They say that sometimes you can’t change a behavior until you’ve hit rock bottom. I hit rock bottom this week. We’re talking in the gutter, wearing your own puke rock bottom. That’s right… I caught myself watching Skating With Celebrities this week. I didn’t mean to watch it, and I’m blaming it on Mrs. F’er. I take that back, as I need to take responsibility for my own behavior. Here’s my story….
It all started with Super Bowl XXXIX – that’s 39 for all you that didn’t take Roman in high school or haven’t dated a big, strong gladiator like me. After the game last year, Fox decided to show the two-hour season premiere of XXIV (24). I didn’t see the first three seasons, but I finally decided to see what all the hype was about. Mrs. F’er looked on with disdain as I wiped the nacho cheese sauce from my chin and tuned in to my 12th consecutive hour of television that day. Desperate for some quality time with me, she reluctantly joined me on the couch and we introduced ourselves the men and women of CTU.
The show kept my interest for a few weeks after that, but I have the attention span of a gnat when it comes to most things and I slowly lost interest and focused my attention on more important activities such as tie-dying my underwear. However, guess who kept watching? That’s right, Mrs. F’er. At first I was amused, but then the Kiefer Sutherland screen savers started showing up on the computer. Then the posters and calendars began covering the house. The fan club membership including the honorary CTU badge and Chloe decoder necklace arrived in the mail. I went out of town one week last summer for work, and I’m pretty sure she spent 72 straight hours watching Seasons 1 – 3 on DVD, stopping only to check the Kiefer fan sites for updated photo galleries at the top of each hour.
That brings us to 2006. I suffered the physical abuse of being placed into a suffocating headlock after talking during the previews of the upcoming season. Needless to say, both televisions in our home were tuned into the season premiere, just in case one experienced an untimely malfunction. Desperate for some quality time with Mrs. F’er, I reluctantly joined her on the couch and tried to keep my mouth shut. It didn’t matter since I lost interest after about 23 minutes into the 1,440 scheduled. I found other important activities such as converting Neil Diamond lyrics into Morse code to amuse myself and avoid subsequent suffocating headlocks.
That brings us to last week. The tables are turned and Mrs. F’er has business out of town and leaves me alone at the house for a week. I’m pretty sure I spent 72 straight hours eating cans of cake frosting, stopping only to pray for a Growing Pains reunion show featuring Kirk Cameron since a Growing Pains reunion that doesn’t include Kirk cannot in good conscience call itself a reunion show. But I digress. Mrs. F’er called to interrupt the frosting binge and ask a small favor. It seems that her return flight happened to be scheduled during this week’s broadcast of 24 and she needed somebody to tape it. Ouch, bad planning, babe. I recognized my superior bargaining position and asked what it was worth to her, hoping that she would agree to a threesome with the brunette girl at the sunglasses store that looks like a younger Charlize Theron. Unfortunately, it was actually worth her not expending the energy of putting me in another suffocating headlock. So I grabbed a videotape and tried to figure out how to program the VCR since I’m 78 years old and nobody born before 1950 knows how to work them. Not wanting to risk screwing it up, I decided the best course of action would be to just turn on the damn TV, put the tape in, and hit the button that said “RECORD” in large red letters. The only remaining challenge was that whole crazy time zone issue, which caused me to turn on the damn TV one hour early. There I was greeted not by my nemesis Kiefer Sutherland, but by an extremely gay Scott Hamilton and the cast of Skating With Celebrities. Somehow I was instantly transfixed. I could not turn it off. I waited to learn the premise of the show and waited to see what would happen next. And I’ll review what happened in my next post.
Just so you aren’t left totally hanging, I did successfully record the said episode of 24. I was rewarded for my completing my challenge, but I still can’t figure out why she kept calling me Jack…