F'er Christmas Card Review

We didn’t get around to sending Christmas cards this year. I am getting old, so maybe I can blame it on crippling arthritis. But then how would I explain all these posts? Truth is that I like to be creative, but I don’t plan ahead and then run out of time. Then I walk my sorry ass over to the Dollar Store and buy some lame cards, randomly sign them “Millard Fillmore” and hope they make it by New Year’s Eve. Any time after that is just plain embarrassing. This year I didn’t even do that. So instead I will review the Christmas cards that we received this year (in random order).

Moist Rub: Nice photo of Son and Daughter in front of the tree. Even looks like he vacuumed. Which is a good thing since there was too much carpet in the foreground and I would have liked to see more tree. Did not include the dog – maybe fearful of it puking on the clean carpet. Generic “Happy Holidays” greeting under a sprig of poison ivy. Or perhaps it’s a bough of holly. I really don’t know what a bough is, so I can’t tell you for sure. Printed at Walgreens on 12/10 which shows amazing planning for a self-professed procrastinator.

213: Nice photo of the two kids amidst holiday decorations with the dog. Dark background does not provide enough contrast to the kid’s hair, indicating they might not have had time to get haircuts before the picture was done on 12/19. Dog looks beaten down by the process and, like most other dogs, appears to just want to get back to watching the basketball game. Graphic of the Three Wise Men over Isaiah 9:6 on a nice matte finish.

The Guru: Small and simple greeting card, yet very pleasing. Christmas wishes on the inside with a 2” x 3” photo of the two kids. Definitely some Christmas duds on these tots, and they wear it well and don’t seem to mind it. Possible studio shoot in front of tree, complete with the “random” silver ornament in the foreground. Small deduction for the slumping teddy bear that looks dead.

Cousin Bobbi: Card with a phallic looking snowman holding a star that says “Love”.

Ravishing Michelle: Card includes an invite to visit them in Vegas. Last time I did that I woke up in the bathtub missing a kidney. Yeah, Merry Christmas to you, too, you organ stealing whore.

Karen: Decorative card with photo inset of the three kids. I’m digging the matching velvet pajamas – very Whoville. Next time you watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas, do a shot every time they say the word “Who” and you won’t wake up until President’s Day.

Nancy: Nancy was a friend that even boarded with me and Mrs. F’er at one time. Then she moved to Atlanta without telling us. Then she moved the NC without telling us and got married without telling us. And from the return address it appears she moved to Houston without telling us. The Christmas card has a photo of a baby on the front that I’m guessing is hers. The baby looks like it’s waiting for the punch line of a joke. But she probably won’t tell her.

Aunt Geri: Nice picture of a woman (perhaps Mary) holding a baby (perhaps Big Baby J). Slightly unsettling that she has a bird in her left hand and looks like she’s about to feed it to our savior. The printed greeting inside underlined for emphasis.

Pam: We got a card threatening Santa with “breach of contract” on the front. As an attorney, I think she would understand that the Santa deal is a bi-lateral contract requiring good behavior. Seeing as she’s knocked up right now, I’d say there was a little too much naughty and not enough nice this year. Case dismissed.

Allstate: My insurance agent took this time of year to let me know that he appreciated my business and even enclosed a couple business cards to throw away for him.

Bobby and Ashley: Nice card, but I don’t have a clue who they are.

Erica: A nice card supporting the Boys & Girls Clubs of America from a recruiter who thinks I should be making way more money and have a company car. That's how she gets paid.

Dalebud: The only card properly addressed to Mr. & Mrs. F’er. Always on time, this year with “The Christmas Blitzen Was Busted” cartoon on the front. Good stuff. He doesn’t have any kids (that we know of), so we can always count on him for some comic relief.

Stephanie: Sent the same damn card as Dalebud. What the hell is her problem? Doesn’t she know Dalebud sends the funny card every year? She tried to hide the fact by using fancy red ink to sign it, but she ain’t fooling me.

The Macs: They sent a picture of themselves taken in the desert. They look thirsty so they’re getting water for Christmas from us.

The Boss: Photo card of him, the wife, and kid in matching jeans and white shirts. Looks like they’re preparing to host a 70’s variety show. Also need a proofreader. Printed message reads,
“Love the Boss family,
Boss, Wife, and Kid
2005”
Makes it look like they’re demanding you love them. The comma is your friend.

P-Geo: Nice photo of the two kids. Appears to be well-done, but something was bugging me about it. Then I realized that the little one has the same expression that Vikings head coach Mike Tice has during the game.

Boss 2 & ‘Zilla: The couple that owns the place that Mrs. F’er works at sent a humorous card, but coordinated better than Stephanie and didn’t send the same one as Dalebud. But it also included a bonus check, so we liked it better than Dalebud’s. Oh, and in case you were wondering, if you want your name to be ‘Zilla all you need to do is add it to the end of your current name for a while, then eventually drop your old name, and voila, you’re now ‘Zilla (e.g. Sid => SidZilla => ‘Zilla).

Jane: I don’t know her, either, but I don’t like her because the card has that glitter shit all over it that falls off and gets on your pants and then your wife thinks you’re getting lap dances from the glittery stripper at the titty bar again.

Aunt Mel: The manger scene with John 3:16. She must have gotten the idea while watching an extra point during a football game.

LA Ray: I’ve known Ray since the early 50’s and we’ve never exchanged a card for anything until he got married. Mrs. LA always puts a nice, personalized note inside. Nice touch. I suggest he keeps her.

Sue: Never met her. No money inside. Next.

Mom: A Charlie Brown Christmas tree on the front and a check inside. A little bonus on top of the social security cash that we usually confiscate from her to pay for bike parts. We like to consider it protection money.

Captain Break-It: Photo of the three kids in front of the tree and other holiday decorations. The two boys in matching green shirts on each side of a little Break-ette in her red frock. The boy on the right is wearing the antlers and the other two are wearing Santa hats. I would have stuck the antlers on the girl in the middle for greater balance, but I’m obsessive like that. Their dog Tasha is also in front, looking like she wants to eat the photographer just for the amusement of the kids. There’s also some sort of furry creature in a Santa hat they call Oreo – it looks like it might be a bunny leftover from the Easter picture, but I’m not sure. However, most disappointing was the computer generated address label – I’ve come to expect the fine calligraphy of Mrs. Break-It, but she must have been busy repairing broken stuff this year.

Uncle Darryl: The card has a blue background with white stars and a big red Santa, but looks more 4th of July than Christmas. But it’s the thought that counts.

Alison: Hmm. I seem to remember in the past that she closed every letter and card with the words “Love and Prayers” and previous cards always maintained a religious theme. So I was taken aback this year when I received a card of a snowman with his head knocked off and saying, “@x!# kids!” It’s pretty #@*%’in funny, so maybe they’ve left the church and opened a comedy club or started a rap label. Also enclosed was a photo of the three kids which creeped me out a little since her oldest daughter doesn’t just look like her, but appears to be a perfect clone. Better than that sheep clone from a few years ago.

Gabe: He works with Mrs. F’er and wins the 2005 Card of the Year Award. In case you need something to shoot for, here’s what his homemade card consisted of:
White card stock, on the front written with red marker – “Jesus Is The Shiz-nit Yo”.
On the inside a photo of him on Santa’s lap. Santa wears a paisley shirt, with Gabe wearing his trademark Dickies, t-shirt and baseball cap and sporting a beard that is nearly as big as Santa’s. Opposite the photo is a personalized story that involves doing blow off a midget’s ass. I think that about covers everything you could ask for in a Christmas card.

Hope all y'all had a good one!