Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Rock Star - August 16 - Sid

So with his clever solo performance last week, our mate Mahtee inspired this week’s unplugged performance show. And since most contestants are not behaving like your typical reality show asswipes and being way too cool about things like song selection, the band tried to shake things up by assigning this week’s songs. So let’s see how they did….

Jordis – Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door: I’m not sure what they were trying to accomplish by giving her this song. It’s like kidnapping the Swedish Chef from Sesame Street and making him a line cook at Denny’s. He can probably handle the job if you don’t mind the occasional meatball ending up in an omelet now and then. It was rather simple for Jordis to Unga-fy this tune, which she did with extreme precision. Don’t get me wrong – I still love Saint Jordis, but she’s pretty much developed her own genre of music. At this point I find myself trying to figure out what direction her solo career is going to go after the show. I hope she ends up doing something cool, but I have a real bad feeling that some record company is going to push her into doing some contemporary Hootie and the Blowfish horseshit. Don’t do it Jordis.

Jessica – Torn: INXS said they were nervous about Jessica singing this one. I’d be nervous about Jessica singing Happy Birthday at a family party. That was mean. Jessica is the anti-Suzie. The more I see her, the less interested I am in ever seeing her perform live, unless it’s at the local strip club. Wouldn’t it be ironic if they made her dance to INXS tunes for her feature dances? She also needs to find a new dry cleaner since they obviously didn’t get her belly shirt back in time for this week’s taping. If she was going to go conservative for acoustic night with the dress, I think she should have also worn the glasses. With her hair up in a bun. Then seductively released her golden locks in the middle of the song, shaking the hair free as she walked into the crowd, wrapping me up in her microphone cord and jamming the heel of her boot into the small of my back….

Ty – Maggie May: Have I mentioned that I cannot stand this guy? You ever have to deal with a co-worker in another office or a client by phone only and you just don’t like them for some reason? Then you get a chance to meet them in person and it introduces that human element to the relationship that wasn’t there before and they don't seem so bad after all? Well, our VIP passes for the taping put us between the stage and the rocker den, about 20 feet from the rockers. And I saw Ty sitting there, and I saw JD sitting next to him with "Human Being" tattooed on his arms and it helped remind me that Ty is a human being just like me. And I still didn’t care. I disliked him and his stupid smirk and his edgy Mohawk even more. Unfortunately, they gave him a song and let him perform it. And he took a cool song from one of the most unique and soulful voices of rock and turned it into a song that would get him in the feature show on the Yosemite Sam stage at Six Flags, which is where this guy belongs. I’ll leave it at that. No I won’t. You know how Bam-Bam used to take things like the Flintstone’s kitchen table and slam it on the floor side to side. I wanted to grab him by the tongue and just do that Bam-Bam thing until he stops smirking. OK, now I’m done. I need to move on or I’ll be late for my anger management class.

Suzie – Bring It On Home To Me: OK, she’s officially out of my doghouse after those bastard reality show producers portrayed her as a bitch going after Marty in the first show. She’s harmless. She definitely needs to fire her hair stylist, although some of the chicks we talked to seem to dig the Betty Boop hairdo. I guess it was better than the bouffant of last week, but that’s like saying my dog’s shit would taste better if I put it on a cracker. I don’t even have a dog, but I’m not getting one just for this blog. Just pretend. Pretend it’s a blue heeler… that’s what I’m doing. But I digress. Suzie took a song she didn’t even know and nailed it like horny cheerleader on prom night. I’m not sure why she always laughs or rolls her eyes whenever she finishes a song, but I kind of find it endearing. I truly dig her as a vocalist and would hire her band to play at my next wedding. If my wife is reading this, I’m just joking. I would never marry again. Is she laughing yet?

Deanna –I Can’t Make You Love Me: Nice dress.

Marty – Hit Me Baby One More Time: So at the taping one of the CBS lackies comes out and tells the crowd what songs the rockers will be singing since it’s before the airing of the mansion show. Obviously, there’s some good laughs when we hear Marty’s song, but then reality sets in and you realize he really has to sing it. Kind of like when you’re drunk and think it’s a good idea to get David Hasselhoff tattooed on your calf. It’s pretty funny until you wake up the next day and realize you’re going to be wearing tube socks the rest of your life. Marty went a step further and stuffed that tube sock down Britney’s piehole and bitch slapped that song back to respectability. Say no more.

JD - Tears Go By: Pure gold. It was nice seeing JD get his props from the band on the song competition before being taken down hard to the mat like a band geek that wandered into a wrestling tourney by mistake. Followed by a WTF performance that summoned the spirit of Wil and didn’t seem committed to anything but a chance to sing an INXS song on elimination night and give INXS one more chance to get to know JD Fortune. Maybe that’s the next phase of his evil genius plan, but it seems a little light on the genius part. I think he would have done better by singing the classic INXS song “Stop Go!”.

MiG – Baby I Love Your Way: The guy looks like he’s still jet lagged from the flight to Hollywood six weeks ago. It also took six weeks for his piano to make it to Hollywood, but it got here just in time for acoustic week, which is good because playing one of those little toy pianos like Schroeder had in Peanuts might not have had the same effect. Instead, MiG gets the encore.

And the bottom three:
I’m sure Jessica goes straight home and starts practicing INXS songs. She’ll need it. I think Deanna knows her run is about over. And JD will get to implement his plan and show off a decent Michael Hutchence impersonation much to the chagrin of his remaining housemates.

Early voting showed Ty instead of JD in the bottom three. As much as I would like that, I don’t think it will last, And in his defense, the mix on the broadcast didn’t sound as good as it did live – it sounded a little tinny. On the other hand, it sounded like they cleaned up JD’s mix a little bit as he seemed to struggle more than the broadcast showed.

I thought Jessica’s time had finally run out. Not only is she weak on the vocals and not right for their band, INXS, but she just doesn’t seem to fit in with the others. However, I’m going to say that they extend her misery and keep her around another week. Deanna just doesn’t have the voice for this kind of music and I can’t see her covering INXS very well. Deanna’s also pretty mellow in the house and Jessica has the potential to create some explosive situations, especially with JD still around. JD will sit down first, Deanna will go home and Jessica extends her streak.

Oh, and Brooke looks even hotter in person.

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