Rock Star - Aug 16 Moist Rub

There is nothing sexier in this entire world than a pregnant biker chick. And Brooke knows that, all too well. She just got in from a road rally. Do bikers do road rallies? I don’t even know. I drive a Pontiac. So she gets back from this biker road rally to tell us that the musical masterminds that are Suave Porn are in the house. Masterminds, huh? I guess that makes Beethoven the mayor of the musical universe.

Back at the mansion tape, Storm tells us she got smoshed by the Suave Porn. I looked up smosh in the dictionary. It wasn’t there. If it had been there, it would have been between smorgasbord and smote. Evidently, she made up the word. What kind of a person makes up words? Put somebody on the edge of rock stardom and xe thinks xe can treat the English language like a garage sale purchased end table. If that isn’t egoeurekanism at its deadliest, I don’t know what is. Despicable. They switched scenes to show the fellas talking about Storm. Ryan: “Can you believe she made up that word, smosh?” Lukas: “Dude, I think it’s a real word. It means lapidary, dude.” Ryan: “No it doesn’t, she made it up.” Toby: “In Australia it means a rural occurrence of lice death.”

Storm likes watching herself, which is why her bathtub is made out of a mirror. Luckily for her, the V-phone technology allowed her to watch herself destroy Gloria Gaynor. The screen and speaker on that thing must be so small that you can hardly see or hear anything, because she thought she did well.

Picking up back at the fake Mayan, Dave asked Storm to describe her feelings about her performance on such a controversial song. She stood by her man, because she gave it a thousand percent, and it’s somebody’s favorite song (Merle Haggard) and she did her best. Dave told her she should have had some Cake. She said she would but she doesn’t want to get fat again. Dave asked to see her stretch marks because he knows she can take the criticism.

Then everybody made fun of Toby for being naked. Although, in my book, it doesn’t count for seeing a guy naked unless you see his schlong. I’m sorry, I have high standards.

Jason, after documenting the first naked rocker in the Suave Porn scrapbook, announced there would be no encore at this time. Finish me off, Gibly, demands Jason. Gibly tells us it is an incredible season so far and that there is a lot of talent sitting over there in the Al Roker den. They can all sing, and Suave Porn is getting bed sores on their asses from sitting so much. Hey, everybody, let’s put on a show! Suave Porn will play for us so that we all understand what it is they have been trying to sell us these past six weeks. We dissolve into the Pulse studio, where Suave Porn has been recording sounds for their short awaited album. They present a sequential montage of all of the rockers singing the new Suave Porn ditty. It sounded so good, they decided to end the show, hire all the rockers and form Suave Porn Aid. Or maybe Suave Porn for Africa. One of those. I still don’t know what Bob Dylan was singing.

They chose one of the rockers to sing with them this night. Now, let me make this perfectly clear, Richard Nixon. I don’t think Suave Porn, Dave and Brooke emphasized this enough, so I will repeat it here. Just because they chose only one person with whom to share the stage, it doesn’t mean that the contest is over. They have not chosen a winner. I REPEAT, THEY HAVE NOT CHOSEN A WINNER. There was one rocker who showed them something special down there by the old Pulse studio. That doesn’t mean she has won the show. Not at all. Despite the fact that Suave Porn thinks she is better than everybody else, doesn’t mean the rest of them have lost. Do we all understand? Tonight’s showcase performance in no way intimates that Dilana has indeed become the lead singer for Suave Porn. Even though she has, and the next month of Tuesdays and Wednesdays are more of a formality than a bought election is to the republican party.

Dilana chose a Cyndi Lauper hair-do to wear to the Suave Porn inauguration ball. And like Cyndi Lauper’s videos, for this exalted unveiling of Suave Porn, THEY LIP-SYNCHED THE SHIT! Un-flippin’-believable. Not only that, they added a Cybil Shepard on Moonlighting camera lens filter to soften the blow. Obviously, they plan to sell the shit out of this video once the formality is over. I can’t believe how gullible I am. I actually had some hope to think that maybe, just maybe, Suave Porn would create something worthy of integrity. It’s a daggum REALITY SHOW, dumb ass! You know what? I should have studied more. Is this where my life has taken me? What a dumb ass! Between the lip-synching, the video styling, the dancing whore cracks, the generic rock song, the partnership with Mark Burnett, I’m beginning to think that Suave Porn is nothing but a marketing machine, and it’s not really about the music, Dewey Finn. And to top it all off, Tlee overdrums on that song.

Time for the formality encore. In order to ruin my viewing experience all the more, since I had not yet gouged out my left eye, they chose to give the encore to Ryan, who I am beginning to loathe. Remember that scene in Trading Places where Dan Akroyd was wearing the Santa Clause suit and was sitting on the bus, after having downed a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 and he pulled out the salmon from his coat and was eating it with the Santa beard hair stuck to it and those ladies on the bus were aghast at him and he leered at them and groaned, “blaahhghghhghhghg!” That’s how Ryan’s angstcore made me feel tonight. (Note: my drunk friends and I have coined the term “eating the salmon” to describe an obliterated state of drunkenness, which was inspired by this movie scene. Feel free to use it with your friends.)

On to the bottom three, which promises to be a relative oasis in the desert of tonight’s show. Thanks to Brooke and her description of being in a dangerous position for those who will learn that they have visited the voting bottom three at some point, I have declared that this rocker predicament to be known as being on Danger Island. She always brought the best out of me. Too bad that other jerk had to go and knock her up. So shall it be blogged, so shall it be done. This week’s Danger Island inhabitants were Zayra, Patrice, Toby, Magni and Storm. Magni? Magni rocks, gentle voters. At least enough to not tempt the bottom three. It must be the JDidiots influence in the voting.

I’m sorry to report that the Vote for Zayra contingent failed this week, as she was the first placed into the cannibal kettle on Danger Island (is it setting in, yet?). She chose to enlighten the world to Blue October’s Razor Blade, a song she described as really intense. She also proclaimed to "give it the hell out of me." Don't ask me. I don't know either. From her description and her agog, I was expecting some hybrid of death metal and gospel, and was surprised to hear strains of Devo fill the studio. The song slowly eventually began to gurgle and distort until Zayra proceeded to wail and flail and on a sea of dementia set sail. And then it got freaky devolving into silliness. She lost me on this one. Not forever. Like Grace to the Starship, I’ll find my way back, although I don't remember if she had rejoined them when they released that song, so it could be a hapless analogy. Wouldn't be the first.

What’s the bottom three without Suzie? I mean Patrice. Dolling herself up with PTA mom-type make up, Patrice decided to change her mind, which is every PTA mother’s prerogative, regarding the song with which to beg for Suave Porn clemency. Originally, she planned to go ballad, but after this week’s snooze acoustic, she thought she’d better bring the rock. And that rock had a Hole in it. It was a donut rock in the shape of Celebrity Skin. Patrice was solid, if not almost there. She’s the queen of blue balls. She takes me just about there and then drops me to answer the phone. Sure, she’d love to hear about how you can save her money on new windows for the house. I’ll go soak my nuts in the toilet. I’ll admit, by the end of the song, she was rockin’ pretty good. During her plight, she strolled around the audience on her way to the Suave Porn perch. There, she postured her posterior to them to entice copulation, to which Tlee responded, of course, by dousing himself in urine. This ritualistic behavior was Patrice’s last-ditch effort to remain on the show for at least one more week, so that when Zayra is famous some day, Patrice can tell our grandkids that she beat her on Rock Star: Suave Porn.

Magni tried to hide underneath his fashionable hood, but Brooke found him and sequestered him to the stage to be formally lashed. Storm looked bewildered at this development. Wait, she always looks like that. To show Suave Porn he can do anything better than Lukas, even though the voting public is racist against herring lappers, Magni chose to perform Creep by Radiohead. He claimed that, on top of using this song to taunt Lukas’ ability as a human being, it is the anthem of his generation. Maybe in Iceland it is, but here in America, his generation’s anthem is I’m Too Sexy by Right Said Fred. Sorry, Magni, I didn't vote for it. But, no need to apologize tonight, Magni. He doped it (whatever that means, but Dave and Tlee have been using that term, so it’s gotta be cool.) (I trust it can be used as a verb.) (If not, my apologies to Dave and Tlee, and to English teachers worldwide.) Did you voters hear him tonight? There is no way in hell he deserves to be in the bottom three until there are only four people left. You Ryangsters out there actually believe Ryan is better than this? No effin’ way. Too bad Magni wrecked his rock star life by having a kid. What an idiot. If I could sing, do you think I’d have kids? I only had them because I’ll need somebody to change my diapers in a few years. To bring this vibe back to the right side of zero, I did like Magni’s Princess Leia knit cap he wore tonight. Star Wars nostalgia is the new burnt sienna.

Gibly’s up chuck sum up went like this. Zayra likes to play Risk and always places all of her armies on Kamchatka. Suave Porn enjoys Patrice but she smells like the bottom three and needs a Suave Porn bath. Magni was great last night, was great tonight, is very far from Iceland, where he lives, which is why everybody calls him the Iceman, because he’s from Iceland. So, sit your ice-monkey ass down, Magni! (I like the way the "!" and the "i" in Magni's name visually interact at the end of that sentence. You don't see that much. There aren't many words that end in "i" that are used at the end of exciting sentences like that. OK, back to the show.)

And this week’s golden Tleehawk goes to…………..ZAYRA! Congratulations, Zayra! Dave, tell her what she didn’t win. Dave was sorry to see her go since she is a compelling performer (translation: I wanna do ya) and she has star power (translation: would you like to see the couch in my office so we can talk about your “career” after Rock Star?). Jason sensed Dave as a threat and diminished him with a being in Metallica reference. Zayra loves everybody and is grateful for the roller coaster ride Suave Porn has given to her. Jason declared himself president of the Zayra fan club and changed the name on the Suave Porn scrapbook to Zeyeria (he doesn’t know how to spell Zayra). At he very end, Zayra exited with the final statement, “Good-bye evil world.” (Well, that’s what it sounded like to me.) To this, Dilana shed a tear. Everything was so sad, great white buffalo.