Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Whishouthimuhoay

Don Imus made some big news this week. Apparently, he’s not dead. That was news to me. I haven’t listened to him in years. The only reason I ever did listen to him was because I had been held captive in strange cities from time to time by my employer, and I was unfamiliar with the local radio stations. Imus was usually all I could find other than country stations or bible talk. Back then I found him to be self-centered, close-minded and boorish. From the looks of things, he hasn’t changed.

Most of you know what he did this week. If you don’t know, then I applaud you for ignoring this kind of crap better than I do. For those of you who are better crap-ignorers than I am, he referred to the Rutgers University women’s basketball team as “nappy-headed ho’s”. That’s what I’ve heard, anyway. I don’t know in what context he presented this allegation or what his intent was. My research staff doesn’t like that I don’t pay them, so they won’t tell me anything. I have heard, however, some of the outcry resulting from the comment. Seems old Don has been slapped with a racist/sexist sticker. I don’t know if that is a fair claim or not, but I do know that he was wrong to make that comment. Not wrong in a politically correct sense. He was wrong in a factual sense.

The women on that team are not nappy-headed ho’s, from what I can tell. I saw parts of their press conference in reaction to the Imus comment. I didn’t see any nappy heads (clue me in on this, are we not supposed to have nappy heads, is that a bad thing? What’s the rule on that?), and they don’t seem like any of the ho’s I know. (Before I make this next comment, I must disclaim that it is only based on the ho’s I know and is not meant to be a generalization of all ho’s.) The ho’s I know are usually self-centered, close-minded and boorish. And, their brains don’t work so good. And, they smell weird. And, they steal my drugs. Based on their behavior at the press conference, the Rutgers players seemed like fine young women, with clear thoughts and a good perspective on the issue they were slathered with. Even though my television is not equipped with smellovision, none of these women looked like they smelled weird. And, I’ve never known any of them to steal my drugs. The only conclusion I can reach is that they are, indeed, not ho’s. Imus is wrong. Let me be the first to declare it!

Since Imus is wrong with his assessment of the character of the Rutgers’ women’s basketball team, how do we know he isn’t wrong with the rest of the swill he has been squirting through our radios and television sets? We don’t know, so all we can do is assume that he is wrong with at least 39% of his assertions (no need to do the math, I have a solar powered abacus). By my calculations, this gives him a 61% average which is either a D or an F, depending upon which grading scale you prefer. So why do so many people listen to him on the radio? And why, for the love of one life to live, would anybody watch him on television? And why does he wear that ghoul mask, and why does he need sycophants surrounding him licking all of his thoughts’ asses? These aren’t rhetorical questions. I would appreciate it if somebody could give me the answers. Until then, I can only assume that those listeners and viewers are dumb asses.

Speaking of dumb asses, I did a little research (on my own, see above) into the etymology of the name Imus. As it turns out, “imus” is a little known type of word called a “depound word”. A depound word is the opposite of a compound word. For you loyal Imus listeners, a compound word is a larger word formed by two smaller words joined together, such as “theme” (the + me) (or something like that, it’s been a while since I had second grade). A depound word is made up of at least two larger words that are destructed to form a smaller, more user friendly word. “Imus” is the depound word for “I am a dumb ass”. (This whole ordeal is making much more sense now, isn’t it?). Do not confuse a depound word with an acronym. An acronym is composed of the first initial of each root word. These are very popular with the text messaging community. That is, until they learn about depounds. As you will see in a mere moment, depounds are much more fun. Depounds are formed from various parts of the root words, not necessarily limited to the first initial of each. For example, shelouposhole is the depound for “Shut the hell up you piece of shit asshole”. And, an old favorite, masanakysul is the depound for “May satan take your soul.” And who could forget autmissiorest for “Automatic Submission of Requests”. Feel free to make up your own and invent your very own secret decoder rings to help you communicate with each other at parties.

Don I Am A Dumb Ass has begun to reap his rewards for his blatant moronic comment. Not only did his radio station suspend him for two weeks, his television show on MSNBC, The Planet of the Ropers, has been canceled. He will continue to suffer more as the world, enlightened by the exposure of this event, learns what he truly is – an old, bitter man who time has swept to the curb because he has let himself be swept aside by not understanding the doctrine of cool. Eventually, we will all ask ourselves “Who gives a shit about what this Imus has to say” or depoundly, Whishouthimuhoay?

31 comments:

leplov said...

Whishouthimuhoay!

How about whishouthLIMBhoay? (that would be replacing Imus with Limbau).

I "less than 3" the depounds!!

lim said...

If there is anyone who shouldn't make fun of somebody's hair it's Don I Am A Dumb Ass.

As far as why he wears the ghoul mask, well I haven't stopped laughing my ass off yet....thank God it's not real.

TML said...

Fudomus - start printing the t-shirts ! It won’t be long before Shelouposhole is sweeping the nation !!! What better way to disguise a passive insult than with a depound word that sounds like a summer music festival? Genius…

While you’re at it, you might as well get to work on the summer music festival.

Shelouposhole 2008, anyone?

del said...

I, for one, am greatful to Don Imus because without him, I might not have learned about depound words!

Regarding the ghoul mask... well, we now know why he was on radio and not tv.

And I thought only babies with incompenent diaper changers had nappy heads?

HR said...

Morbicksas! (Moist Rub kicks ass)(I think this is also the spell Hermione Granger uses to subdue that thing that attacks her in the bathroom stall.) Everyone's been raving about Gwen Ifill's op-ed on the subject but you pretty much knocked that one out of the park. Like the Rude Pundit without all the sodomy shit.

Anonymous said...

Great commentary....I really didn't know who Imus was.....but I'm betting he doesn't have a dick.

leper hopeful said...

Four out of five solar powered abacuses. Abaci?

Anonymous said...

Will you marry me?

Moist Rub said...

Are you rich and have low expectations?

keysunset said...

That blog was so delightful, Willy Wonka will be asking you for the recipe!

Lepoprocansoaru!

(Leper Pop Rocks! And So Are You!)

tml said...

Morbicksas!

HR, I think like this one as much as Shelouposhole!

I’ve been going from room to room and waving my arms as I say it, hoping to rid my house of clutter. Do you and Hermione know something I don’t, or is the spell of Moist Rub all that comes with it ? If I say it enough, do you think he’d clean my house?

Morbicksas! Morbicksas! Morbicksas!

Anonymous said...

and why does he need sycophants surrounding him licking all of his thoughts’ asses?

everyone needs their sycophants don't we? btw don imus does have 3 testicles if you are wondering about his genitals

Technogeekboy said...

What was the team slathered with exactly and is video of the slathering available on YouTube? Also please share your feelings on Howard Stern, because other than being a fifth of Don Imus's age, I'm not if there's much difference between them.

Anonymous said...

Yes and yes. So is that a yes?

Will Suck for Bling said...

Thanks for clarifying what Don "Imustbeablitheringoldfool" had to say about your pubic hair.

It is nappy, and yous a ho fo sure.

Don Imustbelateformylabotomy and I aren't really that different, totally uncool and tards.

Anonymous said...

The comment that compares Imus with Limbaugh doesn't make sense. Imus is a liberal.

LepLov said...

But they are both assholes and

"Who gives a shit about what this (insert asshole name here) has to say"

seems non-partisan to me.

Brooklyn Girl said...

Imus is NOT a liberal.

Anonymous said...

Imus is against the war and supported John Kerry in the last presidential election. He's for abortion. His wife has a book out about cleaning environmentally. People like Frank Rich, Tim Russert, James Carville, Paul Begala, and Chris Matthews wouldn't go on his show if he were a conservative.

In light of the murderous rampage that happened on a Virginia campus, the humongous uproar over a college basketball team being called a name seems rather trivial in comparison.

Anonymous said...

Yes of course, trivial in comparison. This blog was written well before the Virginia Tech tragic massacre, when the the media "rampage" made it NOT so trivial. Fuck media.

leplov said...

I find that people who hide behind "anonymous" are usually fucksticks.

But kudos for trying to convert a funny blog into your personal crusade against liberals.

And, god forbid, anyone (especially the media) talk about trivial matters...

leplov said...

I find that some (not all) people who hide behind "anonymous" are usually fucksticks.

But kudos for trying to convert a funny blog into your personal crusade against liberals.

And, god forbid, anyone (especially the media) talk about trivial matters...

leplov said...

Sorry for the double post.

That kinda makes me a fuckstick to methinks.

Skippy said...

I find that all (all) people who reveal their preconceived inferences of others’ intentions to be insecure bastard-jags.

Anonymous said...

Where did I say being a liberal was good or bad? Where? I responded to a comment saying that Imus isn't a liberal by "brooklyn girl" or as I like to think of her, "someone with a made up name who may as well be going under anonymous because out of the billions of people in the world, I still have no idea who she is."

And if there's a written rule that the only comments allowed must "lick the thoughts' asses" of the blogger, I didn't see it. Pardon me for interrupting with an actual fact, "leplov." Go ahead. Resume licking.

leplov said...

If everybody agreed with (or licks) everybody else it wouldn't be very interesting now would it.

The world needs fucksticks too.

I'm all for disagreements.

Carry on...

Anonymous said...

leplov said...

The world needs fucksticks too.



It's a good thing the world has you then "leplov."

lim said...

Yes, it is a good thing the world has leplov. I couldn't agree more.

Now chill the fuckstick out.

Smiles everyone Smiles!

"leplov" said...

You got me "anonymous". I may just have to shrivel up in my corner and cry now.

You see, the people I care about on this board know who I am so I am not "anonymous" as you like to imply by your "quote marks". And neither is "brooklyn girl".

And the world is damn lucky they have people who cares about it as much as we liberal ass-lickers do. And if that makes ME a fuckstick then fine with me.

Anonymous said...

Again, I ask, WHEN DID I SAY IT WAS GOOD OR BAD TO BE A LIBERAL??? The correct answer is I didn't. Look back, you'll see.

You were wrong for falsely accusing me of saying something I never said as you are wrong in that my quote marks never meant that you were anonymous to the people who know you. It meant that anyone else who happens upon this blog has no idea who you blog sycophants are.

Kudos to you for mustering up the maturity of a twelve year old and calling me a name for the grievous crime of not coming up with an ingenious fake name such as leplov. What was this particular blog about? Wasn't it the criticism of an adult being so immature and stupid as to call someone else a name? Yet that's what you've done to me. Oh, the irony and hypocrisy.

If calling people fucksticks gives you some delusional sense of power, how pathetic. If you actually take the time to read what I wrote earlier, you'll find I didn't say anything against liberals. I merely stated that Imus is a liberal without attributing any kind of judgement to it. You misunderstood me and went after me for no reason. You are the one who looks foolish for being completely wrong. I don't want for you to cry. I do wish that you'd realize that you went after me for something I never said. And if you're mature enough, you may actually admit it.

HR said...

Wow! 30 comments! Moist'll be so proud! Thanks guys for making that happen. Who says you can't find fun that's not pornographic on the web anymore?

Can we talk about that Supreme Court decision next?