Last time on Rock Star:
Frickin’ huge, song choice, blah, blah, blah, song choice.
Phil tried to convince us that each of the rockers were hot stuff in their own hometowns, but after just two weeks in Hollywood they have been assigned a status just short of crack whore.
The rockers feign sadness over the loss of their brother whats-his-name and try to drown their sorrows in buckets of champagne. The chandeliers in the mansion are giving off such overwhelming candlepower that Lukas, Chris, Storm and Ryan cannot take off their sunglasses without risking severe retina damage. That, or they’re just a bunch of douchebags. Lukas, in partcular, sports a pair that looks like they were made out of his old stormtrooper Halloween costume. Why do I get the feeling that he’s a Star Wars geek deep inside. Dilana and Patrice have their sunglasses perched atop their heads in a quiet, yet effective, anti-douchebag campaign. And I thank them.
Lukas and Chris then go outside for a smoke and form an alliance, vowing to rock like no one has ever rocked before or something like that. I was getting tired head just watching them and was more interested in the stain on my t-shirt. Appears to be some sort of tomato based sauce. Storm and Jenny form their own ovarian alliance, where Storm lets Jenny pretend that Lukas called her out last week because he’s really threatened by her Canadian nearly a pop star chops. Even though I admit to an embarrassingly inexplicable crush on Jenny, I think I could easily explain to her why she’s not a threat. Dilana then confesses that she totally screwed up by kicking everyone’s ass in week one, since it’s all downhill from here. I guess she thinks Ryan has the right idea of firmly establishing himself just south of Mediocrity Avenue.
Then Storm, in an effort to appeal to the religious right viewers, announces that it’s “fucking Christmas”, which would be correct if God offered up salvation by having Joe and Mary pass out free acoustic guitars from the saviors over at Gibson. Lukas then explains that it’s more than a guitar, but a symbol of something that I wasn’t listening to since I was distracted by the stain on my shirt again. Gotta be tomato sauce. However, it did appear that he was having everybody autograph his guitar in case one of them got famous so he could hawk it on eBay. Genius. Magni, instead of celebrating the fact that he has his own single room, instead does an acoustic version of Planet Earth on his new guitar in tribute to his recently departed roommate whats-his-name. Again, if you missed the show, that last line is not made up.
They tell Dana there’s some grits in the song room to get her in there to discover this week’s song board. She was a little disappointed that there really weren’t any grits, but got over it and told the others to come get their songs. This group does not appear to be as organized as last year’s rockers and distribute songs through a chaotic combination of first-come, first-serve and negotiations brokered by the ghost of Henry Kissinger. Huh? Henry Kissinger is still alive? OK, then brokered by Henry himself.
Phil claims only to know three of the songs since he was too tired to listen to the radio over the last 25 years, so he takes the Tonic tune since that seems to be within reach and requires the least effort.
Lukas already showed Tommy that he’s a fucking rock star, so he chooses to chill this week with a Coldplay tune.
Dilana doesn’t know who Johnny Cash is, or didn’t know, but now she knows, but didn’t know the song, or thought he was cool, but didn’t think she was cool enough to sing it or something, but decided to take it, but then freaks out and tries to trade, but then decides to learn it by sitting at the pool and staring at the title.
Zayra chooses the song Violet because it’s a pretty color and she has a matching flamenco dress, but then she freaks out when she learns that Hole isn’t a flamenco band. Jill does her best Courtney Love impersonation to intimidate Zayra and by the time Jill whips out an eightball, Zayra is begging her to take the song. Zayra takes another unfamiliar song called You Really Got Me or something like that.
Then we get our first invite to the rehearsal studio. Magni is doing a predictable My Generation. Zayra gives the band a good laugh with her rendition of You Really Got Me. Unfortunately she’s not joking. Chris advises that his amazing interpretation of The Doors has made everyone forget about his Roxanne performance. Right, just like we all forgot about Ashlee Simpson’s SNL appearance after she did a cover of Daydream Believer on The View. But I digress. Chris endears himself to the house band by insisting that he knows how the Franz Ferdinand song goes without their sorry ass attempts to help. They want to kick his ass, but will settle for watching him fail on national television again. Finally, Dilana previews her rework of Ring of Fire. I can’t tell if it’s more Henry Rollins spoken word or more Intercontinental Hotel lobby crooner. The band predicts she will fail worse than Chris... or prematurely end the season by surprisingly winning it all in week two after the other 13 contestants realize that they are all just dorks in her presence.
Tune in - it should be off the hook. At minimum, frickin' huge.