acts. Lukas felt the need for more catharsis tonight, so he tortured us with his bi-polar Headspin, once again. As usual, his performance consisted of disc-slipping, rib-breaking body contortions and his coughing-up-a-lung singing style. Dean Martin used to do the same kind of thing until he saw Jerry Lewis doing it and realized how stupid it looked.

Gibly mailed in his wrap up. He cursed the two women for recurring themselves in the bottom three and set the doofus back to the rocker den since it was only his first offense. Tlee forgot to take his viagra and was not able to perform his Tleehawk duties. He granted those duties to Jason, who was not interested in sleeping with Storm, as Tlee was, so he had no problem giving her the big bus ticket. He even told her to sleep in her own bed, when he knows damn well that she’s been sleeping in Magni’s bed all this time.

Storm thanked the fans in the audience, the fans at home (me, in particular) and her freak family of rockers. They must have omitted her thanking Suave Porn. Or did she? We may never know. We may never care. Dave gave Storm the around the world tongue bath of her life. I like Dave. He’s got a good head on his shoulders. In fact, I may buy an extremely overpriced ticket to their tour stop in Chicago, watch the House Band featuring the crappy rockers and enjoy Dave and his band, and then go home, just to piss off Suave Porn. And they’ll know that I left, I guarantee it. I will leave them an acerbic note on the windshield of their jet. And, I’ll buy one of their t-shirts from the parking lot guy instead of one of their authorized vendors. That’ll show them.


Who cares? Storm is gone and I hate everybody.

24 comments:

Leper Hopeful said...

Fabulous Moist.
The magic frog thing was...I'm speechless.

Some favorite lines:
They ignored him like a stomping horse at an abacus convention.
Yip-fricken-pee.
I’m just a blogger with two perfectly healthy calves.


Lukas the doofus (as coined by my son)
From what I've seen so far Rub Son should be getting an A in English.

Sid F'er said...

Holy shit. You've outdone yourself. I'm not worthy of sharing this space, dude. Wow.

Kristy said...

"The cacti she lands on think she’s a hero for enduring such pain and asks her to join their band. She agrees and they do a few shows at garage sales in Encino."

Hate to see the eyelashes she comes up with for this gig.

AMAI said...

Your anguish at Storm's departure is appreciated and will not soon be forgotten.

The review of "what lays ahead" was amusing, but what really made me laugh was this bit:

Toby dedicated the song to the master of the stingray, Steve Irwin - The Crocodile Hunter. His death is tragic, especially when you consider he left a young daughter behind and was beloved by many people, but at least he didn’t have to live to see the day when Storm WOULD BE OUSTED BY SUAVE PORN!

Thanks, Moist. GREAT blog.

Anonymous said...

Hi Moist. Long time reader, first time commenter. Love your work. Superfuckers should be shot for losing Storm. If Toby doesn't win I will burn my Tommyland, Black, and Use Your Illusion albums and bash myself over the head until i get amnesia so that I can't remember who or what the hell supernova is, was or could have been with Storm.
Yes I am an Aussie, but Storm was my favourite.Toby didn't get interesting until he did the naked run thing. By the way, I have lived in this country all my life and I have never ever heard anyone use the expression 'EVS'. I think Toby made it up so he could look cool - what a fuckwit.
Keep on bloggin'

del said...

Moist, Moist, Moist. I feel your pain. Well, not really. I liked Storm, but didn't think she was the best fit. But I can understand and empathize. But if your pain produces such amazing blogs, then I say, "Turf her baby, turf her fast and hard, so we may benefit from the fruits of Moist's pain!"

And I know you did your best to keep her around. I know you stayed up all Tuesday night voting for Storm until your mouse hand was sore and cramped. At least you said it was caused by voting....

HR said...

Oh, Moist, you'll get through this. Patrice left you, and it was tough for those first two weeks, but you moved on. And now Storm. She's downloadable, though, so you never have to lose her, really.

Spokesamphibian for Mentos. Heh-heh.

HR said...

I just used an online translator for your Icelandic. :P

keysunset said...

I’m still disenchanted with this show, however. Amen, brother Moist, amen!

I'm stunned that they ditched Storm. I don't think she would have been "roit" for the band, but she should have been kept on for the final show.

Excellent, excellent post, dear.

p.s. Rub Son rocks!

bibi said...

Get ahold of yourself, man! (Maybe not?)

How about: Sorry to hear you are under the weather? (Too lame?)

StormTemptress will live to tempt another day.

I hear Troy McClure (Simpson's) voice saying, "Hi, I'm Storm Large. You may remember me from such movies as: "Ann Margaret: The Bye Bye Birdie Years" and "10, A Musical Odyssey."

Feel better.

PS--I don't think it's Jason's job to tell Stormy in which bed to sleep, do you?

AMAI said...

By the way, I have lived in this country all my life and I have never ever heard anyone use the expression 'EVS'. I think Toby made it up so he could look cool - what a fuckwit
Dear Anon, are you in Sydney? Or in some part of the country that is NOT Melbourne? Toyboy said it was a Melbourne expression.

In other news, it's great to hear someone say "fuckwit" again. Been too many years for me. It's just not an everyday expression in this hemisphere, and I miss hearing it on a regular basis.

Del! I voted for Storm until my eyes closed. Why didn't it work?

HR, thanks for reminding me that my new computer has a translator. I can't wait to plug in that expression.

Bibi, I love your Troy McClure bit! And as far as this, "I don't think it's Jason's job to tell Stormy in which bed to sleep, do you?" I think Jason was tired of sharing Tlee's bed with Storm AND Dave. ;)

Hi, Moist - does it feel like Leper House in here?

dagny said...

Testing. Tried responding last night, but no go.

dagny said...

Hey! It worked! I kept trying to register and got back that the name was taken. By myself, I guess. I was already registered. (Bangs head on counter.)

MR, this was a brilliant piece of writing and funny as hell. I wrote much more last night, but lost the post. Sorry. No time to redo.

Aunt Nina said...

I like how you described Storm - sweet, innocent, AND little.... good one.

bibi said...

Re: Miss Stormy -- I hope she sticks around Hollywoodland and tries to land some acting jobs. I mean, if they are not already been offered to her. Acting/
singing whatever. She's such a knockout. Why limit herself to R&R?

Betty said...

Had this tragedy happened to Storm, she would have bit Tlee’s leg off and stapled it to her hip in order to provide a crutchless, whineyless, self-pityless performance for the masses.

Wow – So incisive, and so true. That Storm really is a trouper… Is there nothing that she can’t or wouldn’t do?

In a single sentence, Storm has supplanted Brian Boitano as the standard by which all of life’s questions can be answered. Surely that counts for something…


His death is tragic, especially when you consider he left a young daughter behind and was beloved by many people, but at least he didn’t have to live to see the day when Storm WOULD BE OUSTED BY SUAVE PORN!

If it hadn’t been for this, I would have bought into the apathy, hatred, and despair routine. You silly… Way to keep your sunny side up (it’s not wrong – I think it falls under the ten second rule) ! Thanks – not only for the laugh, but for making me feel better about the passing of Dean Martin as well.


BTW, how’d the voting to bring back your favorite rocker go? Do you think you and Sid were able to type faster than Ryan?

Big Blue said...

Anomymus/Amai,

sorry to tell you that Toby didn't make up "EVS".

There are references on Urban Dictionary that go back to 2003 ( http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=evs), and it sounds like a teenager/slacker/surfer/chatroom term, so it caters to perfectly Toby's audience.

And according to the same Website (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fuckwit), Dilana might be the real fuckwit. Toby would be a 'cheesemo' or a 'scenester'.

But don't take my word for it, I'm a doofus myself...

Anonymous said...

"Betty said...
Had this tragedy happened to Storm, she would have bit Tlee’s leg off and stapled it to her hip in order to provide a crutchless, whineyless, self-pityless performance for the masses.

Wow – So incisive, and so true. That Storm really is a trouper… Is there nothing that she can’t or wouldn’t do?

In a single sentence, Storm has supplanted Brian Boitano as the standard by which all of life’s questions can be answered. Surely that counts for something…"


Too funny! I think Storm was on the wrong show, she should have been on "So you want to be a SuperHero"! Think of what Dark Horse Comics could do with her!!!

ajsmith said...

Great job. You hit the note exactly. None of Storm's fans and friends out here in Portland wanted her stuck with those fuckwits (hey, you're right, that even feels good to write) - but we were all shocked and saddened that she didn't make it to the final show.

She did seem a bit fed up with the whole thing by the end though. Imagine having to spend all these weeks trying to impress and make nice to a "band" whose members aren't talented enough to open for you. Hey, that sounds just like a real job. Welcome to the exciting world of us mortals, Stormy.

Having seen her live countless times, well, let's just say the girl is a singular talent. If Suave Porn is lucky, she might give them a shout out in her liner notes someday.

The stomping horse line was fucking off the charts, dude.

I don't think I can even watch the final. Fuckwits.

Anonymous said...

Well, I have to admit, I'm a Moist Rub virgin, and you are not gentle. You condensed all my feelings - ridicule of the Supernovices and anger towards Storm leaving - into one sexy package.

My panties went poof. Damn you.

AMAI said...

Hi Big Blue, I for one didn't mean to imply that Toyboy made up the expression. I said that he said it was a Melbourne expression. Maybe someone in Melbourne DID make it up. But thanks for researching the Urban Dictionary!!

AJSmith, you gotta watch the finale! Come over to the Leper House if you need someone to hold your hand. (See the Links to find your way there.) We can curse the Fuckwits together. Plus, the latest Mansion Episode Recap (by me) is now posted, with lotsa pictures. :)

mary blackchurch said...

Well that was excellent reading..I too am going through Storm Large detox this week..much harder than kicking heroin. And I would know.

She really was intoxicatingly intimidating..zooooper talent of a woman..and agree with Navaro's comment they may al eventually be her back-up band., (if she'll have them).

I'll miss her in the Rockstar context..but have much more than a gut feeling she'll be rocking to her own drummer here pretty soon. Oh yeeea.

So keep up the insightfull and humorus commentary svp..you've got it covered.

Now if only Rossi can find Da-mana's testosterone stash.

Anonymous said...

http://www.badgirlsfight.com/wrestlers/

Jamie said...

I think Storm was on the wrong show, she should have been on "So you want to be a SuperHero"! Think of what Dark Horse Comics could do with her!!!

DHC is still in Portland, too, right? Or was that an intentional cross-reference? (I lived in Portland myself until 3 years ago; in fact I only left when I heard a large storm was coming. Perhaps I misunderstood.)