My son's friend's sister is thirteen years old, and apparently, she "fell in love" with some guy she "met" in a chat room. He lives out of state. Her parents were unaware of this “relationship” until recently, when this dude showed up at their house. He is twenty years old, and he claims that he is in love with the thirteen year old girl. He also threatened suicide if the family wouldn't allow them to pursue their relationship. Sounds like she picked a winner.
My kids don’t do much chatting online. They limit their online communication to email and MySpace messaging. But, you never know when they’ll submerge themselves into the world of Lamarckian Skank Talk. That’s what I call it, anyway. Why? Well, “Lamarckian” because, as far as I can tell, all that people do in those chat rooms is pass their adaptive characteristics back and forth to each other. I threw in “Skank” because I like that word and it has a cantankerous feel about it. Probably because of the two k’s, just like Krispy Kreme. There is nothing worse than cantankerous doughnuts. They taste like a fuzzy sound, never fit neatly in a box and I don’t even want to get into their effects on my digestive system, other than stating that feces should not bubble. The last thing I need is my daughter coming home with a box of cantankerous doughnuts and asking me to mix her up a batch of my famous vulcanized tuber coffee. You know what? I’m not gonna do it. In an attempt to employ some preventive maintenance, I had a little family meeting with the kids to discuss chat room love and other perils.
Below are the minutes from that meeting (as documented by our dogs – note: “I” refers to me. I have trained my dogs to write in the first person, where the first person is always me. It’s good to be a primate.):
1. It is physically impossible to fall in love until you are at least thirty years old because the emotional part of the brain, the amoritorium, does not mature until then. I showed them my Psychology diploma from college which proves I know about that kind of stuff, and whatever I say is true.
2. It is impossible to fall in love with somebody who you have only interacted with in a chat room. You cannot “know” somebody by merely talking to xe on a computer. You must interact with xe on other levels and share actual experiences with xe in order to get to know xe enough to even think about falling in love, which you can’t do until you’re thirty, anyway, so you might as well just play video games until then. Also, you can’t go bowling together online, and if you can’t go do that, you can’t fall in love. Any attraction or feelings you sense in chat room relationships is just your brain filling in the spaces, i.e. the unknown details about the other person with an ideal concept of who you want that person to be (just like after you put a door in you have to caulk the spaces between the door frame and the wall, and you use the best caulk, not the crappy cheap stuff, because that will crack before summer comes), and the yearning you feel is just your hormones telling your body to procreate, but your hormones don't care about your psychological, financial or not-being-a-whore well being. Their job is to promote the sustenance and continuation of life, regardless of the long term emotional, psychological and financial impact their actions may have on the host, or the host’s father (primarily in regards to the financial impact). The government should regulate hormones like it does booze, cigarettes and guns. The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms should add Hormones to their repertoire – the ATFH. Action Item: Write letter to congressperson.
3. Twenty year old people who pursue thirteen year old people are losers, otherwise they would be pursuing people their own age. There are just as many losers at your age as there are at any other age. This is due to the principle of physics known as the conservation of losers, which states within some population domain (e.g. age group), the amount of losers remains constant; losers are neither created nor destroyed, but only changed through the action of social forces as described by Newton's law of losers. Twenty year old people only seem like non-losers to thirteen year old people because of the eternal law of adolescent ignorancy, which states that if any twenty year old person hits on a thirteen year old person, xe is a loser and the thirteen year old person is too ignorant to know any better, but the thirteen year old person's parents do know better and should be heeded. It is for this very reason that I always turn down advances from hot chicks in their twenties (you gotta lead by example, ya know. It’s quite a sacrifice, but my kids are worth it). Action Item: For demonstration purposes, find a hot twenty-two year old chick to come over to the house and hit on me and then send her away in a firm, yet polite manner (but find out where she’ll be later).
4. Threats of suicide are not measures of ultimate devotion. They are symptoms of psychological imbalance and should not be reinforced with promises of love. Or blow jobs. And definitely no anal.
5. Don't do drugs until college. Action Item: Go back in time and do more drugs in college.
6. Always wear a rubber.
7. Somebody take out the garbage. Action Item: Somebody take out the garbage.
8. I’ll be home after last call. Action Item: Borrow twenty bucks from the son.