Saturday, December 10, 2005

Crystal Bernard - Coming Home

Regular readers might have noticed the recurring references to Crystal Bernard. Most likely, they might wonder why. Or even who she is... so let me tell you.

Crystal Bernard was born on September 30, 1964 in Garland, Texas. Like our hero Marty Casey, I love an older woman -- and Crystal is exactly 193 days older than I am. That's less than a year. So we have a lot in common, I'm sure, and we can spend countless hours walking at dusk and talking about the time we joined the KISS Army and where we were when people like Reagan, the Pope and John Lennon got shot. Good times. Maybe listen to some Foreigner albums and make out on a bean bag chair or something.

I also reside in the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex, only about 20 miles from her Garland birthplace. Of course, Crystal has since purchased a home in Beverly Hills, but admits she bought it "as an investment." I'm sure she has frequent yearnings to visit her roots, and I bet she flies into DFW Airport when she does. With my current work schedule, I’m at DFW several times a month. It suddenly becomes clear how fate will somehow bring us together. I ran into Pauly Shore there once, so anything is possible.

Sure Crystal was a cutie as Richie's cousin K.C. Cunningham on the last season of Happy Days, and we loved her as Amy on It's a Living, but it was on Wings where she captured my heart....

I asked her about her character Helen on Wings...
"Maybe I think more of Helen than I should, but I think Helen's done better than I would have done if I would have lost as much as she has. I think Helen has done pretty good with failure. That's one of the things you respect about her."

OK, so I didn't really ask her directly. I kind of stole that quote from a profile in the Dallas Morning News by Joyce Saenz Harris that I cut out seven and half years ago. But it is such a prolific quote. Consider this... I got kicked out of school because I forgot to study for a few classes. One could consider that a failure... kind of like Helen. But here I am today, writing for Leper Pop. One, such as Crystal, could say that I've done pretty good with failure. Even respect that about me....

Cheers has always been one of my favorite shows, so I asked her if I had a choice between watching a Wings rerun or a Cheers rerun which one should that I choose.
"Any comparison to Cheers is a compliment," she said. "Cheers was about losers who sit around a bar drinking all day. On Wings, the airline isn't making any money, and I'm a concert cellist who can't get arrested and is slapping burgers. So what do you think?"

All right, I really didn't ask her that. That quote was kind of borrowed from a profile done by James Brady -- that creepy looking guy at the back of Parade magazine in the Sunday paper. I don't know if he still does the profiles since the article I cut out is about 6 years old.

Did you know that Crystal has cut several albums since leaving Wings? I haven't heard them, but I think Peter Cetera was somehow involved in one or both or something. Yep, Peter Cetera formerly of the band Chicago. I was born in Chicago, if you remember, only 193 days after Crystal was born in Garland, only about 20 miles from where I now reside. Getting kind of freaky, isn't it?

Anyway, Crystal resurfaced as spokeswoman for Q Sports Clubs several years ago. The Q had 18 locations, primarily in the South, 12 being in Texas, 1 being in Plano, Texas. And guess who was gainfully employed in Plano at the time??? Yours truly. Crystal had both written, produced, and performed the songs which were used in the Q's heavy media campaign, and I recently asked Q founder and president Frank Leonesio about those spots...
"We've had a super time putting together these spots," says Leonesio. "Crystal is a lot of fun to work with and her music really catches the Q spirit."

Does it really matter that I really didn't ask Leonesio about Crystal? OK, I lifted this quote from www.qclubs.com, the former website of the Q. That shouldn’t be a problem as they’ve since gone out of business. More likely, the soaring membership revenue resulting from her campaign probably made them an attractive buyout target. But that's not important right now.

If she ever makes it back to Texas to promote a Lifetime movie or something, I have a standing offer to pick her up at the airport. I’ll even make one of those little cardboard signs with her name on it. Aw, who am I kidding… it’s already been made.

23 comments:

L A Ray said...

now i'm worried about you. that Mach 6.2 must have done it

Jules said...

Aw, LA Ray, you gotta have a dweam. 'Cause if you don't have a dweam, how you gonna have a dweam come twue?

(Sorry. Too much sugar makes Jules a silly girl.)

bibi said...

Loving from afar can be so satisfying, don't you think? Daydreaming about being stuck in elevators together with convenient picnic baskets and blankets ... Or just being stuck together long enough to really really, you know, like, relate ... Ahhh ... I'm not worried about you ... Not at all ... Jimmy Stewart and Harvey, Mr. Casey and me, You--sweet thing that you are--and Cystal B ... It's all good. For the airport scenario though I would suggest a bigger sign and maybe a studded bullhorn. Come away with me, CB, and we shall all the pleasures prove ...

keysunset said...

To dream the impossible dream. Makes it all worthwhile sometimes. Bibi, you ae right that loving from afar can be so satisfying.

Just like, for example, you, I, and hundreds of other women can all have M. Casey and no one gets hurt. Especially if Jules hands over the chocolate ...

Bibi said...

KeySunset ... Am glad we understand each other. This is the season for sharing, after all.

Mention of Marty (MoM)makes me forget all else ... I meant to say that Wings was a great show. Great cast, great set, great premise. Crystal was hot and funny and she had a alluring husky/twangy voice. She managed to look sexy in the stupid clothes we used to wear in those days. And the Monk guy was on, was he not? And Thomas Hayden Church -- Why oh why does that man not make more, many more, movies?

And, Sid, I can just see you sitting down to count the days between her birthday and yours. You've got it bad, man -- (Why does bad feel so good?)

keysunset said...

hey, hey Sid, I'm older than Crystal ....

Jen said...

Just like, for example, you, I, and hundreds of other women can all have M. Casey and no one gets hurt.

Only hundreds? We should enjoy that while it lasts, cause soon we'll have to share our imaginary TV/Rockstar boyfriend with many, many more.

Oh, and on topic - I loved It's a Living!! or was it Making a Living? Wasn't it both?

Sid F'er said...

that Mach 6.2 must have done it
I think it was the second order that did it...

Jimmy Stewart and Harvey
Let me know if you see Dr. Chumley coming...

She managed to look sexy in the stupid clothes we used to wear in those days.
Stupid? I love the 80's... I wish you women would start wearing them again. Some tight designer jeans, the flourescent sweater, leg warmers, and the all important Princess Reeboks with the velcro.

a bigger sign and maybe a studded bullhorn
Come on, I don't want to scare her off... this is already bordering and weird stalker guy.

hey, hey Sid, I'm older than Crystal ....
I'll keep that in mind if the Mrs. ever leaves me and Crystal is the unrequitive type.

I loved It's a Living!! or was it Making a Living? Wasn't it both?
I was getting ready to correct you, but after a little research on IMDB it turns out you're right about it being both. Well played.

So if Crystal does the ego Google or vanity search on her name, Leper Pop is number one on Google blog search and Ice Rocket. I should at least get an autographed picture or something. "Something" probably being a restraining order...

keysunset said...

Gracious! I didn't mean to imply, I mean I didn't want to suggest, I, I ...

I'm just embarrassed now. Somebody slap me. :-(

Devious D said...

Bibi, can't decide which entertained me more your allusion to Marlowe with "pleasures prove" or the (Freudian?) typo of "Cyst-al" (just the way I like to think of CB).

Sid F'er said...

Obviously a typo, so leave CRYSTAL alone.
How can you not be instantly warmed by her smiling face each time you crack open Leper Pop. I may never post again. Or transition this blog into a Crystal Bernard shrine, with all things Crystal.

I bet you drown kittens in your bathtub.

bibi said...

Alas, devious d, Cystal was indeed an error. Then again, I would never mock another's affections ... Or would I? (Christ, why do I sound like bad Elizabethan--bad!?) Thank you though, devious ... It's nice to be thought amusing.

Sid, I've been trying to figure out YOUR birthday now by doing some of my own counting with Crystal as the starting point. This will, no doubt, lead me straight to your astrological sign and then all shall be made clear. One already knows you are a spring chicken.

I would dare to say that Crystal is or was both sweet and wild but the last time I did something like that it involved Phoebe Cates and those comments came back to haunt me ... Playboy magazine was also brought into it, as I recall, and my feelings are easily bruised.

Captain Break-It disappeared after that blogging imbroglio & I find I miss him ... Alas! Alack -- Poor Break-It -- We hardly knew him ...

Sid F'er said...

In case your abacus is in the shop for repairs, I'll make it easy for you - Aries.

Moist and I were just speaking of the Captain, so don't worry about him. I'm sure he would enjoy the imbroglio if he actually cared enough. I was going to reprint my interview with the Captain from several years ago, but there were too many inside jokes and it was rather outdated. Maybe I'll try and track the bastard down....

Sid F'er said...

Crystal had both written, produced, and performed the songs which were used in the Q's heavy media campaign

Nice use of the word "both", eh? Where's my editor when I need him?

keysunset said...

I don't mess with the grammar police.

Devious D said...

Whoa, Sid. And here I was all excited to tell you to get thee to a cable TV on Saturday. It's a CB fest (with Steve Gutenberg). Hallmark channel, 6-10 pm CST, first with the '04 release, "Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus" (so stunning I forgot I had watched it until I saw the new previews), followed by the brand new '05 sequel, "Meet the Santas." Woohoo!

Now, wanna rethink that kitten drowning comment? 'Cuz without this xmas movie addict, you might never have known... Unless you or Moist have suddenly started trolling the Hallmark Channel. That in itself makes me laugh--or may get you laughed out of Leper House.

Sid F'er said...

I'll have to send out a bulletin to my CB email list. Thanks for the heads up, and, uh, sorry about the kitten thing.

Sid F'er said...

Just checking back on 12/31 to see if Crystal left any messages...

keysunset said...

Sorry, Sid, I took the call and told her you wouldn't be back in the office until after the first of the year.

You should tell me when you want to be paged!

Sid F'er said...

Good job - I don't want to appear desperate.

keysunset said...

So, boss, when she calls back should I interrupt your important day immediately or put her on hold for awhile so you can pull yourself together long enough to talk to her without APPEARING desperate.

ha ha ha.

Sid F'er said...

Just take a message. Unless she's waiting at the airport. Then have me paged.

keysunset said...

And then you can loiter around the gift shops for a while and pretend that you weren't hanging out at the airport waiting for her with a sign that read "Bernard?"

Sounds like a plan.