Rock Star - Aug 17 Moist Rub

Heard backstage before tonight’s elimination show:

Brooke: Hey, Jess, can I borrower one of your tops tonight? I’ve been meaning to ask you before you get kicked off.

That Brooke, she’s all about timing.

MiG, Marty and Jordis were singled out as the top vote getters last night. As predicted by most, MiG was given the encore. In a surprising twist, he asked the other two top vote getters to join him and sing background vocals. That was a nice gesture. He may be too nice for rock n roll. I’ve compared him slightly to Donnie Osmond in the past. The Osmonds would definitely allow him to join their family, assuming he passes the Mormontific Entrance Exam, body cavity search and credit check. That’s a nice career to fall back on in case this INXS thing doesn’t fly. I couldn’t hear Marty much in the encore. I’m not sure he wanted to be heard. He’s a lead singer, goddammit! Does he look like a Pip to you? I don’t think so.

Jessica, Deanna and Suzie (yeah, I can’t believe it either) were chosen for the performance of shame. I finally got a prediction correct. I knew the dregs were too stupid to vote for Suzie. I voted for her. You should have seen the way she was looking at me when I was out there. Very come-hithery, let me tell you. Maybe that’s what got Brooke so mad to have had me pummeled to gut sauce during the performance show. JD didn’t make the bottom three. Hmmm. He must be really good.

Suzie got us rolling with By My Side. She looked frazzled and ready to cry. It took her about a verse and a half to compose herself. When I feel like crying, I find it helps to think about happy things, like farting children. Still, she was a little off her game. Kind of incongruent in the chorus. I figured she was safe, unless she started bawling, since the INXS seems to dig her. She finished off the song by falling to her knees and praying to god at the end of the runway. God cares about everything we want in life as long as we take the time to ask. This wish from Suzie is the perfect trivial wish he’s been known to follow through on. He’ll get around to the whole world hunger and world peace thing. Just be patient.

Jessica was ordered to center stage by Jon ""I’m sitting on a drumstick" Farris next. She is a good listener and followed his order, without even arguing once. She had the honor of singing Mystify - a fan favorite (by fan, I mean me). I think Tara trashed this song on prior elimination episode (bad omen). Jessica was all business. She came fully armed with her half shirt and low cut jeans. It hadn’t failed her yet. This was no time to be taking chances. She should have heeded my prior post and donned a thong. I counted only three squeaks. Three squeaks I can handle. She can sing the INXS songs admirably. So can Admiral Byrd. In fact, he does everything admirably. That’s what admirals do. Hence the name. I thought she performed well enough, but nothing to write from prison about.

Deanna went last. Never Tear Us Apart was her challenge. This song was originally written for two friends of the INXS who were Siamese twins. The initial title was Never Surgically Separate Us. Garry Beers, being the emotional leader of the band, suggested the eventual title, claiming that it better elicited images of devotion and personal sacrifice, not to mention blood and innards. Decent as her voice is, the more I hear her, the more I don’t want to hear her. Not singing INXS songs, anyway. Jessica’s voice is more fit for INXS tunage than Deanna’s voice. Deanna need songs with more meat. I need her to kick my ass. Most INXS songs don’t kick my ass. Do you know what kicks my ass? That’s right, Brooke’s body guards kick my ass. Luckily, they spared three of my fingers so I can type. I thought for sure Deanna would be asked to leave.

It turns out, somebody in the INXS has the hots for Deanna, so they sent Jessica back to Chicago. Either way, neither of them was going to win, so it is just a matter of time for the one that would stay to be ousted as well. This gives me a chance to see Cover Gurl, which I will as long as I’m free that night and they’re playing a venue in my neighborhood, and nobody calls me at the last minute to do something else. They saved us the agony of slowly talking to each eliminatee to build the tension and then sending one back to the sanctuary so that the other two have to hold each other, as if they were concerned about the fate of the other, before crushing one of them. Jessica received the quick band-aid removal technique. Sure, it may pull off more hair, but the pain is short and quick, unlike this audition process.