Monday, June 04, 2007

Unable To Fulfill My Duties

Don’t know if you saw it (actually, can’t believe if you didn’t see it), but Miss USA fell on her ass in the Miss Universe competition last week, where the only thing she really had to do was to try to look pretty and not fall on her ass. I can only imagine the chaos if they made contestants chew gum at the same time.

At this point, I’d like to clear up the confusion that often exists between Miss USA and Miss America. Consider me your foremost authority on both pageantry and pork rinds.

Miss USA is essentially based on hotness. There is no talent competition and you don’t even have to prove you can speak a coherent sentence unless you make it into the Top Five. Then you only have to be as coherent as the other four finalists. Which is a lot like being as in shape as the other guys in your bowling league. If you win Miss USA, the prize package includes a $200k crown and a $17k tiara, a $30k watch, a crystal trophy, a crapload of wardrobes, a swimsuit wardrobe, a shoe wardrobe, salon services, fitness membership, dermatology services, hair care products, PR training and representation, modeling portfolio and contract, an American Airlines vacation, a NYC apartment for a year with living expenses, access to all hip NYC events, and a salary just for being hot. You also get to represent the good ol’ USA in the Miss Universe pageant. [They can call it Miss Universe because if there is life outside of our own solar system it probably consists of those ugly-ass alien life forms you see on the Sci-Fi Channel which are no competition for our Earthly beauties.]

Even though this year’s Miss USA fell on her ass, she seems to be doing much better than Miss USA 2006 – Tara Conner. After winning, Miss Conner dropped out of community college, moved from her small town in Kentucky to her NYC apartment and got right started on the big city moonshine, making out with other hot chicks, adding some Bolivian marching powder to her diet, and allegedly adding more than a few notches to her new designer lipstick case. She was allowed to keep her badass crown as long as she promised to do the rehab thing and not shave her head or beat up any SUV’s.

There is no scholarship money in Miss USA to help with an education to fall back on after the hotness fades away, so Miss USA is encouraged to hook up with a top tier professional athlete to support her unless she plans on hawking that crown on eBay for pennies on the dollar.

So that’s Miss USA for you. I’m sure Mr. Trump will correct me if I got any of it wrong. The Trumpster owns the thing in partnership with NBC.

Miss America, on the other hand, makes you prove you have some talent beyond strutting and places a little more emphasis on not only stringing together a coherent sentence, but seeing that it makes sense. If you can do that while keeping the swimsuit from riding up your asscrack, then they'll throw some cash your way for school. They still do the swimsuit and evening gown thing, but it’s only about one-third of the competition. The rest is based on the talent and personal interview. The actual percentages are a little unclear, since they’ve been adjusted slightly over the last few years as the organization struggles to find a network that will broadcast their exciting scholarship competition. ABC dropped them, and now CMT (yes, Country Music Television) has dropped them. That places Miss America just a step below NHL hockey on the American public’s “who gives a crap” scale of interest. How can you expect to hold a viewer’s attention with some baton twirling or tap dancing when a simple Google search will yield seemingly unlimited links to women who possess exponentially more captivating talents depending on your own particular turn-ons (or perversions). But I digress (no wonder it takes me so long to research and write these posts). It may seem like I’m ripping the organization but they do end up giving out something like $50 million a year in scholarship money instead of designer shoes and a key to hedonism. In return, the contestants agree to spend the dough on their education, usually to pursue their dream of becoming a special ed teacher or a veterinarian. Miss America also has to show support for a platform and promise to spend a year telling people around the world that stuff like AIDS, domestic abuse or homelessness is bad, so don’t do that stuff. I know that sounds cynical, but again, it beats doing blow off of Lady Liberty’s ass as Miss USA.

So how did I get so informed about the ways of pageantry? I used to be a woman. Not really… that’s still just a dream. Years ago, I dated a girl that did the pageant thing and claimed to be a something runner up in the Miss Florida competition. I’m not sure what place she got because I wasn’t really listening but instead just staring at her breasts. I’m kidding. In retrospect I realize that I wasn’t really listening because if you’re not first, you’re last. If she had won, then I could tell people I had dated Miss Florida and that might garner a little street cred. But a runner-up? That’s like dating the bass player in a band. (Unless it’s The Police or The Beatles.)

So anyway, while we were dating she got back involved with Miss America and was helping organize a local competition that would qualify contestants for the state-wide smile-off. Being such a high-profile local celebrity, I was asked if I would be a judge for the Miss Teen Farmers Branch contest. This was way too good to pass up. I’m sure you’re picturing me in the front row of a large auditorium, wearing a tux with perfectly coiffed hair and deliberately working an electronic scoring tablet. Not quite. I did, in fact, wear a suit, but I was sitting in a metal folding chair behind a folding table in the local community rec center, sniffing the fresh purple ink from scorecards that were just pulled off the ditto machine. I think there were six contestants that Saturday afternoon and a handful of family members in the crowd to cheer them on. We had to be done by 5 p.m. so that they could set up for the weekly senior citizen Bunco tournament that evening. Honestly, it was less than memorable. A couple of contestants were embarrassingly unprepared. Like a George W. Bush presidency. A few others were what one might expect from a Miss Teen Farmers Branch competition. I seem to recall the obligatory baton twirler (non-flaming, rec center rules), some singing and some dancing. There was an obvious winner, so I didn’t feel any pressure from potentially messing up the voting and pissing off my fellow two judges who had significantly more qualifications on their CV’s. No need to identify any misplayed hemidemisemiquavers in a classical piano piece. Our winner did some modern dance thing that looked pretty good to my untrained eye, and was much further removed from the awkward teen phase that plagued the other contestants. I only wish I could remember the lame questions I threw down for the personal interview portion.

I know it did inspire me to take pageant questions back to work to ask of potential job applicants. Great fun to ask an interviewee for a customer service position what they would hope to accomplish as Miss America. I highly suggest trying it some time.


del said...

I've never understood the 2 titles before... thx. for the clarification. But that got me thinking..... Do you suppose if America and Miss USA ran into each other they'd have some kind of a smack down for American pagent supremacy? Would that get better ratings than the pagents, especially if it was produced by the WWE?

Jennifer said...

Del - I think if we could arrange it to be in mud and on Pay Per View we could make some serious $$$

I just watched a movie about pageants early this AM whilst dealing with a bit of insomnia. Comcast Cable's On Demand has Crowned and Dangerous among their free movies right now and I had never seen it. It was pretty bad, but had some laughs and was worth watching just to see Nick from CSI playing someone besides a totally sexless geek.

So yeah, I go for months on end with nothing to contribute and when I finally decide that I have something to say...this is it.

keysunset said...

what they would hope to accomplish as Miss America

ha, ha! Just to see their face when you ask the question must be priceless! I can only imagine the answers.

But, then again, sounds like a cool thing to throw into party conversation when things start to slow down.

Thanks for the blog, Sid dear. Good stuff, as usual. :-D

HR said...

Thank god we've still got women in this world who are willing to be shown like dogs.

Do you suppose Ruth Bader Ginsburg secretly watches those pagents?

k said...

"sniffing the fresh purple ink from scorecards that were just pulled off the ditto machine".....

.....ah the smell of childhood.

Moist Rub said...

The Miss America competition should include representatives from countries from both the South and North American continents.

EAM said...

Wow. Great job Sid. Too many hilarious parts to quote.
Were you wearing a tiara as you wrote it? Bikini or one piece?

Anonymous said...

Love your writeup. And while your writeup is cynical, I do see that you too know that these girls are more than the stereotype.

It is great fun to jab at them, but they have the guts to prepare, to get up there and compete and do their best.

Most are incredible students, and most have done more service in their communities in one week than most of us will do in a lifetime.

They can speak better than we do publicly, and they are certainly more fit than any of us readers.

In reality, they are the anti-supermodels; THEY HAVE A BRAIN, A VOICE, and A PURPOSE.

The ultimate irony, is why we have such fun putting them down, and why we lift up the voiceless, purposeless, brainless supermodels who do nothing more than drugs and poses.

We lift up worthless hedonistic athletes and performers, and we tear these women down.

What is wrong with us? Why do we do that??

We are encouraging young girls to be mindless catwalking models, and discouraging them from being admirable role models.

We are pitiable.

frewbud said...

Yeah, Sid, you asshole.

eam said...

Looks like your ex-gf is ticked at your runner-up comment Sid.

Anonymous said...

Pretty insightful comment there, anonymous. I think the post supports your view, too. Part of the motivation was to differentiate the pure beauty pageantry of Miss USA from the Miss America competition. I admit being cynical, but do point out all the positive aspects. I just don't want to watch a bunch of baton twirling pre-vet students on TV anymore than watching brainless twit supermodels or celebutantes.

k said...

Unless they are trying out for the Pussycat Dolls. Then bring it on! : )

Anonymous said...

I don't consider clubbing or modeling a talent, but those Pussycat Dolls can dance, sing and bring the sexy!

HR said...

Aw Jeez. Clarence Thomas? Is that you? It's a freakin' beauty pageant. Both of them are. The women are supposed to be pretty. Ugly women don't get into the competition. They are being judged on their looks. And their boobs that are taped together. And their asses that are taped to their swimsuits. WTF? We shouldn't be astonished when good looking women can speak! Good role models? Good role models?! Pageant contestants are sucky role models. Because they allow themselves to be there in the meat window. And I don't care if they won a prize at the 4H fair for being intelligent, or clean, or obedient. Any woman that stands up in front of an audience and says "Judge me on how I look in a swimsuit" isn't good role model. Oh, but she's doing it for the scholarship money! Crap doodle. Ugly girls need scholarship money too and they somehow manage.

WOman said...

Right on, sister!

Uterus Power!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, and ugly girls graduate with more debt. Like it or not, looks seem to matter in society. If I could tape my boobs together, volunteer at a shelter for abused women and get some scholarship money, I think I would. Aren't you being judged every time you apply to a school or apply for a job or look for a mate?
Oh, by the way, it's not a swimsuit competition in Miss America, it's the fitness portion of the competition.

a man said...

Right on, brother!

Testicle Power!

k said...

Geez, I must be butt-ugly cause I graduated with a shit-load of debt.

Why oh why didn't I just tape my boobs together and my mouth shut ? I wouldn't have anything to whine about now.

Crap doddle lol.

leper pop observer said...

How can women who describe themselves as boobtastic (aka snark girls) to get men's attention condemn women who wear swim suits to get scholarships? Aren't you all using your body parts to get what you want?

Moist Rub said...

If I relied soley on using my body to get what I want, all I would get is gravy and some gristle.

I don't remember any Snark girls condemning anybody on the comments. You must be reading a different blog. As well you should be.

lim said...

With a body like that Moist, you deserve more than gravy and should get the best steak on the menu.

I use my body parts to get what I want. My heart and my brain.

If those don't work I always have my exceptional good looks to rely on. Snark.

ll said...

Speaking from experience (yes, dammit, I was once in a "scholarship" pageant) and having to walk around on stage in a swimsuit, I can say that it is incredibly uncomfortable and degrading.

And many of the girls (all high school age) were quite vapid and vacant. (I was one of the few who didn't list an actress as thier "hero".)

I'm glad I did it for the experience because it was a huge eye opener on the "behind the scenes" stuff of these events. It is all quite creepy. It felt more like an opportunity for old guys to ogle than for the advancement of a young girls scholastic endeavors.

HR said...

Character ass-assignation! I think someone called me a Snark Girl!