With Mouth Wide Open

“Eating blueberries and drinking coffee.”

That’s what the Mrs. told me she was doing after her last cleaning at the dentist. Everyone at work is convinced that she writes my material for me. I’m surprised all of you haven’t figured that out yet.

Unfortunately it was my turn to go to the dentist on Monday for my six-month checkup and cleaning. I say “unfortunately” because as a child I had a dentist that I’m sure was trained as an auto mechanic, but took some whiteout and changed his diploma from ASE to DDS in an effort to make more money. I’m also pretty sure he made the change without investing in any new tools and completed most of his work with monkey wrenches and a Sears Craftsman socket set.

He was pretty old back then and by now I’m hoping he has suffered a slow, painful death, and I’ve since found a new dentist. My new dentist, due to the work that needed to be done as part of my cancer treatments, is number four on our household expense list, right behind rent, food, and hookers. I have a pretty good benefits package at work, but they still won’t pay for the hookers or dentists. So I guess I’ll keep stealing supplies even though I’m running out room to stash the copiers in our house. It’s starting to look like a damn Kinko’s in there. But I digress.

Despite the personal trauma and expense these visits cause me, it is slightly lessened because he’s a really nice guy and he employs UCDA (uber-cute dental assistant). Normally when I just go for a cleaning, I just see the hygienist and get a quick visit from the dentist to confirm all my teeth are still there. But this time, he personally did my cleaning and checkup. I’m not sure if it was just a slow day or if he’s figured out that I’m going to write about my visit and he likes the publicity, but I didn’t mind the personal attention. Although he did have UCDA note the slight recession around tooth #25 (I’ll be sending out an economic stimulus payment to the tooth later this week), he did tell me there was very little plaque and complimented me on my oral hygiene program. I bet that impressed her. Then, after he was done, he left us alone so that she could finish up with a thorough flossing and polishing.

It was the best Oral-B sex I’ve ever had.