Rock Star - Aug 22 - Sid

Brooke promised that later in the show she would let us know how to be first to get tickets to the Totally Off The Hook Frickin’ Huge Massive Ass World Tour 2007. I’m definitely getting a t-shirt. Maybe I’ll even spring for the hoodie.

During the recap, an observant Mrs. F’er noticed that Storm was wearing Magni’s toque. I bet Mrs. Magni noticed, too, and he’ll have some ‘splaining to do when he gets back to Iceland.

At this point I noticed my writing getting very choppy. I was struggling. I couldn’t get my paragraphs to flow. I pounded my keyboard in frustration. Then I pulled out my Verizon VCast phone and downloaded Schoolhouse Rock’s Conjunction Junction video, and it really helped me work it out. Did you notice the use of the word “and” in that last sentence? That’s right – a conjunction.

Gilby was then asked to introduce us to his “little friend” and I quickly hit the mute button on my remote. It was obviously a panicked reaction that made little sense, but it turned out OK as we found out his “little friend” was none other than some mutt named Chopper. Very Paris Hilton, Gilby. Do you carry him around in your little Coach bag, too?

To the music:

Patrice – Beautiful Thing: As soon as I heard Peppermint Patti was doing an original, I knew she bought her bus ticket back to Austin. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. In fact, I think she would have totally won her high school talent show. But probably won’t cut it with Suave Porn. TLee thought it was too happy, but thought they could slow it down and make it work. Just like when Felix Unger wrote Happy and Peppy and Bursting With Love, but freaked out when Jaye P. Morgan broke it down and turned it into a smoky torch song. Yep, just like that.

Magni – Smells Like Teen Spirit: I see he got his toque back from Storm. Sure, the boy can sing, but I find myself going to alphabetize my CD collection while he’s performing. I’m not sure what I would alphabetize if I saw him live during the Totally Off The Hook Frickin’ Huge Massive Ass World Tour 2007. Dave told Magni that he wanted to see something broken on stage this season. I’m sure there will be a fight at the next song selection to see who gets to break something.

Ryan – It’s The End Of The World As We Know It: He totally re-arranged this REM tune, so much that I barely recognized it. I also think he missed a line – you know, the one that says, “That’s great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an aeroplane - Lenny Bruce is not afraid. Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn - world serves its own needs, don’t misserve your own needs. Feed it up a knock, speed, grunt no, strength no. Ladder structure clatter with fear of height, down height. Wire in a fire, represent the seven games in a government for hire and a combat site. Left her, wasn’t coming in a hurry with the furies breathing down your neck. Team by team reporters baffled, trump, tethered crop. Look at that low plane! Fine then. Uh oh, overflow, population, common group, but it’ll do. Save yourself, serve yourself. World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed. Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right - right. You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty psyched.” Other than forgetting that line, it really wasn’t that bad. Dave liked it so much that he gave Ryan his Native American name – Dark Horse, although I would have opted for Stumbling Kidney Stone.

Storm – Cryin’: Forget Aerosmith, I want to hear her sing some Zebra. Remember Zebra? I checked it out and if I plan my next trip to New Orleans right, I can catch them at the St. Cletus Festival in Gretna, Louisiana. I’m kind of sad for them. Storm’s glittery eye shadow was nice. Reminded me of a dancer I knew named Kashmir. But I digress. Unfortunately, I thought Storm got buried under the music like a filet mignon smothered in ketchup. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t eat filet mignon again.

Dilana – Every Breath You Take: Nothing gets a stadium full of metalheads crazier than some deep breathing exercises before each song. Maybe next week we can stretch so that we don’t pull any muscles in the mosh pit. Without Jill around to feel her wrath, Mrs. F’er has decided to transfer all her venom to Dilana. Or as she likes to call her – Di-lame-a. I think I know what she’s getting at – you pretty much know what every song is going to sound like as soon as she gets it. The same consistency and predictability that made McDonald’s frickin’ huge. If that’s the case, then maybe she’s the Royale with Cheese that Suave McPorn is looking for. I read that Sting averages $2,000 per day in royalties just for this tune. I think he needs to return the money today. Regarding the outfit, let’s just say that I can’t wait to hear what my buddies over at Rock Star: A Fashion Disaster have to say.

Toby – Layla: So the story goes that Eric Clapton wrote this song as a tribute to George Harrison’s wife, Layla Harrison. But few people knew that Layla first fell in love with George’s brother, ex-president Benjamin Harrison. When the Beatles hit it big, Layla left Benjamin for George, and Benjamin dedicated himself to pursuing the presidency to impress her so that when that the Beatles got dropped by their label and went back to their jobs as maternity nurses at Liverpool General Hospital, Benjamin would swoop in and take Layla to the White House. Well, we all know how that turned out. Benjamin Harrison was unable to successfully manage the tariff issues of the day, George Harrison finally scored a hit with Got My Mind Set On You, and, well, Eric Clapton, nobody knows where he is today. Layla, however, is waiting tables at Bob’s Steak and Chop House in Dallas, Texas. I wrote all that while Toby was singing because I really wasn’t that interested, and the parts I heard pretty much blew.

Lukas – All These Things That I’ve Done: This motherfucker rocked the sunglasses right off his head. However, I think Lukas might have tried to bomb tonight. Just to get it out of his system and get some bottom three experience while Patrice is still around to take the fall. Wise move, grasshopper.

Early Bottom Three: Patrice, Storm, Toby

Sid’s Bottom Three: Patrice, Storm, Lukas, with Patrice finally going home.