Monday, November 10, 2008

Obama Rub Time Line

Most of you are aware that Barack Obama has been elected as the 44th president of the United States. What most of you don't know is that Barack and I have lived remarkably similar lives. We are about the same age. He is three years my senior, but I don't mind having given him a bit of a head start. It is hard to believe that our individual destinies have taken us to such disparate lots in life. Upon closer examination of our lives, one would think we would now be sharing the office of the presidency as the first ever Co-Presidents in American history. Somehow, it just did not work out that way.

To prove my point, without actually having one, I have composed a time line of our lives, using Barack's time line as determined by the Associated Press (11/8/08). I don't mind following his lead.

Read below to see which one of us screwed up and when.


Barack Obama

Moist Rub


Born on Aug. 4 in Honolulu.

Existed as protein molecules passed around a ranch in Wyoming to be eventually turned into sperm by father after eating a meatball sandwich in 1964. Subsequently fertilized mother’s ovum following a heated night of gin rummy (note: beat out that one sperm with the double flagellum).


Moves to Indonesia with mother and stepfather.

Moves bowels in cloth diapers. Father forgets to change diapers for a few days while mother is away visiting relatives. Still has part of the rash to this day.


Returns to Hawaii to live with maternal grandparents.

Discovers the wonderful world of game show television with programs like Password and The Newlywed Game, eventually leading to recurring infatuation with Brett Somers.


Helps his high school basketball team win a state championship.

Experiences first of many knee injuries thus destroying potential hundred million dollar multi-sport athletic career.


Graduates from Columbia University; works for a business research company.

Graduates from Amos Alonzo Stagg High School. Diploma withheld because Track and Field uniform was not turned in. Spends celebratory dinner at Mama Luigi’s sulking. Attends University of Illinois. Meets Sid F’er.


Works as a community organizer in poor section of Chicago.

Drunk in college. Co-writes “Alan” and records it for posterity as guitarist for Leprosy (the world’s greatest band that was never meant to be).


Enters Harvard Law School; graduates in 1991.

Is allowed to graduate from the University of Illinois. Currently encumbered from ever returning to school there because of some superficial arson charges.


Becomes first black editor of prestigious Harvard Law Review.

Finally gets a “real job” for some soulless, profit gorging, conglomeration of quarterly fabrications.


Runs Project Vote! which registers 150,000 new voters in Chicago; marries Michelle Robinson.

In a strategic move to secure a lifetime of free sex, marries Mrs. Rub.


Joins law firm specializing in civil rights cases; becomes a lecturer at University of Chicago law school.

About a year after the birth of son, Rubson, determines that people should have to pass a test and become certified in order to become a parent, knowing full well he never would have passed.


Publishes "Dreams from My Father," a well-reviewed memoir about growing up in America with an absent African father.

Spends most days waiting for friends to have kids, too. Sits at home while friends are out having fun.


Elected an Illinois state senator.

Rubdaughter is born. Doesn’t realize it at the time, but it is the best thing that ever happened to him. Rubdaughter takes offense at being referred to as a “thing”.


Daughter Malia is born.

After the first family dog, Emily, is killed in the infamous Mother’s Day Dog Killing Traffic Miscue, the family obtains Cammie, the second family dog, from a dog rescue in Bourbonnais, IL.


Loses Democratic primary in Illinois' 1st Congressional District to incumbent Rep. Bobby Rush.

Celebrating the new millennium with a 7 year old and a 3 year old was not as much fun as Prince’s song promised. Nobody had a lion in a pocket.


Daughter Sasha is born.

For some reason, the family needed another dog, so they went and got one while Moist lay in a hospital where medical personnel had to enter through an existing orifice to retrieve a kidney stone. Cailey, the dog, not the kidney stone, was welcomed to the family.


Speaks out against invading Iraq.

Informed that services as a husband were no longer required. Released back into society as a gentleman bachelor.


Delivers keynote address at Democratic convention; elected to U.S. Senate.

After being ridiculed for driving a 1989 Plymouth Reliant K car for two years, bought a 2002 Pontiac Aztek. This did not squelch the ridicule.


Publishes "The Audacity of Hope," a book detailing his views on national affairs; his narration of "Dreams from My Father" wins a Grammy Award for best spoken album of 2005.

A year in to contributing to the award winning blog, Leper Pop, decides he has nothing better to do, so decides to continue wasting people’s time and clogging up the Internet.


Launches presidential campaign; raises a record $100 million in campaign contributions.

Bored, takes up the hobby of letting his hair grow long.

Jan. 3, 2008

Wins Iowa Democratic caucuses; becomes the front-runner for the presidential nomination.

Still hung over from New Year’s Eve.

Feb. 10, 2008

"The Audacity of Hope" narration wins him a second Grammy.

Got drunk at Kowal’s Bar for friend’s birthday.

June 3, 2008

Locks up the Democratic presidential nomination.

Not much going on. Just a regular Tuesday. May have mowed the lawn.

Aug. 28, 2008

Accepts the presidential nomination at Democratic National Convention.

Irritated because Ugly Betty rerun pre-empted by some dumb political circus show. Curses the existence of George Will.

Nov. 4, 2008

Elected president.

Spent the evening watching election results. Didn’t see his name anywhere.

Eerie, isn't it?


keysunset said...

It certainly is eerie! I also did not see your name anywhere while watching the election results.

Wow, I was inspired to create my own life timeline beside yours and Obama's, but only for a few misguided seconds.

Oh, and I'm first.

p.s. And now Wise Word Verification is making up foreign words: cidosete. Doesn't that sounds sorta Spanish?

moist rub's mom said...

I'm surprised you got as far as you did.

lim said...

Moist Rub for President!!

First item on the agenda...let us take care of that rash!

ben, your friendly spanish TA said...

cidosete is spanish for smegma.

del said...

Has Obama given you a cabinet post yet? I'm thinking Secretary of the Internet. And you can get the Doctrine of Cool passed as the 28th Amendment.

LA Ray said...

I was wondering who bought the only Aztek ever made. Is that thing considered a car?

kristy said...

This is the best blog posting ever!
My dad had a 1989 Plymouth Reliant K car. I can't believe you had such a square ass car.

Moist Rub said...

Square ass car? The chicks dug it (the ones that were after me for my body instead of my money, anyway).

And, I almost thought about painting flames on the sides.