Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Rock Star - Aug 2 Moist Rub

Brooke must have gotten another zit on her forehead, because she had the combed over bangs curtaining her brow. I told her not to eat so much butter. When we were together, she used to eat it by the stick. Sometimes, she would bury a single kernel of corn in the middle of slab so she could claim she was eating a vegetable. I would tell her that corn is more of a starch than a vegetable. Invariably, she would strike me with a forearm shiver. Good times. I promised I would never tell anybody about the zits she would get on her butt because of the butter. So, I won’t.

Production note: They should modify the intro montage so that each disposed rocker has a red hatchet graphic over xe’s face, or at least a fake gash and dripping blood on their necks. And X’s on their eyes. And maybe a vulture picking at their skulls.

After the recaptivation from last night’s show, we got a glimpse of what went on in the mansion afterwards. Magni derided Lukas for not knowing the lyrics. Lukas professed that he now knows his downside: “I’m a dumbshit.” The first step is admitting it, little Lukas. The next step is covering it up with more make up and stranger hair. He consented that he deserved to be in the bottom three. He almost didn’t seem insincere, either. His problem is that he does not drink enough beer. That’s everybody’s problem. Ryan also said some crap. I wrote it down so I would never forget it. That was about it for the mansion voyeurism. They are not giving us much mansion insight.

Back in real taped time, Dave demanded that Lukas explain himself. You can’t tell by looking at him, but Lukas, as he claimed, is human, and humans like to screw up. If humans didn’t screw up all of the time, we wouldn’t need all of the other humans around to restore the norm. We would progressively need less and less people to make up for the decreasing shortcomings of the others until, ultimately, we would be left with one perfect being – Arnold Schwarzenegger. He does not watch the show. So, Lukas had to screw up to save the show. Lukas’ other mistake was forgetting to comb his hair after his second nap today. Although, Tlee liked Lukas’ hair that way, since he’s used to seeing a lot of people with bed head.

Next, Dave entreated Dana to share her tattoo with the universe. Dana exposed her right hip to show us her treble clef tattoo, freshly drawn with a ballpoint pen. Don’t lick it, Tommy, you’ll smear it! This symbol represents her commitment to her life’s obsession – Benny Goodman. Tlee suggested she tattoo the bass clef on her buttocks to complete the set. Dana, employing the class and sophistication she has acquired from this Rock Star experience, supposed the legitimacy of that suggestion by maintaining that low notes come from down there. She was referring to farts, of course, which was totally inappropriate. A lot of farts are high pitched, especially the ones you try to quell with your butt cheeks, which is something she should have tried doing to suppress that comment. This entire conversation is pointless since they never told us where she would place the alto clef, tenor clef, French clef, soprano clef, percussion clef, baritone clef, subbass clef and mezzosoprano clef tattoos. If those aren’t mapped out appropriately, there is no sense discussing where to put the first two.

Gibly asked Ryan why he didn’t fight to play with Tlee. Ryan said he didn’t want to look any gayer than he already does. Then Dave asked Patrice how it felt to play with Tlee, who Ryan is afraid to look gay with. She wanted to grow eyes in the back of my head, and I know what you did, Oh no no! Straight as an arrow, time to get the hell out. Patrice was up to the challenge of fronting Tlee since she believes that if you can’t pull it off, you shouldn’t be here. Dave agreed, told her she didn’t pull it off, kicked her off the show and made us watch a rerun of Everyone Loves Raymond for the remaining scheduled time. That Brad Garrett is so comical.

Finally, Tlee interrogated Magni about how Suave Porn is supposed to tour if their lead singer wants to raise monkeys in the Congo instead of traveling and banging all kinds of hotties. Magni jokingly thought their plan was to move to Iceland with him, where they can gig in both cities. Good one, Magni.

Before the show, Jason was flustered because he had run out of ideas on how to interact with the rockers in new and exciting ways. Brooke noticed his distress and ran her fingers through his Lovett-do. She instructed him to make the kids raise their hands. The rockers love doing that, and all the people at home enjoy seeing real life rocker arm pits. So, that is what he did when he asked the rockers who thought they deserved the encore. Most were timid, but I think Storm, Dana, Zayra, Ryan (coerced) and possibly Josh eventually conformed to his demand. Suave Porn berated the poor little rockers for their lack of assertiveness. It didn’t matter. Jason egged that it’s their show and they’ll decide who gets the encore no matter who hides their armpits. Jason chooses you, Pikachu, I mean, Ryan.

Before Ryan could enthrall us once again with his captivating interpretation of Losing My Religion (after he convulsed, “Where’s my piano, where’s my piano – the song is called losing my religion, not losing my piano, PEEPOLE! I can’t work like this!!!!! You people all suck, I’m better than all of you!!!!” ) (Gibly thinking, gee, this seems familiar.) Brooke intervened to tell us about the fantastic spaces.live.com where we can create rock star pages of everybody on the show, including her and that Butch producer guy who doesn’t come around anymore (where the hell did he go?), but you can’t put any of her nudey booby pictures out there, so why bother making a page for her. I wasn’t interested until Brooke stated that, with this web site, one could keep Rock Star in one’s life twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. That’s the kind of waste of time I’ve been looking for to enrich my life to the fullest extent. Consequently, I missed Ryan’s ryan-icent encore, but I did make a Matt Hoffer/Duran Duran page. It is fab. I’m trying to get Simon LeBon to autograph my computer screen when I have the page displayed.

Apparently, I have irritated the producers of this show with my Bird Ass Beans derivation of the Early Bottom Three term. They wouldn’t allow Brooke to announce the Bird Ass Beans tonight. It’s not going to work, Mark Burnett. You may have eliminated the Early Bottom Three, but Bird Ass Beans will live forever. I have tattooed it on George Burns’ head. Shoot, he’s dead. All right, I’ll find some other old celebrity that seems to be living forever to tattoo, like the Abe Vigoda potato. Instead, Brooke jumped right to the bottom three temporary and/or permanent denizens. They were: Toby, Jill, Dana, Zayra and Patrice. No Lukas. Suave Porn should have rock’n’rolled the rules and replaced Patrice with Lukas.

Jill walked the plank first. She’s always got that wonderful fake smile on her face, even in the most dire of circumstances. She sang Alone by Heart so that she could display the deep rich tones she had forgotten were in her purse. Suave Porn gave her a standing ovation. They must have been busy working on their space.live.com pages and weren’t listening. She over sang, again. I think Gibly wants her. Just a hunch.

Next, we learned that Toby and Dana skipped out on the House Band rehearsal. Dana, who was the next victim of voter scorn, admitted she went to a spa instead of rehearsal. It wasn’t actually a spa. Ryan and Toby made a mud hole in the backyard and told Dana it was a spa. Of course, she bought their story, got her rubber ducky and lived it up like the queen sow. To save her Rock Star life, she chose to sing House of the Rising Sun by The Animals. Fearing that Suave Porn would think she’s real old, like forty or something, Dana promised to add a modern vibe to this classic song. She began by ordering the audience to get up or have fun or put your hands up or eat something you look famished, something like that. Some of them accommodated. She did seem to take yet another step to the dark side with this performance. She may be able to get there if that is where she really wants to go. But, I don’t think she does want to go there. She may think she does, but she’s too na├»ve to know. I enjoyed her plea for clemency more than Jill’s.

Toby fell for the joke. Sit down, Toby.

It looks like the Vote For Zayra campaign is starting to get some wheels. Zayra did not make the bottom three this week. Patrice, who used wire nuts to comb her hair tonight, took the Zayra spot. She chose Eternal Life by Jeff Buckley, who drowned in a pool and does not have eternal life, unless you believe in an infinite afterlife, and then I guess he does. So, the direction of omen this song summons can go either way. Nothing special to report here. I think she sat right on top of that omen fence with her performance. She didn’t drown in a pool, so that’s a good thing.

Before Gibly gave his usual summation of the loser rocker self survival attempts, he announced that each remaining rocker will have to write words and melodies for one of their songs. They would have Tlee do it, but he can only think of three words that rhyme with penis. Gibly told Jill she’s made some horrible creative choices, including those shoes, but tonight she saved herself. That left Dana and Patrice. To Dana, he gave compliments on her development, but questioned if the show would last six years for them to realize the fruits of that development. For Patrice, he pondered how bad does somebody have to be if they end up in the bottom three when performing with Tlee. Maybe she should have chosen to sing Drum Solo yesterday.

Tlee, wearing his hood of devil horns, which actually look more like Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer pre-pubescent antler stubs, chopped off Dana’s music career head. Dave addressed the wound with encouraging words of balm. Dana was sincerely appreciative at the opportunity Suave Porn has given her. She commented on all the firsts she has achieved with this experience. I guess Tlee finally got her on the pool table.

10 comments:

AMAI said...

I'm first. WooHOO!!

AMAI said...

You could see the zits on Brooke? She's always at middle-distance on my TV.

The Hatchet idea is terrific. I hope they pay you for it.

Lukas' bed hair. Funny story, he woke up today and suddenly had the insight on how he could have sung Celebrity Skin. Actually go to bed with his make-up still on, and see how gross it felt in the morning.

I fully believe that Dana obtained her tattoo at the spa. She didn't draw it on herself; she had it professionally steamed on.

I'd like to see pictures of all those clef symbols. Some of them sound like fancy condoms.

That’s the kind of waste of time I’ve been looking for to enrich my life to the fullest extent.

Oh, LOL.

Dana needing 6 years, and all her firsts. I hope for her sake she didn't let Tommy do her on the pool table.

del said...

Poor Dana, trying to be a bad ass, she blows of rehearsal for a trip to the spa and she gets a tattoo that looks like it was drawn on with a pen. How authentic!

And Toby blew of rehearsal too, but they never specifically said what he was up to? Was he the one giving Dana her facial?

Sid F'er said...

Serious thanks for the recap. Due to a storm large in Lombard the satellite got knocked out during the Al Roker Den Post-Game Report and I didn't realize how much I missed.

HR said...

"They would have Tlee do it, but he can only think of three words that rhyme with penis."

Were they genus, venus, and hyenas?

bravebetsy said...

Is it just me or does Patrice look a little like Cheri Oteri during this performance....

http://rockstar.msn.com/gallery/patrice?photoidx=25

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://people.uncw.edu/tompkinsj/105/daybyday/flash/angelyn/collette.jpg&imgrefurl=http://chasecuts.blogspot.com/2005_06_01_chasecuts_archive.html&h=174&w=150&sz=10&hl=en&start=3&tbnid=bRL55Wf2Af3x_M:&tbnh=100&tbnw=86&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dcheri%2Boteri%26svnum%3D10%26hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26sa%3DG

I hope these links work...

I would've posted pictures, but it's not letting me cut and paste.

keysunset said...

red hatchet graphic over xe's face that would be interesting. And I think totally Suave Porn.

recaptivation ooh, love that!

real taped time ha ha ha ha! Love that, too!

The whole paragraph about Lukas, being human, ..., bed head. I near about laughed my bed head off.

Dana's tattoo was about as cute as Dana herself. And I think SP made up their mind right then that she was gonna get the "tommyhawk."

Thanks for the Lovehammers lyric reference. Makes life worth living, especially after watching this show.

As usual, brilliant, Moist. Why do I even watch the show ....

leplov said...

Tlee, wearing his hood of devil horns, which actually look more like Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer pre-pubescent antler stubs

How cool would it have been if Rudy's antler's glowed too!

I swear that could not have been a real tattoo on Dana. It would have been a little red around it or something I would think.

And that Brooke and her little "are you in the bottom or not" joke never fails! She is a comic genious, that Brooke Burke.

Please Stop, Ellie Mae said...

Speaking as the kind of nerd that likes Jeff Buckley a lot, he drowned in a river, not a pool. Dumbass thought he'd be able to swim against the current.

Jason chooses you, Pikachu, I mean, Ryan.

Thanks for that. Jason was probably seeing Pikachu, because that guy is on some SERIOUS coke.

L A Ray said...

Jeff Buckley or William F Buckley who gives a crap!?