Rock Star - Aug 24 Moist Rub

Welcome to a very special hour long edition of Leper Pop. This week Sid F’er misplaces a nun’s virginity, and then she becomes pope after a series of zany, irrelevant events.

They began the show by giving us a recap of last night’s performance show. Thanks for that, because I forgot what happened yesterday. Maybe they did that for the three new viewers tuning in tonight. Loyal viewers who missed yesterday’s show undoubtedly read about it here, at our blog, Leper Pop, so they didn’t need a recap. I can only conclude the producers ran out of ideas to fill up an entire hour, and Major League Baseball wouldn't license any highlights of the Tampa Bay/Cleveland game to show.

Suzie won the encore by default. She should be very proud of that. Her Start Me Up was good, but it was not sponge worthy. Everybody else had gotten an encore shot already and a number of them sucked yesterday, so there's your bone, Suzie. It’s like when you’re in school and you’re locked in a closet, and you find a half eaten sandwich. You think to yourself, "I wonder if this meat is kosher". Although you’re starving, you decide to smear the sandwich in the lining of your teacher’s coat and take a leak in her galoshes. Another reason INXS gave her the encore was they were hoping to defer her crying until the end of the show. It worked. Those guys know what they’re doing. She ended her encore with the lamest stage dive I’ve ever seen. It was more like a ‘stage-help-me-down-from-here-my-rheumatism-is-acting-up’. I think she did it just so somebody would feel her up. That’s why Bette Midler does it.

Next, they gave us some more peeks at what really happens in the mansion after a gig. JD was doing a crossword puzzle. MiG was ironing his hair. Deanna and Ty were playing Chinese jump rope. Jordis was digging out a tick from her arm with a butter knife. Suzie was licking the wall paper (the schnozberries taste like schnozberries), and Marty was doing butt slides down the railing of the staircase. Now we know how rockers live.

After that insight, INXS sat down and chatted with the Rockers across a room crowded with people. Pretty rude, if you ask me. They acted as if none of those other people were even there. Deanna expressed her discomfort with her perceived haunting of her comfort zone. Little does she know that what the INXS is actually referring to by the term "comfort zone" is them nestling their cute little heads in her chest. Kirk played it off like they were creating boundaries of challenge for all of them. She bought it. They always buy it when you are a rock star.

Marty told the band, as Elizabeth told Fred Sanford, this is how it is and this is how it’s always gonna be. Marty is a bridge builder. If they want Marty, the INXS should start building, too, because Marty is only going halfway. Marty is building his bridge so that the INXS can cross over into the new millennium. For this, the INXS respects Marty very much. Great mate. Can we grow back our mullets? Absolutely not. JD agreed with Marty, because he couldn’t understand the philosophy behind Marty’s statements, and the band seemed to concur, so JD went with it. JD is not a stupid idiot - just an idiot. Then JD gave the INXS his permission to make their own decision as to whom the new singer should be. The INXS was grateful because, until then, they were unsure of their role in this show. Before they could move on, the INXS got their ass licked by JD regarding the sovereignty of their back catalog. Way to work that in, JD.

Suzie joked about her status as the queen of the final three and donned her homemade hat. She is so cute. Speaking of cute, is it just me, or do I detect a hint of Christopher Walken in Andrew Farriss? They beat up Jordis for taking too much of a risk. Look, you mother fuckers, you just got done tearing Deanna a new asshole for staying in her comfort zone. What the fuck do you assholes want? - is what Jordis wanted to say, but she remained cordial and humble and promised to keep trying until she get’s kicked off for failing to overcome risks that she was haphazard enough to attempt in the first place.

They talked to MiG and Ty, too. It was very interesting, and it got real technical. I don’t want to bore you with the Biz jargon.

Brooke made everybody stand up, eventually, except Suzie, as she (supposedly) was at no time a member of the bottom three vote getters during the voting window. If she doesn’t win this thing, she should think about entering a career as a motivational speaker, as she is quite loquacious. Let me get this straight, in her own words, when you end up in the bottom three, it feels "bad". But if you are the only one who didn’t get into the bottom three, it feels "really good". Those are words to live by.

As it turns out, Ty, Deanna and Marty ended up in the bottom three, but I can’t talk about that right now. I’m facing a much more dire situation at home. During the commercial break, we were forced to watch, for the 80 billionth time, some wireless commercial featuring the Black Eyed Peas, who’s song used in the commercial is a clear rip off of Musical Youth’s 80's anthem, Pass the Duchie. My thirteen year old son had the gall to tell me, paraphrasing, "I don’t like rap that much, but I like the Black Eyed Peas new album." WHAT? I retorted, "Where have you been listening to that album!?" as if I was asking him where he got a bag of pot I found in his underwear drawer. "You know, on the radio and stuff," he tells me. "Not any radio I ever heard!" I sentenced him to his room with a Motorhead cd as penance. I thought I had him brainwashed. I mean, he just learned Iron Man on guitar all by himself, and I taught him the main riff of Sunshine of Your Love and everything. Damn. A father’s work is never done.

Ty: What You Need. I’ll tell you what you need. You need to pull it back a little bit. He was too over the top with this effort, which was probably due to him being over-emotional about being in the final three. That’s the kind of fall hubris will give ya if you’re not paying attention. With all of his heavy breathing and grunts, I thought he was turning into Tom Jones right there in front of me. I threw my panties at the TV (I only wear them on Wednesdays). He wasn’t sultry at all. He was fuming. I’m surprised the INXS didn’t pick up on that vibe. Then again, they aren’t as sensitive to the plight of the Rockers as I am. Their big question tonight was "How do you feel singing INXS songs?" Or, in other words, "why are our songs so awesome?" I’m not sure how Ty answered this because he was wimpering so much, but I think he took JD’s tongue and licked their ass with it.

Deanna: Elegantly Wasted. Half of the song sounded great. She had a rocking sass goin’ on there that I liked. Then other parts were back to her comfort zone (I’m just saying that to piss her off). It was a valiant effort. Dig the leather pants. Leather pants make me hot. And sweaty. And disgusting. The INXS, "So, why do you love us?" Deanna, "I like to rock hard and dance." The INXS, "What does that mean?" Deanna, "You guys are so awesome, please don’t give me the boot." The INXS, "Yes, we are and we’ll see, and don’t tell us what to do."

Marty: Don’t Change. He took off his coat. He was about to show the INXS what he’s been talkin’ about. His vocalization of this song reminded me of when the Lovehammers do that Eurythmics cover (Here Comes the Rain Again). On stage Marty looked like a man on a mission. He kept it subdued until toward the end when he let out a little bitty yelp scream. Then he edged it up at the end to show how the dance/groove/INXS thing can be Gregor-Mendeled into a successful hybrid of rock ‘n roll. His final utterance of "Don’t Change" was reminiscent of his final utterance of "...never again" at the end of Confusion on the L’Strange cd. As far as final utterances go, that is. Marty received quite an ovation from the crowd. In answer to the INXS question of the night, Marty replied, "Powerful". The INXS murmured to themselves, "Ooh, that’s good, quite right, yes, inDEED. That’s a capital idea." Somehow, for a moment they transformed themselves into British elite having tea.

Marty was the first to be sent back to the den. He gave the other two an extended hug, probably figuring it would be one of his last times to paw at Deanna. Ty continued to wimper while he and Deanna stood there together alone on the chopping block. Deanna got the axe, and rightly so. Her talent does not lie on the INXS map. Get yourself a new map. She was genuinely sad and was crying (Note to Suzie: that is how you should look when crying - sweet and vulnerable, not angst-ridden and pathetic). I felt bad for her and wished I could offer her my comfort zone in which to nestle. Cut to Suzie and her gushing. And MiG and his gushing. And Ty and his gushing. And Jordis and her gushing. Then there is JD and Marty sitting there sharing a joint - "Oh, is there something going on...?" This elimination episode has been brought to you by Kleenex and Puffs for those extra special sob-fest moments. On a serious note about sadness - I believe that sadness, unless brought about by self-pity, is quite a beautiful emotion because it is an extension of love, and without love, there would be no sadness. And, no matter how much pain of sadness you feel, there is an underlying layer of comfort in it due to the love that bred it. (I thought about ruining this touching moment by bringing up the "extension of love" in my pants, but I reconsidered.)