Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Sid's Bored - AI 2/27

I'm stuck in the hospital with crappy channels and have an hour to spare before having to feed myself, so let's check out AI. I haven't been watching so I'm not sure who these people are or how this works. I think the winner gets to do a movie with Eddie Murphy. This ain't a regular feature, either... if you want that stuff go visit our old friend AMAI at Islands In The Stream. I believe it's a site dedicated to Kenny Rogers, Dolly Parton and home redecorating, but people seem to dig it.

First up - Phil - appears to be a Coast Guard dude that was released from his important role in the war on terror to share his gift with us. Apparently the gift of being a good karaoke guy. I won't be missing him at all when he goes away. Damn, Simon just stole my karaoke line. Then let's just say that Phil will be a fine line cook after serving his 39 tours of duty and he will probably get some consistant torn-up waitress tail by singing to them in the kitchen.

Jared is trying to accomplish something more adventurous by doing some Marvin Gaye. Because there's nothing edgier than Marvin Gaye. He looks like he just wants to hang out and tutor some underprivileged youth, but his parents are forcing him into being a man-child star. Like most of these songs, he makes me want to put on a Marvin Gaye record and forget I've ever heard this noise.

I missed AJ's backstory while trying to figure out how to upgrade my Blogger account. He picked a cool song, but it's a chick song. And while he did sing it like a chick and looked like a chick singing it, they should make him go sit with the girls and compete with them if he's going to be that way about it. Check out some Motorhead, AJ, and bring it like Lemme before you start menstruating.

Sanjaya - wow, pathetic. He's Indian, but the skinny dude put his hair up in a hat and he was a tad Prince-ish. If you dressed Prince at the Salvation Army, dumped some date-rape drug into his veins and then told him to make fun Harry Connick.

Chris - I'm sure I"m not the first to point out that he looks like Jack from the Osbournes. And he self-admittedly got the pretty hot wife despite his looks. Boring song, not much stage presence other than his Sideshow Bob haircut. Anyone that votes for this guy needs counseling.

Nick - He gushes a little too much about his girlfriend before the song, but picked a cool song (Fever) and did it without being annoying whatsoever. Not the greatest review, but I guess he should be thankful based on what I've seen so far.

Blake - He dresses like a fuckstick. Strike one. He wants to be Justin Timberlake. Strike two. He reminds you of your friend who thinks he's Justin Timberlake, you know, the one you just want to bitch slap and plant in the backyard. Strike three.

He'll probably win.

Brandon - I missed most of this performance but here are my vital signs as of 20:00 hours: Temp 37.3 C, BP 134/75, HR 81, Oxygen 99. Seemed like a pleasant enough song, but I won't be downloading that performance anytime soon. Or ever. Nor should anyone. But I bet his grandma liked it. Grandmas are like that.

Chris - Oooh, a second entry in the Timberlake subcompetition. I think Chris might be a better Justin than Blake. I still wanted to bitch slap him, but I think I'd spare planting him in any soil. Maybe he'll win.

Sundance - I saw Sundance's audition and I like him. But then he brings the most overplayed, make me want to scratch my eyes out, can't you think of anything else to request you blues club ninniies, songs - Mustang Sally. He makes it work and it's a nice change from the crap assembly line the other guys were working off of, but it wasn't much better than what you can hear on any given weekend in any given city with a fake blues club and a spare house band. I'll give him a break, but if I watch this show again, he had better be bringing the Motorhead unless he wants to end up going back to Saturday nights at the Roadhouse ($5 cover, $2.50 drafts all night long).

That's all I got. Go listen to some Maria McKee now.


keysunset said...

Damn, you are evil when you are bored, aren't you?

Wait, maybe that's just part of your normal temperament. Oh good, they haven't ray gunned that out of you yet.

So, now we know that 213's true identity is BLAKE!

Nice shout out for AMAI, she'll love you forever for that.

AND I'M FIRST!!!!!!!

Moist Rub said...

Also, nice shout out to HR:

"HR 81"

That's just the kind of spontaneous plublicity she needs to get her noticed by George Carlin.

I was going to start watching AI, but now you've ruined it for me, Sid.

Thanks a lot.

GC said...

I used to know a dude named Sundance. Burly maintenance worker in a steel plant. Damn nice fellow too. Therefore, I will root for whatever stupid jerkweed calls himself Sundance on American Idol.

Hey, has Paula been drunk this season yet? Sweeeet.

t.o.y. said...

he had better be bringing the Motorhead unless he wants to end up going back to Saturday nights at the Roadhouse

What happened to the cover band down at the marina?

Hope that damn song was the worst part of your day…

del said...

HR is 81? AMAI is a Kenny Rogers fan? 213 might be getting some company planted in the lawn? Wow, the stuff you can learn from a blog!

If these are the top 10 guys they could find, the rest of the season will be mock-worthy, indeed! Nice job! Your bordom is our gain!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the shout out! Wow! I bet that'll put some asses in the seats at my Myspace page.

Can't believe you made fun of Mowgli. It's a jungle out there.

Fox is gonna be so excited about your blog. They need a ratings bump on this show.

leplov said...

I had a goldfish named Lemme once. He died. I think I accidentally froze him.

And, damn HR! You are one fine looking 81 year old!

Thanks for the blog, Sid!