Monday, July 10, 2006

Rock Star - Mansion Show - July 10 - Sid

Last time on Rock Star:
Frickin’ huge, song choice, blah, blah, blah, song choice.

Phil tried to convince us that each of the rockers were hot stuff in their own hometowns, but after just two weeks in Hollywood they have been assigned a status just short of crack whore.

The rockers feign sadness over the loss of their brother whats-his-name and try to drown their sorrows in buckets of champagne. The chandeliers in the mansion are giving off such overwhelming candlepower that Lukas, Chris, Storm and Ryan cannot take off their sunglasses without risking severe retina damage. That, or they’re just a bunch of douchebags. Lukas, in partcular, sports a pair that looks like they were made out of his old stormtrooper Halloween costume. Why do I get the feeling that he’s a Star Wars geek deep inside. Dilana and Patrice have their sunglasses perched atop their heads in a quiet, yet effective, anti-douchebag campaign. And I thank them.

Lukas and Chris then go outside for a smoke and form an alliance, vowing to rock like no one has ever rocked before or something like that. I was getting tired head just watching them and was more interested in the stain on my t-shirt. Appears to be some sort of tomato based sauce. Storm and Jenny form their own ovarian alliance, where Storm lets Jenny pretend that Lukas called her out last week because he’s really threatened by her Canadian nearly a pop star chops. Even though I admit to an embarrassingly inexplicable crush on Jenny, I think I could easily explain to her why she’s not a threat. Dilana then confesses that she totally screwed up by kicking everyone’s ass in week one, since it’s all downhill from here. I guess she thinks Ryan has the right idea of firmly establishing himself just south of Mediocrity Avenue.

Then Storm, in an effort to appeal to the religious right viewers, announces that it’s “fucking Christmas”, which would be correct if God offered up salvation by having Joe and Mary pass out free acoustic guitars from the saviors over at Gibson. Lukas then explains that it’s more than a guitar, but a symbol of something that I wasn’t listening to since I was distracted by the stain on my shirt again. Gotta be tomato sauce. However, it did appear that he was having everybody autograph his guitar in case one of them got famous so he could hawk it on eBay. Genius. Magni, instead of celebrating the fact that he has his own single room, instead does an acoustic version of Planet Earth on his new guitar in tribute to his recently departed roommate whats-his-name. Again, if you missed the show, that last line is not made up.

They tell Dana there’s some grits in the song room to get her in there to discover this week’s song board. She was a little disappointed that there really weren’t any grits, but got over it and told the others to come get their songs. This group does not appear to be as organized as last year’s rockers and distribute songs through a chaotic combination of first-come, first-serve and negotiations brokered by the ghost of Henry Kissinger. Huh? Henry Kissinger is still alive? OK, then brokered by Henry himself.

Phil claims only to know three of the songs since he was too tired to listen to the radio over the last 25 years, so he takes the Tonic tune since that seems to be within reach and requires the least effort.

Lukas already showed Tommy that he’s a fucking rock star, so he chooses to chill this week with a Coldplay tune.

Dilana doesn’t know who Johnny Cash is, or didn’t know, but now she knows, but didn’t know the song, or thought he was cool, but didn’t think she was cool enough to sing it or something, but decided to take it, but then freaks out and tries to trade, but then decides to learn it by sitting at the pool and staring at the title.

Zayra chooses the song Violet because it’s a pretty color and she has a matching flamenco dress, but then she freaks out when she learns that Hole isn’t a flamenco band. Jill does her best Courtney Love impersonation to intimidate Zayra and by the time Jill whips out an eightball, Zayra is begging her to take the song. Zayra takes another unfamiliar song called You Really Got Me or something like that.

Then we get our first invite to the rehearsal studio. Magni is doing a predictable My Generation. Zayra gives the band a good laugh with her rendition of You Really Got Me. Unfortunately she’s not joking. Chris advises that his amazing interpretation of The Doors has made everyone forget about his Roxanne performance. Right, just like we all forgot about Ashlee Simpson’s SNL appearance after she did a cover of Daydream Believer on The View. But I digress. Chris endears himself to the house band by insisting that he knows how the Franz Ferdinand song goes without their sorry ass attempts to help. They want to kick his ass, but will settle for watching him fail on national television again. Finally, Dilana previews her rework of Ring of Fire. I can’t tell if it’s more Henry Rollins spoken word or more Intercontinental Hotel lobby crooner. The band predicts she will fail worse than Chris... or prematurely end the season by surprisingly winning it all in week two after the other 13 contestants realize that they are all just dorks in her presence.
Tune in - it should be off the hook. At minimum, frickin' huge.

22 comments:

Moist Rub said...

I didn't know we were supposed to do the reality show stuff on the line. It wasn't in my assignment notebook.

I think Dilana's Wing of Fire is gonna be fricken huge.

Sid F'er said...

Nice picture. Will you go out with me?

Moist Rub said...

Where would you take me?

Anonymous said...

To my house.





hopefully! : )

Kristy

Sid F'er said...

K -Stop trying to steal my date. Homewrecker.

Moist - I'd take you to the pizza parlor.

del901 said...

Hey, both of you..back off! I have dibs.

Moist, I'd take you to Naperville... provided you drive.

HR said...

Watch a little Rockstar on the web and then everyone's tryin' to live the lifestyle. Get a hold of yourselves, people.

keysunset said...

I'm so glad to have Sid's recap of the reality show. This new crop of JD wannabes just do not inspire me a'tall. (Yeah, I know, different band, but same idea ...)

I'll be watching the performance show though to see what they do. (Altho, I may have to tape it and watch it tomorrow ... I ain't got that there new fangled DVR ...)

Hey, HR, they are just cranking up for Rockstar:Leprosy! The show where they audition thousands of potentials, put them through the wringer week after week, and at the end, tell 'em ALL they are not "roit" for OB:Leprosy. That would be a pretty cool show to watch.

Moist Rub said...

However, with RockStar:Leprosy, we will be auditioning two guitarists, a bass player and a drummer. StivOO, as the singer, is the only one with talent . So he'll sit on the perch by himself and pick the band.

The rest of us will just hang out in the mansion and give the clinics.

Sid F'er said...

I think Dalebud has enough talent to hang with Stiv_OO, although we'll have to have a fashion clinic and give him a Dave Navarro makeover.

And I'd like to sit on the perch like superproducer Butch.

Anonymous said...

I got dibs on the hottub, it's the best place to watch Del and Sid fight to the death....and to partake in the drinking clinic.


Notice how Moist totally ignores all the attention paid to him.....he's acting like a rockstar already lol!

K

Moist Rub said...

Dalebud has skill, I'll give you that. But talent? Pish. How can you have talent with dwarf pinky? How can he perform the monster stretch trills with that thing? You need monster stretch trills to be talented. Everybody knows that.

Maybe we should have RockStar:Leprosy where we audition people who can teach us how to play.

p.s. it's no act, Kristy.

Leper Hopeful said...

Yet another brilliant post from Sid.
Perhaps you should have a show where people have to write about shows like Rockstar:Whomever and you guys judge to see if anyone can even possibly begin to compete with your talent.
Alas, I may know the outcome already.

Please Stop, Ellie Mae said...

"They tell Dana there’s some grits in the song room to get her in there to discover this week’s song board."

oh my god. tears, fucking tears.

CN

Tooks said...

Chris is doing Take Me Out...I fear for the good name Marty gave it...eeeee

PS: The House Band rules...I love that they see the plane going down and just sit back a smile...thank you House Band. :D

Sid F'er said...

I have to say that Take Me Out wasn't Marty's best performance, but he definitely didn't hurt himself or anyone else with it.

Chris, on the other hand.....

Moist Rub said...

Marty did well on Take Me Out. Better than Franz, himself. There is no way Chris can measure up to Marty.

Sid F'er said...

Right, I was inferring that Chris has the potential to be a train wreck.

Marty did fine - I just don't think it was the best song for his style.

keysunset said...

We are all so spoiled, measuring everyone up to mmmmmmMarty ....

del901 said...

Tonight has been a Marty Casey tribute show with Take Me Out, Arms Wide Open, What I Like About You and Ring of Fire.

All that was missing was the man himself. Oh, yeah. And rockers who could do the songs justice. Except of course Dilana who rocked.

keysunset said...

I may feel like doing an Elvis on the tv set if they allow someone from this crop of rockers to do WYWH.

AMAI said...

These notes of yours will be helpful to fill in the gaps in my Mega-Recap of the Hobbit Chronicles. All I need is someone familiar with J.R.R. Tolkien's work.

I feel a kinship with Zayra for some reason...