We Suck, Therefore We Resolve

As we all know, most people suck. This is why so many of us make resolutions each year, in the hopes of not sucking the following year. But, we always do. We may not suck the same way we did last year, but we suck all the same, yet differently. If people stopped sucking, they would stop making resolutions. Like you, I'm tired of sucking the same way I've sucked for the year that was 2008. The following resolutions are how I would like to modify my suckitude for 2009. Feel free to copy off me, if you would like. We could be suck buddies.

I resolve to chew thoroughly every bit of corn I consume so as not to see them again at a later time.

I resolve to ignore.

I resolve to field a team instead of constantly teeming a field.

I resolve to sit patiently while the doctor reapplies the cement.

I resolve to ask questions while shooting, instead of just shooting first.

I resolve to take three hundred and fifty-third in the Lottery.

I resolve to be more attentive to my self-preservation needs (which is not a euphemism for masturbation, although I'm sure that will play a role).

I resolve to put the stink back into elegance.

I resolve to live life as if there were no tomorrow, nor yesterday, nor even today.