Previously, on Rock Star: Suave Porn…..
You never see Brooke on the mansion show, only hear her voice. Kind of like phone sex. You imagine what she’s wearing and abuse yourself to occupy time while they show the first of approximately 37 recaps for the week. But I digress.
As usual, the remaining rockers toast Ryan, talk about his amazing songwriting, his amazing performances, his amazing talent, his amazing keyboard skills, his amazing hoodies, his amazing insights, and then remind each other how friggin’ amazing they must be if he’s gone and they’re still around.
Except for Dilana, who wallows in self-pity after proclaiming her bottom three performance “the worst of her life”, although I might have voted for the naked run around the pool a couple weeks ago. Get back in the vampire costume and go back to the darkside.
Since Toby got the encore and Ryan was not around to return the traditional cake to the face tribute, Magni handled the duties. He didn’t seem very committed, but it was enough to provoke the obligatory food fight that the producers had scheduled for this week. In fact, none of the rockers seemed very committed to the food fight. The producers were so unimpressed they decided to scrap the group shower scene and just told them to jump in the goddam pool to clean off. Storm must have been wearing a water soluble shirt because it seemed to have disappeared during the pool scene, thus giving the blurry dot guy on the production crew some work to do. Afterwards, they sat around the pool, except for Lukas who ran upstairs to re-apply his make-up. If the rockers ever ended up on Survivor and were divided up by season one and season two, my money would so be on the INXS rockers.
Life is a constant clinic, as we all know from Lukas, and this week was no exception. The rockers got yet another new track from Suave Porn, and they all agreed that this one rocked like no other track they have ever heard. Dilana thought it was dark and dirty, Toby said “EVS” to try and be cool but the excitement in his eyes said otherwise, Magni nodded his naked noggin knowingly, Lukas wrote a verse and chorus before the track was even over, and Storm humped a sub-woofer.
The next day they woke up to their Bose Wave Clock Radios from Sharper Image, showered with some Passion Fruit Shower Gel courtesy of The Body Shop, had a bowl of Post Raisin Bran cereal for the regular rock star, and then piled into the Honda Ridgelines for a ride to Gibson and some one-on-one song writing with Gibly. Apparently TLee and Jason were busy in a beach volleyball tournament or something.
First up, Storm and her song Maniac Nightlife. Gibly seemed to enjoy working with Storm, but probably because she smells a lot nicer than Axl used to. Probably due to the Passion Fruit Shower Gel, available at The Body Shop. Storm said that chemistry was incredibly important and thought that they should just give the gig to Phil.
Magni was next and thought he might be at a disadvantage since English is not his native language. It doesn’t appear to be TLee’s native language, either, but that hasn’t stopped him. I say that if you can find a rhyme for hryggur in Icelandic then English should be a breeze. Apparently not. Gibly thought it sucked and scheduled Magni for a remedial English as a second language clinic with Klaus Meine, and sent along a gift basket with some Passion Fruit Shower Gel from The Body Shop. Klaus can’t get enough of the stuff, and few people know that the reason Michael Schenker got kicked out of the Scorpions was for constantly borrowing Klaus' gel.
Lukas brought along the verse and chorus, dropped it off for Gibly, said he was going out for a beer, and asked that Gibly call him on his cell phone when he had it finished.
Gibly spoke so highly of Toby’s talent, freshness, energy and rock star good looks that it made me a tad uncomfortable. Especially when he asked Toby if he liked chess and invited him to take a ride on the back of his bike back to his place for a quiet evening.
Dilana thought she had a hit single with her Metamorphosis lyrics, but Gibly found the story of a guitar player waking up one day as monstrous verminous bug very cliché. She tried to change it by adding the words “rock n’ roll” to each line, but Gibly wasn’t buying it. She was given a bottle Passion Fruit Shower Gel from The Body Shop as a parting gift, while Toby and Gibly rode off into the sunset.
To wrap up the clinic, Gibly said, “If you’re not bringing anything, what the hell do I need you for?” Poor Jason started packing his bags, thinking he had just been kicked out of Suave Porn.
Toby discovers the songboard containing five covers and a letter indicating each rocker would do a set of one cover and one original and also have to make sure that the paid audience members don’t fall asleep between songs.
The big debate this week is the fight over Behind Blue Eyes, which is coveted by both Lukas and Dilana. So Magni, in his evil Icelandic ways, dares Lukas to take Living on a Prayer, since anyone that can make that song cool is definitely Suave Porn material. Lukas falls for it, we assume Dilana gets Behind Blue Eyes, and Storm gets bonus points for her great TLee “Can you say ‘rock star’” imitation. I so wish I was cool enough to hang out with Storm Large.
In rehearsal, we get to see Storm preview her original tune What the Fuck is Lady Like. She says she’s tired of trying to impress Suave Porn by trying to wear less clothes and will instead try to impress them by finally showing them what she can do vocally. What a novel approach. Especially since the preview of the song indicates that we will finally see her do something cool. Way cool. For the first time since Marty Casey got Hit Me Baby One More Time, I’m actually looking forward to a performance.
In the meantime, Dilana admits that even though she fought for it so hard, she is not really familiar with Behind Blue Eyes and seems to believe it is a country tune done by that classic old cowpoke Wild Pete Townsend. The band snickers at her to her face, calls her a dumbass behind her back, and will likely hit themselves in the head with hammers after Suave Porn tells her how great she is.
The epilogue consists of the rockers participating in an imaginary game of double dutch jump rope, and I’m starting to miss Brandon Calhoun and his damn Lynyrd Skynyrd sing-a-longs.