Sunday, August 07, 2005

Rock Star - Aug 7 Moist Rub

I missed the first segment of the show but I heard Jordis received a conjagul visit from her lover. She was able to walk later in the show, so I guess he doesn't know his business. I didn't need to see that. I'm so glad, I'm so glad, I'm so glad, I'm glad, I'm glad, I'm glad I missed it.

Brandon brazenly announced the presence of this week's songs in the fancy-eatin' table room. Then Marty screeched an invitation to all into the room, to which Suzie monkeyed an accompanied yap as she entered. Why doesn't she grab his package, too. We know she wants to. Everybody appeared to be laid back. They were drinking. It's the devil's lube. Sure, it's easy to get along when drinking while there is no strife. But, strife is always around the corner - it's like a Starbucks. And strife did arise when JD and Jessica picked the same song: Come As You Are by Nirvana (I was relieved to finally hear one of their songs on this show, right kids?). Luckily, JD and Jessica are the two most mature individuals in the group, so they were able to have a reasoned, urbane discussion and reach a comprimise both could live with. It's good to see responsible adults acting accordingly. True to fashion, JD took his Beaver Cleaver cap and his lollypop and ran away. But, Jessica was no better. She gave us a glimpse of her own inner 9 year old girl by doing that neck and arm thing after she got her song. I don't know what the purpose of that body gesture is or what it is called, but instead of ever doing that you may as well tattoo, "I'm a horrible bitch" on your face to achieve the same affect. I will give her credit for her being straight forward with JD on her assessment of his "risky" performance of We Are The Champions. Would you like some sourbet with those raspberries, sir? I'm surprised JD didn't smack her. Mark Brunnett should have coached him beforehand, "JD, feel free to smack anybody should the opportunity present itself, especially a girl. Don't worry, I got your back." "Really, Mr. Brunnett?" "Yeah, really, JD. Just have fun with it." That would help the ratings. Just ask Jerry Springer.

Marty was smoking. I can't say that I approve. I am going to tell on him.

We had to sit through MiG being schmaltzy with JD because he mudflung at JD's ass to Time magazine. Be a man and stick to your words or shut the hell up in the first place. Holding hands? If I were JD, I would have told MiG I wasn't that kind of boy. That was one of the most girly holding hands I've ever seen two men do. Come to think of it, I don't remember ever seeing any two men holding hands. I need to get out more often. Please turn off the sap spiggot.

A drunk Brandon actually cracked me up. He should be drunk more often We all should be.

So, Jessica showed up at her rehearsal hungover, and the house band fervently disapproved. Oh no! I bet that's never happened before in the history of rock 'n roll. Lighten up, house band. Jessica should have turned the bra strap over on them. "What do you mean you're not hangin, too?! I can't work like this! Get the #@!& outta here and don't come back until you feel as shitty as I do!" It's all about unity, ya know.

We finally got to see Marty in rehearsal. I don't know why. What kind of shit are they trying to pull? The house band says he's all about work and being prepared. That should give us a warm and gooey feeling, right? They're giving us reassurrance that this will lead to another solid Marty-rock performance, right? Or, are they putting our balls on golf tee and sticking a red herring up our ass, so that when he goes on stage, trips on one of Suzie's abandon hair weave strands and accidentally flings the microphone at INXS knocking over Andrew Farriss's pile of Twinkies, we will be shocked like we've just seen our first ever reality show twist? It's too much work to think about it. So, I won't. They can't trick me. I've already imagined every possilbe outcome and have come to peace with each result in my head.

I'm worried about Suzie. Do you think they'll make her get implants in order to join INXS? That would be sexist. It's sexist for me to bring it up, but I know you've all been haunted by the same worry. Now, it's out there so we can deal with in a (re)constructive fashion, just like her plastic surgeon will. She has to tackle an REM song. Those are difficult because Michael Stipe can't really sing, so their songs are effed up to fit him. Suzie can really sing, so does she need to un-eff it up to pull it off? Her first clue that she may be going in the wrong direction with rearranging the song is that she is accepting advice from JD. That is like Greenpeace taking advice from Exxon. The questions we are sent away with are: can she do it? Should she do it? WILL SHE DO IT? Oh my god, THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!!!! And, so is the toothepaste. However the bigger question is this: At the end of the show, did Jessica show the guys her tang, titty or tattoo? I'm voting for tang, because she was pretty drunk and I am pretty horny.

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