Rock Star - Aug 8 Moist Rub

Dave started the show by attempting to clear the air about the rumors regarding the spawning condition of Brooke: “Hey, Brooke, word has it that somebody shot one past your goalie. It wasn’t me, was it?” For those of you thinking it was me, I’ll have you know that I am sterile. I’ve been microwaving the boys every morning for years. So, it wasn't me, and it's not because I didn't do her.

Before the performances, as habit would have it, we delved into the mansion webishow that nary a gathering of gazers are gaping. While Magni reunited and it felt so good with his family, Zayra explained that she dresses for herself on stage. She happens to enjoy the skank, space slut look. It makes her feel like a blossoming flower inside. The fact that it may entice some men who have always wanted to blast off into a Martian is something she has never considered.

Lukas was out back digging in the pool water trying to find some vocal sensitivity. “This is so frustrating,” he moaned, “every time I remove some water, it fills back up with other water. It’s almost as if the water is too fluid to hold it’s own shape.” Dilana was dumbfounded, no, bewildered, no, befuddled, no, all three with some stupefication mixed in, that nobody wanted the duet with Gibly on Won’t Get Fooled Again. The reason for the other’s chicken shitness is clear. There are ten contestants remaining. It’s still “get lost in the crowd” time. The upside of cranking out a tune with a Suave Porn does not out weigh the nega-bedlum that would ensue if xe would tank in front of a Suave Porn. It’s a simple exercise in cost-benefit analysis. Or is it risk assessment? Or is it a Net Present Value calculation? Or is it hiding from a gaggle of balloons? No need to get noticed yet. They won’t remember this performance much in six weeks if you do well, but they’ll remember it tomorrow at hatchet time if you drop ass on it. Dilana received a personal V-Cast message from Gibly telling her he can’t wait to jam with her. How did he know she got that song? That V-Cast must be amazing. You should get one.

Dave was stunned at the Sir Robin behavior of the non-Dilana rockers, and declared Dilana the winner. Gibly wondered if they’d still get paid for the remaining weeks if Dilana became the lead singer today. When they told him no, he told Dave to shut the hell up. So, they made everybody sing again.

Dilana – Won’t Get Fooled Again by The Who. Gibly began the intro riff showered in spotlight. He was equipped with a camera on the head of his guitar to make the home audience dizzy from his dazzling fretwork. Dilana oozed from the darkness wearing her Axl-esque head band and white person dreads. Gibly spent most of the time chasing Dilana around the stage trying to pre-emptively grind on her, so he wouldn’t have to face that female grinding degradation again. Those wounds from Jill run pretty deep. She was too quick, using her African bush navigating experience to out wit him. Rock and roll fashion note: Skull hair clips are cool. Dilana didn’t have to work too hard with this song. All she had to do was bask in its energy and try not to screw it up. She added some Dilanedge to it, which was nice, but I think she overdid it with the “heys” and the “yeahs”. Dave claimed it looked like a rock show more than an audition, and declared her the winner, yet again. Gibly jammed his wristband into Dave’s mouth. Tlee wondered if it was good for her, too, which is the first time he’s ever done that. Gibly proclaimed that, after that performance, he has no doubt a woman could front Suave Porn, which would indicate that he did have some doubt prior to that, the chauvinist swine. Jason updated the Rock Star killer moments list. He’s quite an amateur records clerk in his free time.

Jill – Mother Mother by Tracy Bonham. I didn’t realize Jill had been sitting on the stage floor at the beginning of the song until she stood up. Jill conjured the living ghost of Alanis Morissette to help her repine her way through her performance. To further try to fool everyone that she wasn’t really Jill, who everybody hates, she wore some Avril Levigne boots to anchor her footing on the stage. She had me fooled until she unleashed her horrid screams. Yeah, that’s Jill. Not too many screams, but enough to reveal the Jilliness. She made Dave “Ooooo” with her jump into the crowd. Dave admitted that he fears for his life while she sings. Tlee commented that it was her best so far, which means she’s next on the pool table. Jason warned her about keeping the physical/voice karma steady, because she lost some vocal power with some of her on stage athletics. He suggested she train by singing the Star Spangled Banner while doing squat thrusts. Did you know that the Star Spangled Banner was written in Baltimore? I heard that somewhere.

Ryan – Paint It Black by The Rolling Stones. Where’s Ryan? He’s not on the stage. How is he going to sing if we don’t know where he is? This is mystifying. Ryan was lost back stage in Cleveland. With the help of the directions from a maintenance worker, he finally appeared, dressed as a Momenschance reject without the toilet paper roll on his face. He had missed the first verse of the song, so he began at the chorus. Ryan abruptly removed his Mo-hood, and we discovered some prankster had coated the inside of his swimming goggles with charcoal. He fell for that joke, but he wouldn’t roll a quarter down his nose. OK, I’ll admit it. Even with the hokey theatrics, he had good energy, sound, emotion and stage presence. Dave questioned what the hell happen to your face, Ryan. Ryan: what? (He still didn’t know about the goggles, tee hee!). Tlee attributed Ryan’s “dope” performance to him getting laid after last week’s piano concerto. I like the way Tlee unifies each episode from week to week.

Storm – We Are The Champions by Queen. The only time I’ve every thoroughly enjoyed this song was last October when the Chicago White Sox won the World Series. And that was only because I was drunk and hugging other men. Tonight kept that record in tact. It’s not that I hate this song, but Queen has so many other better songs, and this is the only one we ever get to hear. Sure, as Dave stated, this is a good song for Storm to show off her vocal range and power, but it bores me. She did enhance it a little by adding an a cappella interlude. That was refreshing. Then she chose to kneel down and break bread with the audience at the front of the stage to add some togetherness to the vibe (she was still taller than Jill). Tlee was afraid that the Suave Porn comments from last week may have scared her away from the Rock. She kissed his ass by offering to spank it. Good move.

Zayra – All The Young Dudes by David Bowie. By Mott the Hoople. Zayra adopted the Mott the Hoople glam look to portray this song. To spice things up she chose to go with gold body paint instead of wearing an actual outfit. This was good to see, because she’s been pretty bland up until now. Since the houseband always plays on key, Zayra asked Magni to join in and play guitar off key using one of those crazy Icelandic music scales to make her sound in tune, or at least not as out of tune as the band. It worked. As usual, here eccentric execution bemused many and probably irritated many more. But not this gentle blogger. Although this wasn’t her best, it was interesting and entertaining. But it’s still not Suave Porn. Enjoy it while it lasts. Dave suggested she check out opportunities on the planet Pluto. Gibly digs her showwomanship, and mocked her for being flat chested. I’m telling you, between this and that comment to Storm – the dude’s a pig, man. Tlee likes her confidence, but, unadmittedly, fears it. Jason continued to drool on himself.

Josh – Interstate Love Song by Stone Temple Pilots. Hold on there, Joshmonigan, Tlee wants to play drums. Josh told him to “get out”. I’m pretty sure he was serious about it. Luckily for Josh, we couldn’t see him peeing in his pants because he wore a guitar swung kinda down low. This also prevented Josh from taking advantage of the added energy sparked by Tlee’s presence to truly rock out. Again, Josh highlighted his rock singing with some Aaron Neville frost, but balanced it with some gritty vocal back combing. Not bad. Dave agreed with me, and added it may not be good enough. Tlee thought Josh froze up the funk by hiding behind the guitar. Gibly disagreed, since he’s been waiting all season for Josh to pee in his pants. Jason warned everybody that they’ll never know who may play with them. Who knows, Yanni may even show up.

Magni – Dolphin’s Cry by Live. It’s hard to tell if a dolphin is crying since they always have a smile on their faces, which are always wet from the water. Except for those beached dolphins who are dried up by the sun, but I’m pretty sure they’re not crying since they’re dead. So, I’m not sure why there was a need for Live to write this song, but they did, so Magni sang it. He took the solo acoustic route. Marty did it first. But, Magni did it well, too, since the sight of his son wearing baggage handler protective headphones inspired him. He was so happy that his son was able to procure employment so he wouldn’t be deported. Magni is an encore candidate this week. He was so intense I thought the vein in the left side of his skull was going to burst into flames. That would have been so rock and roll. Sadly, Magni was not dedicated enough to do it. I’m sure Suave Porn deducted points for it. Everybody loved him and there was much rejoicing.

Patrice – Instant Karma by John Lennon. Patrice is inconsistent. Admittedly, I have a thing for her, but I can also admit that many of her performances leave me flat. Some of them leave me spent, but my mother told me not to talk about that in public. Tonight, she left me flat and with blue balls. At some moments, I felt she was about to blow us out of the water, but she never finished the job like when she assaulted the mic stand to the front of the stage but inadvertently lowered it, forcing her to hunch over to sing into it. To make up for it, she should have hurled the mic stand across the stage afterwards. Like Josh, Patrice chose to pee in her pants and had to wear a guitar to cover it up. I don’t know why these Rockers opt for the guitar. If Suave Porn wanted to hire a singer guitarist, they would call Roy Clarke, who will help them write the Suave Porn big boner guitar book. Sadly, I think she’s destined for the bottom three again. Other people don’t see her like I see her. Dave thought this was an excellent song choice for her, and Patrice kissed his ass accordingly. Gibly didn’t think she deserved to be in the bottom three last week. Do you hear that people? Vote for her. Gibly says so. Do it. Don’t make me have to do it.

Lukas – Creep by Radiohead. More double nap bed head tonight. He’s working hard. Tonight, we were pleased to welcome the sensitive Lukas. He was delicate, tender and sore. I could feel it right through my television set. No, wait, that was the pizza man’s gruff but lovable whiskers. Lukas did deliver some heartfelt heartfeltness tonight. That is, until his spaz out where he employed the malfunctioning robot dance. I’m guessing there were some broken cogs on his joint sprockets. That’s what it looked like to this robot layman. At the end of the song, Lukas winked at us when he sang the lyric, “I don’t belong here” so that we would know that he wasn’t serious about that statement. Tlee thought the song gave him goosebumps until he realized they were due to the body paint melting of Zayra because of the hot lights. Dave queried where was that sensitive Lukas hiding. Lukas admitted that he was hiding beneath the stairs in him pajamas with cigarette burns on his neck. Gibly confessed that he never knows what comes next because of the giant bag of pot he just ate. Jason, Lukas’ mentor, told his young grasshopper that he finally snatched the pebble from his hand.

Toby – Burning Down the House by Talking Heads. This song always reminds me of frat parties in college. I wasn’t invited to them. I would be walking by and this song was always blaring out the windows while hot sorority girls would taunt me with their Greek letters undulating on their asses. Dude. Toby funked it up. He funked it up good. He made me like this song. I’m giving him the encore – even with the megaphone, which I don’t think was necessary, but it didn’t bother me, either. The siren at the end was bodaciously rad. It bothered Dave, until the audience and Jason told Dave to get lost.

My speculation for the Bird Ass Beans was Jill, Patrice and Josh, since I forgot about the slow start those Vote For Zayra campaigners get because they can’t start voting until all of the tequila and banana liqueur is gone. Hence, the Bird Ass Beans were actually Jill, Zayra and Patrice. Josh will eventually replace Zayra. That’s my guess. Pour Patrice will remain in the bottom three because nothing I ever like becomes popular. I remember that Don Rickles sitcom called CPO Sharkey back in the late seventies/early eighties. I liked that, and it was cancelled before the first season was over. By the transitive property of CPO Sharkey, that makes Patrice Don Rickles, ya hockeypuck. Don Rickles can't sing and nobody would vote for him on this show. But I love him.