Friday, July 21, 2006

Rock Star - July 19 - Sid

I missed the elimination show. But I did get a damn good tuna steak at a joint called Blackfin in Boston. Highly recommend. And, unfortunately for the viewers of Rock Star this season, I have to say that the wasabi mashed potatoes delivered way more kick than most of the “rockers” they’ve given us this year. However, I’ll leave the food reviews to the people that know the difference between saffron and sarsaparilla and stick to what I know best – writing about and making fun of stuff that I can’t do. Should be no lack of material there.

Moist has a nice post about the show down below, so I won’t be recapping blow by blow. I’ll just share some thoughts about the rockers, in between bites of my Betty Crockers. From these crazy rhymes I’m about to stray, for my rhyming dictionary’s been taken away. Mercifully.

Random comments:

I figured out Dana’s problem. I don’t think it’s her voice or even mannerisms that scream “I’m in the Justin Timberlake Fan Club” – it’s her make up and clothes. She even asked if it was her make up. She’s doing her hair and make up like she’s running for student council president instead of Suave Porn. You want to look a little crazy. Tommy mentioned that he wants somebody that scares him a little and might fall off the stage. You’re not going to do that by going to the mall and getting your make up done at Glamour Shots and shopping in the bad girls section at Talbot’s. I want her to fry her hair and find her next outfit at a thrift shop – something that looks like she didn’t take the price tags off right before Brooke introduces them. Just show up one day like you spent the night polishing off a bottle of Night Train and banging a guy with spider web tats on his elbows. I’m not sure it will work, but it might help sell the image a little bit more. Like Dilana said, “Stop worrying about being pretty.” I know that changed my life, and it might work for Dana.

Nah, who are we kidding?

Speaking of Dilana, she should have worn her glasses to elimination night. We’ve seen it on the mansion show and she looked like a strange hybrid of Elvira and Lisa Loeb and Marion the Librarian, but it worked for me. It could just be my fascination with saucy spectacled sirens. OK, now they just took away my alliteration dictionary, too. But back to specs. I saw a preview of a new Woody Allen movie called Scoop with Scarlett Johannson. In glasses. Hot. I thought Brooke looked good this week, but I think she needs to don a pair of specs just one week for me. As long as it’s not any of those giant Harry Carey glasses that seem to be making a comeback. But I digress – back to our rockers. If Dilana wears the glasses to elimination night, it would exude an understated and subtle cockiness, as in “I know I’m not in the bottom three and won’t need to bring it tonight, so I’ll just wear my glasses.” Even though glasses are cool, it’s hard to bring it when you’re wearing them. Do it, Dilana. You know you wanna.

Bottom Three

I like Jenny’s look and stage presence, so it’s a shame she can’t rock the vocals. It’s like that big box on Christmas day and you know it has to be something awesome, and you can’t wait to rip the paper off and then it turns out to be a humidifier.

Dana threatened, “I’ll show you, Gliby Clarke” but coming from her it sounded more like a line from Sccoby-Doo rather than something to be taken seriously. Then she chose to do a Sass Jordan tune. Yes, I’m a Sass fan, but is it any coincidence that Sass happens to be a judge on Canadian Idol? Perhaps Dana is planning to marry a Canuck and give it shot in the great white north after she gets booted here. If she wins here, she will secure her place as the Eliza Doolittle of rock.

Josh smiled while singing, “I’ve got a new complaint.” He needs to be a little more Ryan, and Ryan needs to be a little more Josh. Or we can just simplify things and bounce them both. We, meaning me and Suave Porn.

If Tommy continues to go with the hatchet man metaphor, he should just use one hand. If he wants to pantomime with two hands, then I would go with the ax man metaphor. Jenny’s gotta go. But there are no losers on Rock Star, and she left with this week’s deli platter. I also learned that the Canadian school system must really blow, because Jenny said she learned more in three weeks with TLee, Gibly, and that guy from Metallica than she has in her entire life. Frightening.

I’m a comment whore, so I’m going to cheat this week and offer up a Leper Pop poll to encourage y’all. You’re in the bottom three – what song do you perform to save your ass? One song per entry.

41 comments:

Moist Rub said...

I'm never going to watch E.T. and I'm never going to read this particular blog article.

This is the kind of stuff I do for fun.

Sid F'er said...

What the hell are you talking about?

Moist Rub said...

I think I've made myself pretty clear. I am not going to read your post named "Rock Star - July 19 - Sid". I just won't. It's nothing personal. It's not that I don't want to read it. I'm just not going to.

del said...

But ET was a charming movie... what to you have against aliens, Spielberg and/or Drew Barrymore?

HR said...

Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" so I can get the hell out of there and torture Suave Porn at the same time.

curmidge said...

First of all, just because we sent you Celine doesn't mean you can send us Dana. Anyway, Sass would kick her ass. (Whoa, two mentions of Celine in a row. Hold me mommy.)

Song choice for b3 would be November Rain, GnR. Yes, I realize they don't have rights, blahblahblah. I still want to hear it. Ok, stop badgering me. I want to hear Lukas do it. But I don't want him to be in the b3. I'm torn.

Kristy said...

I wanna be your dog, Stooges...why ? Because one raining day I put on the headphones at Borders and it took me to a place that words can't describe but it was dark, very dark.

del said...

They want the hamsters to show their dark and dangerous sides? Well, I think a good f*ck you I'm leaving song: Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves. Nananana Nananana Hey Hey Good Bye

keysunset said...

Well, I was trying to come up with something that might actually keep me on the show. Because I made the assumption that if I were there, I'd want to stay.

But I don't sing hard rock music. I had a problem.

According to this I read at amazon.com
Rolling Stone's David Fricke states, "The Violent Femmes are what rock & roll must have sounded like at the creation." And since Tlee says we're going for frickin' huge and fresh, I picked "Blister In The Sun."

I won't get the gig, but I'll have fun.

When I'm out walking, I strut my stuff ...

But if the rest of y'all are singing "Walking On Sunshine" and such, I might have a chance ...

keysunset said...

Mr. keysunset says he'd try "Panama" by Van Halen.

hee hee, I like that one!

curmidge said...

Walking on Sunshine would be a very good "fuck you" song. Don't laugh. Remember Mahty did Brittany Spears last year. It turned out to be one of his best.

keysunset, Jessica did Blister in the Sun last year. She didn't get the gig. Although it might work for Suave Porn.

Moist Rub said...

Two words:

Wango Tango

kristy said...

Ah yes, Wango Tango indeed!
Btw, my friend in high school dated the guy who wrote Blister in the Sun (he was kicked outta the band early on). I remember playing it and my Mom freaking out over the lyrics. Ah, good times!

I don't think it's the song but how you sing it. The Britney Spears thing is a good example.

keysunset said...

Wow, kristy, apparently I was so non-impressed with Jessica doing Blister that I had repressed it.

But yeah, I agree it's the way you sing the song. But luckily, I won't have to find out for real! :-D

Sid F'er said...

If you're not going to read the damn post, then I'm not sure I want you commenting on it.

dick

Moist Rub said...

Oh, you mean like this?

Great post, Sid. I was so, so, captivated. It was fun for me and my whole family.

kristy said...

If you guys are gonna fight, can't you at least strip and cover yourselves in baby oil....




pretty please ?

keysunset....remember 'why can't I just get one fuck ?' yeah Jessica made a mockery of a perfectly respectable sleazy song.

Anonymous said...

"In the Name of the Father" by Black Grape.
And stop fighting. It's disturbing.

HR said...

Yeah, no more fighting, you're scaring the kids. Key, you can come out now and stop crying. No, they're not getting a divorce, Key, you know how they are. Trying to reignite the fire. Little make-up sex and all will be right again...

del said...

they're not getting a divorce
I should hope not, HR, but if they did, who'd get custody of us?

LL said...

"Muskrat Love" of course.

And it would be a good make-up song for the dads.

Anonymous said...

I would sing "Best of You" by the Foo Fighters.

And if they are getting a divorce, I'm going to live with moist rub. He's nicer than sid.

Anonymous said...

I bet Sid would let us eat frosting out of the can, though.

del said...

And if they are getting a divorce, I'm going to live with moist rub.
There are plusses and minuses to both. Moist has dogs which is a plus, but I hear Mrs. F'er is a good cook.

I think shared custody is the only solution.

HR said...

If you guys break up now, we can make Leperpolooza a "Reunion Concert." Those always do really well...

Brooklyn Girl said...

"Straight as an Arrow" ... but only because I miss Marty.

Otherwise, I'd do "I Wanna be Sedated", because that's how I feel after sitting through an hour of these lame excuses for rock stars!

keysunset said...

Ooh, good choices brooklyn girl!

bravebetsy said...

I would choose "Been Caught Stealing" or "Enter Sandman" and there's always "You Could be Mine."

I guess you can call me a suck up but I just really like all the music that Suave Porn and Dave have done.

Does anyone know if we'll ever hear some GNR or Metallica covers?

AMAI said...

"Nothing Else Matters" is my first choice, but depending on how things are going with Dilana, I might opt for "She Bop."

sheria. said...

i would do Stabbed In The Face by Wolf Eyes. SN keeps asking these maggots to "Bring the Heavy" so i figure gurgling and screaming incoherently into the microphone for about 3 minutes and 39 seconds would sufficiently fulfill their request. But mostly i'd like to see Dana perform this i think the song would mesh well with the sounds of uncontrollable laughter from the audience.

♥ sheria.

Sid F'er said...

All y'all are harsh.

I love it. Way to bring it.

AMAI said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
AMAI said...

I think Moist would be more likely to let us eat frosting out of the can, but he'd bite your hand off if you took the last Taco Supreme.

When do we get the grades for our Song Choices, Sid?

keysunset said...

keysunset, Jessica did Blister in the Sun last year. So, AMAI, don't ask for grades, since I've been caught copying from someone's else's paper ....

Sid F'er said...

Just like on Rock Star - there are no losers at Leper Pop. You'll all receive deli platters for your contributions which you can munch on while waiting for the right time and place to perform your song.

Thanks for playing. Seriously - I enjoyed the suggestions.

Anonymous said...

I would do Radar Love

malky said...

'ohh la la' by the faces
i just wanna hear it once on the show

schtoops said...

There are so many ways to respond to a question like that.

"Master of Puppets" might show you weren't joking... it also might get your toungue stuck...

"Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails to give some opportunities...

How about demand to be able to do the full length version of either, "November Rain" like nine minutes, "Three Days" again about nine minutes, or "Stairway to Heaven" like thirteen or something. Then play it slowed down in drop D.

Then even if you aren't Lukas you growl the whole thing with the mic inside of your mouth and your head inside the speaker.

Anonymous said...

I would do something like "Fuck tha Police" NWA, but that was already done Rage Against the Machine style. But, yeah, just totally rock out some gangsta rap. No even better some sex-rap style non-sex-rap song. Like "Tha Humpty Dance" or ...

AMAI said...

Thanks for playing. Seriously - I enjoyed the suggestions.

Yeah, but whose suggestion did you enjoy the most?

I've brought you a Brownie Earthquake, you're looking a little peaked.

Anonymous said...

Moist Rub, Kristie - They're gonna post up some videos and pics from Wango Tango on KIIS's web site!

Check it out, they'll have new stuff posted on Monday!
http://www.kiisfm.com/pages/wtdaily