Tonight, Brooke wore a menacing dark suit with a blood red power tie. As she sat behind a desk with her hands folded, she announced that the safety of America depends on the outcome of the battle on the stage of Rock Star. If Suave Porn chooses the wrong rocker, the terrorists win. Wait, maybe that was President Bush last night in his pull-the-wool address that interrupted our football, and it was the battle in the streets of Baghdad, instead of on the stage of Rock Star. Either way, it was one of the stupidest lines I’ve ever heard. That crazy President Bush and his presidential addresses – he’s the original reality show darling, appearing on one of the scariest reality shows I’ve ever seen. Even worse than Enemas With B-List Celebrities You Recognize But Can't Recall Their Names.
There was a lot of hand made signs displayed in the audience tonight, each praising the bearer’s favorite rocker. I saw one for Tlee that said “My Dad Love’s Tommy Lee”. On the back of it was written, “In the Worst and Most Painful Way.” That sign was held by Gibly’s daughter. When Tlee saw it, he moved his chair closer to Gibly’s and did the yawn/put-your-arm-around move. Another sign said, “I’m Paula Abdul and I have no idea where I am.”
Brooke was feeling a little tired from being gravid, so she turned over the announcing reigns to Dilana to announce the winner of the Rock Star loser vote. Yes, the winner was Ryan Star. Yes, when I said “loser” in the prior sentence, I was referring to the people who voted for Ryan. But I don’t think the votes mattered, so no offense to you losers out there. Apparently, Ryan has an album called Dark Horse already on sale on line. Mark Burnett owns eighty percent of it, so the “voters voted” for Ryan to come back and sing to us about his only chance of getting laid – global thermal nuclear war. Hey, it worked for Matthew Broderick in The Producers. Ryan’s song is called Back of Your Car, but is also known as Armageddon to Get Some. His desperation to get his pee-pee dipped is pretty evident in that he’s asking his partner to take off her clothes in the first line. What, no romance? Not even a “your eyes look so beautiful when reflecting the atomic blast in the distance”? If you have to ask your partner to take off xe’s clothes, you’re trying too hard. I know this to be true because Dr. Phil told me so in a dream. And then I braided his back hair. To get Ryan to come back to his stage of shame, they bribed him with a repossessed Honda CRV, complete with a chocolate phone that he immediately used to make wireless s’mores.
Next we took a recap ride on each amazing rockers’ amazing roller coaster amazing journey through their amazing rock star experience. It was nothing short of amazing.
Toby began the rocking, performing to a sea of EVS signs, with Karma Police by Radiohead. He wore his best cop sunglasses to reinforce the law enforcement motif of the song. Toby had just come back from working out and still wore his weight lifting gloves. This was his personal statement about police brutality. None of us know which side of the issue he is on, however. More importantly, he wore the gloves because he can’t afford to get calluses due to his masturbatory sensitivity issues. This also explains the numerous bottles of aloe in his bedroom. And the oven mitts. And the silly putty. Toby gave us an expected Tobylly awesome version of this song. The only twist he tossed us was that he stayed on the stage for the entire song. I didn’t see that coming. To crank out his original, Throw Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh It All Away, Toby demanded the presence of the man from Iceland on the stage. Since Halldór Ásgrímsson was not in attendance, Magni took his spot and played guitar. This allowed Toby to add a dimension of frivolity to his show. At one point, he appeared to be examining Magni’s scalp for sebaceous cysts, but he was actually writing “EVS” on the back of his skull with a permanent marker. Permanent marker, not one of those Crayola washable ones. They are now considered to be married in some parts of the Australian outback. There is nothing more rock and roll than aboriginal same sex marriages. And what about the pig-footed bandicoot? What, indeed. Magni tried to get back at Toby for marrying him without asking his wife by attempting to bludgeon Toby with his guitar. But it was all in fun, so they had figurative make up sex on stage by playing tandem guitar. Toby was the driver, in case you were wondering. Dave and Suave Porn all loved the Toby show, except that Gibly bitched about something, but nobody listened to him because we were all distracted by Tlee’s tongue in his ear.
Lukas used the Liza Minnelli comb over to groom himself for tonight’s show. It was fabulous. I think he may have used some of her make-up application techniques, too. He probably has the entire Liza self-help DVD collection at home. Lukas likes to shower himself with more dramatic lighting than the other rockers. It exemplifies his histrionic, Jan Brady-like outpouring as he works through his personal demons on the stage. Little does he know that the audience has decided to start charging him $150 per hour for these sessions. Lukas’ cover song tonight was Fix You by Coldplay. I’d like to tell you how he did, but, honestly, I don’t remember it much. It wasn’t much different than all of his other efforts. I do remember he was pointing at everybody a lot. I felt so accused. After a moment or six of dramatic dead air, Lukas let us know that he would be taking Head Spin down a little bit. He took it way down. He chose to solo acoustic at it. His guitar was open tuned in case his hands cramped up from the emotional pain he would experience and he would then be able to play the rest of the song with his feet. Unfortunately, his hands remained pliable. The feet playing would have spiced up the act immensely. This taken down performance enabled us to actually understand some of the lyrics. Once the pain in my temple from trying to make sense of them goes away, I’ll let you know what I think. Dave announced that Paula Abdul was in the audience because she wanted to hear some real singers perform. She was holding another sign: “Will critique nicely for pills”. Dave and Suave Porn proceeded to bathe Lukas in tongue sauce.
Dilana chose to sing Roxanne by The Bacon Patrol because a departed rocker had already performed it, and she wanted to show the world how it should be done. That is quite a challenge Dilana gave herself – singing the same song that another rocker did that was arguably considered the worst performance of the entire season. Way to set the bar high, Dilana. To her credit, she did a fabulous job. I enjoy the tender Dilana more than the braying hellhound Dilana. She pippified the male rockers to sing back up for her. They sounded great, too. Then she ruined everything by singing Soup Or Soul, her original song that dares the listener to choose between eternal existence and an unbelievably delicious crock of lobster bisque. I took the bisque, and I hate seafood. She announced the song by declaring, “This song is not a rebel song, this song is Super Bloody Soulday.” I think she may have borrowed that introduction from somebody else. She went on to say that this song was about letting the bad things go, like this song. So we let it go, as she wandered around the studio, singing to all that would listen, and eventually serenading Suave Porn, with face touching and everything. She even sang a bit to the anesthetized Paula Abdul. I found it interesting that when Dilana did that, she happened to sing, “No way you can hurt me anymore.” Paula must have been stealing Dilana’s face jewelry, mistaking them for Librium pills. Again, Dave and Suave Porn declared their goat fetishes about Dilana.
Magni closed the show by singing Hush by Deep Purple and then his original When the Time Comes. It was a typical Magni performance. Solid, yet uneventful. I like Magni, and I hope he wins, but he won’t. First of all, I never get what I want, so boo hoo for me and for him. Remember when I wanted that new sled for Christmas in the third grade? Remember what I got instead? That’s right, airplane glue. Looking back, I enjoyed the airplane glue more than I would have enjoyed the sled, but that’s not the point. Second of all, Tlee roasted him. He claimed to remember the other three rockers’ songs, but that there was nothing memorable about Magni’s original. I happen to think Magni’s original is pretty good and is definitely closest in style to what I’ve heard of the Suave Porn stuff. Magni retorted, “I don’t hear anybody walking down the street humming any of your crap you guys made us sing over the past few weeks either, scarecrow.” Which is true. Tlee does remind me of a scarecrow. I can’t recall a single melody of any of their songs. And, if I can’t recall one, nobody else can either. That’s a rule I just made up. So, Magni is pretty much out. Unless Tlee is messing with us. But, I doubt it, and I don’t care, because Storm is gone.
The Bird Ass Beans were Magni, Lukas and Toby, with Dilana leading the pack. I’m not sure how it will end up tomorrow. I still can’t figure out how Ryan got to be the resurrected rocker. The human animal confuses me. That is why I spend most of my time with pig-footed bandicoots. I’m not even sure what the plan is for tomorrow’s show. Do they oust the low man on the voting pole from the get-go, and have a dance off between the remaining ones? Or, do they do us a favor and give the gig to the highest vote getter and end the show after two and a half minutes. Again, I don’t care, because Storm is gone. And so is Patrice. And Brooke is knocked up. This season has been very rough on my frail little psyche. I think I need to write a song about Lukas’ mother.