Yep, that time again… new year’s resolutions. Seeing as I have already reached the pinnacle of personal achievement and success, I decided that my time would be spent more wisely helping others. So why not start with Marty Casey and our other friends from Rock Star: INXS. As usual, in order of not roitness:
Dana: Drop acid, attempt trip into the 21st century.
Wil: Refrain from using seductive gaze to create uncomfortable feelings in unsuspecting bloggers with no previous homosexual tendencies.
Neal: Eat cheeseburger, quit passing out from malnourishment.
Daphna: Stop wearing wedding dress to job interviews (and while singing Clash songs).
Heather: Continue to promote world harmony and unity by tattooing butterfly on ass.
Tara: Apply for job driving Zamboni at local rink. Save 10% of income toward down payment on own Zamboni.
Brandon: Quit pulling out acoustic guitar and breaking into a sing-a-long of “Sweet Home Alabama” anytime more than three people congregate. Learn chords to “Gimme Three Steps”.
Jessica: Have vagina lowered, push low rider jeans to new limits.
Deanna: Get divorce, go back to dating assholes, write hit album of Alanis Morissette inspired tunes.
Ty: Write letter to Mark Burnett proposing Rock Star: Thin Lizzy, put out kick ass performances week after week, accuse George Bush of not caring about black people if not victorious.
Jordis: Become more comfortable in front of camera by posing nude for art students at local community college.
Suzie: Quit wearing hat proclaiming self “Queen of the Menstrual Cycle” every time period starts.
MiG: Quit referring to penis as good friend Brian May from Queen.
Marty: Quit writing silly songs about trees and begin collaboration with Moist Rub.
JD: Return to school to finish PhD in neuroscience because while other students are learning about brains, I know them because I love them.