Not For Microwave Use Only

I was very excited. I bought myself a brand new microwave oven. It has buttons and a door and a clock, and when you press the buttons other numbers take over the space where the clock is, and when you are done pressing the numbers and hit the button called Stop/Clear, the clock comes back, which doesn’t make much sense since “Clear” would seem to indicate that the screen would be clear and not have clock numbers in it. Maybe that button should be called Stop/Bring The Clock Back. I think I will write a letter to the manufacturer concerning their button naming conventions. I went to a button naming convention once. My team came up with a button named Belly.

As I was examining my new spaced-aged cooking machine, I discovered that it had a glass turntable inside. The glass was mystically frosted and had a bumpy texture to ensure food safety. There is nothing worse than a pile of pudding sliding out of the microwave oven while you are trying to cook it. I also noticed some lettering formed into the glass turntable. It read, “Not for microwave use.” WHAT THE!? Not for microwave use! Where the heck else was I going to use it, in the toaster? What kind of shenanigans were they trying to pull with this “Not for microwave use” glass turntable in the very microwave it was placed? I decided to write a letter to the manufacturer.

I’m putting you on. The glass turntable didn’t really say “Not for microwave use”. That would be crazy. But, just imagine if it did for real. What the!? What a ruse that would be! I would definitely write a letter in that case.

Dear Microwave Oven Manufacturer,

I bought one of your fine microwave ovens, and the glass turntable said it was “Not for microwave use.” WHAT THE!?

Sincerely,

Moist Rub

Then I would spend a few weeks waiting for their reply, burning my delicate microwavables all along because I had no microwavable glass turntable to help cook them evenly, and trying to fit the glass turntable into the toaster. But the day would come when I would receive their response.

Dear Moist Rub,

We do not manufacture microwave ovens. We manufacture phase shifters, switches and drivers. How did you get our address? WHAT THE?!

Sincerely,

Microwave Applications Group

Sometimes I have to slather the mundane with whimsy just to make it through the day.