Rock Star - Aug 23 - Sid

The show started out with the rockers in police lineup fashion. It didn't make sense that Patrice would be there. I mean, these guys were hard-core rockers, but there she was. She wasn't scared. She knew she hadn't done anything to embarrass herself. Besides, it was fun. She got to make like she was notorious.

After the formalities, Brooke took us to the mansion so we could see what the rockers have been up to. Check it out.

This is where I’m going to pretend that my broadcast was interrupted by some sort of severe weather alert, because, honestly, the whole Dilana thing is giving me tired head. I’m too old for his crap. This is how bad it is – I’m starting to like Ryan just because he can’t be bothered with this crap, either. In fact, he just kind of wandered off to play some solitaire on the computer when the rest of the house followed him over there so they could show him their awesome myspace sites. But the Rock Star producers intercepted them and made them look at livespace instead. Just like when your mom makes you a baseball mitt out of banana peels and some dental floss because it’s just as good as those mitts you can buy at the store. No wonder I never made the team. But I digress. Dave explained to the rockers, who have already had myspace sites set up since the late 80’s, how important it is to pay attention to fans that stalk you online. And then everybody yelled at Dilana a lot.

The rockers then took a field trip to Pulse Studios to audition for the next Suave Porn tune. Patrice thought these studio sessions were interesting because everybody is bringing a different flavor to Suave Porn. For some reason I think Patrice is bringing chicken. It got me thinking, so I dropped some acid and thought about what each rocker’s music would taste like. Patrice’s music, we already know, tastes like grilled chicken. Ryan’s music tastes like black licorice. Magni, Sno-Caps. Lukas, slightly burnt pizza crust. Toby, catfish. Dilana, fried rice. And finally, Storm, a bag of assorted Tootsie Pops. The original chocolate ones are still the best.

This week Suave Porn had a taste for catfish, and thus invited Toby to sing Be Yourself with them. I kind of liked the music – it reminded me of 999. But then Toby started singing and it didn’t remind me of 999 anymore, but more like that really good cover band that plays down at the marina in the summer and tries to slip in an original song every now and then to try and make up for having to play Mustang Sally for the five hundred and forty second time.

Next up – Media Day Recap. In case you didn’t see the mansion show or were drinking and blacked out, Dilana threw her housemates under the bus. All in an effort to be a mother dove to Lukas. Lukas didn’t want no stinkin’ dove, but if you wrap it in bacon and grill it up it’s not that bad. I learned that in Texas. You see, when it dove season you get up early and grab some beer and your gun and position yourself between the dove trees and a body of water. The doves wake up and need to get to the lake for a drink, and you try to shoot them before they get there. Then you drink beer all day, and wait for them to go back to their tree and try to shoot them again while laughing at how drunk your hunting buddy is. Then you get in your truck and drive home to feed any friends that don’t have a problem grilling and eating the symbol of peace and love. Good times. Oh, and Dilana got yelled at again.

On to the bottom three… we know the early birds – Patrice, Storm and Toby. They were also joined by Magni.

Magni – Fire: This is one of the first performances of Magni’s that I didn’t mind. Probably because Jimi is one of the coolest people ever and Magni didn’t fuck it up by trying to do the Devo version of it.

Patrice – Middle of the Road: Wow. Another cool tune, and I’m thinking she just might be able to pull this one off. Suave Porn asked, “Are you gonna do something, or just stand there and bleed?” Patrice apparently chose the latter and left me unimpressed again. Magni offered up his sleeve to help wipe up the bloody mess on her face and it led me to my next question – if the shirt goes up on eBay, does it fetch more or less with Patrice blood on it? – and it also disproves the maxim that there is no such thing as a dumb question.

Toby – Plush: I thought his voice fit the song well, but I wouldn’t be looking for any Camp Freddy invites if I were him.

Gibley’s Pre-Hatchet Recap: According to Jason’s journal, Patrice has been in the bottom three for four weeks and Magni for two weeks. Jason seems to have lost Toby’s records during the Vegas trip, so he gets to sit down by default.

Tommy tried to create some drama even though my grandma could tell you that Patrice was going home this week. Tommy tried to let her down easy with the old “it’s not you, it’s not me, it’s our goddam fans that won’t buy a ticket to see your coffee shop ass” speech. She put a finger on his lips and stopped him mid-speech to let him know it wasn’t necessary, kissed him gently on the forehead, slung her Gibson over her shoulder, and hitched a ride back to Austin. And… scene.