Rock Star - Sept 12 - Sid

Yeah, I know I didn’t recap the mansion show this week, but I suddenly realized that I really don’t care. They could fill the joint with a hundred monkeys and I still wouldn’t be interested. I don’t think I’d accept an invite to the place unless they guaranteed that Crystal Bernard was serving dinner like she did in It’s A Living. Even then, she had better be serving up something like baby back ribs. I’m not sitting next to Lukas or Dilana for the baked chicken and green beans that you get at a wedding reception.

But after watching for several weeks, I’m guessing the mansion show went something like this. Brooke reminded us that there was a performance AND an elimination show last week and had us check out this clip. Back at the mansion the remaining rockers all toasted Storm, talked about her amazing amazingness, and all agreed that she will kick their collective asses as a solo artist. Toby smashed cake in his own face in celebration of his encore, Magni hid under the table, Lukas put on a goalie mask to protect his makeup, and Dilana stuck a safety pin through the bridge of her nose to celebrate her lame cowpunk rendition of Cheap Trick.

Hmmm, I’m guessing Gibly showed up for some sort of clinic. I can’t remember which clinic we’re missing from last season, so I’m assuming it was something new like a tour bus hobbies clinic. The next day they all brought a sample that represents how they would pass the time on the tour bus. Magni spent his time translating .38 Special lyrics into Icelandic. Gibly was unimpressed. Dilana built several models of World War II airplanes and then decorated them with some groovy flowers and smiley faces. Gibly smiled and nodded, and then ran them over with his motorcycle after she left. Lukas brought Gibly a ball of yarn and a really cool pattern, said he was going out for a beer, and asked Gibly to call him on his cell phone when he had it finished. Toby had forgotten to pick a hobby, but showed up with cake on his face and a bottle of Yukon Jack. Gibly loved the youthful energy that Toby brought to the clinic, licked the frosting off this face, helped finish off the Yukon Jack, and declared Toby the winner.

During song selection nobody wants to perform Tequila because it’s too hard, so they give it to Storm. Or more specifically, a pillowcase with a face drawn on with a black Sharpie and “Storm” written across the top. Dilana fights for the right to perform Stairway to Heaven, then claims she has never heard the song before but the lyrics really spoke to her heart. Lukas is given You Spin Me Right Round by Dead or Alive, but says he will just perform Headspin again. Toby chooses Fight For Your Right to Party because it will allow him to showcase his youthful energy and dance with underage girls in the studio audience. Yeah, I’m jealous, so what about it?

Finally, we learn that Magni and Toby did not get to rehearse with the house band, because after having to rework songs for Dilana and Lukas, Paul has hanged himself and Jim was giggling too hard to continue.

The other reason I didn’t watch the mansion show was because I was on a crappy wireless network in Orlando fighting for bandwidth on a crappy wireless network against bunch of bloated businessmen trying to download porn in their hotel rooms. I finally gave up, called an escort and finally lived out my Minnie Mouse fantasy.

For the performance show I suppose it’s a no-brainer that Brooke recaps all that stuff I just said. Except that Minnie Mouse thang. That’s our little secret. She makes the crowd give it up for our four remaining rockers. Dilana pulls a hamstring giving the devil horns. She introduces Suave Porn. TLee asks the audience if this is friggin’ huge. Jason makes a dorky face that makes James Hetfield cringe. Gibly sits quietly like a porn actor waiting for his big scene. I believe that Dave Navarro and Amanda Peete could be brother/sister. I also believe that children are the future. We’re so screwed.

During the intros I spotted a sign that said, “My dad loves Tommy Lee.” There is something very disturbing about that sign, the person who wrote it, and their dad. Or maybe it was just the bastard son of Vince Neill putting in a good word for his father.

Ryan wins the Verizon Wireless Fan Favorite vote. In addition to winning a Honda CR-V he also earned a $250 gift certificate at the MAC counter, which he apparently spent all on mascara.

By now all y’all know that I’m not a big fan of Lukas, but the one thing that I do dig about the little guy is that he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about whatever Brooke is talking about. While everyone else sits around politely with their hands folded in their lap reading along to the teleprompter, Lukas is jumping around yelling at the crowd, the house band, and the production staff like the wacky guy in the background of the live shot on the local news.

Toby
Karma Police - 70’s policeman shades and cycling gloves. All he needs are rented bowling shoes to complete the random ensemble.

Throw It All Away – I’ve heard enough of this song in the last two weeks, but at least he made it interesting by making Magni his bitch. Toby forced him into servitude by enlisting him as rhythm guitar, signed him like a Terrell Owens touchdown ball, and then finally relegated him to the role of a guitar strap. I was waiting for Toby to command him to start licking his rented bowling shoes.

Toby really is a decent fit for Suave Porn, but while I was watching him stand there with Brooke I can totally see him going the way of Willie Ames and Celebrity Fit Club on VH1. Enjoy him while you can, girls.

Lukas
Fix You – Lukas interpretation of this one comes off like a lullaby for Rosemary’s Baby, Paula Abdul sways in the crowd, Dave Navarro holds up his Verizon Wireless phone, and I want to move to a remote place with no television.

Headspin: No, headache.

Gibly compliments Lukas, saying that rock and roll is about not being afraid to try something new. I guess that’s why Suave Porn sent Zayra and Storm home.

Dilana
Roxanne – It pissed me off that I liked this performance. The same feeling I get when I like a Will Ferrell movie.

Supersoul – What’s up with the latest trend of walking through the crowd? I see people walk through crowds every day I go downtown to work. The producers need to put a stop to it since once they get beyond the first three rows of paid hot chicks, the dorks in button down shirts, polo shirts and Dockers aren’t giving the show much cred. As if the fake Mayan Theater wasn’t enough of a travesty.

Magni
Hush – This guy could totally make a great living playing the summer festival circuit. In the band that gets the 3 p.m. gig on Saturday afternoon playing mostly covers and the random original.

When The Time Comes – It makes perfect sense that he paired his original with a Deep Purple tune since it sounds like they both could have been written in 1968.

Early results in order of most votes received:
Dilana, Toby, Lukas, Magni

Sid’s Bottom Three Comic Strips:
Marmaduke – OK, I get it already. He’s a real big dog.

Family Circus – Cute kids are not nearly as funny as you think. They aren’t that cute, either.

Nancy – She’s annoying, has bad hair, dresses terribly and is not funny. Sluggo is an idiot for hanging out with her. The only redeeming feature is her hot Aunt Fritzi. Notice the Joe Nichols shirt – he's famous for his song Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off.