Sid's Fall Preview - Mondays

Assuming that you’re un-American and don’t watch Monday Night Football, here are your options:

Monday:

Medium – Just how I like my steaks. But if you’re psychic you already knew that. There’s an idea for a theme restaurant – psychic waiters so you don’t have to order. The food just shows up. Where’s the mystery in a detective show if the psychics already know it all? This show should be 5 minutes long. It’s not, so I’m out.

Arrested Development – There’s a sunglasses store at the mall where I work and the owner is a marketing genius. He only hires amazingly hot girls to work there. At any given time, you can see the guys lined up there, trying on sunglasses, and whipping out the credit cards thinking that they’re going to get laid for buying them. They don’t, the amazingly hot girls rack up the commissions, and the owner grows richer. What the hell does this have to do with Arrested Development? Calm down and I’ll get to it. So there was this one girl that worked there that looked like someone famous, but I just couldn’t figure it out. Then about six months later, it came to me – she was a perfect brunette copy of Charlize Theron. I was never a big fan of Charlize or familiar with her work, but became a fan once I figured out the connection. Anyway, the sunglasses girl eventually quit, but the store replaced her and is still racking up sales. Arrested Development was a great show before they added Charlize this year and will continue to be a great show. And I still look great in my new sunglasses.

King of Queens – I don’t remember why, but I watched this show for the first time earlier this year. It didn’t suck, but there are so many other worthwhile things you could do for that 30 minutes. Like sit-ups. Or at least switch to the Discovery Channel and impress your coworkers the next day with your knowledge of world pestilence.

One on One – I’m not really sure what’s going on here, but the stars kind of look like a young Tiger Woods and a young Janet Jackson. If that’s your thing, check it out.

7th Heaven – One of the biggest beatings that network television can deliver. For some reason, Mrs. F’er watched some of this series in the first or second season. Not religiously, but enough for me to want to drown Simon, kick Matt in the nuts repeatedly, bitch slap Mary, deport Lucy to a third world country, lock Ruthie in a dark closet, send the twins to be raised by Angelina Jolie, and force the Reverend and his wife into the federal witness protection program never to be heard from again. Speaking of the Reverend, be sure to check out Sid’s favorite stand-up comic – Bill Burr. He’s got a new special out on HBO that is not to be missed. Even better live if he comes to your town. He's also got a blog to keep you amused between our postings.

Wife Swap – I think I watched Trading Spouses once when I was over-tired and lacking critical thinking skills. I assume this show is the same. I think it was the ancient philosopher Moist Rub that once said, “Do what you want, want what you do, no regrets.” Is the desire to be on television so great for these families that they voluntarily sign up to bring a polar opposite into their family to tell them what to do? Gee, I wonder how that’s going to work out. I don’t have time for asswipes like this.

All of Us – Except me.

Girlfriends – Don’t think so.

Two and a Half Men – I didn’t like it the first time around when it was called My Two Dads. This looked pathetic when it first came out and I never watched. However, I saw a few minutes a couple times when it was the lead-in to Rock Star. I realized I had no regrets except for the fact that it was the lead-in to Rock Star and I saw a few minutes. If Charlie had managed his movie money a little better and not blown so much on hookers, he wouldn’t have had to do this crap.

Las Vegas – I never even heard of this show until I read my TV Guide. I started to get excited when I heard Nikki Cox was on the show and even considered tuning in during time-outs of MNF, but it appears that Nikki has left the show and the nasty skeleton of Lara Flynn Boyle will be coming on board. So I’ll just stay in my den and watch the game surrounded by my Nikki posters and dream of the day this talented young actress gets her own show again.

Half & Half – Joey Lawrence guest stars this season. What’s the problem – Scott Baio wasn’t available?

CSI: Miami – Now we’re getting into Mrs. F’er’s field. I believe the final requirement to earn her degree was to write a scientific paper explaining why the original CSI sucks. I would assume the Miami version sucks just as bad, except with more expensive designer clothes, always a good choice for a crime scene, and sunglasses.

Returning Mid-Season:

The Bachelor – Don’t even suggest that we watch this. I get ill just watching the promos of these douchebags handing out roses to the gaggle of vapid wenches.

Fear Factor – Here’s the deal. It’s really just a gross out contest. They aren’t going to let you die or anything with all the harnesses and safety equipment so there’s nothing to fear. If you can choke down some sheep brains, you’re good to go. And if I want to watch people eat disgusting food, I’ll just head down to my local McDonald’s.

Jake in Progress – If you’re a chick that grew up in the 80’s with a crush on John Stamos, I’ll give you a pass on this one. Especially since you probably think you have a chance with him since the divorce. Right. About the same chance that Nikki Cox is going to show up to install my satellite dish.

Nanny 911 – Here’s some personal insight into Sid’s life – there are no little F’er’s running around the house and there never will be. I don’t have the time or patience for any snot-nosed punks, so why would I want to spend an hour watching the worst lot of them? Unless this nanny woman employs electro-shock therapy, I’m not interested.

24 – Where do I start? I missed seasons 1 through 4, but heard enough about it that I decided to check it out last season against Mrs. F’er’s initial objections. I found it extremely tiresome and tuned out sometime around 2-1/2 hours into the 24. Unfortunately, Mrs. F’er replaced my Nikki Cox posters with Kiefer posters and duct taped my mouth for an hour every Monday night since I proved myself incapable of not making sarcastic remarks for the remaining 21-1/2 hours that she became obsessed with. Now all I hear is, “Kiefer wouldn’t wear that” and “Kiefer wouldn’t say that” and “Kiefer wouldn’t react like that”. I’m considering faking my own death and starting over somewhere where Kiefer is an unknown. How can I compete with a guy that can banish world terrorism in 24 hours without even taking a nap or eating a Hershey Bar?

Speaking of which…