Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Rock Star - Aug 30 - Sid

You know the routine – the rockers are singing for their lives, nobody can wait to see Suave Porn hit the road, there were more votes than ever and Brooke is still knocked up. All the rockers killed it last night, and in case you don’t believe her – check this out – convenient clips from last night’s show.

Back at the mansion, they toasted each other for rocking the crap out of the Mayan Theater until Lukas pointed out that now that there are only six rockers left, after you convert the Canadian, Australian, Iceman and South African to US that leaves just 3.5 rockers, thus putting 85% of them in the bottom three. Ryan points out the cost of living in New York is significantly higher than the rest of the US, so they vote and decide to multiply everything by pi. Finally, Magni notices the cue card guy holding up a sign that says 50% and resolves the issue without further delay. Ryan says that he is not ready to go home, and Lukas says he’ll take it like a man. I don’t think they were talking to each other. At least I hope not.

They made their way back to the Mayan Theater, although Lukas was walking a little bit funny. Storm advised that she wanted to kick the snot out of something, and if it wasn’t going to be a song it might have to be that dude in the dockers in the audience every week who felt her up during her stage dive back in Week A While Back. Dilana advised they were like a family. Maybe a hybrid of the Addam’s Family and the Munsters. Dilana as Lily (or Grandmama if you aren’t a fan), and you have Magni as Uncle Fester. Storm as Marilyn (or Lurch if you aren’t a fan of hers). Lukas as Eddie. Ryan as the angst-ridden Wednesday. Speaking of which, whatever happened to Christina Ricci? I know I left Toby out, but I got bored and distracted by Christina Ricci. But Dilana’s point was that losing somebody during the elimination show was like losing a limb. Right. Sending Ryan home from the mansion would be just like having to hop around on your left foot for the rest of your life, Dilana. Magni and Dave shared some award show presenter type banter, then it was time for another new Suave Porn song.

I’m guessing the camera crew got the day off since we were not allowed into Pulse Studios this week to see the rehearsals/tryouts. We’re apparently on a need to know basis, and all we need to know is that Lukas is this week’s Suave Porn Featured Dancer.

Suave Porn/Lukas – It’s On: I can’t see them filling arenas with this guy at the helm. In fact, I’m not sure they’d make enough money to fill the tank in their tour bus.

TLee then wanted to thank all the maniacs in internet land that have nothing better to do than sit in front of their computer and make webpages about a goddam reality show. Bunch of losers. Umm, wait a minute. Nevermind. Strike that.

Toby gets the encore and starts roaming the Mayan Theater, shaking hands, kissing babies, helping audience member search for lost contact lenses in the dark, making his way to the back of the Mayan and then… wait a minute! That’s not the Mayan Theater! I’ve been duped! It’s all been a lie – this is just a soundstage dressed up as the Mayan. What’s next – I suppose you’ll be telling me that professional wrestling is fake.

Everybody but Magni was in the bottom three at some point during last night’s voting. Pickled ram testicles for everyone!

Ryan – Baba O’Reilly: First our boy popped some champagne like he won the World Series, got stuck in his coat like a bush league Houdini, swung the microphone like a drunken Roger Daltry, climbed the Marshall stacks like a three year old’s first visit to the playground, stumbling kidney stone danced, and all I wanted to tell him was, “Stop actin’ the fool, boy.”

Storm – Helter Skelter: I liked her hat. I also liked the way she bossed the crowd around. I could definitely spend some time in her dungeon. Did I say that out loud?

Dilana – Psycho Killer: Jason looked confused from the beginning. More so than usual. When she started speaking in tongues, even TLee freaked out a bit. And he’s seen some crazy shit. All I know is that it made me miss Zayra. I would turn off this heinous show and play some Lydia Lunch non-stop until Suave Porn clears out of the Mayan and hits the road.

But before I turned off the TV, as they were coming out of break I couldn’t help but notice Storm standing in front of the audience with the microphone sticking out of her pants like something that might stick out of her pants if she were male and really excited to be on stage. It gave me hope again and I decided to leave the TV on. Then the Suave Porn kicked Ryan off the show. My excitement grew and I stuck a microphone in my own pants. Two more weeks…..

17 comments:

Leper Hopeful said...

Ryan says that he is not ready to go home, and Lukas says he’ll take it like a man. I don’t think they were talking to each other. At least I hope not. They made their way back to the Mayan Theater, although Lukas was walking a little bit funny.
That was one of the best bits ever.

all the maniacs in internet land that have nothing better to do than sit in front of their computer and make webpages about a goddam reality show. Bunch of losers. Umm, wait a minute. Nevermind. Strike that.
Nice one!

Toby gets the encore and starts roaming the Mayan Theater, shaking hands, kissing babies, helping audience member search for lost contact lenses in the dark
Too funny!

Dilana made me miss Z too.

Leper Hopeful said...

Oh, and I just have to say, how you got so much good stuff out of that particular episode is beyond me (probably why you write the blogs and I don't, ya think? lol).
Extra bonus marks for that. I give you 3 large microphones in pants for that effort.

Sid F'er said...

And Jason says that it's all about the effort.

del said...

a hybrid of the Addam’s Family and the Munsters Good one! But we have to give Toby a role. Perhaps the townie who tries to date Marilyn and then runs screaming into the night when he realized what a bunch of freaks her family is.

it made me miss Zayra We are all in mourning that loss.

del said...

It gave me hope again These blogs are the only thing that gives me hope/keeps me watching the show.

Thx. for another great blog.

AMAI said...

Math jokes are funny. 85% of them in the B3 haha.

Toby is Pugsley.

Lukas as the SP Featured Dancer. Haha. And us being on a need-to-know basis. You do realize that Dave with all his Clout was pissed off with us InternetLanders making fun of them showing us 2.5 seconds of each Rawker, so he "suggested" to the SP to just leave it out, and see how much we liked it.

Suave Porn/Lukas – It’s On: I can’t see them filling arenas with this guy at the helm. In fact, I’m not sure they’d make enough money to fill the tank in their tour bus.

I know. I love Lukas and all, but he just doesn't seem into mindless screwing around.

As for Storm's dungeon, be careful what you wish for. Don't forget, Mrs Fer reads this blog, and she might surprise you one day with handcuffs, a doggie bowl and a soft rag!

Be sure to vote for Zayra to return on Finale Night for her well-deserved Encore!!

Love the blogs, Sid! Don't let the Missus tie you up until after Sept. 14.

keysunset said...

Toby as Pugsley. Hee hee. I watched both shows. Though Addams Family was my favorite. I love the visuals you created with those comparisons.

I agree - how you got all that out of that episode is beyond me. That's why you get paid the big bucks to write the blog right, oh wait....

del said...

Math jokes are funny. Yup! About 79.325% of the time!

Kristy said...

TLee then wanted to thank all the maniacs in internet land that have nothing better to do than sit in front of their computer and make webpages about a goddam reality show. Bunch of losers. Umm, wait a minute. Nevermind. Strike that.


But what you provide is so much more....much, much more.

Anonymous said...

Bush leauge Houdini.....bwah

I'm just glad Storm isn't gone. She's the only thing keeping me watching this wretched thing.

-gina

Anonymous said...

"swung the microphone like a drunken Roger Daltry"

Did he actually swing it?Looked like to me he couldn't quite figure out how the cordy thing was attached to the micy thing and gee that twirly mic thing Roger does is harder to do than it looks.

Maybe he should have tried that move out before the actual televised performance?

Anonymous said...

No word on Toby stealing Storm's mojo on Tuesday. I think he tried it on and it was too tight for him. Great Job !!

leplov said...

check this out
tee, hee! get's me every time

Suave Porn/Lukas – It’s On: I can’t see them filling arenas with this guy at the helm. In fact, I’m not sure they’d make enough money to fill the tank in their tour bus.
Amen, Brother!

stumbling kidney stone danced
Perfect. I was so uncomfortable with that performance I could not watch.

HR said...

Oh, Sid. I never commented on how the snozzberry thing made my day. But I digress. "Stop actin' the fool boy" could have applied to the whole show. Can we have more Hello Kitty or Call me Kitty or whatever the hell it was called when this fiasco is over?

leplov said...

Good idea HR. Thanks to Key I've re-read the Call Me Kitty series and was once again captivated by Dave's plight.

Looking forward to the next installment, Sid!

Savvy1007 said...

to me...

Supernova themselves are a weird puzzle to fit together...
Tommy Lee fits Supernova as himself...
Gilby fits Supernova like a hired gun...
Jason sticks out like a purple sore thumb...

So it's hard for me to pick someone to front this seemingly insouciant motley crew of 3...

Though that being said...
Dilana - has the classic hard rock look
Lukas - has the more modern rock edge
Magni - has the serious rock edge
Toby - does best when with them than on his own (imho)
Storm - just can't see it - better off with her Balls (imho)

Moist Rub said...

Wow! "Insouciant" was today's Doctor Dictionary word of the day.

Uncanny!