Rock Star - August 1 Moist Rub

There are many things to cheer for in life: war heroes’ triumphant return home, magnificent and inspiring speeches, children’s dance recitals, amazing musical performances, death defying feats of stupidity, exciting sporting events, hot chicks walking past a construction site, a well cooked juicy chunk of pig ass. Tonight, the Rock Star audience cheered for a set of drums. They were Tlee’s drums, but drums, not being played, just sitting there, nonetheless. I have never seen that before. I can scratch that off the list of things I want to see before I die. Next on the list is a floating harbinger of Indra. Wait a minute, I’ve seen plenty of those – every time a storm front comes in. I just forgot to cross it off my list. I’m guessing the Animal Muppet doll hanging from the bass drum encouraged most of the cheers, but that one guy with the Ivory Soap t-shirt – he was cheering for the drum set alone. I could tell. He was leering longingly at the wing nut on the high-hat. Have you ever seen a guy mouth a wing nut? I have. I’ve already crossed it off my list.

Brooke finally cleared all the zits from her forehead, so she felt confident enough to wear her hair pulled back on the top. Made me think I could possibly have a crush on Pat Riley someday. Let’s hope not. She talked us down off the mansion recap ledge and cradled us safely into tonight’s performances.

Patrice – Higher Ground by Stevie Wonder. She wants to show Suave Porn that she can rock with them and not just at them when trying to save her life in the bottom three. As we all know, the best way to do that is to fashion your hair into a Mohawk and jump on the drum rise. So that’s what she did. She’s a textbook rocker. She added some Pat Benatar posture into the mix, rather than jumping around like Granny Clampet. This was well received by the band. I would have rather seen the Granny Clampet stomp. Patrice’s voice sounded great, but she didn’t emit enough energy. She tried. I think she’s more comfortable on stage behind a guitar. Dave liked her vocal, but warned all rockers about the danger of performing in front of Tlee, because of his urine dousing habit whenever a mating opportunity presents itself (which is pretty much all of the time as Tlee sees it). Tlee thought it was damn fun to rock with Patrice, but admitted he sinks into his own little world when drumming so didn’t experience much of her performance. I get the same way when writing this blog, which is why my dogs are on fire, the kitchen is filling up with water and my kids are on the roof landing helicopters on a spray painted helipad.

Josh – Santeria by Sublime. Josh didn’t get upset when the House Band started playing at the wrong time. Rather, he stepped up and took blame for himself. What a guy. I am not familiar with this song. Josh seemed like he knew what he was doing with it, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. He sounded good, and he displayed more confidence than in past performances. I have confidence, too. I’m confident that Suave Porn isn’t looking to go in this direction, so we’ll enjoy his voice for a little while longer until the riff raff is cleared. Then we’ll look for him on our favorite light rock radio stations. After Josh took blame for the House Band’s screw up, Dave scolded him, “Nobody cares about that, munchy!” Tlee missed the song since he was sitting on a beach slurping foo foo drinks. Jason encouraged Josh to “keep bringing your thing”. What about the Suave Porn thing, Jason? Don’t you want him to bring that? Isn’t that what you told the axed rockers? How do you spell hippocrit? Hypocrite. No, that’s high-poe-crite. No, that’s how you spell it. Really? Yeah. It looks weird.

Dilana – Can’t Get Enough by Bad Company. Dilana wore the outfit Rob Halford’s been trying to fit into all of these years – ever since he came out of the closet. I hope he didn’t see this episode. He’d be so discouraged. You keep trying, Rob. To enhance her straight ahead, kinda bland, rendition, Dilana chose to wade through the crowd to the Suave Porn perch. Yes, I said “kinda bland”. She was good, as usual, but I didn’t sense the Dilana edge I’ve felt with her other songs. Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I wasn’t paying enough attention. Maybe I need to find something else to do with my time, is that what you are saying? Fine, I’ll go back to combing rich people’s back hair. Dilana returned to the stage riding the shoulders of some young buck. It may have been her guitar player from Holland. Dave asked Dilana if those where his pants. No, Dave. They are Rob Halford’s pants. We've already covered that. Stop bringing them up. You’ll make him feel bad. He thought she killed it – the song, not the pants. Tlee thought it was tight, but we aren’t sure to what he was referring, exactly. Gibly always tried to imagine what her ass would look like if she was in front of them. Now he knows.

Toby – Pennyroyal Tea by Nirvana. I was on some web site today reading a mystic medium’s transcription of Kurt Cobain’s thoughts from beyond the grave. Did I dream that? I’m pretty sure I was awake all day. I forgot what she said he said, but it was pretty silly. He was hanging out with one of the apostles and Bo Derek. Toby took his pet mic stand for a walk around stage. When he let it go, it went running back to Sasha, who feeds it more often that does Toby. Speaking of Sasha, what’s with the hood fad? First Dilana, then Tlee and now Sasha? Am I going to have to restructure my wardrobe again. Twice in forty years. Damn. Dave thought Toby’s voice sounded good, but his walk in the crowd, after Dilana’s stroll, was anti-climatic, until he accosted that chick he didn’t know. Dave likes anonymous audience molesting, and why shouldn’t he? Tlee kept saying “Elo Mate, Elo Mate, Elo Mate, Elo Mate, Elo Mate, Elo Mate,” until the batteries finally wore out on his microphone. Jason liked the way Toby let the audience in and how he let the sunshine in, the suuuuuuuun shine iiiiiiiiiiiinnnnn.

Zayra – 8675309 Jenny by Tommy Tutone. I know there is a contingent out their voting for Zayra just to keep her on the show to piss everybody off, but I can honestly say that this was my favorite song of the night. On the webified mansion episode, they showed the House Band scoffing at Zayra’s proposed changes as she tried to mold the song into her idiom. Specifically, I liked the rhythm guitar during the verses suggestion she made. They didn’t like that at all. But I did. Zayra donned her eighth grade Leopard Girl Super Hero Halloween costume, complete with cape and ass-kick thigh boots. Her mom had sent it to her in a care package with dried plums and microwave popcorn. The camera kept showing Jason getting off during the song. I couldn’t tell if it was her performance or the outfit. Dave and the Porn were so discombobulated with her act that they had to cut to commercial to regroup. I think this was a planned production scheme to keep us in suspense. You can’t trick me. Dave praised her for changing it up every week. Gibly thought her vocals were off (they’re always off, Gibly, that’s her thing – just like Neil Young), but he wants to keep her around just to see what she’s gonna do, plus they need her presence for the discord drama. Tlee has a mud wrestling pool in his dressing room, which explains his flawless complexion.

Magni – Clocks by Coldplay. Magni air punched the audience to try to fool them into believing this song has any clout. You can tell he purposely played to the audience after being reprimanded for singing solely to his Uncle Hjorter last week. To cover up his frailty on the high notes, he asked the audience to make some noise. This is not a “make some noise” song. To top of this pablum performance, we had to endure the lyric, “Home, where I wanted to be” at the end to remind us that his son is growing up fatherless and has already learned from Uncle Hjorter how to de-blubber a whale. Suave Porn did not agree with me. They loved themselves some Magni. They even fell for the sob story and decided to truck Magni’s family in on a salmon freighter, but they will have to operate the cranes when they reach port before the Honda Ridgeline picks them up.

Jill – Don’t You Forget About Me by Simple Minds. I look forward to the day when I do forget about you. Jill’s idea of rockin’ out is screaming. And grinding. Screaming and grinding may seem like rock and roll to Anne Murray, but I believe Suave Porn knows better. Her bare mid riff and her Austin Powers jog on stage could not distract Suave Porn from realizing that she is nothing more than Cathy Lee Gifford in a smaller package. She is destined for the bar circuit or morning talk TV. Dave wanted to go get a beer. Jill actually inspired Tlee to have a relevant point about the sexiness of the low register in this song, which she trampled with her high pitched yelps. Gibly claimed that Jill over sang the song and that she’s better than that. I don’t think she is.

Ryan – Losing My Religion by R.E.M. Ryan chose to finger the 88’s tonight. This saved us from having to watch him angst ridden himself around the stage. Consequently, he was able to concentrate on his voice and belted out his best go so far this season. He unleashed some unknown vocal power tonight. Unfortunately, I’ve already seen this act when Bush did Glycerine. Dave and Jason loved Ryan’s rendition. It reminded Tlee of a sensitive piano song he has written for Suave Porn. Yes, you all know it is called Lick My Love Pump.

Lukas – Celebrity Skin by Hole. Let me call Nate, the drummer, and ask him how Lukas did tonight, since he's the only one that witnessed his performance. Lukas spent most of the time singing to him. Maybe he felt sorry for him because Nate is always hidden behind the drums at the back of the stage. When Lukas wasn’t serenading Nate, he was walking back and forth on stage like a caged lion on the brink of insanity who doesn’t realize people are watching him. It’s obvious that Lukas doesn’t care about the audience and feels that they are there for him rather than the other way around. Dave roasted him. Gibly spanked him for showing his ass to us all night. Lukas claimed his underwear was too tight and made him uncomfortable with the lyrics, which caused him to sing to Nate. Lukas instantaneously learned not to wear tight underwear. I think jamming him into the bottom three might teach him some more valuable lessons, like maybe humility.

Storm – Changes by David Bowie. Storm was one classy dame tonight. I remember when she came into my office one day, dressed like that, and asked me to find the man that murdered her husband. I called her “doll” and then informed her I was a meter maid and couldn’t help her. She has now showed her softer side, and that’s plenty for me. No need to show us any more. It was nice and dramatic and vulnerable and all that, but it filled my quota. The highlight was when she sang, “Look out you rock and rollers” and looked over to the Al Roker den, where Patrice said, “OK, Storm, will do.” Jason cheered unconsciously. I didn’t know if it was for Storm or Tlee’s drum kit. Dave spooged and Gibly thought it was risky for her to strip down, but she did it great, man.

Dana – Baba O’Riley by The Who. You gotta love that feigned, dirty, determined face of Dana. Oooo, she’s angst ridden, all right. When you want to show the world you are a rocker, it helps if you have a chain attached to your belt loop. Those aren’t allowed in my son’s high school, so you know they are anti-establishment. Good fashion call, Dana. She sounded good, but I’m not buying it. She’s not authentic. It still seems like she’s performing in a high school play. Dave thought she did pretty well. Tlee asked her why she chose that song, since three years ago she was a teenager. Good math is an important skill for drummers. They have to count to four. She said she wanted to do a physical performance. That is why Pete Townsend wrote it – for his Jazzercise video. Gibly commended her for being a rebel, to which she replied that she plans to get a tattoo tomorrow. Tattoos aren’t rebellious anymore, Dana. Everybody has them. My kids even have them. When they were young I had “My dad is a prick” tattooed on the middle of their backs, where they can’t see it. So, when they want to get a tattoo in a few years, I’ll tell them they already have one and quash their insurgence. I really am a prick.

The Bird Ass Beans (accent on the “ass”, as in “bird ASS beans”) were Toby, Zayra and Jill. Looks like the Vote for Zayra campaign got a late start. But, I’m rooting for them. I predict the bottom three will be….I have no idea. Storm, Dilana and Ryan, how’s that? I’m never correct, anyway. I don’t know how people think. If it were up to me, it would be Jill, Lukas and Dana. Jill is going home. The boys in the house will achieve a futile victory. Zayra should get the encore, but it will probably be Ryan because Tlee wants him to do the song again so they can both get laid.