Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Rock Star - We're Almost Done, Thank Xe by Moist Rub

Tonight, Brooke wore a menacing dark suit with a blood red power tie. As she sat behind a desk with her hands folded, she announced that the safety of America depends on the outcome of the battle on the stage of Rock Star. If Suave Porn chooses the wrong rocker, the terrorists win. Wait, maybe that was President Bush last night in his pull-the-wool address that interrupted our football, and it was the battle in the streets of Baghdad, instead of on the stage of Rock Star. Either way, it was one of the stupidest lines I’ve ever heard. That crazy President Bush and his presidential addresses – he’s the original reality show darling, appearing on one of the scariest reality shows I’ve ever seen. Even worse than Enemas With B-List Celebrities You Recognize But Can't Recall Their Names.

There was a lot of hand made signs displayed in the audience tonight, each praising the bearer’s favorite rocker. I saw one for Tlee that said “My Dad Love’s Tommy Lee”. On the back of it was written, “In the Worst and Most Painful Way.” That sign was held by Gibly’s daughter. When Tlee saw it, he moved his chair closer to Gibly’s and did the yawn/put-your-arm-around move. Another sign said, “I’m Paula Abdul and I have no idea where I am.”

Brooke was feeling a little tired from being gravid, so she turned over the announcing reigns to Dilana to announce the winner of the Rock Star loser vote. Yes, the winner was Ryan Star. Yes, when I said “loser” in the prior sentence, I was referring to the people who voted for Ryan. But I don’t think the votes mattered, so no offense to you losers out there. Apparently, Ryan has an album called Dark Horse already on sale on line. Mark Burnett owns eighty percent of it, so the “voters voted” for Ryan to come back and sing to us about his only chance of getting laid – global thermal nuclear war. Hey, it worked for Matthew Broderick in The Producers. Ryan’s song is called Back of Your Car, but is also known as Armageddon to Get Some. His desperation to get his pee-pee dipped is pretty evident in that he’s asking his partner to take off her clothes in the first line. What, no romance? Not even a “your eyes look so beautiful when reflecting the atomic blast in the distance”? If you have to ask your partner to take off xe’s clothes, you’re trying too hard. I know this to be true because Dr. Phil told me so in a dream. And then I braided his back hair. To get Ryan to come back to his stage of shame, they bribed him with a repossessed Honda CRV, complete with a chocolate phone that he immediately used to make wireless s’mores.

Next we took a recap ride on each amazing rockers’ amazing roller coaster amazing journey through their amazing rock star experience. It was nothing short of amazing.

Toby began the rocking, performing to a sea of EVS signs, with Karma Police by Radiohead. He wore his best cop sunglasses to reinforce the law enforcement motif of the song. Toby had just come back from working out and still wore his weight lifting gloves. This was his personal statement about police brutality. None of us know which side of the issue he is on, however. More importantly, he wore the gloves because he can’t afford to get calluses due to his masturbatory sensitivity issues. This also explains the numerous bottles of aloe in his bedroom. And the oven mitts. And the silly putty. Toby gave us an expected Tobylly awesome version of this song. The only twist he tossed us was that he stayed on the stage for the entire song. I didn’t see that coming. To crank out his original, Throw Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh It All Away, Toby demanded the presence of the man from Iceland on the stage. Since Halldór Ásgrímsson was not in attendance, Magni took his spot and played guitar. This allowed Toby to add a dimension of frivolity to his show. At one point, he appeared to be examining Magni’s scalp for sebaceous cysts, but he was actually writing “EVS” on the back of his skull with a permanent marker. Permanent marker, not one of those Crayola washable ones. They are now considered to be married in some parts of the Australian outback. There is nothing more rock and roll than aboriginal same sex marriages. And what about the pig-footed bandicoot? What, indeed. Magni tried to get back at Toby for marrying him without asking his wife by attempting to bludgeon Toby with his guitar. But it was all in fun, so they had figurative make up sex on stage by playing tandem guitar. Toby was the driver, in case you were wondering. Dave and Suave Porn all loved the Toby show, except that Gibly bitched about something, but nobody listened to him because we were all distracted by Tlee’s tongue in his ear.

Lukas used the Liza Minnelli comb over to groom himself for tonight’s show. It was fabulous. I think he may have used some of her make-up application techniques, too. He probably has the entire Liza self-help DVD collection at home. Lukas likes to shower himself with more dramatic lighting than the other rockers. It exemplifies his histrionic, Jan Brady-like outpouring as he works through his personal demons on the stage. Little does he know that the audience has decided to start charging him $150 per hour for these sessions. Lukas’ cover song tonight was Fix You by Coldplay. I’d like to tell you how he did, but, honestly, I don’t remember it much. It wasn’t much different than all of his other efforts. I do remember he was pointing at everybody a lot. I felt so accused. After a moment or six of dramatic dead air, Lukas let us know that he would be taking Head Spin down a little bit. He took it way down. He chose to solo acoustic at it. His guitar was open tuned in case his hands cramped up from the emotional pain he would experience and he would then be able to play the rest of the song with his feet. Unfortunately, his hands remained pliable. The feet playing would have spiced up the act immensely. This taken down performance enabled us to actually understand some of the lyrics. Once the pain in my temple from trying to make sense of them goes away, I’ll let you know what I think. Dave announced that Paula Abdul was in the audience because she wanted to hear some real singers perform. She was holding another sign: “Will critique nicely for pills”. Dave and Suave Porn proceeded to bathe Lukas in tongue sauce.

Dilana chose to sing Roxanne by The Bacon Patrol because a departed rocker had already performed it, and she wanted to show the world how it should be done. That is quite a challenge Dilana gave herself – singing the same song that another rocker did that was arguably considered the worst performance of the entire season. Way to set the bar high, Dilana. To her credit, she did a fabulous job. I enjoy the tender Dilana more than the braying hellhound Dilana. She pippified the male rockers to sing back up for her. They sounded great, too. Then she ruined everything by singing Soup Or Soul, her original song that dares the listener to choose between eternal existence and an unbelievably delicious crock of lobster bisque. I took the bisque, and I hate seafood. She announced the song by declaring, “This song is not a rebel song, this song is Super Bloody Soulday.” I think she may have borrowed that introduction from somebody else. She went on to say that this song was about letting the bad things go, like this song. So we let it go, as she wandered around the studio, singing to all that would listen, and eventually serenading Suave Porn, with face touching and everything. She even sang a bit to the anesthetized Paula Abdul. I found it interesting that when Dilana did that, she happened to sing, “No way you can hurt me anymore.” Paula must have been stealing Dilana’s face jewelry, mistaking them for Librium pills. Again, Dave and Suave Porn declared their goat fetishes about Dilana.

Magni closed the show by singing Hush by Deep Purple and then his original When the Time Comes. It was a typical Magni performance. Solid, yet uneventful. I like Magni, and I hope he wins, but he won’t. First of all, I never get what I want, so boo hoo for me and for him. Remember when I wanted that new sled for Christmas in the third grade? Remember what I got instead? That’s right, airplane glue. Looking back, I enjoyed the airplane glue more than I would have enjoyed the sled, but that’s not the point. Second of all, Tlee roasted him. He claimed to remember the other three rockers’ songs, but that there was nothing memorable about Magni’s original. I happen to think Magni’s original is pretty good and is definitely closest in style to what I’ve heard of the Suave Porn stuff. Magni retorted, “I don’t hear anybody walking down the street humming any of your crap you guys made us sing over the past few weeks either, scarecrow.” Which is true. Tlee does remind me of a scarecrow. I can’t recall a single melody of any of their songs. And, if I can’t recall one, nobody else can either. That’s a rule I just made up. So, Magni is pretty much out. Unless Tlee is messing with us. But, I doubt it, and I don’t care, because Storm is gone.

The Bird Ass Beans were Magni, Lukas and Toby, with Dilana leading the pack. I’m not sure how it will end up tomorrow. I still can’t figure out how Ryan got to be the resurrected rocker. The human animal confuses me. That is why I spend most of my time with pig-footed bandicoots. I’m not even sure what the plan is for tomorrow’s show. Do they oust the low man on the voting pole from the get-go, and have a dance off between the remaining ones? Or, do they do us a favor and give the gig to the highest vote getter and end the show after two and a half minutes. Again, I don’t care, because Storm is gone. And so is Patrice. And Brooke is knocked up. This season has been very rough on my frail little psyche. I think I need to write a song about Lukas’ mother.

15 comments:

L A Ray said...

Ryan Rules Dude. Dark Horse!

devious d said...

I so shouldn't even be here but...too badd for you. (The badd was a typo, but I decided, hey, it's like Redd Foxx. So I decided it was cool, not a typo, so I will continue to double my letters to double my funn.

I too was amazed about Rayon being the one brought back, and sad about the departure of the Storm and the Patrice. Such is life in Burnett land, though, right? Mediocrity, baby.

Thanks for the redubbing of Toby's song. And for backing me up on the Magni original. Suave Porn must need their managers or owners or MB to tell them what is the best fit of a song for their band.

Meanwhile, Paula Abdul seemed like a foreshadowing of what Brooke would look like in a few short years.

As for your assessment of Dilana, totally agree there too--she rocked Roxanne. But that SuperNovaSoul song (oops, yep, I always get the lyrics wrong--Soup or Soul, or hey--did you get it wrong? Maybe it's Soup or Sole, like, hey, dude, do you want Soup or Sole with your entree? But of course this would be in the land of flat, bottom-feeder fish). But I digress.

And is it just me, or is Glibly not so glib? Ever notice that his praise is the faint sort, as in damning with its mediocrity (there's that word again)? He's blunt in everything he says, but is particularly uncreative at giving positive feedback. It's always--that was...great. As in, well, not really great, just good, but hey, I can't make Tlee look stupid, or Jason for that matter. But the person coming off sorta stupid is Unglibly, who can only ever say, that was great. Really, it was great.

And this is their songwriter dude? Nice, can't hardly wait. (Glibly, take notes--that's a real song, by a real band, who could replace you with one little lyric.)

That said, your blogg as always is Grrrreatttttttttttt. I mean, really goodd. Really smokingg. Redd Hott. (Now that's a real compliment.) As always, you guys are the reall rockers.

keysunset said...

he’s the original reality show darling, appearing on one of the scariest reality shows I’ve ever seen. Amen to that.

Armageddon to Get Some ROTFL!

Are you trying to get Sid durnk on Ny-quil & Listerine! You said "amazing" an amazingly number of times...

They are now considered to be married in some parts of the Australian outback. LOL! Now SN will have to hire both of them ... :-D

She pippified the male rockers to sing back up for her. ROTFL, I love this line. Yep, they need the matching suits don't they.

I loved your critique on Dilana - Roxanne was good, but I didn't care that much for her original. As far as letting things go, maybe SN will free Dilana tonight ...

Can't wait to hear the Leprosy version of your song about Lukas' mother ...

del said...

Two thumbs up for the blog... yet again!

I know this to be true because Dr. Phil told me so in a dream
Did he also tell you the winner? And can you text me? Please.

but he was actually writing “EVS” on the back of his skull with a permanent marker I heard that Toby has written EVS many places. But no one told him the marker was permanent until he tried to scrub it off, hence the gloves.

Dave announced that Paula Abdul was in the audience I thought you were toying with me since I haven't been able to watch yet. But it is really Mark Burne doing the toying! (Either that or Paula has come to ask Suave Porn how come they've got better show-watching-drugs than she does)

bibi said...

Keysunset beat me to it: Armageddon to Get Some! Why didn't Ryan Star think of that? That's a winner. I think Ryan may be the type who places a discarded sock in each discarded shoe before going in for Le Kill.

No joke: I thought Paula Abdul WAS Lukas' mother, brought in from the hinterlands for her weekly scolding. I like pills too. Step away from Paula and her pain.

Sunshine said...

I always thought that EVS was Toby's way of channeling Elvis (spells it different because of the accent). It's a ploy to get the Memphis vote. I also thought Ryan was channeling the Hoff..didn't he have a song about geting some in his car or not? Luckas was channeling his real parents, Pugsly and Christina Riccki, Magni knows he is so gone, so he is channeling FREYR that Icelandic pagan god of fertility. He is also the god of the corn and of all plants grow upon the Earth. Pretty corny eh?.
Dilana is channeling the lesbian vote by continously sprouting the camel toe.
As for the winner, I think they are going to thumbwrestle for it, maybe followed by a game of red rover with SuavePorn. They don't spend alot of money on their haircare, but you'd never know it.

kristy said...

Wow, this is your bestest one yet! I loved the Bush diatribe and this lil' gem

Another sign said, “I’m Paula Abdul and I have no idea where I am.” .

Will you marry me in a quickie Vegas ceremony performed by EVS followed by a long extended honeymoon/divorce in Mexico ?? Your writing is enough to swoon any xe.

AMAI said...

they bribed him with a repossessed Honda CRV, complete with a chocolate phone that he immediately used to make wireless s’mores.

This made me giggle a lot more than it should have. Then I envisioned the s'mores and felt a pound creeping back on.

Re Toby:
The only twist he tossed us was that he stayed on the stage for the entire song. I didn’t see that coming.
OH LOL! Would it be wrong of me to quote you in the Epic Cap? I'd put a link to this post, and everything.

This season has been very rough on my frail little psyche. I think I need to write a song about Lukas’ mother.
This was another bit that came out of nowhere and made me LOL.

I just hope you're not so damaged that you can't blog about the Second City Course you're doing. Unless that was just a tall tale, designed to put off the inevitable wailing and rending of clothing at season's end?

Loved the whole thing, Moist. I was just picking out bits to comment on that hopefully no one else commented on.

lep lov said...

More importantly, he wore the gloves because he can’t afford to get calluses due to his masturbatory sensitivity issues. Tee hee! I wonder who his masturbatory fodder is? I bet it's you, you little devil.

And what about the pig-footed bandicoot? What, indeed. Nice. I love it when you throw in a little, "what the what is this guy on?" for us.

And I, too, am much more impressed with your Ryan song title - Armegeddon to Get Some!

Devious DD is rightt! You guys are off the hookk!! (too funny d!)

Savvy1007 said...

The Real Supernova
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supernova_%28band%29

San Diego Judge Forces Supernova To Change Name
09-13-06 at 9:20AM
http://www.kfmb.com/stories/story.63147.html
They are looking for a new lead singer, and now, rock star Supernova is looking for a new name, too, thanks to a ruling issued in San Diego.
Judge John Houston said the super-group will have to call itself something else.
The decision comes after another band called Supernova filed a lawsuit.
The ruling will take effect immediately after the finale of Rock Star Supernova Wednesday night.
---
ORIGINAL SUPERNOVA ROCK BAND GRANTED INJUNCTION IN BATTLE WITH SUPERNOVA SHOW

http://www.pr-inside.com/rock-band-granted-injunction-in-battle-with-supernova-show-r18487.htm
A Californian rock band yesterday (12SEP06) won a preliminary injunction against producer MARK BURNETT and US TV network CBS, who have been told they must stop using the group's name SUPERNOVA for a band being formed on reality television show ROCK STAR: SUPERNOVA.
Supernova are best known for contributing the song CHEWBACCA to the cult 1994 KEVIN SMITH movie CLERKS. They filed for an injunction in August (06) in the US District Court in San Diego, California after the collapse of settlement talks, which followed the June (06) filing of a lawsuit on the matter.
Judge JOHN HOUSTON barred the TV band - comprising MOTLEY CRUE drummer TOMMY LEE, VOIVOD bassist JASON NEWSTED, ex-GUNS N' ROSES guitarist GILBY CLARKE and an as-yet-unknown vocalist - from "performing rock and roll music, or recording, or selling rock and roll music recordings under the same (name), pending a trial of this action on its merits, or until otherwise ordered by the court".
Rock Star: Supernova follows the success of ROCK STAR: INXS, which saw the Australian band pluck JD FORTUNE from obscurity to replace late frontman MICHAEL HUTCHENCE.
The band formed on Rock Star: Supernova is set to tour the US from to December 2006 to February 2007.
http://right-thoughts.us/index.php/weblog/comments/you_cant_just_steal_someones_name_dude/
---
Background info on Supernova "band name" lawsuit...

Supernova are still together and currently performing...
http://www.supernovaarmy.com/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supernova_%28band%29

1 really good Wikipedia (link)...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supernova_(Rock_Star_band)
states how Supernova I found out that Butch Walker informed Supernova II about the Superova band name already being used, via a Butch Walker MySpace blog post...

2 really good MTV article (links)...
http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1535219/06272006/supernova_california_.jhtml
http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1536107/20060711/supernova_california_.jhtml?headlines=true&;rsspartner=rssMozilla

2 really good Chart Attack article (links)...
July 2006 - http://www.chartattack.com/DAMN/2006/07/1305.cfm
August 2006 - http://www.chartattack.com/damn/2006/08/1419.cfm

Pynkbyrd said...

May I just say that finding your blog about Rockstar:Supernothing has been one of the best highlights about the show. No one has written about the show like you guys. I will be checking in from time to time to read about what y'all are up to.

So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Anonymous said...

THE WINNER IS

Go here
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0826456/board/thread/53620969
and it't totally true!

Savvy1007 said...

THE WINNER IS HERE
http://www.6767.com/archives/2006/09/the_tuesday_sho.html#comments
and it's totally true!

HR said...

To Brooke and to Moist: Thanks for the mammaries.

Leper Hopeful said...

also known as Armageddon to Get Some. His desperation to get his pee-pee dipped is pretty evident in that he’s asking his partner to take off her clothes in the first line. What, no romance? Not even a “your eyes look so beautiful when reflecting the atomic blast in the distance”?
Moist Rub everybody. Let's here it for him.

Dr. Phil told me so in a dream. And then I braided his back hair
In certain parts of Canada, that means you are considered married.

make wireless s’mores
Who's hungry???

he wore the gloves because he can’t afford to get calluses due to his masturbatory sensitivity issues. This also explains the numerous bottles of aloe in his bedroom. And the oven mitts. And the silly putty
Is it just me or did anyone else remember this from that episode of cribs where we got an inside look at the bedroom of Moist Rub.

Little does he know that the audience has decided to start charging him $150 per hour for these sessions.
Fortunately (or unfortunately? I'm not sure which), JN has decided to cover these costs to ensure Lukas will develop a transference reaction to him and call him daddy.

Again, I don’t care, because Storm is gone. And so is Patrice. And Brooke is knocked up. This season has been very rough on my frail little psyche. I think I need to write a song about Lukas’ mother.
Isn't it beautiful to watch the healing begin?

p.s. ddevious dd & sunshine - very funny!