It’s all Florida’s fault.
If they hadn’t screwed up the election so bad in 2000, then maybe Al Gore would have been a little too busy presidenting and commandering-in-chief to get everybody nutty about global warming and this whole green bandwagon. It’s not like I’m dumping my used motor oil down the sewer or asking the checkout clerks to give me a double plastic bag for every individual item at the grocery store (they seem to do that on their own without me asking). I use public transportation and let my wife drive our monster truck to school every day. I also estimate that I use approximately 47 barrels of oil per year driving my recycling over to my aunt’s house because the old people in our condo building haven’t implemented a recycling program because they’re all going to be dead soon and are taking as many resources as they can with them. But I digress.
So obviously I had mixed feelings about this whole Earth Day deal. Part of me is like, “Yea, go Earth!” and another part of me knows that the planet is going to do whatever the hell it wants like a rebellious teenager no matter how much we try to instill our values over a nice family dinner. But if it tricks a few people into driving less, then that’s a few less cars on the road to run me over on my bicycle so I’m all for it. That was all I needed to convince myself that I could take a walk over to Daley Plaza for the big Earth Day rally or celebration or festival or whatever they heck they were calling it. It definitely wasn’t a rally. I don’t think I’ve ever been passionate enough about anything to attend a rally or a protest. As long as TBS keeps running Wings repeats there’s really nothing to get my panties in a bunch.
As a good little citizen this morning I packed my breakfast and lunch in my insulated, reusable, green, sustainable cooler and walked to the train. Upon arriving at work, I realized that I had left my insulated, no longer reusable cooler on the train, thus providing breakfast and lunch for the lucky conductor who may have found it. After two years I guess I’ve finally become habituated to the announcement as the train approaches downtown reminding me to take my possessions and use caution while exiting the train. Before you know it I’ll start exiting the train recklessly and fall on my face.
Without the ingredients for my power shake, I did the next best thing. I stopped at one of the three McDonald’s on my walk to work and bought breakfast. And when I’m bad, I’m very bad. I ordered an egg. Might as well add a sausage patty to that. Sure, cheese sounds good. And why not slap it all between a couple flapjacks with the maple syrup flavor built right in. 560 calories, 32 g fat (12 g saturated), and 1360 mg of sodium. I had a heart attack around 10 a.m. but worked through it so I wouldn’t miss the Earth Day rally/festival/convention/celebration/protest thing featuring music by the Lovehammers.
Around 1 p.m. I locked up my desk drawer where I keep my cheap scotch and porn and slipped out of the office. I stopped by Jamba Juice since the only thing I didn’t get at breakfast was a boatload of sugar. My 30 oz. Power Mega Mango took care of that, delivering the 97 g of sugar I required to walk the three blocks to Daley Plaza.
Upon arrival, I found the tent where the band was rocking out as much as a band can rock out acoustically at a city sponsored Earth Day shindig. Jeez, that made it sound sucky. It wasn’t. At all. It was short, but razzmatazzical. I’ve never seen so much razzmatazz packed into such a short set. You should have been there. But I guess you just don’t care about our planet as much as I do.
I hope you really didn’t come here for a real review of the show… didn’t you learn your lesson from the New Year’s Eve show review? Check out the fine folks at martycasey.org and the other swell fan sites. They’ve got you covered. Me? I’m just a bonehead kid that left my lunchbox on the short bus.