Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Rock Star - July 5th - Sid

Welcome back, Brooke. The dress is so Jenny From The Block, but the knee high boots will never be wrong. The acting lessons are paying off as well, since she was able to say, without laughing, that Supernova is the greatest band to emerge in years. It’s more like if Cream had formed not with Eric Clapton, Jack Bruce and Ginger Baker, but with Nigel Tufnel, Peter Tork and Ringo Starr and went on the Brady Bunch variety hour to find a lead singer.

I won’t comment on the band, although putting their feet up on the coffee table clearly demonstrates they aren’t nearly as well-mannered as INXS. Remind me not to let them crash at my place when they come through town. I’d hate to have to kick Tommy’s ass.

Tommy read the mission statement for the show, and then everyone signed it and it was placed in a poster frame and hung on the wall of the Mayan Theater next to an inspirational print of a dolphin jumping high out of the water with the caption, “There is no end to the amount of things you can accomplish.”

Jason told everyone that the band’s fresh new sound will sound like something called rock n’ roll, and then special guest Michael J. Fox came out and did a Chuck Berry tune to warm up the crowd.

Ms. Burke, in her best high school cheerleader at a pep rally voice, then asked the crowd if they were ready to rock. They responded affirmatively, so she introduced us to…..

Storm Large – Pinball Wizard: Storm says this is her real name. Right, and I’m Iron Balls McGinty. I had high hopes for Ms. Large, but was letdown. She reminded me of the hip thespian who gets the lead role in the local production of the latest hot Broadway production. And we all know that this Elton John tune would never make it on Broadway. And another thing – when she tries to rock out too hard, she makes that extremely unattractive face that women softball pitchers make during their delivery. But she wasn’t the worst.

Ryan Star – Iris: Somebody else compared him to David Blaine, but I think it’s the dash of Jeff Goldblum that completes the creepiness factor here. I just wish he’d turn into a fly and get caught in a high hat. OK, the song didn’t totally suck, but it doesn’t matter. He does.

Toby – Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door: I can’t understand a word he says, but I think he mentioned something about smashing the hell out of a song. I’ll compromise here – Toby, lose the eyebrow ring and I’ll rent a Crocodile Dundee movie and practice listening to Australian.

Patrice – Somebody to Love: The best thing about these shows is that they revive my appreciation for real rock stars. But Austin is a cool town and Patrice is giving me a good vibe (or maybe I need to stop sitting on the washer while watching TV), so I’ll be nice this week. I did watch a show about tattoos on the National Geographic channel earlier this week and I’m pretty sure the tat on her shoulder indicates that she just got released from a Ukrainian prison after serving five years of a seven year sentence for vandalizing an ice cream truck. Or she just digs crappy tattoos of mythological figure things.

Mangi – Satisfaction: Jeez, stick this boy back in whatever block of ice you chipped him out of. Even Brooke looked like she wanted his dirty Icelandic tentacles off of her.

Zayra – Bring Me To Life: She must have done something right, because the band was busy molesting Brooke when she started and they were proposing to Zayra by the end of the song. I’d watch my back if I were her – Brooke can be the jealous type and I hear she can strike like a ninja when necessary. Don’t let Brooke's stage lingerie fool you. Zayra has no chance at fronting this band, but please keep her around for entertainment value. Pretty please.

Jenny – How You Remind Me: She’s too skinny. She looks like Ann Coulter. She just got voted Most Likely To Show Up On The Cover Of People Magazine With An Eating Disorder After Getting Kicked Off The Show. She dresses like the annoying girls that roam the mall every summer. She is the exact opposite of everything I like. But in an inexplicable When Harry Met Sally way, I find myself helplessly attracted to her. I even liked her performance. I think. What I really think is that I need a kick in the head.

Josh – She Talks To Angels: He is so screwed. He’s got as much chance of meeting Supernova half way as Marty did building that bridge to INXS-ville.

Matt – Yellow: Two words – lame. And lame.

Dilana – Lithium: I can only imagine the fear those little spaghetti strapped groupie girls in the front row felt when she started charging them. Probably soiled their little Abercrombie thongs.

Dana – The Only One: Did she get those little Madonna gloves from an older sister or did she find them on eBay? As much as they would love to soil the na├»ve little girl, even with the belly shirt she just ain’t right for this band. And her face is too small.

Phil – Cult of Personality: Finish the chem degree, buddy. It’s the only thing between you and homelessness.

Jill – Piece Of My Heart: No, they’re not real.

Chris – Roxanne: I wouldn’t trust him to sing Take Me Out To The Ballgame during the seventh inning stretch, let alone lead a world tour. To quote Gilby, “Unfortunately, that one sucked, Chris, man, sorry.”

Lukas – Rebel Yell: I was too distracted by two things to pay attention to the song:
1) What child star from the 70’s does he look like?
2) Does he shave the eyebrow or is it from a scar?

The Early Bottom Three: Chris, Phil, Mangi

Mrs. F’ers Bottom Three: Chris, Mangi, Jenny. Chris going home.

Sid’s Bottom Three: Mangi, Matt, Chris & Phil. Oh, I only get three? Well, crap. I guess I’ll give Matt another chance. The early vote has it right. Who will I send home? Chris. Others are doomed, but I'm cleaning house first before hanging the right pictures.

“I need to remember what it was like when Rock Star was good.”
- Mrs. F’er, while looking on the computer for video clips from Season One


chimon said...

I'd pay to see nu-Cream meets the Brady Bunch, with Robet Reed as the lead singer.

I don't see Jeff Goldblum in Ryan--to me he looks like Adam Sandler.

As Tommy said, "ya all better buckle up." I guess it's going to be a bumpy ride.

del said...

Mrs. F'er has the right idea, watching "Classic Rockstar". If they auditioned so many thousands of singers, how did they end up with this bunch?

Maybe 3-5 have an actual shot at winning. The rest are filler.... I just hope they turn out to be entertaining filler.

keysunset said...

So I don't have to type so much - ditto del.

I think Moist's idea to scrape his head on the patio might have been a viable alternative to scraping my eyes on this show last night.

I can only hope they get better.

LeperLover said...

Dear Iron Balls McGinty,

Fabulous take on the mess!

"Ms. Burke, in her best high school cheerleader at a pep rally voice"

Love that! I was having a hard time pinning down what she sounds like. Perfect.

AMAI said...

Damn you, guys! You're so quick with your blogs. I've visited to tell you that I will be reading your delectable Blogs of the events of the previous week once I finish my own bloated "recap" (more like an epic) of the same. I shan't be influenced by you!!

At least now I have a motive to hurry up and finish mine.

In other news, why is there a picture of a wheelchair next to the word verification box?

Brooklyn Girl said...

I'm with Mrs. F'er on this one, too. Can we bring Marty back? Please?

And one other question: did anyone else notice how loooooong the songs are during the elimination round? Note to Burnett, Goffin, et. al.: if these guys are so bad that we already hate them and they wind up in the bottom three, we aren't the ones who should be tortured by their interminable, crappy performances.

keysunset said...

AMAI because this is differently abled accessible blog!

Hold your cursor over the wheelchair and it reads "Listen and type the numbers you hear."

Today's "Listen and type" included both female and male voice and sounded like they were in a crowd someplace...