Rock Star - Aug 23 Moist Rub

I hope Deanna learned her lesson. You do not dare show more boobie than Brooke does. Brooke volleyed back to Deanna with a deep plunging neck line of her own. I hope Deanna returns the lob with a couple of nipple bandaids on tomorrow’s show.

Garry Beers was not on the show tonight. They told us it was due to personal matters. That is true. Personally, he’s tired of this show, and he wants to hire Donny Osmond.

Much of the pre-performance discussion focused on the idea that these Rockers should be fighting for the songs they want to sing. Why? Does the INXS want to fight for creative control with whomever wins this contest? Wouldn’t it be better to hire a dish rag that will do what he/she is told? I would think so. OK, Suzie, you’re hired - keep the crying sequestered behind your dressing room door, and don’t forget to pick up the dry cleaning.

Within this discussion, Marty was challenged on his song selection trending towards the contemporary. If the INXS has a problem with it, why didn’t they give him a classic last week instead of that Britney formulized platitude? Seems to me that they are speaking out both sides of their arses. It didn’t matter, because Marty studied for this oral exam and gave them an A plus response. A good lead singer needs to be able to wield diplomacy without letting too much of the bullshit smell seep through. Whether Marty was placating them with incontestible rhetoric or he was being sincere, the point is abundantly clear for all of these Rockers. No matter how much you want this gig, you gotta stick yourself out there naked to the best of your ability. If it fits the INXS or if you’re blazing the path the INXS wants to follow, you’re in. If not, go your own way and try to show them what they missed.

Suzie: Start Me Up. You make a grown man cry, indeed, assuming by "grown man" you are speaking about yourself. Suzie shook things up this week. She caroused with the other rockers, stage dived, looked sexy and dry humped the rhythm guitar player, which was a nice thing to do since the rhythm guy usually gets the lead guy’s hand me downs, unless the rhythm guy is also the lead singer with a big hairy chest, like Paul Stanley, and the lead guy’s face looks like it collided with the moon, a la Ace Frehely. Do chicks still dig big hairy chests like they did in the ‘70's. How about big hairy backs and flattened asses? Do they like them? And what about ear hair? I’m just asking because a friend of mine wants to know. Suzie gave her usual solid performance. Couple that with her guilt-tripping the general public into voting for her, and I think she’ll have a night off tomorrow.

JD: Cold As Ice. I read on a message board, from a JDidiot, that one of JD’s strengths was that he didn’t present himself like a Vegas performer like all of the other contestants do. I hope she saw this performance. Move over Wayne Newton, you have some competition. Nobody wants to be Wayne Newton as much as JD does. Therefore, he should be him, granted, an edgier, more retarded Wayne Newton, but a Wayne Newton, nonetheless. JD did work the crowd well - I’ll give him that. You can’t survive in Vegas unless you work the crowd, and sell drinks and get the audience to tip the wait staff. I have confidence that JD can do all of that. The INXS gave JD a chance to explain a possible faux pas in his performance. Was it that he was missing notes or was that JD’s interpretation? Always in CYA mode, JD chose answer B, interpretation. That’s great. Where’s my application for this show. I can interpret all of the notes out of any song and, consequently, sing them flawlessly.

Deanna: My Truth. This was her own composition that she co-wrote with Ty. (?) Does that mean if she wins, Ty gets to come along with her to collaborate and do her hair? I’ve never heard this song before. She stated, as the song began, that it was a "rock song". That it is. Too bad it’s not an INXS song and never will be. In spite of that, she did rock out and the song was decent. But that won’t be enough to keep her out of the dungeon. Tim confronted Deanna on the background of the song. Hard to believe, it had to do with an ex-boyfriend. So, her "truth" is forever tied to this asshole? Is that what she’s saying? She hasn’t moved on from the way some prick treated her thirteen years ago. I don’t’ know if the INXS could survive putting up with that kind of emotional stagnation. It’s as if Kick was never even written. It is a good thing Garry Beers, the band’s emotional leader, was not there to witness that. He may have sighed. It’s time to find your own identity, my dear. Here, have mine.

Ty: Proud Mary. Sorry Sid, this was the best performance of the night. Given, he was aided by a rockin’ tune and the girls supporting him with background vocals (note: Suzie looks like Manute Bol standing next to the other two girls. What is she, 6'9" with the aftro?). Having said that, I figured out one of the problems with his stage presence. He holds the microphone with his right hand in the same position for 95% of the song. It’s like he’s afraid of getting pits if he lowers his arm. We learned that Ty’s self-proposed advantage is that he has more soul than everybody else on the show. First of all, there’s not much soul on Broadway, of which he is a spawn (noticeable even on this excellent performance). Second, did he see Suzie’s version of Bring It On Home To Me? Third, I’m offended as a white man (but not because of his comment. I’ll tell you later). "Ty-riffic"? Dave, we were becoming so close. So close.

MiG: Do or Die. This was MiG’s own composition as well. He told the INXS he did it all by himself, but didn’t the House Band help him out? He’s already stepping on the little people. He’s destined to make it big. Nice going, MiG. I’ve never heard this song before, either. Hmm. That’s peculiar that they’d pick two obscure songs in the same show. MiG visited the high school costume department and procured the best looking tough rock ‘n roll guy outfit they had. The beginning of the song sounded like a pussified version of a Tool song. But that went away and was replaced by a rock ‘n roll showtune, the likes of which have been performed at numerous community theaters around the globe. I have a problem with the title of this song. It’s a cliche’. Admittedly, I enjoy a lot of tunes out there that employ cliche’ crutches, but it doesn’t mean I approve. I’ve even used them in the past in my song writing (Fat Lady at the Circus, When the Clock Strikes Three [The Cock Strikes Thee], etc. - I know you’re familiar with them), and it’s difficult to avoid them. I wish, if he had to use a cliche’ for this song, he would have used "shit or get off the pot" instead (come to think of it, I’m glad he didn’t use it - it’s going to be my next hit single). It would have been more dramatic, and it pretty much means the same thing. I still like MiG as a performer, and the INXS doesn’t need a songwriter, so I think he’ll be OK. Dave cracked me up with something he said to MiG, but I forgot what it was. He made up for "Ty-riffic". Somebody in the INXS mentioned that MiG’s composition was not an INXS song, to which MiG should have replied, if he had the wherewithal, "But wouldn’t you like it to be?" - or better yet, "Thank, god, those songs suck."

Maryt: I Alone. I know this song has some personal meaning for Marty. But not me. It’s just another whiney song from that band Live. Live needs to grow some balls. I thought Marty sounded awesome during the softer parts of the song. The problem is, his screaming technique does not jive with the screaming style required by this song. So, there was some dissonance there. It’s almost as if he was emoting too much, and he overshot the chick’s face. We’ve all been there, right fellas? The INXS was critical with Marty on this performance, and rightly so. However, they questioned how this performance related to the direction of INXS? It doesn’t. Not the past INXS, anyway. Why the hell did they include this song if it offers no INXS style characteristics? This is where Marty could have been a hero and said, "Take my hand, guys. I’ll show you the way." Dave digs Marty. I like saying "dig". I dig it. Remember that video game, Dig Dug. Pretty cool? How about Pengo? Nobody remembers Pengo. Well, I do. It was a derivative of PacMan, only the graphics were better and it involved a penguin navigating through a changing maze of ice blocks, and he could shake the walls to stun the nematodes (or whatever they were) that were chasing him so he could slide the ice blocks at them and vaporized them.

Jordis: Dream On. Steven Tyler wrote this shit when he was only eighteen years old. Eighteen! Un-fricken-beliveable. Do you know what I was writing at eighteen? That’s right, words that rhymed with penis synonyms. Explains a lot. Poor little Jordis. That was horrible. I never thought I’d ever say that. Even when she was hitting the notes, she couldn’t find the desperation in her voice that was needed. At least we’ll be able to hear her sing an INXS song. The INXS has no songs that would challenge her talents to this extent. There’s no way Michael Hutchence could have sung this song, either - not as written. Steven Tyler has a unique style and a unique voice. I guess she can’t sing everything.

Deanna, Ty and Jordis were the leading non-vote getters when Brooke threw us to the curb. She’s ruthless. My prediction on who will end up in the demolition derby: I have no idea. I don't get people.