Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Cuts Like A Knife

Sid: Remember, Mom, I have my surgery tomorrow.
Mama F’er: Right. Where are you having it?
Sid: Elmhurst. You know where that is, right?
Mama F’er: Yes, I think that’s where your grandma was. In fact, I think that’s where she died.
Sid: (laughing) Thanks, that makes me feel better.
Mama F’er: Oh, shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.

Admissions Witch: Have you had anything to eat or drink since midnight?
Sid: No, ma’am.
Admissions Witch: When did you last eat?
Sid: 11:45 p.m. – four fried chickens and a coke.
Admissions Witch: Anything since then?
Sid: Nope
Admissions Witch: Take this form, take the gold elevators to the fourth floor.

Michelle, Coolest Nurse Ever: Can you tell me why you’re here today?
Sid: I heard it was Ladies Night.
Michelle CNE: You were misinformed.
Sid: So my ass is hanging out of this gown for nothing?
Michelle CNE: No, that’s just for our entertainment. Now why are you here?
Sid: I suppose you can take this lump out of the right side of my neck.
Michelle CNE: It says here it’s the left side.
Sid: I ain’t paying for this if he takes anything out of the left side.
Michelle CNE: Let me call him and have that corrected.
Sid: That would be swell.

Michelle CNE:
OK, I have it corrected. I need you to sign the surgery consent form.
Sid: (reading) So this gives him permission to slice my neck open.
Michelle CNE: Yes.
Sid: Cool. The last guy that did that to me didn’t even ask.
Michelle CNE: Now sign the anesthesia consent form:
Sid: (reading) This says I can die.
Michelle CNE: You won’t.
Sid: (reading more) It says I might remember stuff about the operation.
Michelle CNE: Yeah, that would suck.
Sid: Here ya’ go.

Michelle CNE: (starting IV) You have good veins.
Sid: I bet you say that to all your patients.

Michelle CNE: Transport should be coming to get you soon – you doing OK?
Sid: I could use a jelly donut.
Michelle, Worst Nurse Ever: No.

Transport Girl #1: Can you get up on this table for me?
Sid: Can you stop looking at my ass?

Anesthesiologist: Have you had general before?
Sid: Hell, yeah.
Anesthesiologist: Any problems?
Sid: Hell, no.
Anesthesiologist: Let’s rock n’ roll.

Unidentified Masked Woman #1:
We’re going to give you a sedative……
Sid: Zzzzzzzzzz…..

Recovery Nurse:
Hey, Sid.
Sid: Hey, recovery nurse lady.
Recovery Nurse Lady: How’s your pain?
Sid: Got any Demerol?
Recovery Nurse Lady: How about some fentanyl?
Sid: I hear it works better if you mix it with heroin.
Recovery Nurse Lady: I don’t think so, Sid.

Transport Girl #2: I’m going to take you back to your room now.
Sid: You’re not Phoebe Cates.
Transport Girl #2: And you’re not Brad Pitt.

Mrs. F’er: Hey, Sid.
Sid: How was your test?
Mrs. F’er: It went well.
Sid: Zzzzzzz….

Mrs. F’er: Hey, Sid.
Sid: How was your test?
Mrs. F’er: It went well.
Sid: Zzzzzzz….

Mrs. F’er: Hey, Sid.
Sid: How was your test?
Mrs. F’er: It went well.
Sid: I already asked you that, didn’t I?
Mrs. F’er: Yes.
Sid: Zzzzzzz……

Mrs. F’er: Hey, Sid.
Sid: How was your test?
Mrs. F’er: It went well.
Sid: I already asked you that, didn’t I?
Mrs. F’er: Yes.
Sid: Zzzzzzz……

Michelle CNE: Do you want something to drink?
Sid: Bombay Sapphire martini, up. Shaken, not stirred.
Michelle CNE: How about some juice, Mr. Bond?
Sid: Fine.
Michelle CNE: Here are some crackers if you feel like eating.
Sid: I love you, too.

Michelle CNE: So when you get home, blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah blah.
Sid: (blank stare)
Michelle CNE: Any questions?
Sid: (looks to Mrs. F’er)
Mrs. F’er: I’ve got it.

Michelle CNE: How’s the pain?
Sid: How about a T3 for the road?
Michelle CNE: I can do that.
Sid: I love you, you know.
Michelle CNE: I know. Go home now. And good luck.

14 comments:

del said...

Sid Bond....who knew? Glad things went well and you had Michelle, the Coolest Nurse Ever, to look after you. I'm sure Mrs. F'er was happy about Michelle too!

BTW, did Mrs. F'er get any pictures of the ass gown? Just wondering. No reason.

kristy said...

And the nurses are still talking...."what an sss"...


: )

Anonymous said...

lol, I meant ass and no I have no idea what happened to the rest of your pills.

HR said...

You're a brave man, Sid. How you can be so blase about having a parasitic alien life form removed from your neck is beyond me.

Nurse Joy and I are hoping you're doing well.

Anonymous said...

I would have been more impressed if you had the surgery in a clinic in TJ, Mexico. Bitch!

Leper Hopeful said...

Much better than the Bryan Adams song.
In fact, so entertaining it's the antithesis of getting cut, like, with a knife. More like getting fanned with palm fronds by hot members of the opposite sex (or same sex if you like) who feed you dates and bring you tasty Bombay Sapphire martinis while you chill by the pool. Yeah, like that.

SGB said...

What you don't understand Sid is that 20 minutes after you left the nurse were all talking about you...

CNE...that old guy was creepy, he thought he was funny, but just creepy.

2nd Nurse: yeah and did you see his ass...gross

chimon said...

You were in Elmhurst and you didn't call my mom?

devious d said...

Holy f'in s*&t. You were in the hospital, and Ms. F'er wasn't the one to talk you into it, for experimentation, on the stiff's day off. I'm hanging up my gossip girl beret right now.

And thanks for letting us laugh at your pain. Definitely gave me a pain in the side laughing. (Someone's gotta do it, and I'm glad it's me.) I won't go the obvious route and ask who gave you the pain in the neck...

You make good old EMH sound like a fun place. Try the ER there sometime--or no, don't.

Seriously, though, get well soon, Mr. F'er. I take it this has no effect whatsoever on your writing abilities.

Side note to leper hopeful--
Had to read your line...
"like getting fanned with palm fronds by hot members of the opposite sex"
...a couple of times before I got the picture right. The imagination was running a bit wild, trying to figure out whose members would have the talent to do something like that, and would I pay to see it?
I think the answer is yes.

keysunset said...

Just reading about your experience gives me chills. Get better soon!

BTW, how was Mrs. F'er's test?

:-)

Leper Hopeful said...

Side note to leper hopeful--
Had to read your line...
"like getting fanned with palm fronds by hot members of the opposite sex"
...a couple of times before I got the picture right. The imagination was running a bit wild, trying to figure out whose members would have the talent to do something like that, and would I pay to see it?
I think the answer is yes.


That's what I'm here for - to make imaginations run wild.

Anonymous said...

BTW, how was Mrs. F'er's test?
:-)


It went well.

It went well.

It went well.

It went well.

It went well.

leplov said...

Youch Sid! Glad you had the CNE too. But since you have the CWE (coolest wife ever) you are undoubtedly in good hands at home too.

AMAI said...

four fried chickens and a coke - LOVE the Blues Bros reference.

Your mom sounds like Mr. AMAI's mom.

Love this whole post, Sid! So, are you feeling zzzzzz?