The Miley Cyrus Lesson

She’s at it again. Miley Cyrus has infiltrated my parenting world once again. A few months ago I wrote about how Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus hates my baby. She still does. Now she has my son’s interests in her sights. But this time, she is being helpful, not harmful. She has created an educational video lugging a valuable lesson for all the machine-gun-bonered adolescents of the world. Here, take a look..

Pretty amazing, huh? One would think that all I would have to do is show my son this video and all of my boy-girl relationship parenting guidance would be complete. Unfortunately, my son is not bright enough to comprehend the video’s blatant message, and, even if he was, I doubt he could see beyond his hormones. So, I’ll have to spell it out for him and his partners in his gender-age continuum. The rest of you can continue reading, but what follows is for the young men of the world.

At the core, what Miley is telling us is to stay away from girls because they are psychotic. But you won’t. Nor should you. But, don’t blame me when you are sitting in your car with the tires slashed, maple syrup gushing out of your carburetor, fingernail scratches on your neck, all of your money gone and you are wondering what the hell just happened. If this should happen to you, stop wondering. You will never figure it out. Just move on and see what happens tomorrow – it’ll probably be something that will confuse you even more.

To keep it simple, I will not attempt to interpret all of the lyrics. However, I will identify some points of danger in them later on. Let’s look at the song as a whole. What is it about? What is she telling us? (I don’t mean to generalize, but I’m using “she” in a general sense applying to all women. I do this because Miley Cyrus is the voice of all women, from what I’ve heard.) First, she reflects on our prior relationship. Then she tells us there are seven things she hates about us. That’s understandable. It’s no surprise that there would be some animosity lurking after a break up. But then we find out the seventh thing she hates about us is that we make her love us. Sounds confusing, right? Well, it is, so don’t get too hung up on it. It’s confusing on two levels. First, how can she hate us and love us at the same time (unless she has multiple personalities – which she does, but this is not a psychological essay, so we’ll let that go)? Second, we weren’t trying to make anybody love us – we were just doing what our little generals wanted us to do (just so I don’t get into any kind of pedophilic trouble here, I’m using the term “we” and “us” in the general male sense, and it should only be perceived as applying to legally age congruent situations). By this point, we get the idea. We suck. Fine. We can live with that. We’ll go hang out with the fellas. But, no, we can’t do that, because, all of a sudden, without any warning, the second half of the song comes along and she’s telling us about the seven things she likes about us! Well, which is it???!!??

They can do that, you know. They can stop on an emotional dime and turn. One hundred and eighty degrees, if need be. Their emotional output mechanism is fine tuned from all the work they give it. This creates an emotional trajectory resembling a laser beam shot into a ball of uneven mirrors. It’ll drive you mad unless you learn to filter out everything except the important emotions – like the ones that will cost you money or require you to make an effort. We guys cannot be so precise with our emotions. Sure, we have emotions, but they serve us more as an infection than a social utility. When one emerges we try to ignore it hoping it will go away so we can get back to whatever it was that we were doing. We don’t have the means to make it stop and change its course. We have to ride it out until the next one comes along. In this sense, we are very much like geographic locales affected by varying weather patterns. Sometimes I like to think of myself as London, England – basically walking around in a fog. For extra credit, write a paper about your geographic emotional climate city.

Overall, as the song tells us, this is your lesson: Women are psychotic by male standards. The lyrics and the video support this claim. As promised, here are some lyrical danger zones of which you should be aware.

The initial break up has made her scared? What’s that all about? Scared? Scared of what – did the break up move her up on the Boogie Man’s list? Since she is now available, is she committed to follow through with her pre-arranged marriage to Ryan Seacrest? Will this cause George Bush to usurp the twenty-second amendment of the Constitution and stay in office? What the hell is so scary?

:~ Nothing is gonna change until you hear the seven things… ~: ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! DANGER WILL ROBINSON! Don’t you get it, man? She wants you to change. You can’t be who you are. You have to be who she wants you to be. These seven things are your honey-do list to selfamorphosis as designed by her. Run away. Run away as fast as you can.

“I wanna be with the one I know”. This relates to the prior lyric’s demand for change. The one she “knows” is her archetype for the ideal man – the one she’s been constructing in her head since she was born. If you aren’t that man already, there is no amount of changing you can do to become that man. Besides, you are a guy, so you can’t change, anyway. You’re better of being yourself and putting up with the insults.

Somewhere in the song she asks for a sincere apology. Go ahead and give her one, but it won’t change the fact that she caught you naked in the hot tub with three of her friends. I know, apologies don’t really do anything in the real world, but somehow they make a difference to girls. Just don’t ever let her know that none of your apologies have ever been sincere. The point of this lyric is that you have to apologize because the break up was your fault for not being her ideal man. In her defense, she probably already apologized to you, but you didn’t notice, nor did you care.

“Your friends are jerks”. The people you have let into your life, the ones you’ve palled around with your whole life, the ones who accept you for who you are and still are your friends (sure, there are plenty of things about you that bug them – it doesn’t mean they are going to write a psychotic love/hate song about you and expect you to change), the ones you have shit in the woods together with, well friend, they’re just not good enough. And when you act like them it hurts her. So quit trying to have fun, go sit in the corner and do as you’re told.

There is more evidence if you want to delve further into the lyrics. You can do that on your own for more extra credit. And be sure to explore the purpose for choosing the number "7" as the break point number of love/hate selections (it would be an ideal thing to do). As for the video, try watching it with the sound turned off and concentrate on the girls’ expressions and their mannerisms, especially the stuffed animal clutching. If you didn’t know this was a Miley Cyrus music video, you very well may mistake it for a documentary depicting women in a prison for the criminally insane.

There you have it, young men. Miley Cyrus has given it to you straight. She is very wise with her manipulation of the music video art form. As I said before, this should not deter you from trying to have meaningful relationships with women. Miley Cyrus can only tell you so much. There is much more to learn about them, although, you will find that it eventually comes back to what Miley has taught you in this video. Try to enjoy the good times, and take the blame for the bad times.

As a personal note to Miley Cyrus, I thank you for your help in this matter, but it does not make up for the hate Hannah Montana launched at my little girl. You still owe me for that.

Oh, and just in case any women or Alan Aldas out there take offense to anything I’ve written above, remember, these ideas were all those of Miley Cyrus, not of my own. I was merely acting as a conduit to enlightenment, kind of like a hookah.

The Man Zoo

I have figured it out – the key to the success of the future of our society. It wasn’t easy for me to do this, because of my limited cognitive capacity due to my lack of advanced state as a life form (as you’ll learn about shortly). But I did it. This is a woman’s world, and it’s about time they took it over.

I’ve been listening to women lately. In the past I have pretended to listen to them, but I wasn’t. Instead, I was thinking about sports or sex or food or some combination of them. But, lately, I’ve been paying attention. I’ve learned a lot, of what I could understand, anyway.

In addition to the topics I do not (cannot) understand, like beauty and fashion ideas, raising children, Desperate Housewives, flaky feet elixirs, feelings and emotions, general concern for people and railroad design theory, women talk a great deal about men. Sometimes it’s their husbands or boyfriends, sometimes it’s the men in their family and sometimes it’s men in general. As far as I can figure out, they don’t like us very much. Apparently, all we men ever think about is sex, sports and food, and we shouldn’t be. We don’t care about anybody’s feelings except our own. We have no control over our bodily functions. We sit on the couch all day long, have no clue how to raise children, are tremendous slobs, are too hairy and are incapable of making any kind of decision other than deciding which direction to aim our farts. And, we are incapable of opening up emotionally to another human being (specifically, them). Some women go on to say that men have been running this world throughout its history, and they’ve done a pretty crappy job doing it.

I can’t argue. I agree with them. All the criticism women have of men is true (as far as I can tell, anyway). And, I know why. The simple fact is that the male human is a slightly less advanced life form than is the female human.

Many may consider me somewhat of a modern day Pliny the Elder standing at the foot of an erupting Mount Vesuvius, as I have not employed the scientific method in this discovery. I do not have any scientific proof, such as DNA evidence, strictly controlled behavioral analysis or even Ouija board case studies, to support my claim. All I have are vicarious experiences and provisional deduction, which my standards of study shoddily accept.

Empirical evidence shows men to be governed by two great innate forces – sex and aggression. Generally speaking, men want to have sex and if they can’t have sex, they resort to beating somebody up (or kicking a dog, slamming a door, pounding a sledge hammer on a comforter, etc.). I don’t want to get into all the specific data that supports this declaration. Suffice it to say that the proof for male aggression is in all the wars this world had suffered. If men were getting enough sex (which is impossible in the male mind), they wouldn’t have time for wars. The point is that these characteristics are among the most base in the animal world. Aggression is a conflict resolution technique used by lower life forms because they do not have brains capable of reasoning through a problem. Take, for example, the rhinoceros. Have you ever tried talking sense to a rhinoceros? It’s impossible. Before you can get two words out, they charge at you, attempting to acquaint you with their horn. It’s not like I meant to run over his mailbox. I was just trying to avoid hitting the meerkat that jumped out between the parked cars. If the rhino was having sex at the time, he would have never even noticed. And if he did notice, he wouldn’t have cared, at least not until he was finished. By then I would have been long gone. I tried to offer to pay for it, but then the charging happened. It didn’t solve anything. Sure, I’m gored, and all, but I still think he’s a jerk.

Women, to the contrary, excel in communication and community building. Women are the architects of society with the emotions they wield and the nurturing they bestow. The human animal depends on this society for survival and to support progress. Without their ability, we would all be living in houses with no sheets on the beds, no food in the refrigerators and no silverware organizers in the drawers. That’s how animals would live if they could figure out how to build houses.

These are characteristics of an advanced life form who work together for the survival of the species, instead of the survival of a single member of that species, like men do (hence the reason men only think of themselves). Consider the slug. Slugs are very low life forms. Do you ever see a group of slugs getting together for a Tupperware party? Need I say more?

These societal factors as I outlined them above suggest that women are higher life forms than men. But there is more evidence out there. Way out there. Look to the cosmos and the physical laws that rule it. There is a wonderful concept in physics called entropy. Entropy is the tendency for all matter and energy in the universe to evolve toward a state of disorder. It is in entropy that we shall find truth.

If you believe in the Big Bang theory, or some facsimile of it, prior to the big bang, this universe was in perfect order. Everything was organized into a single dot or spec or whatever (I don’t want to get too technical on you). Then, all of a sudden, the dot exploded and expanded and then galaxies formed, and stars formed and planets formed and life formed, and that life formed fans, which were subsequently hit by shit, which added to the disorder. The universe became more and more disordered, and becomes more disordered each second. It may seem that the universe is becoming more ordered, but it’s not. Trust me. Do the math: S = k log W. Consequently, anything helping the entropy in its plight for disorder would be more in tuned with the universe than something that is not.

When I first learned of entropy, I thought it gave me an excuse to sit on my ass and do nothing, since it’s easy to let things fall apart. I figured it was nature’s way, so I embraced it. However, I was wrong. As it turns out, when women straighten out a room, put things away, organize their recipe cards and reorganize their shoes, they are adding to the entropy of the universal system, not quelling it. It may appear on the surface to the uninformed that women are creating order. But, they’re not. In the whole scheme of things, the heat they release and the disruption that heat causes to atoms floating around us while women rearrange their closets actually messes up things more than the order they attempt to achieve. Women, with their organizing efforts, are adding more to the natural entropy than we guys do sitting on a bar stool watching sports. They are more in tune with the cosmos because they are a higher life form.

Now that we know that women are more advanced then men, how do we use this knowledge to help society? Well, what do we do with lower life forms? That’s right, we put them in zoos. That is what I suggest women do with men. Although, like circus animals, men can contribute to society. I propose a work release zoo program for men. Men can do things women don’t want to do, like haul Port-o-Johns, clean Port-o-Johns and use Port-o-Johns. I’m sure there are other things men can do. Not that women couldn’t do whatever those things are, but why should they if they have a work release zoo full of men to do them?

Zoo technology has advanced over the years. The days of sequestering animals in cages are gone. Today’s zoos are built in a manner so they emulate the animals’ natural habitats and living conditions, including food, instinctual requirements (yes, I’m talking about accommodating the human male animal’s sex drive. More on that later.) and leisure. The man zoo should be created in the same fashion. The environment should be equipped with sports bars, playing fields, leather recliners, garages/work sheds and massage parlors. Studies have shown that the average man can work effectively for only four hours per day. This should be considered when creating work release schedules.

The work release programs should be designed to take advantage of each individual male’s talents. Some are good at math, so put them to work in insurance companies. Some are good at cuddling, so dish them out to women who need some cuddling. Note: expecting a non-cuddler male to cuddle will cause a similar result as expecting an elephant to incubate a chicken egg - so make sure your assessments are accurate. Some men actually are good at listening and empathizing. Harnessing these rare specimens could be a great money making initiative to the entrepreneurial woman. Then there are the builder men, the fixer men, the heavy lifting men, the plumbing men, etc. I’m sure you women will be able to figure it all out. I certainly can’t, being a lower life form, and all.
Maintaining a healthy male population in the man zoo will also necessitate the instinctual requirements (as mentioned above) of the human male animal to be satisfied. There are a number of ways you can accomplish this. One would be to relegate select “hot” and “adventurous” members of the female population to “work” with the animals. A more severe and cruel solution would be castration (please don’t do this. C’mon, you’ve already put us in zoos! What more do you want???). One last suggestion would be the invention and implementation of the BJ 2500 robot, fully equipped with drink holder, ash tray and sandwich dispenser. But, you ladies do what you think is necessary.

Once the men are safely tucked away in the sports bars, I mean, man zoos, women can run the planet as they see fit. I would expect to see less wars, less pollution, a better environment, more human dignity abound and more knick knack stores. If any men act up, then employ the castration I talked you out of in the last paragraph. Freeing the world of the scourge that is the less developed human male animal will certainly pave the way for the success of the matriarchal society our species has evolved to maintain. We already have the raw materials – sports bars, leather recliners, playing fields, etc. They just need to be organized into a zoo setting. Once women use their entropy enhancing powers to do so, the world will be a better place.