Rock Star - Aug 30 - Sid

You know the routine – the rockers are singing for their lives, nobody can wait to see Suave Porn hit the road, there were more votes than ever and Brooke is still knocked up. All the rockers killed it last night, and in case you don’t believe her – check this out – convenient clips from last night’s show.

Back at the mansion, they toasted each other for rocking the crap out of the Mayan Theater until Lukas pointed out that now that there are only six rockers left, after you convert the Canadian, Australian, Iceman and South African to US that leaves just 3.5 rockers, thus putting 85% of them in the bottom three. Ryan points out the cost of living in New York is significantly higher than the rest of the US, so they vote and decide to multiply everything by pi. Finally, Magni notices the cue card guy holding up a sign that says 50% and resolves the issue without further delay. Ryan says that he is not ready to go home, and Lukas says he’ll take it like a man. I don’t think they were talking to each other. At least I hope not.

They made their way back to the Mayan Theater, although Lukas was walking a little bit funny. Storm advised that she wanted to kick the snot out of something, and if it wasn’t going to be a song it might have to be that dude in the dockers in the audience every week who felt her up during her stage dive back in Week A While Back. Dilana advised they were like a family. Maybe a hybrid of the Addam’s Family and the Munsters. Dilana as Lily (or Grandmama if you aren’t a fan), and you have Magni as Uncle Fester. Storm as Marilyn (or Lurch if you aren’t a fan of hers). Lukas as Eddie. Ryan as the angst-ridden Wednesday. Speaking of which, whatever happened to Christina Ricci? I know I left Toby out, but I got bored and distracted by Christina Ricci. But Dilana’s point was that losing somebody during the elimination show was like losing a limb. Right. Sending Ryan home from the mansion would be just like having to hop around on your left foot for the rest of your life, Dilana. Magni and Dave shared some award show presenter type banter, then it was time for another new Suave Porn song.

I’m guessing the camera crew got the day off since we were not allowed into Pulse Studios this week to see the rehearsals/tryouts. We’re apparently on a need to know basis, and all we need to know is that Lukas is this week’s Suave Porn Featured Dancer.

Suave Porn/Lukas – It’s On: I can’t see them filling arenas with this guy at the helm. In fact, I’m not sure they’d make enough money to fill the tank in their tour bus.

TLee then wanted to thank all the maniacs in internet land that have nothing better to do than sit in front of their computer and make webpages about a goddam reality show. Bunch of losers. Umm, wait a minute. Nevermind. Strike that.

Toby gets the encore and starts roaming the Mayan Theater, shaking hands, kissing babies, helping audience member search for lost contact lenses in the dark, making his way to the back of the Mayan and then… wait a minute! That’s not the Mayan Theater! I’ve been duped! It’s all been a lie – this is just a soundstage dressed up as the Mayan. What’s next – I suppose you’ll be telling me that professional wrestling is fake.

Everybody but Magni was in the bottom three at some point during last night’s voting. Pickled ram testicles for everyone!

Ryan – Baba O’Reilly: First our boy popped some champagne like he won the World Series, got stuck in his coat like a bush league Houdini, swung the microphone like a drunken Roger Daltry, climbed the Marshall stacks like a three year old’s first visit to the playground, stumbling kidney stone danced, and all I wanted to tell him was, “Stop actin’ the fool, boy.”

Storm – Helter Skelter: I liked her hat. I also liked the way she bossed the crowd around. I could definitely spend some time in her dungeon. Did I say that out loud?

Dilana – Psycho Killer: Jason looked confused from the beginning. More so than usual. When she started speaking in tongues, even TLee freaked out a bit. And he’s seen some crazy shit. All I know is that it made me miss Zayra. I would turn off this heinous show and play some Lydia Lunch non-stop until Suave Porn clears out of the Mayan and hits the road.

But before I turned off the TV, as they were coming out of break I couldn’t help but notice Storm standing in front of the audience with the microphone sticking out of her pants like something that might stick out of her pants if she were male and really excited to be on stage. It gave me hope again and I decided to leave the TV on. Then the Suave Porn kicked Ryan off the show. My excitement grew and I stuck a microphone in my own pants. Two more weeks…..