Tonight was the night. Brooke declared it, so it has to be true. The rockers all seemed excited, especially Dilana as exemplified by her Mary Catherine Gallagher “Superstar!” pose she threw at the audience. Then she fell into some chairs and exposed her grandma panties.
Brooke, dolled up in the finest Pocahontas maternity wear, demanded we all give Suave Porn a final “Hell Yeah”. I don’t like that kind of coarse language, so instead, I shouted out, “Fuckin-A, Yes!” Brooke admitted she couldn’t have done any of this without the help of Dave Navarro. Any of what? Any of standing there looking pretty and reading the teleprompter? Is he both her plastic surgeon AND her optometrist? That dude is multi-faceted, for sure. As we learned, last night’s final performance show could only be described as “epic”, so don’t even think about calling it amazing. Dave had his best summer ever in this calendar year, not counting the six-week binge and hookerfest he had in Brazil last (northern hemisphere) winter, which technically was summer there. He settled Suave Porn’s worries by telling them they could not lose with any of these remaining rockers (except for three of them).
On to Danger Island where Brooke revealed that Magni, Toby and Lukas all spent some time in the bottom three of the voting. Two of these three gentlemen would have to sing to the death with their favorite song of the year. Dilana was safe for the moment, but she continued to smell her fingers after having held them in her armpits. They smelled like partially dried dishrags. Brooke informed us that the voting volume broke records last night, although she did not say which records. My guess is that they broke the record for the most leprosy patients treated, which was held prior to this by the Avadhoot Bhagwan Ram Kushta Seva Ashram Hospital at Parao, India that has treated 99,045 patients with full leprosy since 1961. Incidentally, this amount is a dual record also held by Navjot Gavaskar, an admissions clerk at the hospital since 1961, for counting the most lepers.
Magni was deemed the first unsafe rocker on Danger Island. His favorite song this summer is Fire by Jimi Hendrix. Tlee hates Magni, by the way. You can tell by the look on his face every time Magni’s name is brought up. It’s the same kind of look Katie Couric used to give Matt Lauer. Tlee also hates Iceland because he doesn’t know where it is or that people actually “come from there.” The back of the stage looked like it was actually on fire during Magni’s performance. I feared for Nate’s life until I realized it was just one of those fireplace videos people in mobile homes put in their vcr’s during Christmas. Finally, something eventful happened during one of Magni’s performances. My dog threw up on my carpet. I shouldn’t let her eat leftover burritos sitting on my counter from the weekend.
The second rocker hanging in the balance was Toby. He felt like pretending he was Billy Idol with White Wedding. He sounded like Billy for the first part of the song. But it was merely a ploy to show how much he’s changed since the show started, as he Tobyfied the rest of the song to the delight of young hopping girls across the globe. He almost made it to the end of the song without leaving the stage. He couldn’t take it anymore, since he’s deathly afraid of heights. So he jumped down into a clearing in the crowd, but returned to the stage with a rocker roll, timing the tangent of his coccyx to floor perfectly with the last beat of the song. Angus Young can’t even do that.
Toby and Magni stood on stage, with their hands folded at their respective crotches as if they were waiting for their prom dates to finally descend the staircase so they could escape the suspicious leer of their dates’ father. Unfortunately, only Toby’s date came down because Magni’s date was upstairs puking from pregnancy sickness that he caused a few weeks earlier after the acoustic show. Toby was allowed to dance his heart out at the prom, while Suave Porn father beat the snot out of Magni and sent him back to his fiery cave in Iceland. Although, they did mention they liked his ride. Ultimately, Suave Porn thought Magni was more suited to be in a band than to front a band. I agree. As we’ll learn later, apparently, the Suave Porn guys like to stand around and do nothing on stage while the lead singer does all the work. But, that is a story for another few minutes. Jason declared Magni the King of Iceland and sent him on his way. Iceland doesn’t have a king, as it is run by their prime minister. Although, they do have a president who acts as more of a ceremonial leader, so maybe that’s what Jason meant. He was in Metallica so we’re not sure what he ever means. But, he was in Metallica, so it’s ok.
Before we could move on to the good stuff (hopefully there would be good stuff), we endured the plights of the three remaining rockers, in video form, enhanced by a live comment by each rocker. Lukas admires Suave Porn for being good guys, even though they are rich, and being rich gives people the sacred right of being a prick, but Suave Porn is not a prick. He would be honored to lead them, as long as they stay away from any tall grass, in which case Suave Porn wouldn’t be able to find him. Dilana proclaims to be the One Ring to rule them all, to find them, to bring them all and in the darkness bind them because she is dedicated 1000% and is not limited by the rules of math. Tlee’s ears perk up when he hears the talk of binding them. Toby punctuates his growth as a performer, licks Suave Porn’s ass for showing him the way and mocks the other two rockers for being munchkins. Tlee declares them all amazing, not to be confused with epic, and decrees that they should all sing once again.
During the next commercial break, we are tormented with clips of Lukas singing Headspin in a Survivor promo. Gee, I wonder who’s gonna win? But, I’ll go through the rest of this crap, anyway, but with less heart than I normally do.
Lukas – Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve. He was competing with the band for room in the soundosphere, and was losing except for where the orchestration was brought down for dramatic effect. Slathering, contortioning, pointing. Nothing new here. And why would there be?
Dilana – Zombie by The Cranberries. Dilana came at us with the determined look of a preschooler trying to write a cursive capital Q. It looks like her severed calf has healed, thank goodness. Either that or Paula Abdul gave her some helpers after the taping of last night’s show. Other than seeming to produce some vocal tones on her inhales, ala Ronnie Woo Woo of Cubs fan fame, nothing new to report here, either.
Toby – Somebody Told Me by The Killers. Why bother, Lukas already won. I’m watching Storm’s pre-Rock Star Great Day on You Tube right now. Beauty. And I just got done watching some Scott Weiland/STP videos to see if there was any similarity between his style and Lukas’, as my newest conspiracy theory claims that Suave Porn is trying to form a “super” group to compete with Velvet Revolver. There wasn’t much similarity. Maybe back in Scott’s younger days – a little. He’s better than Lukas. Still, I believe my theory still holds true. Now I’m eating Chips Ahoy cookies. They’re not as good as they used to be. I’m getting crumbs in the keyboard. So, that was Toby’s last performance on the show. Good on ya, mate.
Ooo, look, Tlee’s drums magically appeared on stage. Brooke must have missed the stagehands (they’re not called roadies on a tv show) setting them up during the commercial break because she was busy trying to find out what my new phone number is. Nobody knows why Tlee’s drums are on stage. I’ll play along. Jason booted Toby from the show because he has great vocal range, has the best voice for cutting through the guitars and has notched himself up through the ranks all season long. I guess he ran out of notches. I’m not even sure where you would buy notches. What the hell is a notch, anyway? It sounds like something I don’t want to have growing in my sigmoid colon, that’s for sure. So, the notch ridden Toby is no more. He thanked the Suave Porn and also told them to eat it.
They eliminated the march of shame for the ousted rockers for this year’s version of Rock Star. I was looking forward to seeing the fallen rockers again, especially Chris, one of the best singers in the world, so I’ve heard. Instead, Gibly asked for more time to keep us in suspense for an extra couple of minutes. I took this opportunity to scratch my back on the corner of the wall.
We came back from commercial to watch two sweating people on stage. I usually go to Wal-Mart to look at sweating people. Someone on the show said this has been an incredible summer of rock and roll. As far as television shows go, I agree. This show has rocked pretty good at times. It’s no Don Kirshner’s Rock Concert, but it’s probably all we can expect from network TV nowadays.
The final Suave Porn assessment of Lukas: He’s got the look, the energy and they love the way he moves and can't wait to see if he ever explodes.
The final Suave Porn assessment of Dilana: She’s yeah, enchanting and unbelievable, but mostly yeah.
Lukas, you’re our boy. Welcome. (note: now I’m listening to Patrice’s original Suave Porn clinic song – Hopscotch Butterscotch, or whatever it was called and then I'll watch her performance of My Iron Lung - one of my faves from the show, like Suzy's Get Back from last year.)
Dilana was pissed but was cordial and said all the right things. Although, she did do the Animal House coughing “Blow Job” and “Eat Me” thing. Dave asked her to come rock with them on tour, since they’ll need somebody to smack around after Lukas gets too bloody. Gibly promised to help her write and produce her album when he has nothing better to do. Dilana said that would kick ahss, and encouraged Lukas to kick some serious ahss, too. So Lukas kicked Paul in the face. They were having so much fun kicking Dilana off the show, Sauve Porn forgot to unveil themselves with Lukas, until Brooke reminded them because that is what the teleprompter told her to say.
After a few minutes of Suave Porn hug fest on stage, they tried to crank it up with Be Yourself, which is that one song that sounds like a Louis XIV song. It is at this point I figured out the primary reason they chose Lukas. They don’t want anybody understanding their insipid lyrics and making fun of them. They have succeeded in that quest. Eventually, they made their way to It’s All Love, a non-descript anthem. As I alluded to before, another reason they chose Lukas is because of his energy. Jason and Gibly act like they are performing in a wax museum on stage. Tlee looks like he’s operating a lathe and doesn’t want to mess up his wood. They’re not very dynamic performers at all, especially compared to all the bragging they’ve been doing all summer. You know, Jason used to be in Flotsam and Jetsam. Magni accompanied them on It’s All Love, and he was the most animated musician in the band. What does that tell you? It tells me, they should hire acrobatic robots to perform for them. Or at least let Shields and Yarnell join the band as back up mimes.
One good thing has come out of all of this. After diligently watching every Tuesday and Wednesday night for the entire summer and seeing the same commercials being played over and over and over in my face. I’m really excited about that new show The Class. It doesn't look similar to Friends at all.
Having said all of this, I do intend to see Suave Porn live – as soon as they open for The Lovehammers.
(By the time I was finished writing this amazing epic, I was watching videos of Marty from last year's show. If you don't like this blog, blame him. It's his fault we started this whole mess. The Lovehammers are awesome - Brooke says to check them out.)