Sunday, April 30, 2006

Thoughts From The Saddle

I’ve finally gotten back on my bike after a long and unnecessary winter layoff of eating Marshmallow Fluff and avoiding exercise like a rear end collision in a Ford Pinto. Not only does riding help get me back in shape, but the long miles give me time to think and clear my head. Sometimes this is dangerous. Here are some of my thoughts and other items that came out of the memory banks during the 75 miles I traveled this weekend.

So around mile 18 on Saturday an old dude (older than I) comes hammering past me as if I were on a Big Wheel. That makes me realize how out of shape I really am. Unless the old dude was Eddy Merckx, in which case I shouldn’t feel so bad. However, I seriously doubt that Eddy left Belgium for a weekend just to humiliate me on the backroads of Argyle, Texas. If you don’t know who Eddy is then check out Wikipedia since I’m apparently too fat, lazy and out of shape to explain.

Kellie Pickler may be cute now, but she’s got Carnie Wilson written all over her.

Nobody should drive with a dog on xe lap, but especially men. Unless it’s a German Shepard. And the German Shepard has a license. Not a dog license, but a drivers license.

How come you don’t find Odd Couple reruns on TV anymore?

Everytime I see the new Ted Ferguson commercials it makes me think of Turd Ferguson and I laugh. It’s a funny name.

Speaking of commercials, I find myself getting inexplicably turned on by that fairy in the Dodge Caliber commercial. Gay people seem offended and that’s just silly.

I saw a woman reading People magazine in the airport and it reminded me of a quote I read recently. I couldn’t find where I had read it and don’t know who to attribute it to, but it went something like, “For a nation that boasts one of the highest literacy rates in the world, it’s shame we haven’t taught our population what to read.” That should also be obvious from your presence here.

Few people will change their energy consumption habits and all this government talk about commitment to alternative energies is likely bullshit, so I came up with an idea. Why don’t we just steal the oil from the Middle East from underneath them. If we drill from a point in the South Pacific (international waters) through the center of the earth we should be able to tap their reserves and solve the supply problem. Need to fire all those aerospace engineers at NASA and get some geologists on the payroll.

Why do clerks at hotels have their hometown on their nametags? Why do they move for a crappy clerk job? There are hotels in the towns I see on their nametags - so what are they running away from? Should that me make nervous?

I was in the elevator the other day with a woman that smelled like a dentist’s office. It wasn’t bad, but I still felt like rinsing and spitting as soon as we got out.

Bonus story from the road:
I’m going through security at the airport last week when they decide to do a bag check. That’s not uncommon since the fake can of peanut brittle with the spring loaded snakes that pop out which I travel with is often mistaken for a pipe bomb. Then they do the bag check and we all have a good laugh. But this time I was nervous since I had been working at an explosives plant all day and they also test for explosive material. Between the explosives residue and my Al-Qaeda issue beard, I was pretty sure I was going to end up in Guantanamo Bay and considered making a break for it. But I maintained my cool, and my bag passed without incident. But if I disappear someday I suggest arranging a rescue mission to Cuba to bust me out.

15 comments:

AMAI said...

I may never go bike riding again. Thanks, Sid.

del901 said...

Wow. If you thought of all that over 75 miles, just think, a few thousand more miles and you could answer all the big questions: world hunger, peace in our time and how Moist Rub got his nickname.

AMAI: I was going to add "Solve the Caramilk secret", but I realized that was too Canadian.

Sid F'er said...

Please feel free to share your Canadian culture - I'm already bewildering my friends with talk about Canadian Tire money.

del901 said...

Well then, Sid, here it is:

The Secret: http://www.cadbury.ca/page.cfm?id=AA1CC7B9-31C7-46A3-BD00-A1EFF7165257
One proposed solution: http://www3.ns.sympatico.ca/mt-edward/cadbury.htm

Shhhhh, don't tell anyone!

Moist Rub said...

Way to use "xe", my man. We'll get it in the dictionary someday.

keysunset said...

avoiding exercise like a rear end collision in a Ford Pinto What about the snowboarding? That was some exercise wasn't it? Or was that more of a rear end collision!

I'd not seen that Dodge ad and it hit me wrong when I watched your link. Then I read the article you linked to. Thanks for that, really. Some people are just clueless, or insensitive, or worse ...

Between the explosives residue and my Al-Qaeda issue beard, I was pretty sure I was going to end up in Guantanamo Bay I guess you weren't wearing the new black then ...

Thanks for "stream of consciousness Sid"! I always get something out of what you and Moist write. ;-)

L A Ray said...

Hey bitch, shave already

LeperLover said...

At any point during this 75 miles did the thought "Man, my ass hurts" ever arise?

And watch it Ray or all of us leper women may converge on you at Leperpalooza and rub our hairy armpits all over you!

Sid F'er said...

I think the shave comment was directed at me, but feel free to carry on with the hirsute attack.

If I'm riding regularly, no, my ass doesn't hurt. But early in the season, yes, I do find myself thinking that on occasion.

Sergeant Hulka said...

What, it takes time to redevelop your ass callus?

Sid F'er said...

That's right, Uncle Hulka. Just like playing guitar... except with your ass.

keysunset said...

playing guitar with your ass?

That'd be a sight.

You might want to use that body groomer first. Hate for those, ah, hairs to get caught in the wound strings...

Sergeant Hulka said...

I highly suggest you use a thumb pick for picking the lower pitch notes of your ass, and just two bare fingers for the higher pitches. Rest your pinky wherever you feel most comforted. You'd best get a plastic pick. I think the metal one would just get all rusty.

del901 said...

Sid, if you play the guitar with your ass at Leperpalooza, I'm going to ask for a refund!

Sid F'er said...

Refund? That's pretty funny. Moist will have already spent the gate revenue on a bottle of Jack.