Real Men of Genius

Two years ago at work they made me switch from my trusty PC to a brand spankin’ new Mac PowerBook G4. Sure, it would make me look way cooler when I whipped it out at the local coffeehouse (and by “it” I mean the Mac (and by “Mac” I mean the PowerBook)), but I don’t frequent any coffeehouses. Furthermore, I had become technically proficient over the years on a PC and would now have to figure out all the nuances of a Mac. (And by technically proficient I mean I know how to eliminate any traces of porn.) I could also knock out a spreadsheet at work in the blink of an eye, but after switching to the Mac the same spreadsheet seemed to take as long as a game of Monopoly at a narcolepsy convention. I do bill my time directly to clients, so maybe it was just a way for the firm to increase revenues. Eventually, with some help from our friendly, hip, college-aged interns, I figured out how to use all the new cryptic keys on my machine as well as how to add a bitchin’ new template to my myspace page. Interns rock.

Everything seemed to be going pretty well, although the Mac did seem to take a bit of a beating during my frequent travels. Suddenly the bottom third of my display was blacked out. I was able to restore the full screen if I torqued the display just right and this worked for a few months. Then the display needed to be physically held in the torqued position to achieve a full screen view. The interns complained that their little arms would get so tired, but my schedule didn’t allow me to drop it off for the several days required by the repair shops I contacted. After repeated cases of intern carpal tunnel syndrome OSHA shut down my temporary fix, so I applied my next fix and resized all my application windows to fit the remaining two-thirds screen space. Sure, it required some extra scrolling but it was way less physically demanding on the interns.

I eventually took a leave of absence from work and took the bitchin’ two-thirds G4 with me so that I could look up suggested retail prices and cheat while watching The Price is Right. So with all this crap about Bob Barker retiring, I don’t know if they’re replacing him or if the show is being retired with him. I was going to suggest replacing him with Bert Convy, but just found out he died of a brain tumor in 1991. The things you learn while researching for a dumbass blog. Maybe Gary Coleman is available. Why wouldn’t he be? But I digress. (By the way, Gary Coleman availability was in reference to The Price is Right and not torquing my screen. That would just be creepy.)

After I got tired of kicking studio contestant ass on The Price is Right, I found out there was an Apple Store about 15 minutes from my house. I went online and found out I could make an appointment with a Mac Genius to fix my computer, condition my cuticles and make me a refreshing mango iced tea. I showed up at my appointed time and was disappointed that my Mac Genius looked nothing like the chick in the commercials. First of all, she was a he, and he looked bit like Milton from Office Space. I dared not touch his stapler. I told him the issue and he popped open the hood, and then validated my claim that the bottom third of the display was indeed blacked out. I wondered if that made me a Genius, too. However, instead of using his Genius to fix my G4, he informed me that it would need to be sent to the repair center where they apparently stored the more technically proficient Geniuses. I would also pay a fixed price of $323 no matter what it took to fix it, and I would also agree to not cry about getting my ass kicked on The Price is Right for the next 7-10 business days. Work would reimburse me for the money, and it seemed reasonable to drop three bills on an otherwise well-oiled machine instead of ordering a new one for a couple grand. The Mac Genius used his Genius to proficiently fill out all the necessary information on the paperwork with no errors, and I affixed my signature authorizing them to have at it.

Without the laptop to distract me, I was suddenly exponentially more productive. In fact, I was just moments away from a cure for dry, cracked elbows when my phone rang on the fifth business day. My G4 was ready. I had already made plans to fill the void of not having my laptop for seven to ten business days, and I kept my commitment to teach a class on pine cone decorating at the local community rec center and to write a book called Take Your Play To The Next Level: The Physics of Tetherball based on what I learned by almost passing Theoretical and Applied Mechanics my sophomore year in college. Actually, I just didn’t feel like going to the mall on the weekend to pick it up. I don’t really feel like going to the mall anytime if you want to know the truth. And why would I lie about something like that? Malls have sucked ever since Tiffany and Debbie Gibson stopped performing there. But I digress.

I eventually made my way back to the Apple Store and got a non-Mac Genius to get my G4 from the back room and take it to a licensed Mac Genius to explain what they did. This Mac Genius was also not a chick, but he at least his youth and soul patch exuded more Mac hipness than Milton had in the previous week. He looked like the type that might be dating the chick Mac Genius in the commercial. Mac Genius #2 then told me I got a new display screen, they replaced some defective RAM memory, installed a screensaver of some really cute kittens and I got a new battery since the other has a tendency to explode and rip off your balls but even that wasn’t enough for me to follow the recall procedures. So in my case, I think I got my money’s worth. However, I might have been pissed if all they had to do was tighten the Archimedean screw and send it back.

But to make a long post just end already, the laptop is running like new and I’m back to kicking ass on The Price is Right. Come on down!