Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Rock Star - Aug 23 - Sid

The show started out with the rockers in police lineup fashion. It didn't make sense that Patrice would be there. I mean, these guys were hard-core rockers, but there she was. She wasn't scared. She knew she hadn't done anything to embarrass herself. Besides, it was fun. She got to make like she was notorious.

After the formalities, Brooke took us to the mansion so we could see what the rockers have been up to. Check it out.

This is where I’m going to pretend that my broadcast was interrupted by some sort of severe weather alert, because, honestly, the whole Dilana thing is giving me tired head. I’m too old for his crap. This is how bad it is – I’m starting to like Ryan just because he can’t be bothered with this crap, either. In fact, he just kind of wandered off to play some solitaire on the computer when the rest of the house followed him over there so they could show him their awesome myspace sites. But the Rock Star producers intercepted them and made them look at livespace instead. Just like when your mom makes you a baseball mitt out of banana peels and some dental floss because it’s just as good as those mitts you can buy at the store. No wonder I never made the team. But I digress. Dave explained to the rockers, who have already had myspace sites set up since the late 80’s, how important it is to pay attention to fans that stalk you online. And then everybody yelled at Dilana a lot.

The rockers then took a field trip to Pulse Studios to audition for the next Suave Porn tune. Patrice thought these studio sessions were interesting because everybody is bringing a different flavor to Suave Porn. For some reason I think Patrice is bringing chicken. It got me thinking, so I dropped some acid and thought about what each rocker’s music would taste like. Patrice’s music, we already know, tastes like grilled chicken. Ryan’s music tastes like black licorice. Magni, Sno-Caps. Lukas, slightly burnt pizza crust. Toby, catfish. Dilana, fried rice. And finally, Storm, a bag of assorted Tootsie Pops. The original chocolate ones are still the best.

This week Suave Porn had a taste for catfish, and thus invited Toby to sing Be Yourself with them. I kind of liked the music – it reminded me of 999. But then Toby started singing and it didn’t remind me of 999 anymore, but more like that really good cover band that plays down at the marina in the summer and tries to slip in an original song every now and then to try and make up for having to play Mustang Sally for the five hundred and forty second time.

Next up – Media Day Recap. In case you didn’t see the mansion show or were drinking and blacked out, Dilana threw her housemates under the bus. All in an effort to be a mother dove to Lukas. Lukas didn’t want no stinkin’ dove, but if you wrap it in bacon and grill it up it’s not that bad. I learned that in Texas. You see, when it dove season you get up early and grab some beer and your gun and position yourself between the dove trees and a body of water. The doves wake up and need to get to the lake for a drink, and you try to shoot them before they get there. Then you drink beer all day, and wait for them to go back to their tree and try to shoot them again while laughing at how drunk your hunting buddy is. Then you get in your truck and drive home to feed any friends that don’t have a problem grilling and eating the symbol of peace and love. Good times. Oh, and Dilana got yelled at again.

On to the bottom three… we know the early birds – Patrice, Storm and Toby. They were also joined by Magni.

Magni – Fire: This is one of the first performances of Magni’s that I didn’t mind. Probably because Jimi is one of the coolest people ever and Magni didn’t fuck it up by trying to do the Devo version of it.

Patrice – Middle of the Road: Wow. Another cool tune, and I’m thinking she just might be able to pull this one off. Suave Porn asked, “Are you gonna do something, or just stand there and bleed?” Patrice apparently chose the latter and left me unimpressed again. Magni offered up his sleeve to help wipe up the bloody mess on her face and it led me to my next question – if the shirt goes up on eBay, does it fetch more or less with Patrice blood on it? – and it also disproves the maxim that there is no such thing as a dumb question.

Toby – Plush: I thought his voice fit the song well, but I wouldn’t be looking for any Camp Freddy invites if I were him.

Gibley’s Pre-Hatchet Recap: According to Jason’s journal, Patrice has been in the bottom three for four weeks and Magni for two weeks. Jason seems to have lost Toby’s records during the Vegas trip, so he gets to sit down by default.

Tommy tried to create some drama even though my grandma could tell you that Patrice was going home this week. Tommy tried to let her down easy with the old “it’s not you, it’s not me, it’s our goddam fans that won’t buy a ticket to see your coffee shop ass” speech. She put a finger on his lips and stopped him mid-speech to let him know it wasn’t necessary, kissed him gently on the forehead, slung her Gibson over her shoulder, and hitched a ride back to Austin. And… scene.

11 comments:

L A Ray said...

Didn't Dave invent the internet?

kristy said...

Ah, I love laughing out loud! What really got me:

"Just like when your mom makes you a baseball mitt out of banana peels and some dental floss because it’s just as good as those mitts you can buy at the store"

Magni being snowcap flavor.

And the excellent ending of Patrice walking off into the sunset.

Thank you : )

Anonymous said...

okay, that was weird.

I was reading your post and eating a chocolate tootsie pop, I swear to god.

They ARE the best, still!

Sid F'er said...

Plate o' shrimp, baby.

leplov said...

I don't know why but this is my favorite phrase...

"Check it out"

MMM said...

ARRRGGHH!! You’ve unleashed the dreaded monster ! Was it really necessary to send me off to bed with thoughts of Mustang Sally? There ought to be a law…

p.s. I’m not sure that anyone will catch it, but you used the term “really good cover band” in the same sentence.

p.s.s Shhhhh (my finger to your lip)…No need…you’ve already more than made up for it…

keysunset said...

As always, excellent.

I seem to enjoy Magni by spells, but last night he didn't leave me spellbound by his performance. Sno-cap flavor, though, that made me snort!

And I too LOVE the image of Patrice walking off into the sunset. Girl wasn't "roit" for Suave Porn, but she had some class ...

OH, and do you know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop (especially the chocolate ones, I love those, too!)? Or am I just dating myself again with old commercial references ...

AMAI said...

That wasn't a police lineup; it was another shoutout to me! Hobbits, face forward! Now, who is TOO SHORT for this band?

All that talk of food can't be good for you, Sid. You maybe shouldn't do the blog when you're hungry.

Patrice's departure scene reminded me of the end scene of The Incredible Hulk, but the Stewie-in-Family Guy version. I bet Magni was playing the haunting piano. He loves to provide accompaniment.

Another great blog, but Moist still gets the end pieces of meatloaf. Fair's fair. You're probably too full after all that other stuff you wrote about eating.

Anonymous said...

Why does Toby being catfish make sense to me?

Leper Hopeful said...

Several gems in this one.
3rd paragraph especially.
Hope Santa brings you a real mitt someday. Maybe if you quit dropping acid and killing doves.

bibi said...

"It's not you. It's not me. It's our fans who won't buy tickets to your coffee evs. ass." Very laugh out loud funny. Thank you.

Also, loved "Check it out."

Just so you know, when the time comes, in the back seat of ma car, I do not want to be praying in my fierce black hoodie. I'd like to be standing next to that Icelandic fire. Or something along those lines. That boy was damn good last night.