I see that Brooke decided to wear her Leper Pop t-shirt tonight, but the donkey ball producers made her turn it inside out. I guess I understand, since then they would have to allow Dave to wear his 6767.com t-shirt and allow Jason to wear his www.IWasInMetallica.com t-shirt.
Brooke noticed TLee looked tired and Dave noticed that Brooke looked knocked up and nobody noticed Jason.
Then there was more lame chatter than on a bad blind date, before the Suave Porn dropped us off out front with a handshake and a promise to do it again soon. Then they got on with their late night booty call and announced Magni as this week’s Suave Porn Featured Dancer.
Suave Porn/Magni – It’s All Love: I can’t see them filling arenas with this guy at the helm. In fact, I’m not sure they’d make enough money to buy him a ticket back to Iceland after the last stop on the tour.
Brooke told us that the rockers made their way to the show in true rock star style – in their Honda Element SC’s. I’m not sure it’s considered rock star style if I can go out and buy one for $17,995.
I don't know what happened for the rest of the show because I passed out at this point after playing my new drinking game in which I do a shot every time somebody says “amazing”. Before they even got to the encore I had polished off a bottle of Wild Turkey, some Cuervo, and was halfway through a bottle of Ny-Quil. I think it was the Ny-Quil that put me over the edge. Thankfully, the DVR was still rolling so I shook it off and continued on.
Next we got some exciting Suave Porn worldwide tour news (although I’m not sure that three forays into Canada qualifies as a worldwide tour).
“Brooke! Brooke! Hey, Brooke!”
“I think I want to rock out with Suave Porn.”
“Dave, they already played tonight – did you already forget their memorable performance of It’s All Love with Magni? You should have checked it out.”
“No, Brooke, I mean I want to tour with them – me and my band Channel Locks.”
“Dave, I thought they were called Panic Button.”
“No, you’re thinking about that Staples commercial.”
“Sorry, Dave, but that’s great news, isn’t it.”
Oh, and whoever gets tonight’s encore gets to keep their Honda Element SC. I think they also get a sponge bath from Gibly featuring Passion Fruit Shower Gel from The Body Shop. I was so pumped up when Storm won the….. wait… what? Serious? Friggin’ Toby? Where’s the rest of my Ny-Quil? This show sucks. I resign.
Oh, what the hell, I might as well finish this episode. So Toby introduced his song called Throw it Away which is about getting so wasted that your skin hurts the next day, and dedicated it to poor dead Steve Irwin the crocodile hunter. I’m sure Steve is honored and his family is flattered.
Bottom Three time, and all rockers are on Danger Island this week. First up is…
Storm – Wish You Were Here: Jason cried. Storm cried. I cried because I ran out of Ny-Quil. And just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, Storm pulls out one of those little Kleenex travel packs that only your grandma carries around. Good grief, who’s next?
Dilana – I Want You To Want Me: I give her props for her athleticism in hopping down from the den and back up on the stage with impressive dexterity. So let me get this straight… she took a classic Cheap Trick song and re-worked it??!!?? What was she thinking? Because she totally what the what sucked it. She claimed it was punk. No. It wasn’t. If I cared enough, I’d send her a CD of The Gits for her first lesson in punk. What she was attempting, and failing at, was more a country punk sound. If you want to hear it done right, go listen to some Von Ehrics. Kicking off their Midwest tour next weeek. I’ll be at The Note on September 23rd, so why don’t you all meet me there. I’ll buy you a beer. So who’s next? Is there anyone here that actually wants to win this thing?
Lukas – Headspin: I love it when rockers decide to do their own damn encore. I think he thought that Tommy and Brooke would get confused and give him an Element, too, but it didn’t appear to work. I’m not sure since I fast forwarded through his performance on my DVR. I sure hope nobody got naked. I’m betting Moist Rub would let me know.
The Gibly Pre-Hatchet Recap
Storm – you throw a nice change up, but you’ve yet to throw a complete game.
Dilana – you’re the top prospect, but seem to be in a slump.
Lukas – Whaddya doing up there – go sit down, you lovable little lugnut.
The Tommyhawk didn’t have the heart to pull the trigger on the babes, so made Jason do the dirty work. Jason did the obligatory “you guys rock pretty good for chicks” speech, then told Storm that she would be going home to sleep in her own bed tonight. Or my bed. I’ll leave the door open, Stormy.
Dave and the Suave Porn continued sucking up to Rock Star: Storm Nova and she was gracious enough, but appeared ready to just get the hell out. Her goodbye speech seemed reminiscent of Bill Murray’s speech in the barracks to the rest of the platoon:
Lukas Rossi, you are a madman. When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with you, cowboy. If the two of us together, forget it.
Yeah, I know I already used that reference earlier this season, but it’s not like we haven’t heard the same damn songs over and over. And over. And over. One more week, buddies, just one more week.