Rock Star - Mansion Show July 17 - Sid

Recap, song selection, blah, blah, blah, song selection, Courtney Love, blah, diapers, blah, blah, Chris, you’re the second one to go.

At the mansion, blah, blah, blah, yeah, Chris was the man, sip, gurgle, chug, I miss Chris, Chris was cool, man, he was just starting to learn how not suck, blah, blah, sip, toast, I loved Chris.

Lukas: I would have picked someone else.

Horrors! Everybody freeze! Did he really say that??? I think he did!

Murmur, murmur, Lukas, you suck, man, sip, chug, yeah, murmur, murmur, why are you such a dick, bro, sip, sip, yeah, now you’re going to have to tell the band who you would have sent home and why at the performance show, dude. Sip.

Jill looks pissed, even though they all know that Zayra is the one that should have been sent home. Everyone but Zayra. Sip. Toast to Chris.

Dilana then laments that she will never love again after the boys in Supernova broke her heart by following through on Brooke’s directive that someone will be going home each week. Good grief. Grow up, girlfriend – just because I pop the button on my Levi’s every time I eat a Brownie Earthquake from Dairy Queen doesn’t mean I’m not going to do it again. In fact, I’ll be right back…..

After getting their asses handed to them last week, Supernova sends vocal coach Lis Lewis to the mansion for the first clinic. Lis became a vocal coach because she was supposed to be named Liz, but both parents had speech impediments and the chick at the hospital wrote Lis on the birth certificate. Dilana is up first and in the spirit of William Hung proudly announces that she has no professional training whatsoever and breaks into a slow, dark version of She-Bang. Actually, Lis tells her that lower registers do not generate excitement or energy or some other “e” word that I can’t read in my notes. Dilana is forced to explore her higher registers in the same manner that Marty explored his softer side in Season One. She, also, is a willing student and will try to impress the band with her eagerness to explore her range until she comes in second place and gets back to what makes her and her fans happy.

Josh got yelled at for singing with his jaw and Lis threatened to break it if he didn’t wipe that silly grin off his face. Magni mesmerized Lis with his hypnotic Icelandic melodies and was sent to the Middle East to broker a peace agreement using only his voice. Patrice was runner up and would assume Magni’s role in the event he is unable to fulfill his duties. Lukas got yelled at again for trashing his voice and disappointing future crowds that would fill Wembley Stadium to see Supernova with him at the wheel. He didn’t appear too interested in song lady and wandered off muttering that he was not yet ready to reveal his other sides. Apparently the sides that aren’t such a dick.

Song selection time and the rockers turn this into a cage match. Next week I say they throw them into the Thunderdome and let them fight it out with some chain saws. Thirteen rockers enter, one rocker leaves. Last season’s crew looked like the mock UN at the local grade school compared to this gang. Josh decided he needed to rock this week and could only do it with a soulful Nirvana tune, so he grabbed Come As You Are as the others looked on as if he had just stolen some candy from a baby. I’ve never stolen candy from a baby because it’s usually already covered in drool and no candy is worth that. Lukas was too cool and too good to argue and would take whatever was left, apparently as long as it wasn’t that stupid Stones song that goes ba ba da da ba ba ba da da, because he’s too cool to sing ba ba da da ba ba ba da da. In the meantime, Patrice wants to do Helter Skelter and only Helter Skelter because it was a song that U2 stole from Charles Manson and she’s stealing it back, but Jill threatens to SharonTate her ass if she doesn’t allow anyone else to at least look at the song before she leaves. Patrice stands her ground amazingly well for a hippie chick, Jill fumes, and Zayra stands around looking confused, but not too concerned since she can spaz out to any song on the board. Or maybe not based on the faces of the house band during rehearsal. INXS might have kicked her ass for disrespecting an REM tune, but SN could be amused. I know I will be. Finally, Lukas drops into rehearsal and impresses the band with Let’s Spend the Night Together, but then remembers that he is immensely more talented than Jagger and Richards and shows the band how the play the song more better. The house band is afraid that Gibly will kick their asses on this one, but decide to give Lukas enough rope to hang from the rafters far from them.

Tune in to find out which lucky rocker picked the song on which Suave Porn themselves will be the house band. I know I can’t wait.