Oh, Canada!

July 1st is Canada Day. I didn’t know what it was but figured it was some sort of ripoff of the good ol’ American Fourth of July. It is. Sort of. Because it celebrates the day in 1867 that Canada sort of became a country.

Like every ace history student I get my info from the first link on The Google, which is usually Wikipedia and we all know that the site is maintained by slutty teen girls and Romanian prostitutes. Sorry, wrong browser window. But I’m trying to say that if I don’t get this exactly right it’s not because I don’t care, it’s just that I don’t care enough to use a source other than Wikipedia. It’s not like I’m trying to brew my own biodiesel here. But I digress.

So, as I understand it, on July 1st, 1867 whatever Canada was before it became Canada created a document that effectively told the British that they didn’t want to start any trouble or nothin’ but they’d like to be called Canada. Kind of like when Garth Brooks changed his name to Chris Gaines.

They didn’t even start a war or anything. They just sat around for 115 years until the British got bored with them (“we don’t even like bloody hockey, you wankers!”) and in 1982 told them to have at it with their little Canada experiment.

Even though they accomplished this without any rockets’ red glare or bombs bursting in air, they still feel they have the right to shoot off fireworks every July 1st on what they finally convinced everyone was Canada Day. Not quite as ballsy as a goddam Declaration of Independence or dramatic as a friggin’ Revolutionary War, but I suppose it’s cool in its own little way. Just like the NHL and Molson.

That little background was really just to introduce a Canada Day event that I was just given a heads up on. If you’re in the Toronto area on Canada Day, you are invited to Rock the Park! Downsview Park... which bills itself as “a safe and peaceful place.” Hardly the venue for an event called Rock the Park, in my opinion. But I’m not as much a rebel as the event coordinators for this place. But I digress.

In the afternoon there are several bands playing but I’m neither hip enough nor Canadian enough to know any of them, although I noted that Rallycar employs a bassist named Dino. I can’t be sure, but I don’t think it’s the same one that’s famous for getting his hand chewed off by a rabid dog in an elevator.

After the daytime hullabaloo, the attendees will surely look forward to the “official welcome from Downsview Park dignitaries and politicians” at 5:45. That should definitely get the crowd pumped up for the evening line-up which kicks off with Rock Star Live featuring Suzie McNeil, Dilana, Marty Casey, Ty Taylor, Storm Large, and the Rock Star House Band. Allow me to assess….

I’ve always said I wouldn’t mind seeing Suzie live if it didn’t cost too much. Like more than 20 Canadian dollars. I don’t know exactly what the exchange rate is, but I’m not sure if she accepts US dollars. Who am I kidding, she’d probably accept Canadian Tire money if I knew what that was or if I had any. Regardless, I’d go see her partly because I want to see what retro-mash get-up she wears and partly because she’s got a pretty damn good voice.

Dilana became tiresome as the second season of Rock Star wore on, but I think I could tolerate a short set and maybe even enjoy some of it. As long as she didn’t pull the sympathy card again and come out on crutches or riding one of those mobility scooters that they advertise on late night television. She’d probably do something lame like try to paint flames on the side and think it’s cool.

Who doesn’t like Marty, right?

Ty. I have a feeling that he wasn’t on the bill originally and one of the other performers accidentally mentioned it to him and then kind of had to invite him so that they didn’t feel bad. And instead of realizing what was going on, Ty accepted the invite and started thinking of a new hairstyle since everyone will just think he’s copying off of Sanjaya if he shows up with a mohawk. All while whoever mistakenly mentioned it to Ty is now thinking, “Oh, crap, I hope the others don’t find out that I’m the reason he’s here.”

Storm Large. I’d like to see Storm perform without the network censors, but I’m not sure Downsview Park dignitaries and politicians will give her free reign. After all, they wouldn’t let Marty bring his Swinging Lovehammers or let Storm bring her Balls. I’ll wait to see her in a dark, smoky club that’s packed shoulder to shoulder and about 120 degrees inside. It just seems more right that way. Oh, and that’s ah-boot 50 degrees Celsius for all you Canadians I’ve already offended.

The Rock Star House Band… I’m guessing this is a side project for Hugh Laurie?

I’m just teasing, Canada. You rock, eh. Have a good holiday and don’t get exploded.