Sunday, September 25, 2005

Sid's Fall Preview - Mondays

Assuming that you’re un-American and don’t watch Monday Night Football, here are your options:


Medium – Just how I like my steaks. But if you’re psychic you already knew that. There’s an idea for a theme restaurant – psychic waiters so you don’t have to order. The food just shows up. Where’s the mystery in a detective show if the psychics already know it all? This show should be 5 minutes long. It’s not, so I’m out.

Arrested Development – There’s a sunglasses store at the mall where I work and the owner is a marketing genius. He only hires amazingly hot girls to work there. At any given time, you can see the guys lined up there, trying on sunglasses, and whipping out the credit cards thinking that they’re going to get laid for buying them. They don’t, the amazingly hot girls rack up the commissions, and the owner grows richer. What the hell does this have to do with Arrested Development? Calm down and I’ll get to it. So there was this one girl that worked there that looked like someone famous, but I just couldn’t figure it out. Then about six months later, it came to me – she was a perfect brunette copy of Charlize Theron. I was never a big fan of Charlize or familiar with her work, but became a fan once I figured out the connection. Anyway, the sunglasses girl eventually quit, but the store replaced her and is still racking up sales. Arrested Development was a great show before they added Charlize this year and will continue to be a great show. And I still look great in my new sunglasses.

King of Queens – I don’t remember why, but I watched this show for the first time earlier this year. It didn’t suck, but there are so many other worthwhile things you could do for that 30 minutes. Like sit-ups. Or at least switch to the Discovery Channel and impress your coworkers the next day with your knowledge of world pestilence.

One on One – I’m not really sure what’s going on here, but the stars kind of look like a young Tiger Woods and a young Janet Jackson. If that’s your thing, check it out.

7th Heaven – One of the biggest beatings that network television can deliver. For some reason, Mrs. F’er watched some of this series in the first or second season. Not religiously, but enough for me to want to drown Simon, kick Matt in the nuts repeatedly, bitch slap Mary, deport Lucy to a third world country, lock Ruthie in a dark closet, send the twins to be raised by Angelina Jolie, and force the Reverend and his wife into the federal witness protection program never to be heard from again. Speaking of the Reverend, be sure to check out Sid’s favorite stand-up comic – Bill Burr. He’s got a new special out on HBO that is not to be missed. Even better live if he comes to your town. He's also got a blog to keep you amused between our postings.

Wife Swap – I think I watched Trading Spouses once when I was over-tired and lacking critical thinking skills. I assume this show is the same. I think it was the ancient philosopher Moist Rub that once said, “Do what you want, want what you do, no regrets.” Is the desire to be on television so great for these families that they voluntarily sign up to bring a polar opposite into their family to tell them what to do? Gee, I wonder how that’s going to work out. I don’t have time for asswipes like this.

All of Us – Except me.

Girlfriends – Don’t think so.

Two and a Half Men – I didn’t like it the first time around when it was called My Two Dads. This looked pathetic when it first came out and I never watched. However, I saw a few minutes a couple times when it was the lead-in to Rock Star. I realized I had no regrets except for the fact that it was the lead-in to Rock Star and I saw a few minutes. If Charlie had managed his movie money a little better and not blown so much on hookers, he wouldn’t have had to do this crap.

Las Vegas – I never even heard of this show until I read my TV Guide. I started to get excited when I heard Nikki Cox was on the show and even considered tuning in during time-outs of MNF, but it appears that Nikki has left the show and the nasty skeleton of Lara Flynn Boyle will be coming on board. So I’ll just stay in my den and watch the game surrounded by my Nikki posters and dream of the day this talented young actress gets her own show again.

Half & Half – Joey Lawrence guest stars this season. What’s the problem – Scott Baio wasn’t available?

CSI: Miami – Now we’re getting into Mrs. F’er’s field. I believe the final requirement to earn her degree was to write a scientific paper explaining why the original CSI sucks. I would assume the Miami version sucks just as bad, except with more expensive designer clothes, always a good choice for a crime scene, and sunglasses.

Returning Mid-Season:

The Bachelor – Don’t even suggest that we watch this. I get ill just watching the promos of these douchebags handing out roses to the gaggle of vapid wenches.

Fear Factor – Here’s the deal. It’s really just a gross out contest. They aren’t going to let you die or anything with all the harnesses and safety equipment so there’s nothing to fear. If you can choke down some sheep brains, you’re good to go. And if I want to watch people eat disgusting food, I’ll just head down to my local McDonald’s.

Jake in Progress – If you’re a chick that grew up in the 80’s with a crush on John Stamos, I’ll give you a pass on this one. Especially since you probably think you have a chance with him since the divorce. Right. About the same chance that Nikki Cox is going to show up to install my satellite dish.

Nanny 911 – Here’s some personal insight into Sid’s life – there are no little F’er’s running around the house and there never will be. I don’t have the time or patience for any snot-nosed punks, so why would I want to spend an hour watching the worst lot of them? Unless this nanny woman employs electro-shock therapy, I’m not interested.

24 – Where do I start? I missed seasons 1 through 4, but heard enough about it that I decided to check it out last season against Mrs. F’er’s initial objections. I found it extremely tiresome and tuned out sometime around 2-1/2 hours into the 24. Unfortunately, Mrs. F’er replaced my Nikki Cox posters with Kiefer posters and duct taped my mouth for an hour every Monday night since I proved myself incapable of not making sarcastic remarks for the remaining 21-1/2 hours that she became obsessed with. Now all I hear is, “Kiefer wouldn’t wear that” and “Kiefer wouldn’t say that” and “Kiefer wouldn’t react like that”. I’m considering faking my own death and starting over somewhere where Kiefer is an unknown. How can I compete with a guy that can banish world terrorism in 24 hours without even taking a nap or eating a Hershey Bar?

Speaking of which…


L A Ray said...

FYI Sid - Us westcoasters get to enjoy both Monday Night Football (more like early evening football) and the quality shows that make up the monday night TV line up.

Jules said...

LA Ray - I miss that. It's reason number 413 why the east coast sucks compared to the west coast.

Okay, so I don't actually have a numbered list. It would make me too homesick. Not to mention about fifty times more pathetic than I already am.

Jules said...

And Sid - I'm so happy to hear that someone shares my opinion of 7th Heaven. My roommates (apparently suffering from some temporary brain damage) insisted on watching it a couple of years back and actually referred to it as "quality programming." I left the room to avoid staining our carpet with the contents of my stomach.

I caught a couple of minutes of America's Next Top Model this evening while flipping through channels. I can only say that I'm very grateful that you won't be covering that show in this blog. It really doesn't need the snark. After meeting a girl who couldn't remember what year she'd been born and another who couldn't decide whether or not she liked having no friends, I realized that it was essential to the survival of my remaining brain cells that I change the channel.

Sid, you're a genius and a godsend, as usual. Tell Moist we miss him. I hope you had a good nap and a good Hershey's bar, but not at the same time. That could be dangerous to your health and could deprive us of your wonderful wit. The horror! I look forward to hearing all about Tuesday's lineup!

keysunset said...

Thanks, Sid. Ack! What a lineup. Probably one of the reasons my household watches very little tv. Except my hubby and I were totally hooked on RockStar: INXS on CBS and the recent Ben Franklin series on PBS. I saw one (and one was very enough, thank you very much) of the Nanny 911. We have two children (five and ten years old) and 1) no way would these children have gotten to the point of the "befores" and 2) I wanted to slap the parents for letting them get that far. Ah well, at least they are asking for help instead of sitting by that river in Egypt, de-nial.

Great to have you back, Sid. Thanks for responding to my email, too. Tell Moist to drop in sometime!

AMAI said...

Medium is a show I didn't think I'd like, but I find it quite interesting.

Thanks for the warning re Bachelor. I thought they'd finally canned it after the last idiot; no such luck. I'm out of jokes for that show.

I'm not admitting to any of the other dreck in your list that I have watched and gotten something out of. Suffice to say I'm a reality show junkie and have watched most of them.

Devious D said...

Sid, Sid. I thought perhaps Ms. Sid would set you straight on this one. Medium is cool. Did you not get the memo? If only for the interesting relationship between husband and wife, and the Texas Ranger. (Oh, OK, now I get it. Never mind.)

Re: your 7th Heaven comment: "...watched some of the series...not religiously..."

I can see we are not of sympatico minds as much as we were on Rockstar. I thought you had figured out that 2 1/2 Men, though it shouldn't be, is funny. Try it again. It grows on you, sorta like mold, but that good mold that keeps bad mold away. The kid (though you hate them) is obnoxious enough to be funny. (And if you watched more regularly, you would know that Elvis Costello and Sean Penn showed up on one episode, making it worth watching in itself.) And then there's the housekeeper, Conchata Ferrell, who used to be on Hot L Baltimore. (Yes, showing my age.) 'Nuff said.

The Trading Spouses/Wife Swap, etc., is direct borrow/beg/steal from the original BBC program (and they claim we put out all the bad stuff). I saw one episode of that in the UK, it sucked, so totally agreed--no need to watch waste a minute of life that way.

As for football--that's always a good call. Thanks for the leperpop fix.

Anonymous said...

I like your column. It got me through the darkest hours of Rockstar:Inxs. Especially the end. Can you mention Marty occasionally? Thank you.

keysunset said...

devious d said
"I can see we are not of sympatico minds as much as we were on Rockstar."

Not a bad thing though, I enjoy reading the comments about all these shows I don't watch. ha ha ha

I'm still catching up on old movies! Just saw "Master and Commander: Far Side of the World" and "U-571" this past week (on DVD, of course). See, Sid, that's what I get for having those snot-nosed punks. :-D But I DID get to see "The Incredibles" as a first run. And since we are the wierdos who sit through all the credits, my, then, four year old danced through the end music. See what you're missing! :-D

Looking forward to Tuesdays preview!

L A Ray said...

Jules - It's okay to have a numbered list, just as long as it's not laminated. I'm surprised that it's not higher on your list

D.D. - Two and a Half Men rocks! Perhaps Sid will give it a second look.

Mehgs said...

The best show on Monday night is Corner Gas. Unfortunately it is only available in Canada. It is about a quirky small town in Saskatchewan. Think Northern Exposure in a half hour comedy format. Very funny! Get a Canadian friend to tape it for you because downloading is illegal. If you like it, the first season is available on DVD.

L A Ray said...

beauty eh! every time i head off to Canada for business i set my watch back to 1974, and pull out the old wide ties. Bit of a shanook coming through eh?

AMAI said...

Another great Canadian show is "History Bites." Ever see that one, Mehgs?

I'm not sure which night it's on, but since Sid won't see it anyway, I may as well mention it here.

LA Ray, you get along now. We have stronger beer in Canada.

Devious D said...

la ray, thanks for getting my back on 2 1/2 Men. I was cringing last nite--thought it was a little more slapsticky than usual. And Medium rocked. I don't like suspense typically (a Disney kinda gal) but this has just enough and is smartly done. That said, don't rush out to see it next week--looks like they're going on a time travel and going to mess with the whole system.
It strikes me a little like Dead Like Me (which was awesome till I lost my free Showtime) and Wonderfalls--both quirky, different writing.

And new sitcom Out of Practice held up for me in week 2. I doubtfully watched the first one (I occasionally have this drive to watch all new sitcoms at least once, as if I'm the official screener) and the first 10 minutes almost made me turn it off. But then the big hook came, and it was awesome. (This coming from a jaded fiction writer.) Didn't think the hook would hold out another week, though. They managed to do it. Add in Henry Winkler and Stockard Channing and I dunno, I'm sorta liking it. (Could be mold-growing like 2 1/2 Men...)

Your unasked-for reviewer...

Village Idiot said...

I've caught parts of Out of Practice the last couple weeks. Tonight had me shaking my head, wondering why it hasn't been canceled yet.

I'll give it another try, I might even sit down and actually watch it fully. TV is generally watched in the reflection of the computer monitor.