Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Rock Star - Sept 6 - Sid

I see that Brooke decided to wear her Leper Pop t-shirt tonight, but the donkey ball producers made her turn it inside out. I guess I understand, since then they would have to allow Dave to wear his 6767.com t-shirt and allow Jason to wear his www.IWasInMetallica.com t-shirt.

Brooke noticed TLee looked tired and Dave noticed that Brooke looked knocked up and nobody noticed Jason.

Then there was more lame chatter than on a bad blind date, before the Suave Porn dropped us off out front with a handshake and a promise to do it again soon. Then they got on with their late night booty call and announced Magni as this week’s Suave Porn Featured Dancer.

Suave Porn/Magni – It’s All Love: I can’t see them filling arenas with this guy at the helm. In fact, I’m not sure they’d make enough money to buy him a ticket back to Iceland after the last stop on the tour.

Brooke told us that the rockers made their way to the show in true rock star style – in their Honda Element SC’s. I’m not sure it’s considered rock star style if I can go out and buy one for $17,995.

I don't know what happened for the rest of the show because I passed out at this point after playing my new drinking game in which I do a shot every time somebody says “amazing”. Before they even got to the encore I had polished off a bottle of Wild Turkey, some Cuervo, and was halfway through a bottle of Ny-Quil. I think it was the Ny-Quil that put me over the edge. Thankfully, the DVR was still rolling so I shook it off and continued on.

Next we got some exciting Suave Porn worldwide tour news (although I’m not sure that three forays into Canada qualifies as a worldwide tour).

“Brooke! Brooke! Hey, Brooke!”
“Yes, Dave?”
“I think I want to rock out with Suave Porn.”
“Dave, they already played tonight – did you already forget their memorable performance of It’s All Love with Magni? You should have checked it out.”
“No, Brooke, I mean I want to tour with them – me and my band Channel Locks.”
“Dave, I thought they were called Panic Button.”
“No, you’re thinking about that Staples commercial.”
“Sorry, Dave, but that’s great news, isn’t it.”
Audience: “Yaaayyyyy!”

And scene.

Oh, and whoever gets tonight’s encore gets to keep their Honda Element SC. I think they also get a sponge bath from Gibly featuring Passion Fruit Shower Gel from The Body Shop. I was so pumped up when Storm won the….. wait… what? Serious? Friggin’ Toby? Where’s the rest of my Ny-Quil? This show sucks. I resign.

Oh, what the hell, I might as well finish this episode. So Toby introduced his song called Throw it Away which is about getting so wasted that your skin hurts the next day, and dedicated it to poor dead Steve Irwin the crocodile hunter. I’m sure Steve is honored and his family is flattered.

Bottom Three time, and all rockers are on Danger Island this week. First up is…

Storm – Wish You Were Here: Jason cried. Storm cried. I cried because I ran out of Ny-Quil. And just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, Storm pulls out one of those little Kleenex travel packs that only your grandma carries around. Good grief, who’s next?

Dilana – I Want You To Want Me: I give her props for her athleticism in hopping down from the den and back up on the stage with impressive dexterity. So let me get this straight… she took a classic Cheap Trick song and re-worked it??!!?? What was she thinking? Because she totally what the what sucked it. She claimed it was punk. No. It wasn’t. If I cared enough, I’d send her a CD of The Gits for her first lesson in punk. What she was attempting, and failing at, was more a country punk sound. If you want to hear it done right, go listen to some Von Ehrics. Kicking off their Midwest tour next weeek. I’ll be at The Note on September 23rd, so why don’t you all meet me there. I’ll buy you a beer. So who’s next? Is there anyone here that actually wants to win this thing?

Lukas – Headspin: I love it when rockers decide to do their own damn encore. I think he thought that Tommy and Brooke would get confused and give him an Element, too, but it didn’t appear to work. I’m not sure since I fast forwarded through his performance on my DVR. I sure hope nobody got naked. I’m betting Moist Rub would let me know.

The Gibly Pre-Hatchet Recap
Storm – you throw a nice change up, but you’ve yet to throw a complete game.
Dilana – you’re the top prospect, but seem to be in a slump.
Lukas – Whaddya doing up there – go sit down, you lovable little lugnut.

The Tommyhawk didn’t have the heart to pull the trigger on the babes, so made Jason do the dirty work. Jason did the obligatory “you guys rock pretty good for chicks” speech, then told Storm that she would be going home to sleep in her own bed tonight. Or my bed. I’ll leave the door open, Stormy.

Dave and the Suave Porn continued sucking up to Rock Star: Storm Nova and she was gracious enough, but appeared ready to just get the hell out. Her goodbye speech seemed reminiscent of Bill Murray’s speech in the barracks to the rest of the platoon:
Lukas Rossi, you are a madman. When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with you, cowboy. If the two of us together, forget it.

Yeah, I know I already used that reference earlier this season, but it’s not like we haven’t heard the same damn songs over and over. And over. And over. One more week, buddies, just one more week.

20 comments:

AMAI said...

I think Lukas either figured he'd get booted, or already knew that no matter what he did, he wouldn't get booted.

After booting Stormy, I'm thinking they deserve Magni.

One thought is that Storm demanded to be booted when there were still enough people who'd be there to see how much most of the band wants her, only meanie Jason is wetting himself in fear.

del said...

I think they also get a sponge bath from Gibly featuring Passion Fruit Shower Gel from The Body Shop I guess this explains why they all sucked in the final 3. And I think Storm, Dilana and Lukas were all trying to go home this week so they didn't have to live with the "final four" taint. And the sponge bath!

Way to go Storm!

HR said...

You make my head spin, Sid. Why? Why? Why? Because you're a beautiful thing.

Nice plug for the VohEhrics. Still haven't found anyone to go with you? Storm's free...

keysunset said...

Rock Star: Storm Nova and she was gracious enough, but appeared ready to just get the hell out.

Me too. I'm soooooooo glad there's only one more week.

I really thought this show would be Rock Star:Trainwreck when I heard the premise, but held out hope it might rise above that. No such luck. Thanks for making this season bearable.

bibi said...

Looking to pass out for the finale? I recommend Bud and Benadryl.

Love the Honda Ridg ... I mean t-shirt plugs in first paragraph.

kristy said...

Ah the Gits, when punk was really punk.

You are so cool, Sid!

Brooklyn Girl said...

This was the best thing that could have happened to Storm. SN aren't going anywhere, except maybe Kansas. But she'll do fine.

I gotta say, though, that her "WYWH" didn't move me at all. Nice voice. No feeling. Overthought it. I'd rather hear someone with a not-so-perfect voice (you know who I mean) who really gets the song and sings from the gut.

Ultimately, they all bore me and I'm ready for the season to be over.

Anonymous said...

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Storm was the only thing about the show that didn't suck!

Also, how can you not love a broad that cries when she's eliminated, but you would never know aside from the wet cheeks, because she is a fucking machine of composure and grace.

Thank god there's only two shows left.

Couldn't care less who wins.

-gina

Anonymous said...

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Storm was the only thing about the show that didn't suck!

Also, how can you not love a broad that cries when she's eliminated, but you would never know aside from the wet cheeks, because she is a fucking machine of composure and grace.

Thank god there's only two shows left.

Couldn't care less who wins.

-gina

some girl said...

Before they even got to the encore I had polished off a bottle of Wild Turkey, some Cuervo, and was halfway through a bottle of Ny-Quil.

Who are you watching the show with, Kitty Dukakis? I know that you're forced to amuse yourself, but I beg of you – give this up before next week. If the finale is anything like last year, you’ll be unconscious before they get through the introductions. Perhaps you could consider leaving a blog to be opened in the event of your ‘amazing’ demise…We have to have something to look forward to (I’m referring to your recap, of course…).

Leper Hopeful said...

some girl said:
I beg of you – give this up before next week. If the finale is anything like last year, you’ll be unconscious before they get through the introductions

Sid would in that case be very lucky! Let's all try that! Thanks for the suggestion some girl ;)
And I'm sure he'd still write a fabulous blog even if he loses consciousness during the finale :)

del said...

but I beg of you – give this up before next week
No Sid, Please. I beg of you. Don't listen to her. We love your blog. We need your blog. Please, take one more for the team.

And if begging doesn't work, I am sure a bribe could be arranged. We have cheese!

Sid F'er said...

So, does that mean that del does want me to drink myself into unconciousness before the introductions even end?? I'm so confused now. Where's my Ny-Quil?

del said...

The italicized portion of my post asking you to give it up was a quote I was rebutting.

No unconciousness until the last word is typed and the final Rockstar blog has been posted.

Please. Do I have to send SGB after you?

Then I'll be happy to pass the NyQuil.

Some girl said...

Del,
I was begging Sid to give up the drinking game before next week, not the blog. Have you already forgotten last years' amazingly amazing finale? I’m amazed.

Clearly I understand the need for Sid to continue (the writing, not the drinking), which is why I implied that if he chose not to stop (the drinking, not the writing) that he leave an advance copy of his recap (of the show, not of his alcohol consumption), in the event of his ‘amazing’ demise (because it would be due to the drinking game, not because it would be befitting of the Greatest Show on Earth. And by that, I mean the circus, as in “Step right up for Sid’s Amazing Demise”, lest you think that I was saying that Sid’s death by Nyquil is hardly befitting of Rockstar Suave Porn, the Greatest Show on Earth. Are you kidding me? Most certainly, it is).

Like everyone else, I am eagerly awaiting Sid’s grand finale (the blog, not his unfortunate end where after following a litre of Listerine with a Clinique Astringent chaser, he tragically flicks his Bic while crying out for Storm’s encore). This is why I parenthetically clarified exactly what I meant in my earlier post.

Trouble maker.

Sid F'er said...

Some girls take my money
Some girls take my clothes
Some girls get the shirt off my back
And leave me with a lethal dose

some girl said...

Some girls take my money
Some girls take my clothes
Some girls get the shirt off my back
And leave me with a lethal dose


Damn, you're good.

When do I get the shirt?

AMAI said...

My verification word ("fuwvlhg") for this post looks like "fuckwit" after a bottle of Wild Turkey, half a bottle of Cuervo, the Ny-Quil and cough syrup. Or after Lukas has had his way with the singing thereof.

A case of real booze (gin) is on its way to you, Sid. Anyone who drinks Listerine needs to audition for Rock Star Season 3.

Anonymous said...

I think Storm SUCKS and I'm glad she is gone. I hated her voice and couldn't stand watching her sing and perform. I could honestly see why the men (and boys) in the audience would like her but I know it was definely NOT for her singing ability!!! Please don't get me started on Lucas. When I watch him on stage I can't stop laughing. He's hysterical to watch and honestly, I'm not even listening to him sing. Doesn't anyone else feel this way or is it just me???!!!

Sid F'er said...

I never got the Lukas attraction, either. However, I did like Storm, but can easily see how she can inspire a love or hate reaction.