Rock Star - July 19 - Sid

I missed the elimination show. But I did get a damn good tuna steak at a joint called Blackfin in Boston. Highly recommend. And, unfortunately for the viewers of Rock Star this season, I have to say that the wasabi mashed potatoes delivered way more kick than most of the “rockers” they’ve given us this year. However, I’ll leave the food reviews to the people that know the difference between saffron and sarsaparilla and stick to what I know best – writing about and making fun of stuff that I can’t do. Should be no lack of material there.

Moist has a nice post about the show down below, so I won’t be recapping blow by blow. I’ll just share some thoughts about the rockers, in between bites of my Betty Crockers. From these crazy rhymes I’m about to stray, for my rhyming dictionary’s been taken away. Mercifully.

Random comments:

I figured out Dana’s problem. I don’t think it’s her voice or even mannerisms that scream “I’m in the Justin Timberlake Fan Club” – it’s her make up and clothes. She even asked if it was her make up. She’s doing her hair and make up like she’s running for student council president instead of Suave Porn. You want to look a little crazy. Tommy mentioned that he wants somebody that scares him a little and might fall off the stage. You’re not going to do that by going to the mall and getting your make up done at Glamour Shots and shopping in the bad girls section at Talbot’s. I want her to fry her hair and find her next outfit at a thrift shop – something that looks like she didn’t take the price tags off right before Brooke introduces them. Just show up one day like you spent the night polishing off a bottle of Night Train and banging a guy with spider web tats on his elbows. I’m not sure it will work, but it might help sell the image a little bit more. Like Dilana said, “Stop worrying about being pretty.” I know that changed my life, and it might work for Dana.

Nah, who are we kidding?

Speaking of Dilana, she should have worn her glasses to elimination night. We’ve seen it on the mansion show and she looked like a strange hybrid of Elvira and Lisa Loeb and Marion the Librarian, but it worked for me. It could just be my fascination with saucy spectacled sirens. OK, now they just took away my alliteration dictionary, too. But back to specs. I saw a preview of a new Woody Allen movie called Scoop with Scarlett Johannson. In glasses. Hot. I thought Brooke looked good this week, but I think she needs to don a pair of specs just one week for me. As long as it’s not any of those giant Harry Carey glasses that seem to be making a comeback. But I digress – back to our rockers. If Dilana wears the glasses to elimination night, it would exude an understated and subtle cockiness, as in “I know I’m not in the bottom three and won’t need to bring it tonight, so I’ll just wear my glasses.” Even though glasses are cool, it’s hard to bring it when you’re wearing them. Do it, Dilana. You know you wanna.

Bottom Three

I like Jenny’s look and stage presence, so it’s a shame she can’t rock the vocals. It’s like that big box on Christmas day and you know it has to be something awesome, and you can’t wait to rip the paper off and then it turns out to be a humidifier.

Dana threatened, “I’ll show you, Gliby Clarke” but coming from her it sounded more like a line from Sccoby-Doo rather than something to be taken seriously. Then she chose to do a Sass Jordan tune. Yes, I’m a Sass fan, but is it any coincidence that Sass happens to be a judge on Canadian Idol? Perhaps Dana is planning to marry a Canuck and give it shot in the great white north after she gets booted here. If she wins here, she will secure her place as the Eliza Doolittle of rock.

Josh smiled while singing, “I’ve got a new complaint.” He needs to be a little more Ryan, and Ryan needs to be a little more Josh. Or we can just simplify things and bounce them both. We, meaning me and Suave Porn.

If Tommy continues to go with the hatchet man metaphor, he should just use one hand. If he wants to pantomime with two hands, then I would go with the ax man metaphor. Jenny’s gotta go. But there are no losers on Rock Star, and she left with this week’s deli platter. I also learned that the Canadian school system must really blow, because Jenny said she learned more in three weeks with TLee, Gibly, and that guy from Metallica than she has in her entire life. Frightening.

I’m a comment whore, so I’m going to cheat this week and offer up a Leper Pop poll to encourage y’all. You’re in the bottom three – what song do you perform to save your ass? One song per entry.