Thursday, May 31, 2007

I Am Dead

I am dead. I died. Who knew it would happen this early? There was a report on the news recently about the West Nile Virus. Last year in the Chicago Metropolitan Area there were one hundred and fifty cases of West Nile Virus reported, of which only ten people died. I thought my chances of not being killed by it were pretty good. I went to bed feeling safe. The next day, I was trampled to death by an ostrich who was delivering day old newspapers.

So, I am writing to you from the afterlife, which is a misnomer. It is not really an afterlife. It is more of a continued existence, as if I had gone somewhere on a bus, never came back and never bothered to write. Except, that I am writing. I’m not sure how I have the ability to do this, but I do. I’m new here, so I’m not sure what is going on, yet. “Here” is another misnomer. Words like “here, there, that, vicinity, parallax, ramrod, etc.” don’t have any meaning here (for lack of a better word – remember, I’m new).

I would like to tell you everything about this “place”, but I don’t want to ruin it for you. It’s better that you don’t know. Trust me. But, I will tell you this – the longer you wait to get here, the better. I kind of screwed myself for letting that ostrich get the better of me. I’ll be alright – I have some catching up to do. That’s all I can say about that, Forrest Gump.

Nobody has told me the meaning of life or anything like that, but I do have a better perspective of life on Earth. Things that happen there make sense. A lot of those things suck, like war and disasters and boy band music, but they fit the vibe of planetary life. So do the good things. Planetary life. It seems like such an odd concept now. I don’t know how you people do it. I wouldn’t want to do it again, but I’m glad I went through it (not that I had a choice) – kind of like owning a pig and then selling it after a year to get new brakes for the truck. It is true that things do happen for a reason on Earth (and on other planets), and it’s all for the same reason, which has nothing to do with any of our lives. So quit thinking you are so gosh durned important.

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to write a sermon. Speaking of which, none of the religions or philosophies or speculators or comet suiciders have it correct. Sure, being good to each other is a nice idea and will make your lives better if everybody did it, but it’s not necessary. As for worshiping, your time would be better spent licking paint to make it wet and then watching it dry. In fact, beings here watch worshipers as they would watch sit-coms on Earth. They are actually quite farcical.

Science hasn’t figured it out, yet, either. They (the smart people) may be able to figure it out once they start moving around the Universe. Listen to me, Mr. High and Mighty, like I know what the hell I’m talking about. I don’t, really. Remember, I’m new here. And, I get the feeling nobody likes me. It’s so hard to make friends when I don’t know how to communicate or move or eat or sleep or if I’m even supposed to be able to do any of those things. I’m not sure how sleeping or eating would help me make friends. They didn’t give me a manual when I emerged – not that I would read it, or whatever you would do to it to internalize its information. I hope they have bars here.

They’re telling me it’s time for srkimarl fosz cobobobunmnus cobobus il, so I gotta go. I don’t even know who “they” are or even how I know they are telling me this. It’s very confusing here, yet soothing. I don’t see any ostriches so I feel safe.


del said...

Wow, I didn't realize they had Internet up there... or down there or whereever. Glad to here there are no ostriches, though.

del said...

...and, you know, there is a plus side to this. "Moist Got Run Over By An Ostrich" could be Leprosy's new hit song, replacing Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer as a non-denominational favourite.

lim said...

I feel like a kid in a candy great blog after another!

Do they have candy there MR?

Rest In Peace dear Moist, thank goodness you can still blog when you're dead. Whew.

keysunset said...

I hope they have bars here.

Well, at least some things are constant.

LL said...

Dude, are you high?

EAM said...

your time would be better spent licking paint to make it wet and then watching it dry

I don't really know what it is, but there's just something about that line.
I'm going to go with a strange comfort of the beauty in futility.

frewbud said...

I wish you really were dead.

Anonymous said...

There was a manual in Beetlejuice. Ask the smoking lady at the desk about it.

Anonymous said...

boner lips
bouner lips(Canadian)

nearly alive said...

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to write a sermon.

Yes you did. You irreligious preacher you.

L A Ray said...

I believe you may be stuck in Purgatory, at least for now, my good man.

Anonymous said...

That was no ostrich. It sounds more like you were abducted by aliens. Guard your anus from the probes, boy.

HR said...

Kind of like owning a pig and then selling it after a year to get new brakes for the truck.

As salient as that may be, you're a real ass stealing your kid's shrooms.