Grinderman

Dateline: Vancouver. Grouse Mountain and the infamous Grouse Grind. Wrecked me? It damn near killed me a couple years ago. But turns out that I’m going to get a second chance to make that mountain my bitch.

I previously blogged about my last climb up the Grouse Grind, which is a trail in North Vancouver that goes up the side of Grouse Mountain. According to the Internets, it gains 1,100 metres over a distance of approximately 2.9 kilometres. Hmm. Metric system. I’d say that’s about 17,000 feet and 5.8 miles, or to put it another way it’s like putting a really tall ladder about halfway up Mt. Everest. That doesn’t sound right. Let me set aside my cocktail and do a few calculations on the back of this napkin…

Okay, turns out it’s only 2,799 feet over 2.0 miles. They say the average hiker completes it in 90 minutes if they don’t die. Last time I did it in 80 minutes and nearly died.

So here’s the deal. I’ll be in Vancouver this spring for a week mostly on business, but plan on taking some additional time to do some exploring.

Now, I can struggle with motivation in my everyday life. Getting out of bed usually isn’t a problem since I usually get a paycheck and I’ve become quite accustomed to the food and shelter it provides. Beyond that, my natural state is on the couch with a bottle of Hershey’s syrup and my pan flute.

For example, I don’t know how to cook. But as long as that Chef Boyardee keeps making that delicious ravioli, where is the motivation?

So if I want to exercise, work out and stay in shape, I need a goal. When I was younger, trying to get laid sufficed. Now that I’m married, my wife tends to discourage me from using that as a goal. I lost about 30 pounds four years ago on a very effective chemo-radiation diet, but I’ve gained at least 20 of those pounds back. Although people tell me that the emaciated rock star look wasn’t working for me, I’d rather not go straight to the Chris Farley look. And that’s where Grouse Mountain comes in.

I am hereby announcing my intent to complete the Grouse Grind this spring in 60 minutes. Now if I fail to reach that goal I will have publicly humiliated my family and myself and in accordance with Japanese tradition must commit hara-kiri.

The only roadblock could be the weather. The trail closes in winter and re-opens late spring. I just checked the mountain report and it appears there is currently 377 cm of snow. I think that's like eight inches, so I don't foresee any problems. I mean, they didn't even have snow for the Olympics, so I don't expect any issues for my little hike.

From you, dear readers, I merely need you to hold me to my goal. And if anyone cares to witness this and meet me on the top of Grouse Mountain with a tanto sword, let me know.

Sayonara, bitches.