An Easter Discussion

Jesus did not go get a burrito first thing after coming back from the dead. They didn't have burritos then. He probably had a matza ball and some gebrattens.

He was JESUS. He could turn a pile of camel shit into a burrito if he wanted to.

I don't know. It's not like he could have whipped out a miracle to do anything he wanted to do. They should have cut off his head instead of crucifying him. Apparently, he could rise from the dead, but he couldn't heal his wounds, since he still had the holes in his hands and feet from the nails and the gash in his side when he came back. They could have taken his head and thrown it into the ocean, leaving the rest of him in the tomb.

When he showed up in heaven, god wouldn't have known who he was - "This can't be right, my son had a head the last time I saw him. Are you sure you aren't Holofernes? How did you get out of hell, you bastard?!"

Unless he compared Jesus' footprints to the footprints the manger medical staff took and put on his birth certificate.

Plus, the beheading would have delayed his return to life because he would have had to take some time to find his head. If he didn’t, the disciples would have had the same doubt god would have had - "You're not Jesus! Where's your head? You’re that bastard Holofernes straight from the crags of hell, aren’t you?! If you really are Jesus, turn my wife's foot into a gefilte fish. Go ahead. I dare you."

Instead of three days, maybe we would have a full week of holiday, which means a full week of boozing if you are anything like the Christians I know.

"Drinkin' thy blood" all week long!

It definitely would have thrown a wrench into the entire religion. And the iconography would have been totally different. Instead of a cross, it could have been a decapitation axe, maybe with drips of blood coming off of it. Do you know how cool that would look hanging on a necklace?

Holy heavy metal religiosity, Batman!

Or maybe an octopus beak.

No, that wouldn’t work unless they killed him with an octopus beak.

But, it would look cool on a necklace.

Yeah, it would.

Jesus would have come back and said something like, "Uh, fellas, yo apostles, I would've been back sooner, but I had to wrestle my head from the beak of an octopus. It took me a while to figure out how to get under the water because I kept walking on the surface out of habit. The trick is in weight distribution. And I can't seem to get my head to stay balanced on top of my neck. Anybody got a staple gun? I'm not setting a very good example as a savior here, am I? I thought they were going to hang me on a cross. Who knew Pontius Pilate was so adept at wielding a battle axe. And jeez, was he ever pissed off. As god as my witness, I never saw it coming. Of course, if god was witnessing me, maybe he could have warned me. You know, 'Look out Jesus, axe at 2 o'clock!' or something like that. My father never loved me. I can't believe he put me through this. I think it's because I throw like a girl. I'm the worst messiah, EVER!"

Stupid, incompetent Romans. They ruined everything. No wonder their empire fell apart.

Yeah, I know.

The Devil's Business

I’m going to start a business. Being a shrewd entrepreneur, I will search for a line of business where my chief competitor will exploit my operations to bolster her/his success. In fact, the mission of my business will be to deter customers from patronizing my product, while reinforcing the attraction of my competitor’s product line. I stand to make millions, nay, billions. I’m surprised no one has yet adopted this idea.

Does this sound like a good plan? No, it doesn’t. It sounds like a moronic plan. It is a moronic plan. But, it has been attempted, and it continues to be used today (depending upon your mythological beliefs, that is. If your beliefs do not coincide with the following verbiage, humor me, and suspend those beliefs until I am through.)

What kind of a numbskull would be so bold as to employ the previously described strategy? Look no further than the nearest pit of eternal damnation in your neighborhood. That’s right, the genius I speak of is none other than the devil, himself. Or herself. As a devout feminist (as convenience calls), I firmly believe that a woman can achieve the depths of dastardly infamy as well as any man. In this scenario, though, it seems more fitting to present the classical male image of old gooseberry. Consider the stereotypical image of a man’s dumbfounded expression when he is caught in a dubious and imbecilic activity. That is the look I imagine the devil would express if he eventually realizes he is being played for a fool and is damned (pun intended) good at it.

Succinctly, the arrangement, as I understand it, is this. God offers to people an afterlife of euphoria, marked by constant bliss and everlasting pomp. In return, all he, or she (again, as with the devil, it is my belief that the “almighty” has every right and possibility of being female. My generation has been taught to believe that god, if in fact there is one, is male. But in the interests of equality, those of us who think of ourselves as “sensitive to the issue”, in an attempt to flaunt our righteousness, will use the phrase, “or her/she” in situations like this [if you believe the lord can be either/both genders], where the sex of the object of the pronoun is ambiguous or unknown. Contrarily, we are not being “sensitive to the issue” because we are still putting the “male” first. The possibility of womanhood filling the role at hand is merely an afterthought in these circumstances. It is rare to see the opposite phrase [her, or him] written where the object is assumed female first and male as the afterthought. An effort needs to be made to split time equally between the sexes when making references. Better yet, a neutral pronoun, similar to “it”, needs to be created which will encompass both female and male forms. I propose the word “xe”, pronounced zheh, which can be used as a subject, noun, possessive, whatever [very versatile – kinda like the “f” word]. I chose this word because we don’t have enough words beginning with the letter x and it sounds silly. For example, “The teacher reached to pull down the map, and xe ripped xe’s drawers”. Okay, now back to the original sentence:) asks is that we remain true to xe and be good. It seems like an equitable deal.

Lucifer takes a different approach. His intent is to corrupt souls by coercing people to perform sinister activities in opposition to god’s will. It’s easy work and not a bad foundation for a strong company, because being bad is generally more convenient and is definitely more fun (provided the conscience is discounted) than being a goody-two-shoes. With a large sales force, consisting of various demons and tortured spirits, and an extensive legal staff (input crooked lawyer joke here), satan has positioned himself and his operation to procure innumerable clients.

One major flaw exists (and it is a doozy) in his scheme. Our buddy, the archfiend, does not provide fair compensation for those who fall prey to his enticing sales pitch. To those that honor his solicitation, he rewards an eternity of anguish and a seat on a Bunsen burner. This is no incentive to be bad. Sure, some of us will be roped in by the diversions available inherent in an ignominious temporal existence he claims to provide, but when it comes to closing time, most of us will realize the implications of the final sale and choose to shop elsewhere. Would you patronize a car dealer who, in an attempt to attract your business, promises to jab you with a pitchfork forever if you buy his car, even if the car can do zero to sixty in a nanosecond?

The silliest part of this whole set up is that the essence of satan’s promotion initiates impetus for people to favor the virtuous path (based on an average score throughout a life span. All of us stop in at Beelzebub’s Boutique to pick up a few things every now and again. It’s like a convenience store.) Satan’s payoff is a deterrent to the presence of the behavior his wishes to promote. His product drives customers away, directly to the door of his competitor.

Please do not mistake me for a holy roller. My intent is to examine this strange arrangement between the ethereal worlds. I am not taking sides on this matter. It befuddles me to think the devil would agree to this pact. He has got to be an idiot. Unless, he is working with god to compel people to goodness. Can he be taking kick backs from god? If this is a case, I have a newfound respect for old scratch. I don’t remember reading anything in the Bible about the creator and the fallen angel being in cahoots. Then again, I haven’t read much of the Bible. I can’t seem to get beyond the book of Genesis where they are explaining who begat whom, and how long everybody lived. It seems as if the writers did not have a clear direction of where they wanted to go with the book. I think, initially, they were just trying to fill space to meet the publisher’s first draft deadline.

This conspiracy theory involving an alliance between god and satan may be worth investigating. It may lead to another business idea. I think the government may already be employing it. I will contact my congressxe.