Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Rock Star - Aug 29 - Sid

It was a crazy week in the mansion. Check this out. It’s all covered in our previous posts down below. We just don’t subject you to the same crap over and over just to sell more advertising. In fact, I was just talking to Moist Rub on our VCast phones about this. I directed him to my MSN livespace account where I previewed my blog for him, and he agreed that we shouldn’t be corporate whores like Suave Porn. He was so adamant about this that he wrote a protest song on his Gibson guitar. So I took a ride over to his house in my Honda Passport to hear it. It kind of sucked – he should stick to power ballads. The dude is a master. But I digress.

So speaking of gigundus breasts, either that dress that Brooke was wearing creates an optical illusion of enormous proportions and will soon become a best seller or else I’m guessing she’s at least 8 weeks.

Lukas – Lithium: Now that we’re down to six, we get to spend a little time getting to know our rockers. We learn that our little rocker likes basketball, probably because he dominates the under 12 league that he sneaks into each year. He also likes video games, so I hope he has a PSP for those hard times living in his car. I can’t see an Xbox 360 fitting too well on the dashboard of his Volkswagen Rabbit. He also admitted to working at Hooter’s, and I was picturing him in tight orange shorts and a hot little tank top until he clarified that he was the one frying the wings. But I think he still wore the orange shorts and hot little tank top. Damn, I wish I had Photoshop. I’m not sure why I’m ripping on him – he’s not turning out quite as obnoxious as I originally thought. However, he still hasn’t sold me on the whole rock star thing. First, there’s no crying in baseball, and there’s no piano in Nirvana. His performance reminded me Paul Anka’s cover of Smells Like Teen Spirit, which is cool if you’re Paul Anka but not if you’re trying to hang with Suave Porn. So I thought. They seem to love the little bastard, which proves that you should never listen to anything I say. Ever.

Magni – I Alone: Magni, feeling the pressure of being in the bottom three, decided to use his time to campaign as our Icelandic hero feels like a victim of nationalism. He accused Toby of banging kangaroos, Lukas of having herring breath, and Ryan of being a dirty American, and promised pickled ram testicles and foot rubs to anyone that would vote for him. Except for Dilana – she has dirty feet. This week his fans voted for him to sing a Live tune, since it’s obviously written for bald dudes to sing. Fortunately for him, his fans’ flawed reasoning turned out OK and he turned in another Magni-like performance. Last year JD tossed cash around during Money and ended up winning. Since this song is off of Throwing Copper, Magni should have thrown pennies at the crowd. That’s just the kind of cheesy creativity Suave Porn is looking for.

Ryan – Clocks: First, he Billy Joel-ed the ivories, then he threw his bench like a deranged homeless dude, slipped a token in the piano for a quick game of Dance Dance Revolution atop his steed, Van Halen-ed back down to the stage, stumbling kidney stoned around, Roger Daltry-ed the mike, Starsky and Hutched back over the piano, plinked around like Schroeder, Army Rangered back on top, and finally leapt back down like a girl on a trampoline. Suave Porn loved it. Except for Jason, but he doesn’t count.

Storm – Bring Me To Life: Wow. I just realized I didn’t have any notes from this performance. That doesn’t mean it was bad. This kind of stuff happens all the time on conference calls and meetings at work. Everybody drones on (not that Storm droned on – I kind of liked the performance) and it doesn’t seem important to write anything down and then like three months later some little detail suddenly becomes relevant and I have a legal pad filled with sketches of Jessica Rabbit. So then I have to try to divert people’s attention by pulling coins out of their ears and singing college fight songs. However, I do remember that Suave Porn did hire Toby on the spot as backup singer for their upcoming world tour.

Toby – Rebel Yell: Toby tried to sell himself as the fun lovin’ frat guy. I’m sure Jason would love nothing more than to have Toby smash him in the face with cake and then chase Gibly around backstage wearing nothing but a cock ring and a smile. I don’t think this song is much of a challenge and Toby was able to do a nice job and still have time to pull half a dozen trollops on stage to bounce around with him. This display, along with Toby’s penchant for nudity, earned him God’s blessings from TLee.

Dilana – Mother Mother: I noticed Gibly checking his watch before Dilana started. I assume that he wanted to get home to start making the punch for the Emmy party he was throwing that night. My invite got lost in the mail. But I digress. Dilana started out playing guitar and I was worried she might be an overkicker. I saw Heart in concert once and Nancy Wilson is an overkicker. For some reason chicks feel the need to get all Kung Fu whenever they try to rock out on guitar. But Dilana finally reeled her leg back in and started head banging, which was very reminiscent of the old bass player from White Zombie, and thus earned my approval. However, when she was done with the guitar, she stopped down the performance to put it back where she found it as if she were doing some light housekeeping. Then standing atop an amp, she put her leg over Sasha’s shoulder like an old pal might do more traditionally with xe’s arm. Sasha smiled politely and slowly backed away, not unlike I do when offered pickled ram testicles. Dave, in a classic knee-jerk reaction, declared it the best performance in the last two seasons. The Suave Porn was afraid to disagree for fear of looking stupid after such a glowing endorsement.

Early Bottom Three: Storm, Ryan, Lukas
My Prediction: Storm, Ryan, Magni

I think Toby should go home next, but his fans will save him. Unfortunately, that means Storm might have to leave. And that makes me sad. But she probably misses her Balls, so it’s not all bad.


Leper Hopeful said...

Loved the product placement (1st paragraph) bit. (Moist doing a protest song is really funny - not sure why exactly, but I feel it).

The Lukas/hooters thing was well done. That 'I worked at Hooters' line was begging for a good joke. A picture would be great, someone...anyone...?

Ryan paragraph, awesome. Loved the description of his moves.

Storm's performance you nailed for me - I couldn't put words to how I felt, but luckily Sid has explained it - non note taking performance - and now I can sleep.

"wearing nothing but a cock ring and a smile...Toby was able to...pull half a dozen trollops on stage to bounce around with him"
cock ring...hehe ahehhehe...i have nothing intelligible to say, just keep chuckling to myself and repeating 'trollops' and chuckling, or perhaps guffawing, some more

I was mocking Dilana for putting the guitar down like it was a newborn (time enough for that when Brooke's water breaks) - glad someone else mentioned that as I forgot to.

Etc, etc, etc. Well done Sid. In fact, so well done, you might want to consider a career frying wings at Hooters ;)

del said...

You nailed them again... I speak figuretively of course.
she stooped down to put it back where she found it as if she were doing some light housekeeping I really enjoyed her performance up to this point... but that moment was so unrockstarlike I couldn't believe SP didn't comment. And poor Sasha. Although he must have been relieved it wasn't Storm. She might have crushed him.

keysunset said...

heh, heh, great job Sid! As usual.

Dave, in a classic knee-jerk reaction, declared it the best performance in the last two seasons. Dave, the rest of Suave Porn as well, is getting old (heh, heh) with the way they hand kudos out like oriental food samples in the food court at the mall.

bibi said...

Any excuse to see Sasha's beautiful face full on is fine with me. Now if Dilana had tried wrapping her OTHER leg around him, we might have had a real show going.

Why on earth would Storm opt to abandon her beloved Balls for SN? What a hoot!

The Ryan description is hysterical. But then Ryan is sooooo other.

AMAI said...

Another priceless blog! The Ryan paragraph - best paragraph in two seasons of the show.

As for Toby, even if his fans didn't save him, he still wouldn't be going home next. SP like him, and he's a Contender. Plus, he's so "them." Jason being the only one who appears capable of appreciating real creativity wasn't enough to keep Zayra longer than Patrice. But his vote DOES count. He said so himself.

I really didn't want to think about Toby wearing a cock ring. On the other hand, I may be the only person willing to think of Lukas that way.

leplov said...

So speaking of gigundus breasts...

Excellent segway Sid! (And I'm not talking about the scooter).

And I will repeat what the others have said because you deserve it - that Ryan description was off the hook, dude!! Huge!!

I was also a bit perplexed by the judo kicking Dilana started with. Love the term "overkicker"! Glad she put a stop to it because it seriously creeps me out.

Savvy1007 said...

I think Magni is next...

and what would we do without your endearing snarky recaps... ummmmmmm take this show too seriously that's what!!!

Savvy1007 said...

oh yeah...

another Supernova anagram name...

"Avon Purse"

Leper Hopeful said...

Avon purse seems about right somehow.

Perhaps Storm & Lukas can form some sort of support group - apparently they are both missing their balls.

Leplov - overkicker, agreed, Sid had a winner with that one.

AMAI said...

Then there's "Apron Vues," which is what the Canadian government will force them to be called if Lukas wins, to satisfy the need to be "half English, half French." It blends well with Nanny Moments (tm Dagny), doncha think, Sid?