Leper Pop Earth Day Special Report

This is Bob Polar Bear reporting from somewhere in the Arctic. I can’t tell you exactly where because I’m a polar bear, and frankly, we’re not too good with maps. While many concerned citizens are attending rallies and other events to raise awareness of Earth’s fragile environment, I stand before you all too aware. Do you know why I’m aware? Because my home is melting into the ocean and doesn’t seem to be coming back, that’s why. That’s not the sort of thing you miss because you were distracted by Dr. McDreamy on the television. See that stretch of ocean out there? No, not there, over there, about a mile out underneath that cloud that looks like an injured seal (they all look like injured seals to me). THAT used to be my living room.

Now, I can’t prove anything, but I’m pretty sure you humans had something to do with it, which is part of the reason all y’all are having these Earth Day festivities. Sure, the sentiment of Earth Day is nice and I appreciate it, but I don’t know how long I can wait for something to be done. A bunch of hippies sitting around feeling bad does not seem to help with the…shit, there goes my KITCHEN! Right into the ocean. How would you like it if I came over to your house and ripped out your breakfast nook? And then the next year I tore out your gun room? Huh? How’d you like that?

As I said, something has to be done. Luckily, I have an idea. Did you know humans add eighty-five trillion tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere just by breathing? It’s true. Look it up. You could easily cut that in half – just breathe less. Hold it in every other breath. Pretend you’re smoking pot. You’re the ones with the gigantic brains. Figure out a way to genetically engineer yourselves to breathe less. I’d do it but I didn’t get a big brain. You know what I got? Big paws and a big snout. And, unlike you, I use my gifts. I whap things and smell stuff all the time. Although, there is not much to smell out here on an ice sheet. Most of the stuff I smell is far away, and by the time I get there, whatever it was, what I planned on eating, salivating all the way, has fallen into the ocean because the ice sheet melted, and the Orcas ate it. Those damn Orcas. They’re loving every bit of this global warming stuff. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were in on it with you. They’re pretty smart, too. They’re lucky they never come up out of the water onto the ice sheet. I’d whap their ass with my big paws. I could take an Orca.

Mrs. Bob Polar Bear: Oh no you couldn’t, Bob.

Shut up, Gladys, I’m trying to give a Special Report. I could TOO take an Orca.

Gladys: No, you couldn’t. Quit being an ass.

Well, maybe not, but I can whip a narwhal. When one of them sticks his big nose out of the water, I’d grab it, pull him up on the ice and go all Bam-Bam on his ass. Bam-BAM! Bam-BAM! Bam-BAM! That’s one thing I have to hand it to you humans for. I sure love those Flintstones cartoons. Good old Fred and Barney. Never understood the Great Gazoo thing, though. Where’d that come from? You know what else I like that you humans did? I like those big blue plastic air tight drums. My cousin Lester sent me one from the zoo. I had it in the water and was wrestlin’ with it, jumping on it, whappin’ it with my big paws (showin’ the Orca what he’d get if he ever comes up on shore). I was having the time of my life with that thing until that damn walrus poked a hole in it with his big ole walrus tooth. I should eat that walrus. The damn thing filled up with water and sank to the bottom of the ocean. If there are any humans reading this, please send me another one of those things. I’ll trade you a half a mangled seal for it.

OK, where was I? That’s right, you humans gotta start breathing less. You are adding too much carbon dioxide into the atmosphere.

Gladys: You know your breath puts carbon dioxide into the atmosphere,
too.

WOULD YOU SHUT UP, GLADYS! I am trying to make a point here. WE are not the problem. The humans have admitted it. Why else would they have an Earth Day? You don’t see us having an Earth Day, do you? They are destroying our home.

Gladys: How do you know that this global warning…

That’s global WARMING!

Gladys: Right, global warMing. How do you know it’s not due to the
Earth’s normal long term weather cycle?

Who would have thought that Las Vegas was a sick enough town to actually allow two polar bears to get married at a road side chapel and that it was LEGALLY binding? I’m never going there again. It has ruined my life. I tell you, I am ruing the day.

Gladys: It’s been no picnic for me either, Bob. All of my friends get to
have other males fight over them ending up with the best fit one each mating
season. You know, you’ve gotten a little pudgy since you stopped having to
fight for me. And I don’t mind saying it’s affected your performance in
the snow bank.

THAT’S ENOUGH, GLADYS!!! You know I’ve been worried about this global warming thing destroying our chances for survival.

Gladys: Why don’t you join the humans and go get a job in an office like
your brother Murray did?

Gladys, you know Murray has unusually elongated phalanges with little to no webbing on his front paws. He’s a dynamo on the computer keyboard. I could never survive in that environment and you know it! I think it makes you happy to see me fail.

Gladys: In case you didn’t notice, I wasn’t too happy about your failure
in the snow bank last night, Bob.

Sigh. I’m gonna go whap some baby seals.


For Leper Pop News, I’m Bob Polar Bear. Back to you, Sid and Moist.