Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Frost Brewed Ridiculous

Coors Light bills itself as the frost brewed taste that is as cold as the Rockies. Cold as the Rockies, huh? The average high temperature for July in Golden, Colorado (where Coors Light is brewed, which is located in the Rockies) is 86 degrees Fahrenheit. Have you ever had 86 degree beer? I have. It sucks. It sucks so bad that you end up drinking a 1.75 ml of Southern Comfort instead. Then, all of a sudden you are sleeping on Oak Street Beach at five in the morning getting eaten by sand flies while one of your friends tries to walk to Canada through Lake Michigan.

The Coors Light marketing department has been working overtime, lately. In an effort to disguise whatever it is that they are putting in their cans and bottles as something of value to the consumer, they have invented numerous novel packaging schemes. Each of these enhancements is an attempt to make the drinker forget that xe is not actually drinking beer. In fact, they don’t even use the word “beer” in their ads. The FDA won’t allow it. They can’t be honest about what is in the cans, either, since the FCC won’t let them say “piss water” in their commercials (except in Rhode Island). As a result, they’ve come up with kooky phrases like “frost brewed taste” and “involuntary regurgitative nuances” and “mountain goat renal delight”.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not one of those beer snobs who will only drink imports or cloudy microbrews with onion skin floating in them. In fact, when I drink beer, I usually drink Bud Light because I don’t like the taste of beer, and Bud Light tastes like water. Sometimes I’ll have a few pints of Blue Moon, but only for health purposes as a method to trick myself into eating a slice of an orange colored fruit, the name of which I cannot recall at the moment. Yes, I know Blue Moon is owned by Coors. That’s not the point. I have nothing against Coors, in general. But they are overloading the cosmetic bullshitification of Coors Light. How many gilded gimmicks do they need to trick drunks into drinking their frost brewed diet sewage? Even Domino’s, while, admittedly, they downplay the role pizza has in their business model, only hides behind one marketing trick. They are the delivery experts. That's all they want you to know. They don't care if you enjoy the taste of their "pizza" or not. If you want something warm and edible, they will deliver it to you in a box real soon, no questions asked.

“Did you order pizza from Domino’s?”

“I ordered something from them. It sure got here quick. It didn’t look so good. So, I ate the box instead. I fixed the hole in the ceiling with whatever was in the box.”

What frosts my brew about Coors Light is the volume of doohickeys and glockenspiels they have built into their containers to distract us from the fact that their product is crap. It’s overkill. I don’t have time for overkill. I’m being killed at a nice respectable pace as it is. Stick to one bit of chicanery per product. That’s what my grandmother always used to say, before she lost her lips in a bar brawl.

Here is a list of the circus attractions that surround the Coors Light product:

Vent Cans: the mouth of the can has two little vents to allow more air to get into the can while drinking, forcing the liquid down your throat at a quicker rate. This allows you to get drunk faster and forget that you are drinking liquefied mountain dross.

Wide Mouth Cans: similar strategy to the Vent Cans. Drink as much as possible as fast as possible. That is the Coors Light way. When you get really drunk, try to stick your entire tongue through the wide mouth. Note from the Coors legal department: Not responsible for any tongue related deaths or maimings.

Frost Brewed Liner: supposedly Coors Light is the only beer served cold and this liner will keep it that way. However, it will also keep it at 86 degrees because the cans have been sitting in the liquor store storage room for a month before you bought it. I believe the liner is made out of those ice cubes from Don’t Break The Ice.

Cold Activated Bottle: the name of this device implies that the bottle doesn’t encase the beer-like substance until it gets cold. So you end up buying a pile of beer-like substance, place it in your refrigerator, and in a few hours, bottles will envelope it when the temperature reaches the right level. What actually happens is a part of the label turns blue when it gets to proper drinking temperature. Apparently, the Frost Brewed Liner doesn’t work, otherwise it would always be at proper drinking temperature. Also, Coors Light knows, from countless hours of marketing research, that most drunks have nerve damage in their hands from chain saw incidents inspired by drinking too much Coors Light, rendering them unable to properly assess the temperature of their drinks by touch.

Cooler Box: If you are buying Coors Light, you obviously cannot afford to own or rent your own cooler. So steal some ice from the local Motel 6 and throw it in the Coors Light box. Eventually, the ice will melt all over the vinyl tile in your double-wide, and you will be able to clean your kitchen floor with your socks each time you get up for another bottle.

8 ounce Silver Bullet Can: they’re only 8 ounces – instead of twenty-four cans, you can drink 57 of them! And they're bullets! Now, that’s what I call drinkin’!

It’s completely ridiculous.


Gina said...

"mountain goat renal delight"

I think Coors light stole that from PBR.

keysunset said...

a pile of beer-like substance, place it in your refrigerator, and in a few hours, bottles will envelope it Hey, I want to see THAT! Where do I buy that beer-like substance?